Vinyl finally wants to understand her on going dream about her and Octavia by doing anything necessary, from buying a dozen sleeping pills, to going into time itself.
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 9th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 6th, 2017
delfin
I make techno and techno accessories
delfin
Joined 9th Nov, 2013 ·
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Well that was unexpected. very unusual story, but nice concept!
Okay, let's see what I can say.
Your sentences are very short and the things Vinyl does seem to be forced. The reader was barely able to get a grasp of who the character is (a lot of authors like to change how these characters are since they don't have an actual cannon personality). How long have the dreams been going on for Vinyl? Did it just randomly occur or has she been having them for months, years, etc. Your grammar and spelling are fine, but you really missed out on an opportunity to describe the way Vinyl and Octavia feel. The reader gets a general gist of that, but just barely. The dream could have been expanded on, like Vinyl remembering what's going on and questioning more about what is occurring and why.
The part where Vinyl goes into time itself is extremely random and just plain confusing. There really is no rhyme or reason for such to happen, and I only knew she went back in time because I reread the story because I felt I missed something. You sprang that onto the reader without them really noticing, thus making the last 3 chapters very confusing, thus making it hard to read. I'm curious to why Vinyl felt she needed to go to such drastic measures when everything could have been fixed with a hug and apology.
I guess all I can really say is that you had a pretty neat idea, but the way you went about it was all wrong. Make sure that when you write, really go over everything and try to add more, even if it's a short story. I also suggest getting a pre-reader and even an editor just to help you out if you plan on writing more stories. But like I said, you had a good idea.
3530961
Thanks for the honest opinion, It is my first fanfic so luckily I'll do better next time
3530969 If you ever want help man, let me know. I wouldn't mind seeing some other ideas from ya. I really hate writing bad reviews to any one on here.
Very end, the had noted that Octavia was acting a little strange today. Is that supposed to be vinyl? Otherwise, great!
Well that escalated quickly
L
Ok...so I cam here by invitation and I always keep to my word. In exchange I hope you can give my own story a glance
(the one that has more chapters) Although...I might have to get critical on this. As it stands the premise for this story is very interesting and something I don't see too often but like to see. Unfortunately one of the big problems I see right off the bat is your formatting. It can be difficult at times to understand who is speaking and to tell what is a though or what are the details of the story. I would make the dialog and who is speaking to be in the same sentence.
Ex:“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”Vinyl said. Although Vinyl didn't really know what to think of this
Instead of adding a break because it is not a new paragraph. Another thing I would like to add is that this chapter, forgive me, seemed to not need Pinkie Pie at all and seemed to be just an excuse to add in one of the mane six. Now I would be fine with this if she had a better point and her characterization was like how she would be in the show but even just reading a few lines and not knowing who spoke made me confuse Vinyl with Pinkie at times. Another thing is the intentional slip of the secret pony Vinyl was trying to keep from Pinkie. This was a bit painful to see and I should know because I have made that mistake a lot. Another thing I would like to add is that the dreams are very repetitive...I know you were going for that but if you were to try and make the dreams seem as if they were reality, you could make Vinyl and the reader believe it and have the dreams hold more weight. a few more things would be that the conversation could have been stretched out a little and the ending seemed more like what should be in the next chapter and feels odd to this one. Also, a little more detail goes a long way. Anyway i'm sorry about this long review and I will read the rest of your story as promised. I feel you have potential. just take a little more time and really think about what the characters feel. So, see you later for now.
-Element
3562372
Always love to hear feed back, thank you!
3562372
I have to agree with ElementOfHope, here, too. The story really wasn't bad for this chapter, but... please, for the love of Celestia, don't put line breaks at the end of every statement before you reveal who's actually saying what's being said. I also got confused when Vinyl went to Pinkie Pie to discuss her strange dreams; I started getting lost trying to tell if it was Vinyl or Pinkie saying what was being said half the time.
Otherwise, this seems like a promising story, and I'm going to read the rest of it, as well!
... what just happened?
Well, this was... surprising, to say the least.
Overall, this was a fine story, but I'm not quite sure why you felt it was necessary to end the story with Vinyl's death, but... you're the author, not me. Still, that felt like it pretty much came out of nowhere.
At least I know I won't be forgetting this story any time soon.
the story is very good i liked it
3612672
Thanks!
3613826 no problem brah...........hey, just a simple question, you got any moar good storys, im geting kinda bored and youre stories lift me up on a rainy day (true story)
3625735
Yeah, I'm thinking up a bunch of new ideas for some new stories.
3626217 thanks for writing back ,and as always al be waiting *saluts*.
alright.i have to say not one of the best stories but its fine. it was very confusing when vinyl went into time itself. the sentences were very short as well. but overall its an okay story
3907456 Yeah, this was my first story so it's kinda trash
not bad for a first story
I...wh-what.. oh, buck. I see Vinyl's mind. I can see why she did that. Sweet Celestia...
bloody crud, that is dark.
Well done. Absolutely well done.