Thunderlane's Sick Day

FinnPony #1 · Sep 22nd, 2013 · 2 · ·

Short, but I liked it. I'm working on a Rarity X Thunderlane ship too. I don't understand why there isn't more of them out there. I have found only couple.

Vexy

Vexy #2 · Sep 22nd, 2013 · 2 · ·

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Short and sweet. I liked it.

Brony_Fife

Brony_Fife #3 · Sep 22nd, 2013 · 2 · ·

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Quite a few spelling mistakes in the narrative. Got rather bland in some spots, with amateurish storytelling mistakes here and there. Take the following paragraph for example:

A few days later, and Thunderlane was back at 100%. Rarity spent every day with him, to make sure he got over the feather flu completely. He was about to head to her to shop and thank her. He got her some flowers, chrysanthemums and some agrimonias. Rose had gone into unnecessary detail as to how this combination said everything he wanted. He wasn't to knowledgeable on the "language of flowers", but he knew Rarity was. But he didn't stop with the flowers, he also got a box of all Rarity's favorite sweets.

It's a cute detail to talk about the chocolates and flowers Thunderlane gets for Rarity, but at the same time, it has little to do with the opening sentences. "Rarity taking care of Thunderlane" should flow into "Thunderlane decides to be grateful" and from there to "Thunderlane buys flowers and candy." In short, this one paragraph would be better off written as three paragraphs. Observe:

A few days later, and Thunderlane was back at 100%. Rarity spent every day with him, to make sure he got over the feather flu completely.
He was about to head to her to shop and thank her.
He got her some flowers, chrysanthemums and some agrimonias. Rose had gone into unnecessary detail as to how this combination said everything he wanted. He wasn't to knowledgeable on the "language of flowers", but he knew Rarity was. But he didn't stop with the flowers, he also got a box of all Rarity's favorite sweets.

But! There's still a problem. We've separated our ideas into their proper paragraphs, but at the same time, the words fly by too fast without so much as expanding the story at all. So let's fix that.

It took a few days before Thunderlane was back at 100%. Rarity stayed with him the whole while, nursing him patiently as his feather flu took its time in leaving.
Thunderlane's hooves clopped merrily across the cobblestone on his way to her shop. He readjusted the flowers in his saddlebag -- the candy, too.
He'd gotten her some flowers -- chrysanthemums and some agrimonias. Rose had, as always, gone into unnecessary detail as to how this combination said everything he wanted. He wasn't too knowledgeable on the "language of flowers", but he knew Rarity was.
The sweets were a different story, with Bon Bon quickly helping him pick out something romantic, then shooing him out of her store. He'd never quite understand other mares the way he'd understand Rarity.

But all in all, short, sweet, to the point. Gotta give ya props for that.

Wiriamuzu

Wiriamuzu #4 · Sep 22nd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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So cute and I was shaking with excitement with that climax! Kinda wanted a proposal from Thunderlane though... Maybe too soon?

Twigal2003pony

Twigal2003pony #5 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Aww! it's just so CUUUUUUUUTE! I know everyponies all like "Oh the grammer is terrible and the pacing is to fast," but I HAVE THAT ALL THE F$&KING TIME! Ya know, READ THE F$&KING SPIDERSES! Anyway, ADORABLE! Thank you and I liked a few jokes you snuck in to.

BFDI is amazing.

Good bye,

SuperPinkBrony12

SuperPinkBrony12 #6 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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Kind of short but fairly sweet. A nice fuzzy little read.

Garbo

Garbo #7 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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Love Thunderlane. This is good stuff. Have a watch.

Alticron

Alticron #8 · Feb 23rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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That was a really nice story, short and sweet. That being said, there's a couple of things you may want to edit.

Rarity had taken the liberty to add some honey to it, apparently, and the steam was really helping clear his sinuses up, though they weren't to congested to begin with.

To many, it seemed to him.

Both of these should be "too".

Spitfire395

Spitfire395 #9 · Jan 27th, 2019 · · ·

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awww what a beautiful story, I love her, I love this couple, what tender actions on the part of both, full of tenderness and affection 😍

Yoshifan30

Yoshifan30 #10 · Jun 19th, 2022 · · ·

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Aww this was a pretty nice short story so thunderlane wasn't feeling so well and Rarity offer to help him to get better which he was grateful for her to do that despite how much is going to be so busy the next days and he admitted how much he really loves her so much so the next day he went over to her boutique and tell her how much she appreciated her and loved her and they seal it with a kiss again I really nice story I kind of wish we could to see more story of it but anyway keep up the good work

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