I apologize for all of the mistakes that I made in the first chapter, I'm open to any advice that you're willing to give me. So, on with the second chapter. If you have any advice to give me to get better or in this case criticism, PM me, comment on my account page, contact me in any way!
Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle rushed out of the Everfree Forest to head back to their safe clubhouse to try to piece together what just happened to them involving the mysterious box. Rushing into their clubhouse without a delay, pulling the window blinds shut, and slamming the door with force.
''We're going to need a plan, and fast. When you think about it, we didn't expect this to happen to us at all this could actually benefit us in a good way.'' Sweetie Belle explained, in a very confident fashion.
''You're right, Sweetie Belle! With everything that has been going on lately, the white flash that emerged from the box, could probably be something that is the answer to our problems. In this case, our cutie marks.'' Scootaloo scratched her head with her hoof, a huge creepy smile formed on her face.
''You got a point there, Scootaloo. Since we still have enough time until the vacation ends, we're going to look on our flanks to see if the mystery box gave us our cutie marks.'' Sweetie Belle replied, squeaking softly on her four hooves and hind legs.
''Only one way to find out.'' The three of the young fillies looked down at their flanks, expecting to see if their cutie marks would appear. All of them looking very astonished at one another, blinking their eyes shockingly.
''Well partners, looks like we've got a plan. Our vacation will end in a week, time to see if our destinies are what we dreamed of for a long time!'' The young ponies yelled out loudly, imagining the possibilities of what their talents could mean for them as their destinies intertwine with each other.
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Apple Bloom rose out of her bed, stretching her arms out with a yawn coming out of her mouth. Just another average morning as always on the farm. The Apple family is always about following tradition, working hard, and making sure that they can supply Ponyville with ripe and delicious apples for everypony to enjoy.
''Wow, look at the blooming apple orchard out there -'' She paused for a moment. ''Since Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Applejack are busy with the orchard I'd better go see how Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo are doing.'' Looking down at her flank with beady eyes, a pink heart with a red apple in the center of the luminescent pink heart.
The country filly was trotting to the clubhouse, awaiting for her two friends to arrive, anxiously pacing very fast on her four hooves. Sweat beading down her face nervously, waiting for Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to show up for the meeting they had planned to meet at the clubhouse.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle arrived at their clubhouse, expecting to see Apple Bloom in a very ecstatic mood, that was clearly not the case. The two fillies looked at Apple Bloom, scratching their heads with their hooves in confusion.
''Apple Bloom, what's wrong?'' Scootaloo walked up to Apple Bloom, putting her arm around her to console the sad feeling that she is feeling unbeknownst to her friends.
She didn't want to admit to her friends about her cutie mark, because if she did she would think that her friends would leave her for being the first of the Crusaders to have their cutie mark. A thick fog started to surround the clubhouse, they fled into the clubhouse for protection from the fog.
''If you girls really want to know, I'll tell you after we return to class from vacation.'' Apple Bloom stated.
''Do you, pinkie promise?'' Scootaloo asked, putting her hoof on her eye.
''Cross my heart, hope to fly, and stick a cupcake in my eye.'' Apple Bloom performed the whole Pinkie Pie promise sequence. She put her hoof on her chest, flapping her arms uncontrollably, and finally accidentally poking her eye with her hoof. ''Ow, my eye!'' She held her eye, grieving in pain and agony.
The Crusaders took refuge in the clubhouse, until the fog starts to fade away. Little did they know, the fog wasn't the only problem they had to deal with.
3652583 NEVER rush your work allways try to write at your own pace. If a story is worth reading people will patiently wait for updates.
This is a huge improvement over the first chapter I cant see any obvious mistakes. Keep it up Im interested to see where this story goes.
3656297 I'll keep up the good work!
The concepts here I really like, it does make for an interesting situation to see how the CMC would act if one of them succeeded.
I really enjoyed the little touches, Applebloom's morning and comments on the orchard felt very natural
And a pinky promise is always good for a giggle
The next section I am trying to put constructive criticism but after proof reading I believe that in my efforts to try to clearly explain my confusion I think I might appear overly negative, please understand that is not the case I was only trying to put my jumbled thoughts into less confusing words.
I think I see what you were going for with the story but it was somewhat confusing to read.
Honestly this entire conversation confuses me, I feel like I am perhaps missing something obvious.
Why is the white flash their answer, what conclusion did they draw?
Why is having a week of vacation left relevant to the 3 seconds they take to check if their cutiemark is there?
Why are they looking astonished at each-other, and why does whatever they saw lead into their next plan?
By the accent it seems like Apple Bloom is speaking so its possible she thinks the others have their cutiemarks too and thus makes the suggestion to see what their cutiemarks are for. Or she is feigning not having a cutiemark and suggesting they need to do other things to find them during the week, it seems there needs to be more information there. Like a paragraph where Apple Bloom finds out she is the only one with a cutiemark and how she reacts to that.
It was not clear to me how the CMC failed to notice Apple Blooms cutiemark as it would be displayed clear as day on her flanks. Either I completely read over the explanation or it needs one. Anything from wearing her CMC cape 24/7 suddenly or muddying up her flanks to cover the mark would work.
Also a bit of continuity break, the last chapter ends with.
But that plotpoint seems to be forgotten here as they head for the clubhouse briefly discuss the light among themselves and never bring it up again.
Grammar Pony
You don't need the comma after Scootaloo.
This might just be a personal gripe but having feeling and feeling so close together looks weird to me. Something like "the sadness that she is feeling" perhaps. But again that could just be personal preference.
I don't think pointing out the number of limbs they have is worthwhile unless it is nonstandard. You don't mention somebody walking on her two feet or shaking her one head. you probably could make mention of somebody having only 3 hoofs if they were missing a leg to remind the reader, but I don't think it works with normal amounts.