Girl Talk

by Starswirls Beard

Good thing they didn't have child support 1000 years ago.

The throne room of Canterlot Castle was an architectural marvel to behold. The domed glass ceiling celebrated the work of Equestria's reigning diarchs, filling the interior with natural light in the day and providing spectacular views at night. Plush red carpet ran from the double doors to the raised dais in the center of the room, which now held three regal thrones instead of the previous two.

Princess Twilight Sparkle had been summoned to attend court as visitors from two different kingdoms were being received. She had tried her best to explain why Cadence would have been a better fit for this, however her concerns were casually brushed away by a gently smiling Celestia. Luckily for her sister-in-law, the Crystal Kingdom was a sovereign nation that was peaceful with Equestria, and had no need to attend.

Affairs of state had never been her strong suit, although she nodded in all the correct places as a griffon old enough to make Granny Smith look like a Cutie Mark Crusader chattered endlessly. She just couldn't shake the feeling that she would rather be anywhere doing anything else at the moment. Unfortunately she was currently missing out on the Apple family cookout, which was to be the Ponyville event of the season. She could imagine it now, all of her friends helping set up. Applejack would be controlling the grill, slowly roasting her famously amazing apple kabobs. She'd even be thoughtful and sprinkle a few with powdered sapphires for Spike. Extra crispy hay fries, chilled spiced apple cider, and games would be so much better than...what was he talking about again? Trade taxes...ugh.

That was when she noticed it for the first time. Whispering, almost on the edge of hearing. Nopony else seemed to notice anything abnormal but the whispering was evolving into what sounded like a conversation. Laughter, like the chiming of bells filled her hearing and she surreptitiously looked at the other two Alicorns in the room. Princess Celestia held a serene expression, while Princess Luna's brows were knit in concentrated attentiveness. Not a hint that they'd noticed the strange conversation developing around them. The words were starting to become clearer and clearer, but it sounded like nothing she'd ever heard before. If only she was in her library, she'd be able to find something to compare it to.

“Furu de kato iis!” Another laugh pierced the air, revealing its owner to be Princess Luna. How was that possible?

“Chorpan themus ondak. Skado rifta Twilight mivpos.” Did that voice just say her name?

What the hay was that? How can nopony, or even this old windbag hear this! It's going to drive me nuts.

Suddenly the eyes of both princesses were upon her, focusing intently. She fought the urge to blush and draw back from the formidable set of stares, but couldn't help but wonder why they both were looking at her. As suddenly as it had happened the sharp cutting stares turned away, back to the ambassador in front of them.

“Twilight, can you hear me?”

“Tia that is pointless. She has not had The Knowing long enough to be able to hear, let alone understand, High Celestial.”

“You doubt my student's ability to comprehend? Shame on you Lulu, you should have more faith in your friends. Twilight dear, if you can hear us say something.”

“Celestia?” The ramblings paused, and everyone turned to look at the purple princess. She didn't actually have anything more after that, and had to think quickly.

“I was thinking that Ambassador Storm Talon has made a wonderful point.” The old griffon puffed up with pride and started up again.

“She can hear us Lulu! Twilight, I hadn't meant for you to say anything out loud, I am sorry about that. This time, think of what you want to say with us as the recipient as if you were sending a scroll.”

“Um...testing, testing, one two three?”

“Very original Twilight, much better than Cadence shouting ‘What the buck’ loud enough to give us both headaches.”

“Now Lulu, don’t be that way. Welcome to another benefit of princesshood my faithful student.”

“I don’t understand, what is this? Why can I hear you?”

Luna’s darker voice cut between them. "It is called The Knowing, a talent all Celestial beings posses.”

“It’s also a great way to escape these dreadful meetings.”

“I wish I still had my Spear of Judgement, this would go a great deal faster.”

“Had what?!”

Twilight’s shout startled almost everyone in attendance, including herself. What was she going to do? Everyone was looking at her, and from the back of the room came a nervous cough. Was there a book she could consult?

“I can appreciate enthusiasm for the cause Your Highness. We were able to retrieve our lands and…”

“Thousands of years ago this buzzard would not be smelling up our throne room. How did you let things get like this Celly? After all that happened this is what our land has become.”

“The Griffon Kingdom has been a great ally to us for many years, try not to let old grudges get in the way of that.”

“You’ve been awfully quiet Twilight. Please forgive Lulu, the last time she had to deal with griffons we were at war. She’s still a bit bitter about it.”

“It’s fine, this is all a bit overwhelming…” Twilight didn’t think she knew a word that could accurately describe this experience. In any of the languages she knew.

“I am no such thing! Those abominable hybrids are lucky it is my duty to be here today. If I’d had my way fifteen hundred years ago they’d be part of Equestria and I’d have even more hippogriff looking for ‘mommy’.”

“I will remind you once again that taking the fifth is no longer in effect, and that I don’t want to know what you did on leave. Besides, Twilight can still hear us, I’m certain you’re scaring the poor dear.”

“She is an adult, I am almost certain she knows how intercourse works. I really do miss those days, they have some of the best wenches money could buy.”

“Really now, that’s hardly appropriate.”

“Those beaks! Very different sensation from a muzzle. I remember one, barely old enough to leave the nest—”

“Enough! I don’t think anyone needs to hear this.”

Twilight wished that she could cover her ears or something. Her face was burning; this was more than her poor mind could handle. The princesses really had sex?

“Twilight Sparkle is a scholar, she should be pleased to hear how things really were. Don’t you agree, Twilight?”

She had no idea how to handle this. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, but she couldn’t risk finding out about Luna’s past. They all were likely going to be trapped together for some time and the other two princesses were shooting glances her way, awaiting response.

Twilight sighed, wanting to bow her head in defeat. It was either listen to the old bag in front of her spew nonsense or listen to the racist old bag next to her spew nonsense. The choice was simple really. "I’d actually like to hear about the war now.”

Author's Note:

A bit of headcannon:

The Spear of Judgement was Luna's favored weapon during the Griffon Wars. It's said that the number of lives it has claimed is so high that the only pony alive who knows it is Luna herself. A hippogriff is a mix of griffon and mare, and a little over half of the current population can trace their heritage straight to Luna. Taking the fifth means that a fifth of all goods pillaged belonged to the crown.

Comments

[FicusCat]

Interresting ideas.

[Raistlin]

“I am no such thing! Those abominable hybrids are lucky it is my duty to be here today. If I’d had my way fifteen hundred years ago they’d be part of Equestria and I’d have even more hippogriff looking for ‘mommy’.”

“Those beaks! Very different sensation from a muzzle. I remember one, barely old enough to leave the nest—”

And know I have disturbing visions of Luna haranguing her troops: "Pillage their villages, conquer their lands, kill their soldiers, slave the peasants, rape their children, bless their offspring with the seed of our superior race!"

[Zeyon The Green]

Really? During a political meeting is the best time to learn of a celestial psychic connection. Well I guess if you've lived long enough, you know what political babble is best to avoid. Politicians, feh who needs them.

[Fallen Knight]

The problem with the hippogriff thing is as you said, its between a male griffon and a mare, meaning the griffon would be the one raping the mares (i honestly said cant imagine them raping the male griffons then give birth to a hybrid child, at least dont see a reason. If the goal would be to wipe the griffons out just wipe them out.

Unless Luna wanted to wipe pure ponies out anfd replace them with hippogriffs to rule the world with them or something.

[ArthurHucksake]

3377487 And all that shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice...

[Seether00]

Okay, so Luna was a genocidal maniac. Good to know.

[Test4Echo]

This was a good laugh, but, now I'm a bit perturbed about Luna...

Rush and Pony on!
T4E

[Kaijutsu]

I now have a disturbing hunch that the reason America shut down was because Obama was too busy psychic chatting with the princesses to notice how bad Congress was fucking up...

[Silken Quills]

3377487 Oh, my. I hope more griffons, and maybe even some hippogriffs, are seen in season 4.

[Starswirls Beard]

3379743, 3378572, 3378518, 3377945, 3377666, 3377489, 3377413, 3377487
I'm glad you liked it!

3377568
The answer is magic, or futa Luna.

[Peachy Moon]

This was funny for all the wrong reasons.

[Raistlin]

3377568

Can´t you believe the possibility of a male being raped by a female, even when the female in question is a goddess and a ruler with the power to decide over your life (and maybe your family, friends or comrades) based on your "perfomance"?

[Fallen Knight]

3382032

Its not that, thats easy to believe. Had to be Luna ordering her mares to rape the males and them giving birth to the hybrids.

But no point/advantage from it that i can see, and would take some pretty fanatic people to willingly give birth to an hybrid that way (just because Luna says so), plus Luna just gets a race that hates her guts (assuming the "mommies" abandon the hybrids because of the "looking for mommy" comment.). This is war, you do what you do for a reason when you're in command. Usually rape for ethnic cleansing or such involves males raping woman, since the downsides like pregnancy and such disable a soldier.

3379879

Now i imagine Luna is just a male griffon with an horn glued to its forehead, eventually ponies started asking questions so Celestia put an illusion on Luna.

[Starswirls Beard]

3382146
I was thinking more along the lines of 'This is a magical world where Luna grew a dick, sexed a bunch of female griffons, and made illegitimate hippogriff babies because magic.' But that other thing is good too.

[Fallen Knight]

3384910

But your definition itself was Mare (so female pony) and griffon hence the darker/crazy touch i thought i saw. But yeah might as well since its just a random comedy.

[Bakmah Genesis]

*Sees title name*. This better not be what I think it is.
*reads*. Nope. You're safe.

[XineLegacy]

And here I am thinking, where did you get the idea for this?

[PrincessColumbia]

Why is there not more of this?! The interactions between Luna and Twilight alone would be worth it!

[FromTheMoon]

3384910
3.bp.blogspot.com/-I9I1Zbtj5vQ/UF9iR__thVI/AAAAAAAABDA/9QjvrJW014U/s1600/poker_face_meme1.jpg
What?

[KuroiTsubasaTenshi]

I find your Luna rather disturbing. The jokes are amusing enough, but man, some of those implications are pretty dark. Celly being so disrespectful is a bit of an eyebrow raiser too. Kind of have to wonder why they didn't attempt to test the psychic talking before the meeting, as well.

[Danger Beans]

Nice read, though I feel as if it's too short.

[Pokekid543]

Are you implying that Luna is the Ghangas Khan of ponies?
...I can roll with that.

[Avogadro]

Luna...

Implies that she mothered many half-pony-half-griffons.

Says that griffon wenches are the best.

I believe that she in fact fathered many hippogriffs.