• Member Since 1st Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 19th, 2020

Goldenheart


E

Spike has taken the hobby of reading Daring's exaggerated readings of her many adventures. One day when Daring has to go and uncover a lost jewel; He, Twilight, and Trixie tag along on one of her adventures. Where as Spike should never judge a book by its cover.
Set in the Manehattan Universe.
Takes place one month after Brag you down.
Cover Art by: punzil504

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 34 )

@vazak

I got rid of the centering. Plus this is my first fanfic so I'm in line to run into these kind of problems. I appreciate your honest opinion, I'm trying to find my writing style so it fits me well. Again, thanks for your opinion, and stay tuned for more!

Comment posted by TheDerpyOutcast deleted Apr 2nd, 2013

2350288
I'm happy to offer my opinion and I hope I can be of some use. oh also if you hit the box bar at the top right if someone's post it alerts them to you responding to their comment. Anyway an issue I have reading this would be the presentation of event, it sort of leans towards "tell" as opposed to "show" which can make for an alienating reading experience. As for positives, everyone felt quite in character, the dialogue was for the most part very strong and Trixie was great, I found the back story behind the Saddle Arabians interesting as well, I wonder what might be revealed on the mission.

>>vazak
Thx, try to spread the group to others since I want to try and help this series get noticed.

Argh! Cliffhanger!:flutterrage:
Now you got me on edge. Are we gonna have epic fighting next chapter? I guess we'll find out! Good work on this chapter.

Wow, you update fast.:rainbowderp:

Nice :twistnerd: on explaining about Ahuizotl being a businessman of sorts.

So, will the other find out about Sandy going after the Soluna Stone and go after her? The suspense is, well...suspenseful!:derpytongue2:

2457631

Stay tuned to my story. We finally enter the ruins after this long wait, and thanks for the comment:ajsmug:

P.S. I had the time to update because of nothing to do today.

Hmm...you could have stretched this out over two chapters and filled it in with a more developing flashback. Split right when Daring gives Sandy a piece of her mind and have a chapter solely for the confession. But it's good overall. It's nice you covered one conflict resolution so you could lead into another, but it seems just a tad rushed. That's my only concern.

2464589

Thx for the feedback. I hope this helps me with writing in the future. I edited the flashback to flesh it out more, but as much to an entire chapter since I don't think I can stretch that much far. Again, thx, I'll look into it more.

P.S.: Maybe you can help me produce a side story to that then?

We await for more, knowing that a great adventure lies ahead.

So...who are those guys at the end? Ah, you'll reveal it to us at the end.

I'll be looking forward to the finale.:pinkiesmile:

I just finished my first fic today and now I'm on the sequel:derpytongue2:

Nice ending. Good moral. Nice story. Good work, man.

I should also point out that you are the first author aside from Jackie Papercut to finish their story, so congrats for that. I'll be waiting for your new stories.

2465518

If you want me to proofread or think tank with you, I'm fine. Editing may be a bit much as I have my own writings to attend to.

2510345 Sure thing. I could have someone proofread for me so it sounds right.

I'd replace man with pony, for universal sake. Also, the dialogue between the ponies was a little confusing to discern who was talking at the beginning of the chapter.

2512996 I still use pony for universal purposes, but you're right about the placement of characters speech patterns. I'm trying to find my writing style so it fits me and everyone else.

Trixie was Pinkie Pie? Or was Daring saying she was the Element of Laughter? :pinkiegasp:

2980137
In the Manehattanverse, or our group, Trixie is the element of Laughter. Look up the other stories, they're good.

Comment posted by observer of dimensions deleted Dec 22nd, 2013
Comment posted by Autumn Maize deleted Jan 12th, 2014

You keep switching between present tense and past tense. Why? Otherwise, this a good start.

Mishap in Ponyville huh? Interesting. I wonder if Sandy Shores is related to Sapphire Shores? Perhaps a secret ID so she can go out in public without being swamped by fans? Trixie may be rather boastful and make herself seem more than she is but, that's the job of a showmare.

I'm calling it now, Ahuzoltl isn't a foe of the real Daring Do, but a friend, or at least, they're worked together.

This should be good, let's hope Sandy can avoid doing something even stupider.

Should be interesting to see who the griffin and unicorn are and to see them get their flanks kicked!

2350288
You might consider getting an editor. It's really odd to read this mostly written in present tense. There's a lot of places where you...well, tell instead of show. A little elaboration on exactly what's happening would only add to this. I know I'm very late to the party, though. This was written quite a few years ago! I've just recently started reading and enjoying the Manehattanverse, and I found this while reading my way through the stories.

8307149
Yeah, I haven't had the time to go back and edit my old stories. But I'm glad you have been enjoying the stories from the group. Considering this was also my first story on this site, I've improved my writing significantly over the years.

8307215
I hope you get a chance to go back and edit someday :twilightsmile: I'm thrilled to hear you've improved!

"Finally! Hope to have a fan and some water with a comfy sofa to lay on.", Trixie moans.

Why do I get the feeling that by "fan", she's not talking about the type that blows air to cool off with?

Something I've noticed about some of the Manehattenverse stories that they tend to take a few canon episodes and mesh them together. The premier is a no brainer. Apples to Oranges meshes together Apple Family Reunion with Call of the Cutie. Brag You Down combines Boast Busters with Mysterious Mare-Do-Well. And I'm pretty sure I was able to point out a few others episodes that also had minor representation...

So, we start off we an element of Boast Busters leading into Mysterious Mare-Do-Well with a hint of No Second Prances at the end, then we go into Boast Busters proper with a hint of Bridal Gossip, and now into King Kong. So that's four different episodes, plus a crossover and two different fanfic references. And the only reason I'm not adding Indiana Jones is because that would just be redundant with the Manehattenverse. And isn't that screen a reference to Bats? So yeah, five different episodes.

What You Are in the Dark doesn't seem to take inspiration at first. But I actually see a hint of Bats.

And now this story, I see a hint of Read it and Weep in the character of Sandy Shores, an aspect from Daring Don't with the aspect of never meeting your heroes (Spike's expectations are being shattered), and also a hint of Daring Done, with Daring Do considering calling it quits. And there seems to be a hint of Parental Glidance as well.

I'm also tempted to add a hint of Daring Doubt with Ahuizotl's characterization as not a villain, but that would be a stretch.


Sandy gasps at the sight of Spike.

"Sorry Spike, I put some 'sleepy time' dust on the gemstone. You won't wake up till morning.", apologizes Sandy.

So, Sandy was surprised by Spike's appearance, but was prepared for it? That seems a bit fishy to me. Not that I expect her to have any malicious intent or anything. But the idea that she was surprised just doesn't fit the narrative that she had prepared to put Spike to sleep.

And now this story, I see a hint of Read it and Weep in the character of Sandy Shores, an aspect from Daring Don't with the aspect of never meeting your heroes (Spike's expectations are being shattered), and also a hint of Daring Done, with Daring Do considering calling it quits. And there seems to be a hint of Parental Glidance as well.

Definitely elements from Daring Done with that final trial. Some elements from The Cutie Pox to add to the list. And The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone.

This story takes into account 5 episodes (I'm choosing not to include Read It and Weep).

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