SugarBeat
Joined 23rd Nov, 2013 ·
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Quite honestly, I don't know how I feel about it.
The first chapter was really short and didn't really give enough of a glimpse into the MC. Some of the visuals were good 
I think you could have gone into a bit more detail though and actually drawn us into the hospital room. Like went into bore detail about how the bathroom was the wrong size and how short the dresser was. I'll definitely give this a chance but so far, I don't know. I think you should make the MC more three dimensional. 
Let me know if you need any help or need anything clarified. 
Always willing to help.
3598270
I suck at beginnings anyways. Chapter One was really just getting my foot in the door. It was originally around three thousand words but I cut stuff out that I thought was redundant and or superfluous now I'm kind of regretting that.
3598293
Want me to look at it? Sometimes it helps to have another set of eyes on it.
3598302 When I said cut, I meant deleted. No hard copy. If I had it I would gladly let you take a peak. However I propose a different idea. How about I shoot you a revised Chapter One when I get it finished?
3598325
Sounds good. I'll PM you my e-mail so you can.
3598327 Sounds good to me.
Xenophilia isn't by AnonponyDASHIE, he is just hosting it.
Too many of words that mean the same ting, or dont mean anything. Also the story feels like she is retelling the tings she feels, not actually living through them.
Too soon to form a real opinion on this. I'll keep an eye on it for more chapters.
I like the Concept you are going with here, and sincerely hope you keep at it
As a kind point of advice: I would suggest you think about How and Why characters do what they do, rather then just What they do. It seemed like you were moving from one thought to the next without developing these thoughts properly. This is fine for the short term, but when real emotions begin to appear it would be great to see how organic you can make a character act and feel.
Just my 2 bits
Want an editor?
3604362 Yes please!
I'm liking the look of this so far. No glaring spelling, punctuation, or grammar errors, so already you're in the upper 50%.
Having established humans in Equestria is good because it gives you an semi-original premise to add on to the Xeno-main (assuming you are going for that).
Could use a teensy bit more description and steady pacing, but that'll come with time and experience.
Overall, good job so far!
I'm looking forward to the next instalment.
Well this seems nice. The beginning is a little short but isn't too fast. I look forward to more as the plot develops.
There are VERY few 'multiple humans in Equestria' stories that I like, but I'm not so stupid as to dislike this before I see how it plays out. I'll leave it in my 'read later' thing.
3658075 I don't intend to abandon the story. I want to finish it just as much as if not more than my other story, A Flower for the Florist. Alas, I work too much to make much progress from day to day. Christmas vacation is coming up and I intend to spend a bit more time behind my computer screen. That is bad, I would rather write fanfictions than spend time with my family. I am a bad person.
3658192 I agree, you shouldn't spend too much time at the computer, but you're not a bad person. Go spend time with your family, but I can't wait for more!
Update?
Update?
I'm gonna follow this to see where it goes. That's a good start.
Lets see, quite to the point intro haha xP
And hum, going size wise and whatnot, (btw, if going canon size, ponies are ~1 meter tall xP) gotta say: would make a lot more sense if the toilet was a bidet or something. A pony would have a hard time on a human like toilet. Likely had those strange floor ones. And urinals for the fillies room :P
A bit surprised they had a stand-alone heart monitor though... then again, just feels like it'd be connected to something... dunno if they actually are.
And aw, would've been fun if she was sent off nude going all "hey!" about it xD Also, think you need to add something to "he said in a monotone.", quite sure you need to add something when using "monotone"... and see you go with ponies having a special VD thing xP
Also, pondering if showing individual char thoughts might be a little odd, but eh. And see you defiantly went with more human sized ponies :P
And oh, was only one chapters. Welp :P Still, seemed like it could be a neat fic. Really hard to find female focused, or even pampering content as a whole... most stuff tends to just be about male pleasure, penises and whatnot. Feh, such neglect for the vulva... well, if you resume on it, would be cool to see where it goes.