All families have their wounds. All friendships have secrets. But not all stories have a happy ending.
Tricky has a secret. Blaze doesn't know, but he will. And he will hate every single particle of Tricky when he finds out. Their newborn friendship will evaporate in the heat of hatred.
But what about Blaze's secret? What's he got to do with Tricky's mad family?
I will do that, thank you sooooooo much
Ohmahcelestia this is amazing
I don't even know how to thank you enough I you
Okay, I think I can see that you're major problem so far is formatting.
Don't worry, I still have this problem sometimes.
Many of your paragraphs and sentences are to clumped together creating a 'wall of text' that's fine for a novel, but here on the internet that really bugs people as they feel like they are getting a whole lot of information just thrown at them and find it either annoying or tedious to read all of the way through.
I hope this helps.
3179698 Thank you, i will work on that thank you for taking the time to read it you are now officialy awesome
This fic has a lot of mechanical problems. Your grammar and spelling could use some work, I'm seeing errors all over the place, so please proofread your work more intensively. "Cutie mark" is usually written as two words. Your formatting is very inconsistent. Your chapters are very, very short: 6000-8000 is what I aim for in any adventure story. Stylistically, you're all over the place. For example, you have a decently seriously-written first paragraph:
But then a few paragraphs down you suddenly shift into an extremely childish tone:
This is extremely distracting to the reader. Stylistic consistency is very important. If you're going to adopt a serious tone, then you need to keep to it unless a reason arises to change it, like if you're switching perspectives between a mature character and a childish one.
Overall, consistency appears to be a major issue for you. This isn't that bad for a first fic attempt, however, but you have a lot of room for improvement.
3179778 Thank you for your honesty, I will work on that
Hm... I'm having a pretty hard time critiquing this, considering that this is pretty amazing quality for your first story. That being said, there are some problems in it. You tend do a lot of 'telling' instead of showing. You tend to list actions, without describing what's going on in detail or how characters are feeling. An easy way to fix this would be to take some of the adverbs off of your actions, and instead describe how the character is feeling/acting. Overall all though? It's pretty good. Just work on your show vs. tell, and buff out some of the grammatical mistakes, and you'll have a golden story!
3181086 thank you i cant thank you enough for all the help you've given me your stories are amazing i hope you never stop writing
I enjoy this, mainly because it makes me realize how plentiful the 'amnesia' opening is. I will put it on my read later list, for it seems interesting. See you soon ☺.
3365444 Thank you it really means the world to me that you guys like it you're awesome
Hooves. 'cause I'm sure ponies don't have feet. Oh god, horse feet... not actually that weird, if you add a few extra bones to some hooves, it looks kinda like something a dinosaur would have.
Missing a comma. This , thing, in between fog and detached.
With... hooves...? Meh, I'll let it slip. That's what mouths are for!
'but that just hurt.' I take it you're also a writer that writes quickly as ideas flow faster than you can type. I know that feel.
I believe ponies have 'tartours' or something instead of hell, but that's only for massive writers who spend their lives devoted to their stuff. Still, it's a nice touch to add... might want to check my spelling of it though...
THAT I like very much. Adds the perfect creepy vibe for the circumstance. Also, you spelt 'awnsered' wrong. It's: 'answered'.
Ha. She's boned.
As she neared the strange animals, the chanting became clearer.
"Baby, baby, baby, oooh!"
I'm a bad person!
an' or and.
That is one heavy sleeper. I bet she'd do the same thing in front of Celestia, and that wouldn't end well. Anyway, 'sleeping' doesn't quite fit the bill here, so I'm thinking maybe 'Tricky had fainted' or 'Tricky was dead to the world' might be better suited. Your choice though.
'i' should be capital.
Missing a extra dot and a space... I think...
That would also be my greatest concern. Right next to missing out on Draft Crown Cola.
Not bad, not bad at all! This is certainly something new and I hope it all plays out smoothly. I'd like to read the next chapter right away, but I'm a tad tired, it being midnight and all.
See you tomorrow! AND PLAY KATAWA SHOUJO!!
3531165 Ghaha I shall indeed play it, you have me intrigued And you are the FIRST one to notice the JB and Slender reference, to you dear sir.
Thank you so much for the help, if you need help with one of your stories, I'm more than willing to help
This is a problem many new writers have. They often switch tenses from 3rd to 1st person pov.
Why were they following her? What had she done? No, I have to keep calm. She kept telling herself to stay calm to the point it became a ritual. Keep calm Tricky, keep it together.
What helps me when I do that is to think like I am narrating a story to a friend. It didn't happen to me, so I can't use 'I', 'You', or 'Me'.
3728546 Thanks, I've started noticing a lot of faults here and there, but I'm too lazy to go through all chapters and edit
And thanks for the watch too
Hey, lovin the story, I'm no where near finishing it, but it's interesting enough to keep me engaged through the first two chapters. Keep up the great work.
4044437 Thank you! It really means a lot to me
Sadly, I have this humongous writes block right now and also far too many ideas and I CAAN'T CHOOSE
So, there might not be anymore chapters anytime soon
Might.
4044437 Scratch that, I just updated
4047183 Wow, this chapter was very intense. But Ace or Tricky dieing, I can't say I haven't thought of that, hmm.
4049524 Don't worry, the (possibly) last chapter is on it's way I hope you like it