A story in which a young Princess and her lover, a young, brave Pegasus named Rainbow Dash, face prejudice and hatred. It gets worse, though. Ponies are arguing and fighting, and the very nation of Equestria faces a rift in its society.
Lines are drawn- and crossed- and emotions run high as Equestria teeters on the brink of civil war for the first time since the Three Tribes Period. To make problems even worse, Celestia and Luna pick sides, and things get even more complicated.
A story based off of the cold, harsh realities of real life. (Occurs several years after Season Three, but ignores Equestria Girls and Season Four). Twidash fan fiction (obviously).
Chapters (6)
Writing needs work, you can use more contractions, needs less capitals (Not EVERY noun needs one) but flows well, even if it's pacing is a bit irregular.
I'll keep track of this, but you're gonna have to earn that like.
The chapters seem a little short but I am liking tis
3521506
Um, thank you? I'll work on it.
Deffinetly need to find an editor for this. The mistakes you make dont detract from the story much but they are still alightly annoying for readers to interpret. For example "Sure, they WERE ARE happy for her." Makes no sense as it is. Now if you said
Sure they were, no are happy her. It would have made alot more sense to a reader or if you wanted too just used one instead of both
Still this is a good idea and you deffinetly keep your works interesting so i think ill be following this ^.^
3523057
Well, I think I have some heads to go cut off now...
GRR, my editor missed that!
Ahem. Anyways, thats for reading!
3523057
3525235
"Anyways, thats for reading! "
Wow. Fail.
I meant, thanks.
3525244 heh just
Keep updating the story :3
i like it! I await the next chapter....
I think that may be a little out of their job descriptions
3528207
Yah I know. My dam editor....
Anyways, hope you are enjoying
3527860
Awesome!
3528801
Storyline is good, only thing it's needing is a little TLC in the editing deparment
This needs to be fixed:
... So Twilight can be really cure at times...
3528207 Would of been a better thinks if kinks was links... That would be Pinkie's domain
Depends on the kind of corrections you'd be making. Small edits, maybe re-writing a couple lines or the odd paragraph, you may want to do them now Complete re-wording of scenes? wait till you're finished.
Anyway, looks good, better then the last two, anyway. Still a smidgen fast but it's slowing down. Good work.
3534213
Awesome! Glad I'm figuring something out!
I know its kind of a lame thing to rant about, but i am not sure if the first thing Twilight would say when seeing RD cry would be "“Well, whatever it is, I hope it passes. I am not sure if I like this new and sensitive Rainbow Dash.” I know its an alternate universe, but still. Other than that, i am definitively waiting for part 4. This deserve 3.5 happy pinkie out of 5.
When will the next one be out!?!?!?!!?
WHEN!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!
3581138
I have had very little time to work on this recently. Never fear, however! I have commence work on chapter 4 and it should be out by this time next week!
Calm yourself, my faithful reader.
TwiLuna / Romance? A bit misleading :I
3622216
I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure if I understand what you mean.
To clarify, this is a TwiDash fanfiction. Luna is listed as a main character because she will have a part to play.
I hoped this helped clarify. Just ask if you have any questions!
3623227
He/She means that this was, for some strange reason, placed in the TwiLuna group's Romance file. I followed TwiDash and TwiLuna so I noticed that after i finished reading this from the TwiDash.
don't call me dashie xD
that so reminds me of hinamori and toshiro when thy were growing up in rukongai. - from bleach incase someone didn't know -
I am looking forward to future uodates, as I'm drawn to the way you are portraying twilight and dashie.
3684567
Excellent! Glad people are enjoying this!
if i had a.. what ever equestria uses for money.. for every time i said this, i would be celestia!
i just cant wait for more, because I WANT IT NOWW!
3692402 bits
3725546
Yeah thats it
Wait i forgot that they used bits for money? ugh wow
If i had a bit for every time i or someone else facehoof because of me, it'd make calestia seem like a hobo.
Breathes should be breaths. Breathe is a verb. Breath is a noun.
3776313
Fixed. Thanks!
I love the ending... Oh, and the chapter about Pinkie using her party cannon on overloaded.
I never thought I'd say this, but....
The abuse scene is a little.... bland. Truth be told it was far too predictable, and the entire premise is overused. (X parent leaves Y parent, Y parent became alcoholic and abuses child). I mean, spice it up a bit! Like... I don't know... X parent leaves Y parent, Y parent meets Z, who abuses child and Y parent, sending Y parent into a depression which fuels their alcoholism, then Z blames child and makes it worse, and it all feeds off it in a loop until eventually Z gets so far that they kill child and... uh.... riiiiight. I'm gonna stop that there, but you see my point. Though there was some pretty good descriptions.
Aside from that, the speech feels a bit clunky, probably from the lack of contractions, but the characters are still pretty well done. I have to say I really like that ending, though if it takes too long to update I'm gonna end up hating the cliffhanger, and the romance feels a little forced right now, but it's not all that bad. Especially for your first romance piece.
4397918
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Yeah, I worried about that scene.
One of the reasons I was so slow to update was I was constantly second-guessing myself there, not sure if what I had was believable, or making such it didn't contradict too much canon...I suppose I will re-visit this chapter and play around with it a little, see if I can't make things a little less predictable...
Thanks!
Oh, and I'll try to have updates out monthly, not FIVE MONTHS (Uhg...)
what the fuck, twilight!? way to be a grade A bitch! 'Some things are unforgivable.' that's rich, coming from the creator of the smartypants incident! and fucking Mare Do Well!
4888445
Well i am pretty sure that being kissed without your permission is considered harassment so she has reasons to be angry, and to be fair the Smarty Pants incident is different from the kiss as it was an act of insanity(remember that Twilight was not acting normal in that episode, what with having hallucinations and talking to her reflection in water) rather than an act done under an normal state of mind like Rainbow Dash when she kissed her, and Mare-Do-Well...was just an badly written episode that even the show pretends it does not exist,
Wow,,, I did not see this coming at all...
4890254 Spammy, so I deleted your other comment. Don't take it personally :)
4891344
Oh no its fine, I did not kn ow it went up twice, its golden.
My interest has been peaked...
Please, continue.
3528801 Has my nitpicking been summoned?
Books!
4891344 so is this story dead...or what?
4891344 wby djd you cancel it?
I came back here, and holy bazinga! I thought I had high nostalgia before, but this beats all of it in comparison! You have no idea how much your story impacted me! This, in fact, is what inspired me into trying a fic of my own!
Man, I'm going to die of nostalgia by the end of the night while cruising in my old account's history!
seems to me the story never even progressed far enough to match the description