• Member Since 1st Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen March 15th


Artist and Writer from Florida. I draw art commissions, role play online, play video games, and watch Pony cartoons.



This story is a sequel to Outlaw Mares 1: A Hoof Full of Trixie

Trixie Lulamoon struggles with her quiet life as a stage magician and budding novelist. Then, one evening she receives an anonymous letter that tips her off to a relic that needs her attention. Curious to see where this leads, Trixie embarks on a journey back west where she finds that not only are some stories real, but so are some fictional heroes.

Trixie finds herself caught up in a conspiracy and the target of the undeniable unstoppable world-class adventurer, Daring Do!

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 95 )

'Success is jumping at opportunity as one does to conclusions.'

That explains the bruises.
Nit-pick: I think you meant "hearsay" instead of "heresy". I don't think Trixie has done anything to the Princesses.
Nice start. You had me going about as much as the audience. Damn you, Digo.

you really need to write more! such descriptive and well written work of art

Spooky! I love that :pinkiehappy: The shriveled body inside the armor, that was pretty disturbing and dark.

And Trixie as a gypsy? I like that! It makes total sense and really fits her character, I think. Strangely, I don't think I ever thought of that.

Looking forward to the rest of this story. Here are a few issues and suggestions, as usual:

The armor lurched forward at the scrawny unicorn. The [Its?] clawed gauntlets rose up on their own accord with the squealed [squealing? or screeching] sound of aged rust. Peppermint let out a silent gasp and backed away from the armor. She instinctively put the lit candle between herself and the approaching armor.

A bit repetitious with the 'armor' here. I think you could easily leave out the part I struck out without losing any meaning.

Also added a few suggestions in brackets.

The unicorn leaped down the staircase, but her balanced [balance] faltered.

Or perhaps "but her hoof slipped on the last step".

“’Slam!’ went the mansion doors!”

This would make a great first sentence for a story :raritystarry:

The azure unicorn slowly closed her book as she looked at her captivated audience.

Given how this section begins, I think it makes more sense that she slams the book shut along with the "'Slam!'" Rather than closing it slowly afterwards. Just an idea.

Several ponies dropped some coins into a till as gratuity for the entertainment [comma] and Trixie made sure to thank each of them for their generosity.

A run-on sentence. You've got two sentences which could stand on their own, joined by 'and'. They need a comma.

“Fore get her,” the stallion said,

Should probably be "Forget", unless it's an intentionally odd voice he's using.

Trixie she sat back and peacefully watched the stars.

Thanks everyone for the great feedback! I appreciate the bits of info to help make the story better. :pinkiehappy:

Rule 4: Never underestimate "a mere show-mare", or her luck.
It's dangerous. We just haven't figured out to whom. :trixieshiftright:

Well this got real interesting. Dammit Daring, this is why Trixie can't have nice things.

Real heroes always start off on the wrong hoof with other heroes, don't they? :twilightblush:

Excellent chapter.

"You don't need to use 'sir' on me, miss. Call me Spike,"

It might be a good idea to avoid using the name of major character in the show for an OC. Not a huge deal, but it breaks the flow of reading a little and makes you think of a certain purple and green dragon instead :moustache:

He somehow he felt at ease looking into them.

Cheryl swept her pink made [mane] away from her eyes.

The azure unicorn pulled out a [the?] body she had found only moments ago. Cheryl walked around and helped her friend place the body on a soft stack of hay.

The unconscious body was of one of the train attendants.

Comes a little out of nowhere, possibly because you use "a body" instead of "the body", thus not making the reader think back to the hoof stuck between crates that she saw.

I didn't even realize that she had seen a body, I thought that hoof belonged to the pony who assailed her in the next paragraph, but now that I go back and read that again I was probably just inattentive :twilightblush:

The large orange-colored earth pony continued to watch the hatch intently.

A description is probably not the best introduction, because it immediately makes you think "Hmm ... an orange-colored earth pony? Is that a pony I should recognize? Who does that description fit?"

It's probably better to start with something like: "A large earth pony sat on the roof, watching the hatch intently." Notice the "a" versus "the" again. That little "a" tells us immediately that we're not supposed to know him, and then you can give a description.

The shore-mare slid farther to the edge of the roof.

Should be show-mare, I think


Thanks for picking out the grammar bugs! :yay:
I'm happy that there are very few spelling mistakes. Then again, spell checkers don't usually pick up "shore-mare" so I guess the trade off is something akin to Auto-correct issues. Except in my case i'm the one typing in a correctly spelled word, but it is the wrong word.

Heh, yeah, spell checkers aren't quite perfect, and I'm happy to help. I've become fairly good at spotting these things, so I might as well note them down when I find them :twilightsmile:

I'm confused. Did you edit the prologue? Cause I don't remember Chryl showing up in it at all. Or Trixie mentioning anything about the Lunar Wand. :applejackconfused:


Chapter 1 takes place months after the prelude. I can edit the chapter so it is easier to follow that little detail. It is the first mentioning of the wand and Cheryl.

It took a second, but I had the awful feeling Artemis Frescoe was a thinly-disguised and seriously inept Artemis Foul. :facehoof:
Then it went away. You wouldn't do that. Right? :rainbowhuh:

Ah, so not quite a hero, that Daring. And if I were to speculate, a changeling too. Several great and funny moments in this one that had me laughing, like the pinecone dare :rainbowlaugh:

Minor issues below, mostly commas this time around. Your writing is getting really good.

It’s going to be a real shiny one with colorful sails [comma] and Lulu is counting on my mechanical skills to make it happen.

“So you are following Debon,” she said accusingly, [full stop] “Just indirectly, aren’t you?”

The remaining two ponies were unfamiliar, but Trixie believed that the older male unicorn was an acquaintance of Debon that Trixie saw somewhere before

Reads a little odd. Maybe something like "but Trixie thought she had seen the older male unicorn somewhere before and believed him to be an acquaintance of Debon."

“They demand that I cease digging and have resorted to scaring off the workers,” Artemis said, [full stop] “Only the most mental ones have remained [comma] and I’m surprised Mosaic and I could get any labor out of those workers!

It was Daring Do [comma] and the pegasus had just walked through a side exit.

“That advice sounds so good, I’m going to take it. Excuse me.”

Nothing wrong here, really, but I tend to italicize things like this for emphasis. So maybe italicize "so good" or just "so". Depending on how you write and upload your stories, putting in the tags might be a bit of a bother, however (it is for me).

If you do this, another natural place would be the "are" in "So you are following Debon" above

Unfortunately [comma] she was now looking at a light brown pony that [who?] wasn’t Daring Do.

Several ponies shrieked with fright [comma] and the crowds parted away from the immediate area.

Trixie flicked her cape back [comma] and with her levitation magic [comma] she drew her slingshot from the saddle-belt she wore.

A little unsure in the one above

A trap set up by a slick pony who’s [whose] name started with a ‘D’

Several spectators jeered at the azure unicorn for hitting like a girl.

Not really wrong, but 'like a filly' might be a more ponypropriate word :trixieshiftright:

Her slingshot floated back out of her cape [comma] and this time she magically levitated several small stones created from the hammer’s previous impacts.

Another series of clangs echoed from above [comma] and Trixie jumped away from the piston before the second tumbling gear collided with her head.

What? No! :pinkiecrazy: You have done no such thing to derive praise from! :pinkiehappy:

Seriously, though, that was an awesome start to another story! Trixie's little horror story almost had me as creeped out as playing any of the Silent Hill games has done for me! :trixieshiftright:

Keep up the excellent work! :yay:

One nitpick, however:

despite the naysayers

Shouldn't that be neigh-sayers? :twilightsmile:

... wait, Daring Do? As in the Daring Do, the only pegasus that Rainbow Dash actually reads about and gets all fan-girl over? :rainbowlaugh:

I also found a spelling error toward the beginning of this chapter, but upon going back to find it again, I can't. I just know I saw an instance of "conducted", when you clearly meant "conductor". Well, if you get around to it, and can spot in again while I can't, just make sure to correct that error. :yay:

Adcoon: I imagined the pinecone incident to be a drunk dare that just went wrong and has been exaggerated ever since. :twilightblush:

YukeNavyPilot: I envision that the fact Daring isn't making this a personal thing is what frustrates Trixie even more.

Verdigris: I'd never taint the good Artemis with my inept one. :derpyderp1:

So, I read the firs two parts of your second story in almost record time... and then had to wait until 1:35AM to finally finish this last part (thus far). I should really tell my friends that, sometimes, it's okay to slow down on the links. It's not like the page is going anywhere anytime so###
Right. :pinkiecrazy:

So, that bullpatty aside, this has been yet another awesome reason. I won't bother correcting your spelling or grammar, as adcoon seems to be doing a fine enough job with that now. Consider me finally off of your case except when it comes to personal e-mails! :yay:

Wait... adcoon had an OC in this chapter? Who was it? :derpyderp1::derpyderp2:
Still, awesome work! :yay:

2604832 Yeah, but remember this is Trixie, who finds trouble like nopony else.:trixieshiftright:

Ah, the changeling you mentioned two weeks ago. This should be interesting. In a Chinese way. :facehoof:



Also, you can still offer me any proofreading advice if you spot something. Adcoon is a great writer and I'm greatful that he helps me out so much, but don't feel intimidated if you find a grammar mistake I missed. :twilightsmile:

Ah, RainBlazer! Well, kudos, then! twentypercentcooler.net/post/show/25548/animated-bedroom_eyes-black_hair-bow_tie-clapping-

As for you, guess you might as well brace yourself, because assuming the site remembers to e-mail me updates to stories I'm following (which it still has failed to do), I'll make sure not to hold back in the future. :twilightsmile:

Yay! Rainblazer! :yay: Now I feel so terrible that I may never get around to actually writing that story about her that I planned. I get so many ideas, I just can't keep up. I may give her a little role in Uniformity, though. Speaking of which, a certain blue mare might just sneak in a dramatic cameo in chapter 2 :trixieshiftright:

Anyway, was great to see Rain. I was momentarily confused when you used 'lavender' to describe her mane, but looking it up you're actually correct. Apparently lavender as a color can mean either a light purple or a more grayish one. I only ever thought of lavender as bright purple.

I loved Spade and Spearmint, the two guards. You have a thing with the royal guards, don't you? Those two had me laughing

And to other commenters, definitely don't let me hold you back from looking for or pointing out errors. I'm sure I don't catch everything, because I know people find plenty of errors in my stories too, no matter how hard I try to get rid of them all :twilightblush:

The guards said [it] was enchanted to prevent unicorn prisoners from using their magic

Well, if the crowd wanted a show, then [who] was she to say no?

“Trixie is fine,” she replied.

I loved that part. Very clever :raritywink:

and if even if the copy caused more trouble, Trixie now had an alibi for the next three days.

especially against well trailed [traiNed] soldiers who have [had?] done no obvious wrong.

and Roc had packed a snake bit[e] kit just in case they ran afoul of rattlers.

So, is Mosaic is one of your Horizon Walkers?

The lid was the priority here [comma] and Golden did not wish to waste time.

Also, it's a little unusual perhaps to get such a direct look into Golden's motivations and thoughts from the narrator, which normally seems limited to Trixie's perspective. Might want to be cautious of what the narrator can know about the characters. You could turn it into an assessment by Trixie, as in "Golden didn't seem to wish wasting any time," or something, but in most cases it's better to show that sort of thing through the way she acts rather than state it directly.


I don't know what it is, but I always seem to put extra effort in giving my guards personalities. One of these days maybe I should give them their own fic or something? :rainbowderp:

“See, this is why I hate curses,” Trixie said. “They always create an unintended side effect such as undeath, madness, or immunity to an easy fix.”

What happened to your spirit of adventure, Trixie? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
"I left that in Ponyville. The problem is, it keeps following me." dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png

Chapter 4 (I'm a little behind, it seems :twilightblush:): Aww, Trixie's background is kinda sad in light of her later trouble. Good job on that one. I really like Zeeps, and the dynamic between her and Trixie. It was a lot of fun to read.

I think I'll save the chapter you just posted for tomorrow

Jessenia chucked [chuckLed] and removed the green apple hidden under her violet peasant blouse.

Zeeps stepped out of the barn to see what had stunned Trixie and she saw the same hulking clay-like stallion that slowly made his way toward them.

I think the part after the 'and' is redundant. Unless what she sees is somehow different from what Trixie just saw, there's not much need to repeat it.

The king then, with his final breath, cursed the traitorous fairy ponies

I would probably move the 'then' to before 'cursed'

"The king, with his final breath, then cursed the traitorous fairy ponies"

Trixie wasn’t bothered by the time taken, but [...]

Trixie was now bothered with the time taken by the chief.

This could sound a bit like a contradiction. I assume you meant to stress the 'now' so that she wasn't worried a moment ago, but thinking about it now made her worried after all.

Perhaps cut out the first 'she wasn't bothered'? Just have her think about it, then say that it bothered her.

“How would the bison draw a map to the bell for Gung to follow?”

I'm not sure if that should be 'WHY would they'. I mean, WHY would they do that? And then, even if they did want to do it for some odd reason, HOW would they even be able to do it? Not sure which you intended, but you could just use both ("how and why would they") and be safe :twilightsmile:

The bison did not understand the statement from [the] two mares.

He marched out of the tent [comma] and behind him the other bison closely followed.


I find that Zeeps is a fun character to write. Having a changeling allows me to make quirky and out-of-the-box comments. Sometimes for laughs, but other times it can lead to ideas no one in the box thought of. :moustache:

I'm glad you liked the little Trixie flashback. I took extra time to get the emotions right on it. I may do another one later to give another piece of Trixie's past in prep for a bigger reveal in the third story.

“Trixie?” Ellie asked in surprise.
“No, I’m Princess Luna’s secret love child.”

Oh, Celestia, I had to pick myself up off the floor after that one. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

I'm caught up! :yay:

And ... action! Your characters make me jealous. I need to start giving my minor characters more personality :twilightsheepish:

She held on despite the exertion the illusion placed upon her [comma] and Trixie found strength in her determination to set things right before Debon or Gung could achieve their goals.

“Alright, head for [the] big warehouses there,” Trixie pointed out wearily.

The two mares stopped at the last room of the dimly lit hall [comma] and Trixie knocked firmly on the door.

She saw nothing unusual on the azure unicorn [comma, I think] so Cheryl turned her attention to the stranger that stood in the doorway.

Cheryl sat back and gave up with arguing, but Ellie spoke up with her curiosity.

Or perhaps "but Ellie's curiosity made her speak up."

They brought that map here [comma] and Gung is about to show up and fight them for it.”

“I bet their [they're] spies!”

The lethal spell struck the pegasus in the chest.

The use of 'lethal' here makes me think the poor guard is going to be dead and gone after being struck, but later it's suggested he's only unconscious.


Glad you found that one funny. It was very "tongue-in-cheek" for me.


Thanks for picking out the missing commas. I owe a great deal of my improvement to your efforts of teaching me where grammar goes. The "lethal" spell part confused me as well. I thought I stopped using that adjective since I've defined the spell to incapacitate ponies. Oops. :unsuresweetie:

I struggle mightily with commas too, though I think I'm getting better. I'm certainly not perfect, but I've become fairly good at spotting run-on sentences and comma splices at least :twilightsheepish:

Not to love? Debon's still up and around. Do we get to see Debon go air-swimming soon? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png


You have an excellent eye for detail. :pinkiehappy:


Well, we'll see Debon again. I can't give details however. :trixieshiftright:

Go Luna! :yay: Too bad this is Trixie's story, or I'd love to see her kick some tail :rainbowdetermined2: Another great chapter, though

but the principal [principle] still stood.

the unicorn in the dirty purple cape that past [passed] them.

Behind the princess to either side were two royal body guards [one word].

so she assumed that the portly stallion took the entire batch. Sadly, this didn’t surprise Trixie.

The portly stallion turned

A little repetitive with "the portly stallion" twice.

Zeeps replied with an intimidated expression.

Did you mean intimidatING? She seemed less intimidated and more angry a moment before, when she was about to hit him in the face

but Debon didn’t believe that the unicorn was here for a fight.

Probably better to not directly state what Debon believes. Either have Trixie infer it (but Debon didn't seem to believe ...) or find some way to let the reader infer it from his actions (but Debon held out a hoof to stop the guards)

The object of their fear then burst through the mansion’s front door. A towering clay form slowly lumbered its way into the house and towards the ball room.

I don't like that "then" in there, it makes it sound a little less immediate and sudden. I'd probably rephrase the whole thing a bit, maybe: "Without warning, the mansion's front door burst open, and a towering clay form lumbered its way into the house. It moved steadily towards the ball room." Or something like that.

Gung was decisive [determined?] to retaliate against the ponies that had injured him,

The clay stallion pushed his way into into the larder,

“Mother of the earth, please give me bravery,” he thought to himself.

Another direct look into the mind and thoughts of someone other than Trixie. Maybe instead he should whisper it under his breath?


Thank you kindly for the feedback. On that last part about Daybreaker's thought, I actually got inspired to completely revamp it into a few lines of Zeeps being mischievous. :ajsmug:

And now the fun begins.

Trixie: "Why does everything have to be underground?"
Zeeps: "Why does everypony have to be a grouch?"
Golden: "Why doesn't that mare just give up?"
Debon: "Why don't you just shut up?"

Reader: "Why don't you just give up? Trixie is made of awesome."

Heh. Glad I could help :twilightsmile:

Quit scarring him!

adcoon's a little behind, but I'm massively behind. Wish I could convince FIMFiction to let me know when there's another post under my favorites, instead of just making me check every second for another new post manually. :applejackconfused:

I have to agree with adcoon, however; the little dynamic between Trixie and Zeeps is a lot of fun, and I can't wait to see more of it! :yay:

Half-way to being caught up now! :derpytongue2:

Now I just need to read the other two chapters and I'll be fully caught up! :yay:

And another one down! One last chapter, and I'll be caught up! :yay:

Seriously, though, this is awesome storytelling!

And finally caught up.

The memory of Trixie at Jessenia's funeral kinda mirrors my own... except I managed to convince SSG Dewey to crash my father's funeral rather than just drive me home like he was told to do. Sure, my immediate relatives were somewhat upset at this happening, but they quickly realized that I was still well within my senses as the funeral proceeded. I even managed to get one last look at my father... but this time, in a wooden coffin, rather than being sick and needed the assistance of a nurse to feed himself from a tray of hospital food from the night prior.

I did end up having a surprise sleepover that night, though.

In any case, a wonderful chapter! And now I'm all caught up. Too bad I can't convince FIMFiction to continue sending me reminders in e-mail that my favorites are being updated further. :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:


XD oh I laughed so hard

It's no fun being sick, let me tell you :pinkiesick: Great chapter, though.

I don't remember having a funeral experience like that as a kid, but it sure must be distressing for someone so young :fluttershysad:

Rico played a very somber melody to the crowd that gathered here [comma] and Trixie didn’t understand why.

Rico closed his eyes and continued to play as the crowed [crowd] grew agitated

She nidged [nudged] Trixie on the shoulder.

Trixie fired off a burst of fireworks into the mare[']s face

“The food is defending herself [itself?] somehow!” Zeeps cried.

I'm thinking this might be Zeeps joking a bit, rather than actually being surprised? If not, it's a possibly little odd how she had no trouble fighting Trixie (in the guise of Daring Do) back in the city

She ripped the top half off the stallion’s flaming clothes off and quickly tossed them to the floor.

Underneath them was a staircase heading down in[to] a moist tunnel.

She collided on [with] Roc with a sickening crunch against the stallion’s chest.

it kinda reminds me of my step grandma's funeral. I didn't see her as a step since she was around since my mum was little. Anyways, i was 3 when she passed away and my aunt told me that when we were leaving i kept yelling at my parents that we forgot grandma back at the cemetery and we had to go back to get her....such sadness


My spellchecker thinks 'nidged' is a word. :twilightoops:
Well that's different. **Adds correction to dictionary**

Even Trixie doesn't know exactly how it works!

Never heard of a Bender that did. And thus did the Universe troll mightily, and the hilarity began.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png
Ah, politics. Almost as much fun as stage performance - oh, wait, same thing. :pinkiehappy:

What's not to love?

Luna not vowing vengeance on that sucker punching piece of dragon dung.

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