- Member Since 28th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen April 20th
Mannulus
I'm a musician, songwriter, and erstwhile actor and improviser, with a BA in theatre and a minor in Latin. That's the short version.
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I don't understand the downvotes.... It's only been 5 minuets......
Chapter 1:
This is so much darker and edgier than the cannon, and honestly? I fucking love it. All the characters are pessimistic assholes, I think in trying to make them more human you went too far and gave them too many negative aspects of human individuals.
That being said I think it works well considering the setting, and goes well with the theme of the story. Pretty awesome.
It had a poor description at first. It was, perhaps, too honest about how morose this story is. I think people were reading that, then downvoting without really reading a chapter. I mean to rework that one more time before I update again. The current one was a triage measure, to stop the dislikes.
My plan here was to show the characters as sort of burnt out and a little older. Still them, but having experienced some real adversity. There's method to my madness; don't worry.
When I make art, writing, music, or whatever, I honestly don't cater to happy people. I create for the downtrodden, the disaffected, the confused, and the confusing. To reach those people, I have to reflect them. Like I said, though, there's a method to this madness.
I have no social life and no idea how social smoking works, so this is all utterly strange and alien to me. Good chapter.
It's mostly just a joke that she'd really rather they didn't smoke inside. It leaves the smell of smoke all over everything.
Did a super mild little Orwellian Edit on the line about Selene's eyes in the seventh chapter, if you've already read it.
Disclaimer: I've read just this chapter and parts of The Sun Eater Returns
Writing is smooth with a few cracks. Thoughts don't go in quotes, but otherwise are written as dialogue. I spy with my beady eyes an overdose of commas; they bogged down the pace and interrupted my submersion, and I caught at least one grammatically misplaced. A few phrases could be omitted without loss, and a few more adverbs (how I hate them—grammatically) could be discarded with slight modifications. I would link some of the complete but related sentences with semicolons instead.
That said, I concede that all rules may be bent—only in the aforementioned cases, bent in the wrong direction.
And yet, this piece had a great voice. Here's where I leave concrete territory: the piece screamed 'not-bloody-amateur.' This vibe is always hard to word, much less pin down to specifics. I imagine you could do it. That's my impression. Thumbs up.
I will not be reading further, though.
I read parts from the Sun Eater, and the chain smoker Twilight and her agitated interaction with Spike threw me out. If there was a downward spiral, I would have been hooked for sure, but as it is, this leap is just too far. On the other hand, you might as well start with original fiction. A few 'AU' stories are so far off the street they may as well be their own books, anyway, and your voice is strong.
Addendum: I didn't want to say this, but I think you're a great writer. What stopped me wasn't a concern for falsehoods; it was a little voice that told me I could not keep things in the proper perspective. I've finally settled on a nice, relativistic base to say what I wanted to say. It's a damn high one, too.
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Thanks for a worthwhile critique. Something like this is far more useful to me than being mindlessly bashed for going rogue with the source material or being told it's the best you've ever read.
I'll go back and edit for some of the things you mentioned. I had no idea that thoughts weren't supposed to be in quotes, and I do tend to misuse and overuse commas. Sometimes that can be a function of me over-editing. I tend to start rearranging clauses, adding interjections, rethinking how a character would phrase a sentence, etc. Sometimes, however, it's just me not knowing what I'm doing, and not using a separate editor. I guess I just have a hard time asking someone to take the time to read 60,000 words of beer-and-pretzel fanfiction, and fix my mistakes while they're at it.
I actually am working on an original book (on which I WILL be using a separate editor). This project was just a break from that because I've hit some walls. I needed to step away from it for long enough to come back and get my bearings with a fresh perspective.
I don't blame you for not reading further. I have a love/hate relationship with this AU and the things I've written in it. While I'm writing in it, I can't watch the show. It's jarring and unsettling to come back to something like this after having just watched "Winter Wrap-Up."
When the last chapter of this book is posted and edited, that's it for this universe/continuity. I just want the show to be something that makes me happy, again. That said, I created all this, and even if I took it all down off of FiMfiction, and hid it away in a vault, or even destroyed all the data of it in existence, the fact would still remain that I had created it. Pretending that it didn't exist would be to deceive myself and everyone else as to whom I am -- or at least who I was when I wrote it.
I think I created this AU partially because I have, ever since I was a child, loved to fantasize about being a part of my favorite fictional worlds and universes. I really do love MLP;FiM, and I wanted to be able to think of myself in Equestria, but the sad fact of it is that I just don't belong in that world. The fact that I can even write something like this attests to that. So, I created an offshoot of it. I don't self-insert, and rarely use OCs, but I could see myself somewhere in this version of that world. Hasbro-Faustian Equestria? Never.
Thanks again for at least giving it a chance. You read it before passing judgment, and that is far more than most people are doing. In all honesty, however, I can't say that I don't understand why. The Brony in me wants to see this as an abomination. If it wasn't a part of the whole that created it, I don't know if I could forgive myself for this.
At least all that's left is a bit more editing and perhaps a short afterword. That's all of "The Sun Eater" I have left in me.
Wow i really like this its gritty and i love it keep it up
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Thanks a lot. It was fun to write, if at times painful.
If you haven't read "The Sun Eater," give it a look. It and all my other stories except "The Greatest Day of Her Life" take place in this same continuity, but around ten years earlier -- in other words, around the same time as the show. "The Sun Eater" is the first, and is of equivalent length and depth. It informs this one's plot the most, but the other ones, all short stories, give a little more insight into the characters' various psychologies.
Tell your friends. I'd love for this to be read a bit more.
“Eh, you can find it on FiMfiction,” said Pinkie Pie. “'The Sun Eater'. Just be sure your mature filter's off. There's this one fight that goes a little overboard on the gore-o-meter.”
The 4th wall is now dead
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I had forgotten I even wrote that line.
Oh, well. At least someone got a kick out of it.
Thanks again for reading!
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So, I found this randomly thrown in amongst Celestia's conversation in the infirmary.
Yea.
Just tried those for the first time last month, because some dickhead threw a pack and a half at my skull.
Bitch needs her vices.
Yay, love that character development. Also loved the little touched in this story, like the characters all having distinctive door knocks. Very charming.