• Member Since 6th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 14 minutes ago

neokiva


T

Twilight Sparkle becomes embroiled in a dark experiment, she thought was for the benefit of pony kind.

Edited by AuthorGenesis
cover art by JinZhan larger version of cover

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 23 )

The concept is somewhat unique and interesting and I love how you avoided Twilight being out of character by having her tricked.

Advice?

Spend more time reading over your own work and consider getting somebody who can proofread for you in their spare time. I get the impression that this was written in one stretch and you didn't spend much time refining it. The story and ideas have strong potential but you need to focus on your writing technique if you want people to give your fic a warmer reception.

You might be able to better figure out a lot of the awkward sentence structure if you were to carefully read it to yourself aloud. When you come across a sentence that sounds awkward when you read it aloud, try to verbally express the same idea in a different way to work out a more natural way to re-write the sentence. Also, question marks exist for a reason; use them. And stop interrupting yourself with those commas! Most of them are unnecessary. Read up on sentence mechanics and proper punctuation at the Purdue OWL.

It's a bit awkward having two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Each time a different character speaks, he or she should have their own paragraph. You've got blocks of paragraphs with a conversation within them. It's confusing and makes it difficult for the reader to separate who's saying what. I would recommend you to please fix that.

Interesting idea for your story.

3333880 if your referencing the bolded conversation then that's all twilight taking to herself

3333909 Let me help you out here:

Twilight galloped, with a contingency of six guards escorting her to where Princess Celestia was. Twilight, now in full panic mode, used her magic and slammed the doors open, as she hastened to answer her princess' summons. "Princess Celestia! I have arrived!" "Fret not, my faithful student, for this time, I have good news. Remember the Royal Council of Apothecaries and Medical Practitioners? They have proposed a project for transplanting unicorn horns from a deceased unicorn to a living one, and help unicorns who have had their horn damaged or broken, to be able to continue using their magic, with a successful horn transplant. So, I'm promoting you to C.O.O. of Project: Renewed Light. Congratulations!" Not long afterwards, they were having their picture taken in front of the very building that Twilight now worked in, overseeing the implementation and execution of Project: Renewed Light.

This paragraph (as well as others structured like it) needs to be broken up.

Like this:

Twilight galloped, with a contingency of six guards escorting her to where Princess Celestia was. Twilight, now in full panic mode, used her magic and slammed the doors open, as she hastened to answer her princess' summons.
"Princess Celestia! I have arrived!" (Twilight called out breathlessly)
(Celestia smiled upon seeing her protoge. A bit of concern creased her lovely features as she noted Twilight's haphazard appearance from her hurry.)"Fret not, my faithful student, for this time, I have good news. Remember the Royal Council of Apothecaries and Medical Practitioners? They have proposed a project for transplanting unicorn horns from a deceased unicorn to a living one, and help unicorns who have had their horn damaged or broken, to be able to continue using their magic, with a successful horn transplant. So, I'm promoting you to C.O.O. of Project: Renewed Light. Congratulations!"
Not long afterwards, they were having their picture taken in front of the very building that Twilight now worked in, overseeing the implementation and execution of Project: Renewed Light.

Also, put in some indication Celestia is speaking her line or performing some action while she speaks (or both). Just trying to help you out. I put my added lines in () for you.

3333935 yeah there was indents fimfiction editor fucked up as i transferred it from gdocs

3333935 oh and that thing was a flashback fricken fimfiction and it's lack of a proper italics system

3334000

Actually, FimFiction has a way to place italics of its own!:derpyderp2:

The thing you need to get accustomed to is to place, [ i] in the beginning to initiate it and [/ i] to end it. Take in mind that they need to be without space in between to work. And with it, you will have a system which identifies you where everything is, and all the ways to place it.

I know it sucks. I understand it's hard to get used to, but this way no errors during writing makes any issues with the transition of its use to a setting to another.

UNASHAMED INVISIBLE SELF-PROMOTION.

I use it quite often in my story. Give it a look to see the different styles of use.

Shade with mouse to read.
ENDING OF UNASHAMED INVISIBLE SELF-PROMOTION.

Hope that helped.:twilightblush:

3334678 yeah i did that before your comment but i was just ranting about it, and what sentence was a problem because i already had an editor go through it several times.

ill be blunt, the story is a little rushed and sometimes you try an caracterize the M6, but you dont do a very good job in that, anyhow the story IS very interesting, ill be fav this and also thumbs up, anyhow, get an editor and ill be watching

sorry if i offend you
:applecry::applecry::applecry::applecry:

3788268 I do have an editor.

3788424 ok, and again sorry if i might have offended you

my eye are filled with tears from how cute this is #:pinkiesad2:snif snif#

Please continue :fluttercry:

3883830 don't worry it's coming I am sick at the moment but as soon as I can i will continue writing the next chapter :)

I love the fucking futurama reference I'm scruffy the janitor

4369225 hahaha, calm down, more is coming.

Um...may I ask...why was this cancelled, it's a great story...sorry if I asked a bad question.:fluttershysad:

6835074 mostly it was just I ran out of ideas and I want to start fresh

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