Twilight has discovered a new spell to use in tandem with the Elements of Harmony. Its intent is to reveal more of the mysteries behind the artifacts. Yet once the spell is cast will the mane six be able to deal with the consequences? What will they learn when they come face to face with the very virtues they claim to embody? The Mane six will have to face their greatest challenge yet. The Elements of Harmony themselves.
(Cover art done by CSIMadmax)
(Featured on 1/6/2014)
(Also big thanks to Coppercore for help editing my ramblings!)
Chapters (6)
Looks good...
3740424
Well its only just starting. Here's hoping later chapters can be more than just 'good'.
Tracking this out of curiosity.
Aside from a few minor typos, this looks pretty decent. I'm curious as to what caused the inevitable screw-up.
Wow this seems good
So whereas they had the subconscious attention of the Element entities, now they have the conscious attention.
Tracking out of interest… I always did see the Elements as 'intelligent', since they had to have been the only factor that set up the sh*t they did… Who else here thinks the Elements are all Knight Templar/Well-Intentioned Extremist who believe that the root of all problems are The Evils of Free Will and want to make a World of Silence? And now since they are active, they will attempt to remove all 'chaotic' factors in the world… expect Discord to be hunted down and attacked at some point...
Nice so far, but I noticed a few things:
They're in a carriage, not a train.
I don't think Pinkie is married. :)
Singular
Plural
Okay, this is pretty damn good I gotta say.
There are a few little typos and small things I noticed. A couple of missing commas and a few oddly worded phrases.
Other thing was I noticed you using "X said" a bit more than average. Maybe try to change it up a bit more with that.
Other than that, very cool premise for a story. Consider yourself tracked/followed/stalked/whatever you want to call it.
(Oh, also, If you looking for a prereader/proofreader/editor, I'd like to volunteer myself.)
Intriguing.
I look forward to seeing where this goes.
3740529
You see exactly what happened in Chapter 2. Though I have no idea when that will come out.
3740614
Thanks!
3740669
Eeyup.
3741055
Can't say too much on the Elements motivation at this time. You will just have to wait for future chapters to find out.
3741096
Thanks for catching those. Fixing now.
3741252
Thank you, fixing now.
3741325
Yeah, I probably need to reduce the X said a bit. Also, I friggin hate comma's. I can never quite get the fiddly little buggers to work right.
Also thank you for offering to assist on this story! If you can do so somewhat consistently I would be greatly appreciative. PM me when you get the chance.
3741607
Plans, plans have I.
NYYYYYYYX!!!!! NYYYYYYYX!!!!
3741856
Umm, what does Nyx have to do with this?
3741873
"
I dunno, I was just looking at the ivermectin art, and my mind just automatically screams, "NYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYXXXXX!!!!!!!!!
I look forward to seeing where this goes.
42!
3741907
ivermectin? Is that the name of an artist? If you mean whoever did the cover art, it was done by CSIMadmax.
3741959
That makes two of us.
3741973
Its the answer to everything after all.
3741979
POO FACE!!
Lag sometimes lags my typing, and this time it lagged "I just looked at the cover art" into ivermectin.
3742024
Ah, mystery solved then.
3742033
Woohoo!
Seems legit.
This has potential. Keeping an eye on this!
3742136
Hopefully future comments will be less laggy.
3742242
Pinkie is always legit.
This is SO GOOD
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3742317
Glad you enjoyed it!
Liked it for the cover art, Favorited for the story.
3742536
I too am proud of both.
Well, all right. I'll track it I suppose. That said, you could use another editing pass. The things that jump out at me are mixing up pluralization and possessives, and also something that seems like an unwillingness to use contractions. Even Twilight and Celestia use contractions I speech in the show. A lack of them makes the dialog stiff and robotic.
Also, this may be a personal point of preference, but honestly? Spelling out every sing inflection of AJ's accent (ah instead of I, for instance) is a little obnoxious. Better to be subtler with accents. The reader's mind can fill in the inflection as long as the slang is used correctly.
Hrm... Pretty heavy on the exposition, but promising overall. Definitely worth tracking.
3742736
People have different preferences on spelling out inflections. Personally I like the level that is used here. A few people like more, some like less. Some advocate none at all (it's grammatically incorrect after all).
Ok...
Interesting start... I like how you're portraying the characters...
I guess I'll have to just wait for you to take this somewhere: it's too early for me to know what's going on...
Alright...
You have my attention.
Let's see what you do with this.
My only concern so far is that Applejack seems... Wimpy.
~Skeeter The Lurker
42?!
Good concept, falls quite short on execution at the moment. I'm seeing a lot of structural errors. Apostrophe use could use a double check, a few sentences seem to have been worded backwards, there might have been a couple word uses that obstructed clarity, and Twilight says "I'm glad you asked, Rarity" two different times, with another "I'm glad you asked" in there for Applejack. If you want a more detailed list, I guess I could make a careful check through and point out errors, but a quick read through should let you find them fairly easily.
I want this story to be good, as you seem to have mixed up some fascinating plot elements with a sprinkling of unique visual elements. You also seem to have a very firm grasp of space usage in a given scene, which is all too frequently lacking in fiction. I do think you may be underestimating your readers' comprehension skills, and could cut back on restating things to try improving the flow a bit.
I wish you the best.
Well, this is something new. I like it. I like it a lot. I'll give this one a read sometime.
3743254
It's almost like she's in character!
3743403
Hardly.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3743449
Lies and tomfoolery!
is there going to be an element pony for each of the mane six
but even if that is not the case this story is so cool
I look forward to the next one. :)
Anyone get the feeling that 'Loyalty' is going to be kind of a hard ass?
Because 'Loyalty', as a concept, isn't all sunshine and rainbows.
Same with 'Honesty', because Honesty can be brutal. What if 'Honesty' is so blunt and truthful that it's physically painful to speak with?
Fun times.
Punctuation could use a good run-through, but otherwise it seems pretty good.
Looking forward to the next one.
And technically, the princesses know that the Elements were part of the Tree of Harmony.... but I doubt they know much about them beyond that. And from what's been shown, it does seem that each element is in its own way unique, and though they originated from the Tree of Harmony, they have shown signs that they possess a consciousness separate from it. Guess you could almost consider the tree as their 'parent' sort to speak. XD
Either way, eager to see what designs you have for the Elements. Will you be having them as a single pony, or as six? Either way, eager to see what you have in mind for them.:D
This has a lot of potential, I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
3742736
Yeah I know it needs some more polish, but this chapter has already gone through some heavy editing as it is. Besides its been sitting on my to do list for two years now. This year I actually want to get something posted, though it seems the error's are not too distracting considering I made the features list.
I also tend to agree with 3743078 on the whole accent thing. I am sorry you find it annoying, but that is how I always write AJ's voice.
3743121
Chapter two should help better with that. Hopefully I can get it done and out in a few weeks.
3743254
Huh, wasn't trying to make her sound like that. I was aiming for more concerned and reasonable of the group.
3743357
It's Pinkie Pie, how else would you expect her to answer a question?
3743367
Thanks. I know its not perfect and parts of my writing skills are a bit rusty. However I have only really gotten down to really writing stuff roughly since season two came out. I am still learning how to properly do everything here! I will also admit that apostrophe's and commas are tricky little buggers that are one of the hardest things for me to get right.
I do appreciate your offer to help edit this for me. I actually already have someone who should be able to help with this and future chapters. I will keep you in mind should he be unable to continue.
3743402
Why thank you! Hope you enjoy it when you actually read it!
3743403
3743449
3743594
Hey, no comment fights.
3743616
Yes, each element will be getting a pony version in the story. Not much of a spoiler considering the cover art huh?
3743800
That makes two of us.
3744013
Both Honesty and Loyalty are going to be interesting to write. But they are not going to be only ones who might be difficult to work with.
3744017
Ah punctuation. My arch nemesis. I am working on that.
3744169
The tree will be playing a role in future parts of the story. How much of one I can't say at the moment.
3744265
You are not the only one.
Yeah, It's really interesting but there were some things which I really didn't like.
Mrs. Pinkie? I doubt Princess Celestia would have said that. The same goes with "Celestia" without "Princess" from Rarity or Twilight when Princess Celestia is near. Moreover... Pinkie sounds... a little forced and Twilight doesn't seem all like Twilight
Sorry for badmouthing your story, it's really interesting, but I think you could do better. Hope you won't take badly this criticism.
fascinating, I want to see where you take this.
I love this! It's such an interesting idea, I can't wait to see the Element of Loyalty...
3744470
It's not a problem. As for how Celestia would address the mane six, I would think she would be a little formal. We have not really seen her talk to them too much in the show. As for Rartiy not addressing Celestia as Princess, yeah I probably should fix that. I am curious as to what you mean by Pinkie being forced and Twilight not being Twilight. Pinkie I can kinda understand because of all the mane six she is the hardest to write for me. Twilight on the other hand I thought I got quite well.
3744495
I hope you enjoy the ride.
3744684
I have some plans, but its going to be an experience for me too.
3744714
The rest of the Elements will be showing up soon. You will have to be patient.
3744758
Yeah, Pinkie is very hard to write.
I think Twilight would be very lonely without her friends, even when having company of Princesses and being involved in big experiment. I cannot imagine that she would spent whole month away
And she would be more excited about experiments, talking about magic, those things.
I maybe have my stupid thoughts about this but I just would like you to know that something maybe not only for me is off.
But... I love your story idea so, keep it up and make it even better!
3745082
Good points on Twilight. Though in my head, and my understanding of her character, she spent several years primarily in the company of the Princess. Since she knows that the month long excursion is only temporary I don't think she would be that bad off. Also she still has her family in Canterlot that she can visit, including her brother considering this takes place before Season 3, so I doubt she would be that lonely. Especially if she had something big to work on to distract herself.
Then again different people will always see the same person a little differently. Glad you still like the story all the same.