Ben's First Day

The Guy on Your Right #1 · Oct 29th, 2013 · 9 · 2 · Chapter 1: Welcome to Ponyville, Ben ·

Sorry if you may find this review, offensive, but please bear in mind that I'm just expressing my opinion, and it's important for an author to understand the opinion of a reader. So, here we go.

Ben's First Day

The name of your OC doesn't sound right; it doesn't fit in well with the others' name, you know, 'cause it's not something you'll hear everyday in Equestria.

Ben is now moving into Ponyville with Twilight Sparkle and Nyx but certain problems, like crazy fans and his new problems, may make him move out!

You mean Nyx 'Nyx'? ...Oh God... and that shipping...

It's Ben Mare's first day in Ponyville but can he adapt to it as well as his new love Twilight Sparkle?

The name just got weirder, the first time I read his full name, and mentioning that he has a relationship with Twilight Sparkle didn't made it any better... but, ship all you want, 'cause I really don't have anything against it, other than the major goose bump it gives me.

And what happens when the Earth pony reveals some new powers of his?

"Earth pony" = "Powers"
Hmm... it doesn't seem right...

Some ponies gathered at the train station since Twilight and her friends will soon arrive home. The train itself pulls up into the station before coming to a complete stop. The passengers got out...and amongst them are a familiar group of ponies and a baby dragon.

Noticed how in the second and third sentence, the tense changed? Stick to one if I were you.

"Well, thank goodness we're back home." Rarity said with a sigh.

Said action should end with a comma, so it should be:
"Well, thank goodness we're back home," Rarity said with a sigh.
Also, I'm not familiar with Rarity's speech pattern, but the sentence below just doesn't sound right to me...

"Canterlot was nice but nothing beats my old grounds."

"Hold it, Twilight, hold it!" A familiar voice exclaims as the Mayor of Ponyville trots up to her. "What's going on in Canterlot? We saw four explosions and thought that the city was under attack! Big Macintosh and some ponies whose went there came back alive but no answer as to what has happened."

Skipped through some sentences with the same problem -- tense-related problems -- and moved on to here. As far as I know about Mayor Mare, shouldn't she be more formal when addressing Twilight?

"Oh, nothing much, Mayor. The city was under attack but we took care of the problem. The last explosion is my parents' house getting blown up."
"Sorry!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders, the ones who accidentally destroyed the home of Twilight's parents, said while looking sheepishly.

Am I just having a higher standard when it comes to comedy, or is this line just not that funny? I dunno...'

The new pony is brown coated stallion with a spiky like brown mane, green eyes, a long tail and a red collar. He appears to have three golden triangles made into a Triforce on the side of his flank. On his back is a saddlebag along with the familiar sleeping ball form of Nyx who decided to take a nap on the new pony.

Hmm... my edge-o-meter is slightly moving, but I don't see any problems with your OC... I think I need to get a new one.

"Hi there, everypony," The stallion said, waving a hoof to everypony.

Of course. Wouldn't it be weird to greet everypony, while you aren't addressing everypony?

"Wow, who is that new pony?" Daisy asks her friends Lily and Rose in curiosity. "He's cute."

Okay, now I'm sure that the butthurt that I was sensing earlier was me.

"Yeah! Is this new colt going to live in Ponyville?" Lily asks right back in hope. Some of the ponies begin talking about the new stallion.

There's something ticking in my room. Is it my plot-o-meter? My edge-o-meter? Or my pace-o-meter?

"Yeah, he's Twilight's colt! Hooves off," Pinkie exclaims sternly, making some of the ponies gasp in surprise.

Okay... maybe Harmonious Sky wasn't the worst of them... but then again, his gallery full of drawings of his OC, with Twilight, on diapers -- ON DIAPERS -- made me rethink my decision.

"Wait, Twilight Sparkle got a colt-friend? Wow! How did she get so lucky?" Daisy asks her friends in amazement and disbelief.

She should be asking how the guy got so lucky... dumb cunt...

"Ahem. Mayor, this is my new colt-friend Ben Mare." Twilight said with a giggle. She uses her magic to fold a scroll over to the Mayor who takes it. "I think you will see from that letter from Princess Celestia that Ben has been assigned to be co-librarian in the Ponyville Library."

She doesn't really have to announce it to the whole crowd, right...? I mean, it's like facing the people in front of the stage while naked.

"M-m-m-my Herd; Ben Mare is Princess Celestia's adopted son?" The Mayor gasps in shock and disbelief. Some of the ponies gasp in surprise before some bow to Ben Mare, Celestia's adopted son.

Ouch! That hit me right in my tomatoes...

"Now, now, please don't." Ben said sheepishly. "Get up, rise; I am just a normal Earth pony like you are."

Acting all polite, aye? What a good prince...

"Yes, it is true. Ben Mare is Princess Celestia's adopted son." Spike chuckles to the Mayor a bit. "But Ben Mare is a normal pony like you are and just wants a normal life in Ponyville."

So why adopt him in the first place? There are a lot of ponies she could choose, other than Ben Mare. Also, thinking of your OC's name, why add Mare in it? I mean, mare means a female horse, right? Is he a... you know... dem rainbows...?

"Thank you. Well, Twilight, how about you, me and our daughter head to my new home?" Ben ask Twilight with a smile.

*Cringing intensifies.

"He belongs to Spike; my big brother adopted him after saving his egg from mean dragons." Nyx giggles as she and Scootaloo goes off to play a bit.
"Yep; I named him Peewee!

Spike's cock must be reaaally small... but I'm not one to offend him; you know how big a dragon could be when it hits puberty, right?

Not so long ago, the Earth pony was a Demon Pony, roaming the forest and looking at the sky in the Everfree Forest. And now, look at him. He is un-cursed, most of Equestria now loves and request him (Twilight has to worked hard to keep admirers out of the library), and now Ben has a wonderful filly-friend and a great adopted daughter.

Uh... see no difference...?

"Oh, my bed feels lumpy right now...I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to sleep with you tonight. Good night." Twilight said lovingly. Ben blinks as the purple unicorn hugs him then falls asleep. She obviously made up that excuse to be with him tonight.

Don't think of doing any funny ideas, bud... the whole fandom is watching you...

Ben then gets to sleep himself. He has a long day ahead of him tomorrow...

This review would've been long, to, if it weren't for those scenes that gave me the chills. Anyways, my thoughts and what I've gotten from you story are listed down below:

-Ben Mare is a cool name for a pony.
-Twilight Sparkle can never be a comedian.
-Nyx is creeping me out.
-Spike has a small pee-pee.
-The flower sisters are a bunch of sluts.
-Attack on Canterlot was nothing to Twilight.
-Shipping a once was a monster to her faithful student is fine with Celestia.
-Getting cursed is a good thing, 'cause you'll end up as an adopted son of a goddess, plus you'll get a girl.
-This is more fun to read with a happy background music.

La Barata

La Barata #2 · Oct 29th, 2013 · 9 · 3 · Chapter 1: Welcome to Ponyville, Ben ·

JusSonic

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