Celestia has a small tradition to keep.
Chapters (1)
storm the castle
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I have spent a lot of effort and time trying to help my siblings, so I know how it hurts when there is nothing you can do.
Sex? With a chef? Really Luna?
3358567
i am not sure what you read, but it is not Luna who was thinking dirty, it was the chef. Luna see's it in his dreams.
3361220 and she didn't stop him?
3365432
hence the whole "if not that, than the dreams she found in him later that night" bit. she's gonna hurt him
3366934 good.
Accepted into the Sibling Story Stockpile
This story has lots of potential
4482205 How so? i'm not above revisiting and revising stories, like some writers, and i welcome input. i intend to do this professionally, so criticism is welcome.
4484154
I've got a bit to say, so I'll have to respond when I have more time. Plus it's morning where I am - brain not yet fully attached.
I liked this a lot. Thought it felt a bit rushed and jumbled toward the end. Still a piece from the heart.
4484154
So the way I read this, we have a seemingly perfect being (Celestia) living in a imperfect world. The story, imho, is centered on her disappointment, and on her longing for Luna to return. The first two or three paragraphs go down that path very nicely, creating a sense of space and silence (where is the only pony who understands me? Oh, I failed to keep her from going mad and banished her. I try and fail to compensate by setting a place for her). From there, however, there seem to be a lot of false starts - characters that are interesting but left undeveloped, the chef and his, uh, fascination, the caretaker, etc. These would be better off in a multi-chapter story. If you're going for a one-shot, I would prune them out.
In general, my advice is to focus on the core emotions (sadness, longing, disappointment, guilt), and avoid exposition and "telling". Why is the beautiful and wise Princess Celestia despondent? Set the table piece by piece throughout the whole story, metaphorically speaking, and show us.
Let me know if you want more details or ideas as to potential outcomes.
4488361 I see where you might have found issue, however, i might suggest re-reading with a few things in mind. first of all, the table setting is just as i described it, an act reminiscent of the POW table in the military. second, the introduction of the secondary characters was meant to keep the story from being depressing, a sort of 'light at the end of the tunnel thing.' Still, i'll consider what you've said, and maybe flesh out some of the other parts. thank you.