- Member Since 8th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2023
CanadianFluttershy
Hi! I'm CanadianFluttershy. I'm from Québec, Canada. I know how to speak English and French fluently, and apparently my writing is not so bad :)
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This story is off to a rough start.
This sentence no verb.
Crystal Heart. A hearth is a fireplace.
Wow! That's really over-the-top. No question about who's the bad guys here, huh? I find a hard time even imagining this in Pony World.
Only One question, Are you making the Humans HIght techonologycally advanced? our current level of advanced? a less advanced one?or a custom made level of advancement?(I mean that you decided what or what not the humans have, like satellites, ICBM, etc, even thought they would normally should), the picture gives hints, but you must be relly carefull about making the humans too powerfull, or too weak.
The prologue should be larger, because the idea your a proposing, requieres a lot of explanation, that means, don't rush anything; look for an editor, you really need one.
The Idea is very interesting, I'll be following it for the time being, until you finnish it, or when I get bored of it(I recommend a rewrite, you won't bring much attention if you don't get better).
Good Luck.¡¡¡
I like it, but seriously? the CSS has that much overkill?
I find the idea interesting, but everything is so damn polarized in this story. Group X is made of the good guys who can do no wrong and fight heroically against Group Y, the evil-Mc-Evildoers who have no redeeming qualities, are not good in any way, and exist solely to be evil. It's so black and white, there's no room for interpretation or depth in the story.
The description is also confusing and contains a lot of unnecessary info. Tell us the belligerents in the story, and don't list them and their reason for wanting war in the desc.
Your airship names are unoriginal and boring. HMAS Stallionj? That's like having the USS Man. And you didn't even italicize the names.
Also, this is very unlike the Second World War. Other than the CSS acting as Aryan nationalists, nothing here remotely resembles it. You might want to look up the actual timeline of WW2 before you start making stories off of it.
4213730 Her Majesty's Equestrian Airship
4213537 ouch
you make me feel bad...
4212243 Well it is a dark story. And for the hearth thingy.. Well I always make that mistake, and I'm deeply sorry. And lastly for the verb thingy...Well.. I didn't understand. Care to help me and say what's wrong with that sentence. Cuz for me, I don't see anything wrong with it...
4213537 Ok what about, the HMEA Sun of Dawn and HMEA Night Spirit!?
4213025 I know...
4213107 Yup, that's what happens when you don't prepare for war.
In times of peace, prepare for war.-Niccolò Machiavelli
Interesting so far, can wait to read the next chapter!
4214286 Thanks, I thought it was crap after reading some of the comments. You really boosted my confidence. And for that I'm grateful.
I like the concept of this story, it's well written so far barring some writing errors, however, I think you might have made the C.S.S. a bit too evil. I can't wait for the next chapter of this story.
I think I get it, Equestria is Britan and Humana is America
4214457 Yup ya got it.
i like it so far and cant wait for humans to show the pony's how war is waged
Now I await the boogymen of both world wars.
And crave to know how this story goes!
'Go poutine's, toques, and chesterfields!'
~ A Canadian saying to confuse other.
This has an interesting premise and a lot of potential... but also a lot of issues.
First, too much information is told directly to the readers as exposition. The backstory does not unfold naturally from events, but is thrown at us because we need to know it. There are many ways this could have been improved. For example, we could have sat in on Celestia briefing Shining Armor about the Humans, the mission, and the state of the war. That way, we could learn all this information as he does, without a narrator-based info-dump.
Also, there are many ways the war crimes could have been handled better. Instead of telling us what is going on, we could have either "seen" it, or had it brought up by characters in the story. Maybe we could have seen flashbacks, or heard guards discussing rumours about what the other side did to young foals. Not only does this cut down on exposition, it leaves it ambiguous how much of their supposed "evil" is real and how much is propaganda. In any case, by just telling us directly, the events lose a lot of emotional impact, even when talking about war crimes.
These are minor issues, however. The biggest problem this story faces is it's grammar. The spellings are fine, but the syntax and word choice are full of small errors. For example:
This story is written in the past tense, so it should not use present tense terms to describe anything unless it's in a character's dialogue. Also, royal guard should probably be singular, as the Royal Guard is a singular group.
The colloquialism is "turn of events," with events plural.
Again, this story is past tense, so this verb should be in the past perfective, not a present perfective.
These need to both be in past tense, and a comma would make sense between the two phrases.
That should be "to," not "in." You make this mistake several times.
Same here.
Not only is this the wrong preposition, but the verb is an odd choice. It could be rendered "put in"
This should be do, not did. Also, earlier you specifically said she had bags under her eyes because she wasn't sleeping at all, yet here you say she is sleeping.
Needs to be past tense again.
Not only is this supposed to be past tense, but if it was present tense, it would be rendered as "stand" because the noun is plural.
This needs a comma between right and Captain.
Intriguingly is an adverb, so as used here, you are saying that Celestia is speaking in a way intended to provoke interest. I don't think that's what you mean.
In any case, If you want to imply that Celestia is intrigued, it should be something like "Celestia asked, intrigued."
However, this seems an odd choice. Why is Celestia so unduly interested? If she merely wants to know if Luna is onboard already, she would not be unduly intrigued unless that was somehow unusual. This sentence works perfectly fine without the modifier.
Here, you not only need a comma, you also need some single quotes. Also, would Celestia address Shining Armor so informally as to call him "Shining" here?
I don't know if Celestia would say "to be frank." Also, the colloquialism is "worth a try."
Again, a comma is appropriate here.
This either needs to read "at full activity" or "full of activity."
This is a sentence fragment. You refer to the ship in the previous sentence, but this is a new sentence, and you don't have a predicate.
This is the first time you've used a comma where you don't need one. This whole sentence is one thought.
Again, you don't need a comma here.
This is... awkward phrasing, with many different ways it could be fixed.
Very odd verb choice. Are you sure you don't want something like "bustling"? That's the usual colloquialism.
Another tense issue, as it should be past tense. Also, admiral does not need to be capitalized here, and 'this' is unnecessary. By using 'this' fleet, it sounds like you are trying to compare it to some other fleet.
Stallions and mares don't need to be capitalized here, and I'm not sure this information is really important and needs to be mentioned.
This needs a comma, unless you think she is trying to address him as "mine admiral."
Wrong preposition.
You call him a stallion three times in rapid succession. Is his gender really important here? The pronoun "he" would work better, as it conveys the same information but doesn't draw attention to itself, and isn't as cumbersome.
The word choice here is... odd, and has unintended connotations.
This needs a comma
I recommend having your work looked at by a beta-reader and/or editor. The story concept is good, the execution needs a little work, and the grammar needs a major overhaul. Still, it's interesting, and I'll stick around to see what happens next.
4215259 Please next time read the authors note
4215273
Well, drat. I missed that one. The one time I don't read an author's note and it contains important information.
I'm a little surprised at the idea of using PMs, however. Generally, the comments is where grammar issues are brought up.
4215306 Don't know why though, it just feels more comfortable for me, rather than scrolling down every time to check the mistakes.
4215327
Well, it keeps all the discourse related to a single story in one place, to start with. Otherwise everything fragments and becomes a bookkeeping nightmare as you sort through listing after listing. Still, I suppose how convenient it is depends on how many stories you have up, and how many conversations you engage in at once.
your description was a horrid mess almost to awkwardly worded to get through, that being said the story was completly different i greatly enjoyed this bit of world building. will fav and eagerly await more.
Now this has gotten my attention!
I don't think we would keep promise for 1000 years... I bet there would be few brave expeditioners who is ready to sacrifice his life for knowledge, and our leaders aren't immortal, so each leader has different view on things so it's almost impossible for us to keep promise for 1000 years. It gets harder when there's lots of country on human side. I think 'alternate universe portal' would be more acceptable in this fic.
4216044 your picture just made that statement so much better
This is just fine. Keep it up.
4217478 filthy heathen you shall see the glory of apposable thumbs and MURICA
4217498 Sweet lord calm down! This fic isn't your thing so what!? Why bother letting three fucking comments, when you don't like the story in the first place! Stop shitting on other people because YOU don't like it. I'm not fucking Shakespear! I'm trying my best to improve my grammar, I accept intelligent criticism, tips, corrections, everything to create at least decent stories, and people like you start shitting on me because you don't like my stuff. Don't get me wrong, you have the right to don't like it. But calling people who supports me, encourages me to do better, (sociopaths)!? Now don't get me wrong again, you can think of us as sociopaths. But letting a comment telling everybody who upvoted... Sociopaths!? Now you mister is just acting like an idiot. Now would you please let the intelligent people take care of it? This will allow and help others to take a breather of your shit. Thank you, bye.
To be honest, your grammar does need work. But I realize that you're sort of new to this, right? If not.. well there's time for you to get better. And though there's a few points in the story that needs to be fixed, like some plot holes. But it has potential. So I'll stick around and see where you take me. But I do suggest you get a pre-reader/editor. They'll most certainly find your grammar and spelling mistakes and fix them.
The prologue was a nice start, but I wish it was longer and at least ended with them arriving to this place. But that's probably how I'd write it and I realize you're not me. But it's pretty good in my opinion.
4218500 Thank you, and yes I'm sort of new to this. It's kind of hard to write in English when you live in a place where everybody wants you to speak French and write in French.
4218512 Oh? Where do you live if you don't mind me asking? I don't want to assume or anything. But in your icon there's the Canadian flag. So are you perhaps from Quebec? If not and I was wrong than I apologize for assuming.
Also, a side note. I would edit but I'd probably mess up and miss something. But if I was more confident in my abilities or more skilled I would offer my time for you. After all I have a lot of time.
4218530 Yeah I'm from Quebec.(Good guessing btw) I'm bilingual since I was 4 yrs old. But I wasn't really interested in English back then, so I kind of lost some basic things. As for the editing part, I would gladly appreciate your help. I kind of need every possible help I can get right now.
4218568 ha! Then you don't live very far from me. I live in ontario. And well if you want I can try and help you out. I might not be the greatest editor in the world but I will try my best. I'll probably be better at helping you with ideas though. If there's one thing that I'm known for it's for my large range of ideas.
4218607 Cool, so Idea helper it is. I'll listen to your ideas anytime. But for now, I'm hungry for poutine lol. See ya.
4218649 Okies see ya later bro!
4218655 Don't fret, they won't be like that all. They're intelligent.
4218708 Is it better now?
The Human lands should be the modern countries we have today mashed into one place.
Either that, Humans should have many different cultures mixed together to form dialects instead of separate culture.
Like their ships are "USS Arizona" and their Army are German soldiers or something like that. I hope the Humans have nuclear weapons to assert their dominance. Or symbolize how powerful they have become in a few thousand years
So much moustache curling XD.
Anyway, interesting premise, i ll keep an eye on this.
only thing i find wired is ponies stood a chance agenst us and they got guns. Also are the ponies antro , humanized or cannon?
ps were is Spike and the dragons?
There is a guy somewhere below me with more revisions, I recommend you take a look at those. Looks pretty interesting, like the WWII theme quite a bit. Will like and follow to see where this goes.
4222807 I can't believe I did that
4222813
Don't worry about it, your doing fine
4222831 Thanks
Interesting. I'd like to see where this goes.