The last human alive recounts the events that led to the downfall of humanity by Celestia's hooves. Rated Teen for slight launguage and violence.
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- Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Jlargent
Not much to say really, I write stories for the Brony Nation and the Pegasister Alliance that's all I do really.
Jlargent
Joined 22nd Feb, 2012 ·
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here is a tip:learn the magic of commas, they help alot. also periods, no run on sentences
thank you for considering my critisim
I was intrigued, as this shares a title with a popular TCB story, "last man standing", which I was pretty sure had already been published here.
I skimmed this one, and it's a mix of "ten rounds" and your own stuff.
To be honest, as a first fanfiction, it's passable... but you badly need an editor. Learn to use commas properly, learn about "show vs tell" and let your characters breathe. You've got enough in this story for something ten times this size - it's understandable you may not feel you can write it that large, but if you just give us a dry exposition of a future history your story will not be anywhere near as riveting as it could be.
I suggest you read "ten rounds" (maybe again), "ten minutes" and even "last man standing" itself to see how things differ between a one-shot and a series, and then write some more.
A good start.
I like this, but I feel it could have been extended some more. Things just seemed to be happening too fast.
I found this to be riveting. granted, like those above me, work on editing a bit more. But you did fantastic for a first timer. and as a fellow member of TCB, I'm glad you did well.
Also, you've inspired me to write my own first fanfic, so congrats to you for making this ponies day
Hoody Hoo! (I too like the Knights Of The Dinner Table)
OK, score time.
Good and bad points.
You told a complete story, which is good, but it is very, very derivative of Ten Minutes and Ten Rounds which was not so good.
You need to work on punctuation. Sometimes things get confusing and hard to read; a little more study in that area is warranted. I do not wish to be mean, but your punctuation is... not happy.
Characterization: you have made Celestia into a simple, cardboard enemy. In order to make a convincing adversary, most writers seem to agree that you need to never think of them as evil. Instead, when you write what they say, and how they act, make your villains always, from their perspective, do good. A true villain never thinks they are evil, and they seldom gloat or prance about. Low level thugs do that. Most professional authors seem to agree that a proper Big Bad is certain that they are doing the best possible thing for the best and most noble or necessary of reasons. It is often suggested that you have to think that way while you write them.
Then, the villain truly becomes horrifying. There is no reasoning with someone who has the Truth, and is sure they are Good. That, is implacable evil.
Characterization 2: I would offer that we needed to know who your protagonist is. Who are they as a person? Why do they oppose ponification? Your story seems to assume that these things need no explanation, but I feel they do. I want to know a personal reason your protagonist opposes being a pony, beyond the surface judgement that ponies must be slaves because they serve Celestia. Celestia is a god. Perhaps, once converted, humans see that fact and willingly serve her out of genuine reverence. What is the personal basis for the protagonist's rejection?
Basically, it is a good start, but, in my opinion, you would do well to continue practice and work and above all work on some of the basics with your next story. Do keep going! Do write!
Those are my thoughts, for what they are worth.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the serum! WHY?! *Cough* wait what! oh hey there! you want to be a pony too?
Anyway good story! could use a little more character development and stuff but nice! still a bit sad though. :( (even made the ponies cry
) write a happy one next time. (but i do enjoy sad ones like this)
And that my friends is why you maintain your firearms but anyhow good story so I am giving you a gold star.
damn. i was hoping in the end he would be the mentally unchanged and manage to jump...
god, if the gun jams, ALWAYS CARRY AN EXTRA GUN!
290846
i would rather have a .50 caliber round in my head than be a pony
550445
HA!
Too late! You're a Pony! You can't use guns with hooves!
So there!
And none of your human friends can help you! HA HA!
Now what do you think?
552202
oh yeah? i had my gas mask bolted to my skull! (even though i had to be knocked out for that to happen to avoid pain beyond description)
552202
still, that is why they invented the magical thing of hoppee's mineral solvent!
552202
still, you did not account for was the mask being bolted to my skull! so i am still human!
HA HA!
555794
HUMPH!
Spoil sport!
OH! I know! I'll just inject you with serum!
*Stabs you with needle the neck*
MUHA HA HA HA HA HA! Try and get around that!
555870
LOL you fail. i had to have a special neck brace put in a few weeks ago after i nearly broke my neck in two. sorry to rain on your parade, but my neck is now stainless steel. sorry, your needle just broke off.
btw, if i were to be a pony, would i still have my robotic right arm? i lost the original via diesel locomotive a few weeks ago, which actually sucked.
also, i would prefer being a human so i could still eat the one thing i love; BACON
not to mention, that neck brace cost me about a good, oh i don't know, $10,000
Even thought this is getting a little ridiculous by now...
No. You would not have your robotic arm. It would just pop off during conversion and a right forelimb would grow in place of it.
Yeah I used to like BACON as well, but as a pony your taste buds would change meaning you would get a new food you love easily.
As for the neck brace...
I now stab you in the left arm, left leg, right leg and any where else that is not robotic or stainless steel.
And if that don't work....
MAGIC!
556696
Well, at least you didn't stab me in the balls. that would have hurt.
i also modified my guns so that i can still use them! HA HA!
with all the serum you put in me, i now have to live my life running from Celestia now. i think she wants to kill me!
know somewhere i can hide? i do not want to die.
556696
i just figured something out. Celestia will be looking for my ass, so i have to run.
know anywhere that i can hide? i wish to live!
(running is not easy with a steel neck!)
561439
You don't have a stainless steel neck anymore. Your all pony! 100%! And now 20% cooler!
And if you want to live...
Join me! On a quest to find another alternate universe with another earth! There we shall be rid of these silly namby-pamby ponies!
And then we shall create an army and concur the multiverses! First Equestria, then the rest of the alternate universes!
With my brain and you guns we shall concur them all! Warlords of the dimensions!
Muha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Want a cupcake? Being evil is making me hungry.
561986
actually, i had just put a vegan style stew in the crock-pot to slow cook before turning pony, we could have some of that.
i have a dark and sadistic personality. i had better be the color crimson!
561986
if i am 20% cooler, i had better be a dark and sadistic color. like crimson in my other comment
564919
Very well then.
You are a Unicorn stallion. (Duh)
With a dark crimson coat, dark blue eye's, a short brown mane with a medium tan highlight.
Is this sort of what you had in mind?
If so I might draw/sketch you. To a decent extent.
I am getting to be pretty good!
Yes you can use your magic to hold a gun, unless you want to be a pegasus sniper(Death from above) sort of thing. OH I am @^%# at drawing guns though.
567034
that is exactly what I had in mind!
569349
I have started a basic sketch and will have to develop my skill a bit, then scan it and post here.
It will be in color.
572259
sweet! i can't wait to see it!
561986
Would you mind telling me what happened while I was knocked out?
577558
You... um well.. you see... um
I don't know. Maybe Princess Molestia came by or something.
But I can't remember much. Maybe that mind wipe spell has something to do with it.
579117
I found that bitch, and I put a .50 caliber bullet through her head causing it to explode epicly.
(Dark and demonic laugh)
579117
did anything else happen?
also, we're fucked aren't we?
579171
umm...
Yep.
We are! No doubt what so ever. At least the other sex crazed ponies want come and find us. Right? RIGHT? Tell me!
P.s could I get a slow mo replay of that epic head exploding?
By the way do you want your OC to be happy or scowling?
For expressions. And what type of gun do you want, WW2 style or a modern rifle?
Please, do tell.
580319
*shows slow mo replay of molestia's head epicly exploding* I told ya it was epic! :D
btw, I want a modern rifle. A barrett .50 to be exact.
my OC is happy because he is doing what makes him happy: killing sex crazed ponies with a .50 caliber rifle.
580319
I just noticed something. somehow, someway, I am still like my old self. I am on two legs and 1.5 feet taller than you. something is screwed up here.
that serum you injected me with must have been over the best used by date.
582600
Could be a hacked serum or something?
A mutated strain of serum that has allowed these alterations. Interesting. Interesting indeed.
And by the way, Thank You! I can draw a Barrett .50 cal sniper! It is one of my favorite weapons!
Would you like your cutie mark to be a set of cross hairs or something else?
By the way this has been going on for 28 comments! Should we stop?
NAH!
584778
YES! I want my mark to be a pair crosshairs from a high powered sniper rifle.
In my opinion, my cutie mark is not a cutie mark, it is a MANLY mark
584778
I also like the barrett .50 cal. it is RAW POWER that is not to be fucked with. you do not want to be on the business end of a barrett .50
585964
Amen to that!
.50 caliber is best caliber
Have a look at the Vector smg it is a pretty unique gun. It's firing pin can rotate off axis. Look it up!
It can be your side arm.
589873
(brings out a custom built .50 caliber revolver that uses .50 BMG rounds) now this is my sidearm!
this makes .50 caliber the GREATEST. CALIBER. EVER.
594386
Revolver? Have you gone mad! Get a .50 cal Dessert Eagle!
Much cooler! About 20% cooler.
Any grenades or explosives that you want?
594951
a desert eagle? really? I heard that gun is bullshit. Besides, my .50 caliber revovler is what makes .50 caliber best caliber.
(sees empty chamber) tf2 heavy impression: oh my god, who tocuhed sasha? alright, WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!
580319
did you like the slow mo video of molestia's head EPICLY exploding? I sure did!
599336
So Play it again diamondMAN! And again. And again. and (repeat 50 times then start again)
As for your gun...
IT WAS MEEEEEEE!
HA HA!
600551
GRRRRRR! (puts .50 caliber round through trollestia's head after reloading)
I hate it when someone touches my custom built gun.
Did anyone else touch my guns?
600551
(checks reserve ammo) I am running out of .50 cal rounds. I need to find MOAR!
600551
I cant wait to see what I look like in your drawing! :D
601314
Noooope!
Make Moar! Y U No use magic?
DUH!
As for the drawing...
I'm working on it. Slowly working on it. Please just recap what you want again so I don't screw anything up.
By the way did you know that I also have a gun. Oh yeah. It is a Hand-held Love and Tolerance cannon! AWWWWWW YEAH!
605946
for the drawing, I want a Barrett .50 for my primary, my revolver at my side, a two handed sword for melee.
for the mark, sniper rifle crosshairs!
Also, Here is a .50 caliber revolver. I bought two! Use it in case your cannon runs empty.
(looks down and finds 10 boxes of .50 BMG's) Sweet! ammo!
605999
OOOOOH! Shiny!
613349
Yeah it is! You DO NOT want to know how much two of these things cost me!
Still, take good care of that! I don't want a .50 BMG going through me. BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL
Also, I plastered Queen Chrysalis's brains all over the wall with my trusty 12 gauge shotgun! don't add the shotgun in the drawing. Lugging around two guns and a sword is enough!