The Time Spell

David Brony

David Brony #1 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Please edit the description. I do apologize, but it is a headache to read.

David Brony

David Brony #2 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Before you turn on me with the fact that I've only published one story so far, hear me out:
I upvoted this only for the fact that it is an interesting premise and I believe that it would make a nice read if you would take the time to ~~polish~~ ~~buff up~~ ~~rework~~ OVERHAUL the writing and sentence structure. There is a boatload of showing instead of telling happening here, and a lot of your sentences are muddied by grammatical errors.
On a final note, you should try and work on your characterization. Just within the first scene alone I was shocked by how out of touch the fic seemed. In the show, the character's may need to announce their thoughts for the sake of clarity (but even then we have facial expressions and sound to provide these details for us), but in fanfictions we can actually go into the minds of the characters mentioned instead of having them say things. Instead of having Twilicorn () telling us through dialogue why/how the events are strange, we could say that she thought the events were uncommon, and have her say things she would in the show; such as:
"Hmm. What..."
"No! No! No! No! It has to be here somewhere?" (as she has a tendency to mutter to herself in panic, not full blown thoughts when curious)

Hoping my thoughts helped,
David Brony

ThePonyWriter

ThePonyWriter #3 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

3395347
I know that it has grammatical erros. English is not my native language, also the structure of the English books drives me crazy. I'm going to work to improve it... But always is going to be... Whatever, I just not sure if I need to do so much work to do something that almost no one going to read it.

Rainbow87dash

Rainbow87dash #4 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

After a spefic spell, Rainbow Dash and Twilight get prisoners by it. What will Twilight and Rainbow Dash do?

How it should be written:

After a specific spell, Rainbow Dash and Twilight get imprisoned by it. What will they do?

ThePonyWriter

ThePonyWriter #5 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

3396867
Thanks. I apologize about the mistake.

Waves

Waves #6 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Like the others said, you need to be more descriptive and there are some grammatical errors. You should probably try to find someone who could preread/edit the chapters.

The story is interesting, but feels a bit rushed.

I'm looking forward for future chapters!

David Brony

David Brony #7 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

3396846
I do apologize if I offended you, I was unaware of the fact English is a second language to you. I trust you understand my view on it however (that being that there are many fanfics out there that have a far worse scenario than your own, with even more errors [which is mortifying as the ones posting those stories are generally English Firsters]) I would be honoured if you would allow me to be your post-publication editor on this story, as you seem to have a fine grasp on what is necessary to make a good fanfic. At the very least, I appluade your you for having stepped out of your comfort zone with writing this fic in English.
As for your stating that you doubt as to whether or not you should work on this as nopony would read it, I would like to point out that many of the greatest fanfics were a slow, deliberate work of love that took months to take off. Not to say the ordeal is painstaking, just that a small amount of work each day goes toward these things. That, and you already have readers who have publicly stated they like the idea behind the words and want to see it go somewhere! I'm sure that these readers (and of course, myself) would assist you in spreading the word !

Hoping this helps and that you come to realize the love that could go into this story,
David Brony

Darkened Lightning Storm

Darkened Lightning Storm #8 · Oct 26th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

After reading over your story, I figured out 3 things.

~It's a good idea. Just needs a lot of work.
~You sir, need an editor.
~When frozen in time, do not make your alicorn friend hold up balls of water for you to run into, for it'll knock you out.

After skimming over the comments to see what people have already pointed out:

~You sir, still need an editor.
~I think its awesome that you can type a full story in a different language.
~muffins.

My only suggestions are to get an editor. You had a lot of bad grammar choices and weird sentences. Don't get me wrong, it's a great idea! Who doesn't love a Twidash fic? (ME!! BECAUSE I <3 APPLEDASH!) But it just needs some serious work.

gakposter