Octavia paused.
“Vinyl I have to tell you something”
Octavia Said.
Vinyl looked up at her.
“Vinyl, i-“
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
“Ugh!”
Vinyl said as she slammed on her alarm clock. She stopped and thought about her dream. The dream that she had for a long time; it would be the same thing. Octavia and her on a bench in the middle of the night and Octavia wanting to tell her something, but was never able to. As vinyl would wake up just when she was about to tell her. Vinyl had questioned this dream for years now. This had gone on for too long now. She wanted answers. Was she in love with Octavia? She didn't have a clue. Now here she was sitting up in her bed staying silent. She got her goggles on and headed outside.
She didn't know where she was even going. She stopped and looked around and saw a park. She went over and watched. It was only a few seconds later when she realized she was looking at a lake. Vinyl was spaced out. She left the park and went over to Pinkie Pie’s house. Pinkie Pie had been a friend of Vinyl’s for years now and trusted Pinkie. Although she didn't quite know why she liked Pinkie. Maybe it was her large amount of energy that seemed to never stop. Either way she was there. She knocked on the door and Pinkie soon opened it.
“Vinyl! What are you doing here?”
Pinkie said.
“Uhh”
The truth was she didn't know why she was there.
“Pinkie, I need to talk to you.”
Vinyl blurted out.
“Okey Dokey! Come on in!”
Pinkie happily bounced in and vinyl followed. Vinyl honestly didn't know why she was here. She had no intention to talk to Pinkie. What made her go?
“So, whatcha wanna talk about?”
Pinkie said.
Vinyl thought for a few moments.
“Pinkie, I think a have a crush on somepony..”
Vinyl said.
Pinkie smiled.
“Ohhhh! Who is it? I need to know!”
“I said I THINK.”
Vinyl quickly said.
“Why are you telling me this?”
Pinkie said.
“Well, because… I-I don’t know Pinkie. I've been having these dreams… and I-I It’s with A certain pony, a-a and I don’t even think this pony will consider being with me…”
Vinyl said.
“What are these dreams that you’re having?”
Pinkie said.
“Me and Octavia are sitting on a bench, in the middle of the night. Octavia says “Vinyl, I-“ then I wake up.”
Vinyl said.
“Wait, this pony is Octavia?!”
Did I just say Octavia?
Vinyl thought.
“Uhm, yeah. Pinkie what should I do?”
Vinyl said.
“You know Vinyl, there comes a time in everypony’s lifetime where this sort of things happens. This has even happened to me. I think that you need to trust yourself with this situation. You also have to remember that everything happens for a reason. So there has to be a reason for this.”
Pinkie said.
Well that wasn't much help.
Vinyl thought
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Vinyl said. Although Vinyl didn't really know what to think of this.
“Thanks, Pinkie.”
Vinyl said.
“No problemo!”
Pinkie said.
Vinyl soon headed off to her house just to think things over.
She soon blasted on some dubstep. But soon turned it off.
“Ugh!”
Vinyl couldn't even listen to music now. She felt like the entire world was on her. So now, here she was at her desk about to start crying. Why is this such a big deal? What was it about Octavia?
Maybe, just maybe this was for a reason. Maybe it’s her destiny. She thought and thought and thought but couldn't put the pieces together. She looked at the clock. It was 9 o’clock now and she was getting tired. She headed to bed hoping that she wouldn't have that dream again.
Octavia looked at her.
“Vinyl, I think tha-“
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Vinyl groaned and once again slammed her alarm. She sat up and thought about her dream again. Wait a minute. As she recalled, Octavia said: “Vinyl, I think tha-“. That means that she said more than in her previous dreams. Vinyl needed to know what Octavia was going to say.
Vinyl spent awhile in her house just thinking about herself. And why she was having these dreams and everything that’s happening right now. Eventually at around 7 o’clock she decided to finally visit Octavia. She went outside and headed towards her house.
“Yo Tavi! You there?”
Vinyl shouted
Octavia opened the door.
“Vinyl, I’m actually glad that you’re here. I have some news to tell you!”
Octavia said.
Vinyl excitedly went in and sat down.
“Vinyl, you won’t believe me when I say this but I...”
“Yes?”
Vinyl quickly said.
“I met someone!”
And just like that, Vinyl’s heart was smashed.
“Oh, that’s… Awesome Tavi...”
Vinyl said. She tried to sound excited but she felt like she was going to burst into tears, again why? Why was this so important to her?
“His name is ********”
Octavia said.
“Listen, Tavi I-I actually forgot I need to go.”
Vinyl quickly said.
“What? Why?”
Octavia said.
But by the time she said that Vinyl was gone. Octavia was upset, she thought that Vinyl would've been happy for her. She sighed.
“Oh Vinyl, what’s gotten into you...”
Octavia quietly said to herself.
She had noticed that Vinyl had acted a little strange lately. She decided to go over to Vinyl’s tomorrow, to see what was wrong.
Very end, the had noted that Octavia was acting a little strange today. Is that supposed to be vinyl? Otherwise, great!
Ok...so I cam here by invitation and I always keep to my word. In exchange I hope you can give my own story a glance (the one that has more chapters) Although...I might have to get critical on this. As it stands the premise for this story is very interesting and something I don't see too often but like to see. Unfortunately one of the big problems I see right off the bat is your formatting. It can be difficult at times to understand who is speaking and to tell what is a though or what are the details of the story. I would make the dialog and who is speaking to be in the same sentence.
Ex:“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”Vinyl said. Although Vinyl didn't really know what to think of this
Instead of adding a break because it is not a new paragraph. Another thing I would like to add is that this chapter, forgive me, seemed to not need Pinkie Pie at all and seemed to be just an excuse to add in one of the mane six. Now I would be fine with this if she had a better point and her characterization was like how she would be in the show but even just reading a few lines and not knowing who spoke made me confuse Vinyl with Pinkie at times. Another thing is the intentional slip of the secret pony Vinyl was trying to keep from Pinkie. This was a bit painful to see and I should know because I have made that mistake a lot. Another thing I would like to add is that the dreams are very repetitive...I know you were going for that but if you were to try and make the dreams seem as if they were reality, you could make Vinyl and the reader believe it and have the dreams hold more weight. a few more things would be that the conversation could have been stretched out a little and the ending seemed more like what should be in the next chapter and feels odd to this one. Also, a little more detail goes a long way. Anyway i'm sorry about this long review and I will read the rest of your story as promised. I feel you have potential. just take a little more time and really think about what the characters feel. So, see you later for now.
-Element
3562372
I have to agree with ElementOfHope, here, too. The story really wasn't bad for this chapter, but... please, for the love of Celestia, don't put line breaks at the end of every statement before you reveal who's actually saying what's being said. I also got confused when Vinyl went to Pinkie Pie to discuss her strange dreams; I started getting lost trying to tell if it was Vinyl or Pinkie saying what was being said half the time.
Otherwise, this seems like a promising story, and I'm going to read the rest of it, as well!