Review for "Detritus" · 8:26pm Mar 13th, 2017
Renowned story reviewer Present Perfect 
Naturally, it was severe. 
Read at your will. The highlights, to me, are that I was probably working with too much for so small a piece, as evidenced by the line:
[There's] all sorts of statements that are meant to be profound or menacing or something that wholly refuse to come off as such.
A problem likely remedied if the story were a bit better fleshed out. You can write one-liners, but you can't write a coherent story out of them. 
I'll take that as a comment on my gravest sin in all of this.
The whole pan is, I feel, educated and legitimate. However, the comment Present made on the story just today, qualifies (definition 3) the whole trial to me.
What I wanted was something a little less needlessly grimdark. The other stories give us scenarios where the living Twilight in the teleportation sphere is rescued, or a rescue is at least attempted. Luna having crafted this pocket dimension, and still being out for revenge on her sister comes completely out of left field and requires a lot of suspension of disbelief on the part of the reader. It's the kind of thing that might have flown back in season 1, but after this long? I can't accept it. Kudos for taking the story in a different direction, but the direction you chose is so far removed from the initial idea it just doesn't make any sense in context.
I put in italics what I had warranted (link). I believed it because, naturally, this is the type of thing I'm constantly reading about. Heck, this very story has premises I pulled from Severing. To be honest, it should be pretty tough for someone who doesn't believe in the possibility a deceptive, smug, malicious Luna to like this story.
Hence the reception. Well, for those of you who are still with me, I'm still throwing back and forth the idea of doing a reading of this when I'm done. I have Detritus linked to the blog so I can ask those who might be interested in getting this story straight from the horse's mouth, as it were.
Would you like me to audio read Detritus? Would it be worth uploading at this point?
I'm truly ambivalent at this point. Naturally, there'll be some on my channel who will humor my idea, and I'll need a short fic to get back to once I'm done with Reconnection, anyway, and I won't have to secure permission to do this.
Works on FimFiction I've Proofread/Edited for (From most recent to first)
What about Mummy by
Laughter in the Night by
Applejack's Stetson Hat (ongoing) by
Tales of Fillydelphia (ongoing) by
The Shipping Boat by
The Smiling Stallion (ongoing) by
Hidden Wonderful World of Pinkie Episodes by
Works I've Audio Read (From most recent to first)
Video Link Blinking by
NSFW Verbose Parody - Check my channel for the video. Big Pinkie Pie Warms You Up by 
Video Link My Final Confession: Vengeance by 
NSFW - Check my channel for the video. My Final Confession by
Video Link The Unfortunate Aftermath of Nurse Redheart by
Video Link Blink by
Video Link Wrong Place, Wrong Time by
Video Link The Unfortunate Stabbing of Nurse Redheart by 
Video Link Black Lotus by 
Video Link Duty by
Video Link Sandstorm(s) (Unedited version) by
Video Link Elegy of Equestria by
Video Link Shadow of Luna by
Video Link The Scraping by
Video Link Mirrors in Shadows by
Video Link Umbra by
Video Link Breaker by
Video Link I Have No Voice, and I Must Cry by
Video Link Of the Monsters in Nightmares by
Video Link Changes by
Video Link The Changing of the Guard by
Video Link A Reasonable Solution by
Video Link Painless by 
Video Link Reflection by 
Video Link An Issue in Friendship by Captain Burrito
Video Link Time by 
Video Link Eternity by 
Video Link Crusader's End by
Video Link The Serene Forgetting by
Video Link The Weak by
Video Link De Grave of Blueblood by
Video Link Ruin Value by
Video Link Mare of the House by
Video Link I Don't Know If I'm Real... by 
Video Link Drifting by
Video Link Dreams Fade by
Playlist Link Friends Forever and Fading Twilight by
Video Link A Life Rebuilt by
Video Link Drop. by
Video Link Let It Snow by
Video Link Those Who Are Oppressed (Story withdrawn for editing) by
Video Link Lives' End by
Bah! Who needs literary mastery when you have necromorphs and malicious Luna?
4454901
I would have roared with laughter at that if my roommate weren't trying to sleep right now.
Really cranked the GrimDark up to twelve, didn't we? sollace.github.io/emoticons/fimfic/plotpie2-d7251q5.png
If you want to revamp detritus, I can give you the kind of role I should have given from the start.
I'm not against detritus being audio recorded, but I have the suspicion you wont be entirely satisfied doing it after the story's reception.
My prequel was going to play off your idea, but I was going to flesh it out more like he said, so as to keep it not from being left field.
I feel bad for not giving this a proper prereading initially. I was just so busy with work and my own pieces.
One other thing to note was that from the way he did his reviews, he expected yours to pan out better than lumberjack's sequel.
Would you like me to write my prequel and you edit it? I'll give him something to be impressed about from us three.
(Not trying to say that anyone of us wrote bad...Just mixed feelings by the reviews because unlike him I was impressed by lumberjack's sequel)
4454923
Hey, I don't blame any of my editors for any of this. It's posted under my name, and I'm ultimately the one who decided not to hit "revoke submission" in wake of the feedback. I accept what flaws I had in this for I put them in there and let them sit and ultimately I'm culpable for what's read.
If you think I'm ever completely satisfied with any of my readings, I'd say you're sadly mistaken.
I question the value of even my best work. Besides, this recording would actually bring closure to a few of my viewers, many of whom do not have accounts on here, who've not read the other installments.
I'd honestly check out all the other installments to consider them for audio readings, but right now, with all this business with Detritus ruffling my feathers somewhat, I'd prefer to look at them with a cheerier, more objective eye. I'd like to read them with more detachment than I could muster right now.
Hey, I was in a rush to post this. I'm not so sure that would've spared me this reception, but if you do write something to that effect, I'd be immensely humbled.
Again, I don't blame you, and I don't think you're culpable for any of this mess. As you said, you had your other projects, and likely they're probably going to do more for you than what this did. Nothing really changes the fact that what I wrote was what it was, and a lot of people still would have disliked my piece.
4454934
Well, to me, Blinking was very safe in premise. It goes from ending on "Oh no. I'm really thinking about eating my own bodies." to "Yay! One finally made it out."
I said, "Oh yeah? You're gonna wish you didn't." That's ultimately what I shot for, and apparently it came across as a cheap try.
I'd certainly consider it! I'm surprised you'd actually want me on your team, though, the way I apparently can't see the holes in things when I think an idea is good.
4454960
Horror is still a new genre to me. But as we've established before I've had a lot of general background knowledge. With your background knowledge on horror, your technical prowess, and my ability to string together innovative ideas and fleshing them out so as to appear natural, we should produce a wonderful piece.
My idea of a prequel will go against some of your ideas in yours, but it should come off natural and give that lasting dreadful depiction that you wanted to go for.
For Pete's sake, nobody's going to look at that review and give my fic a fair shot.
Somebody even downvoted Zeta Cherrypaste in this thing's wake.
What a sorry lot of soaks.
4454975
If this turns out to be what I think it's going to be, I'll just have to audio read all this. 
I appreciate this.
Us three? You mean the dobermans is also on board?
4454977
Bet they didn't even read it.
4454991
Must've hated Detritus enough to hate my literally 40,000-word-long story.
Does it matter at this point?
Guess they forgot to deal with their downvotes like I told 'em to in my earlier blog.
You know, I'd love to hear you render the disdain and malevolence with which Luna regards Celestia.
e.g. "Haste makes waste, Tia."
As for the story's literary merits, I'd posit that sometimes one is in the mood for the "greasy spoon" as it were. There's no such thing as a gourmet cheezburger. After a beer and a stressful day at work, I'd probably pick Detritus over the Blinkening or whatever, much as I'd choose Troll II over Inception under those conditions. Not to take anything away from anyone, of course.
4455085
I hope I can do justice to that line in particular. I've rehearsed it a couple times before, and I just don't think I can replicate the voice in my head. I can keep trying, though.
And that was the real point of this. I wasn't meaning for this to be a Dracula. The length hardly works to that end. I'm flattered, the dobermans, I really am.
4455004
I'd say it matters. I see people downvotes stories from authors based off what they've seen from other stories of that author, and its atrocious because at that point you're faulting the author and not the story. One must never fault the author regardless of circumstance, certainly not if they've tried.
The thing the reviewer established was that you made an honest attempt to deliver something unique and good. Even if it fell flat, your story did something the other sequels didn't. The fact that he is more disappointed in your sequel over the others is because he saw a stronger potential in your story than the others, and I second that notion. Your story did ultimately have more to offer.
And I think someone in his audience missed the interpretation entirely.
4455113
It does matter when you consider that that is a rampant issue; downvoting to simply spite the author. But it happens. It's happened to me before, and I've accepted the reality that it happens: it's happened to me and while I certainly don't condone it, there's nothing I can do about it, given that the vote was totally anonymous.
I wish it had been explained as more of the selection of my idea than the dearth of effort and thought. The statement about my writing being longer and only seeming to have more to offer at a glance tells me that wasn't all he thought of it. But what can I say?
I can't claim my hands were the most capable of running this gin. I've written the least out of the four of us that worked on it, by my judgment.
4455137
4455085
I can get to working on the prequel to Blink as soon as I finish up with my first chapter of Series of Chaotic Events. It'll be a one-shot and I'll give a couple of weeks or more to work to work on it.
Dobermans, if you're interested in helping out too then I can post the link to the story to you as well when I finish with the first draft.
Either way, this reviewer has ignited the burning passion in me.
4455160
Like a bolt out of the blue. Good luck, friend. I'll hop on it once you're ready for me to. Both of us have work to do in the interim.
4455160
Absolutely! Hit me up when it's ready.
4455194
4455203
Sweet. We'll knock 'em dead.
4455225
Huhuhuhu! I see what you did there.
(\
4455236
Yep! And I think I'll take it to a place that people hadn't yet, considering one of the ideas I had was only ever mentioned in passing among the ones I've read.
4455242
Can't wait for it!
4455669
Said it before I read the the last one the reviewer reviewed, which had the same premise that actually was going through my mind. Got another idea afterwards though, so no worries.
4455711
I feel that. Still, good luck. And if you decide not to do this, I won't be vexed.
4455729
Oho no. I couldn't call myself a good writer if I couldn't find a unique adaptation of preexisting material (and I intend to become good). But know this - I don't plan on making something is just a rehash of something already done. If I do not add to it and make something of my own, then I can't say that I've enjoyed it.
4455735
Right. I'm just saying: don't feel you have to do this for my sake. I have nearly reached full closure with this project.
4455794
Maybe. I'm just keen on the idea of working together with you guys on a project.
4455972
As I was and still am, although my keenness is somewhat dampened by all the work I have to do now that school's recommenced for me. It may be hard to make myself available. I had time last night, for example, but that was because I actually forgot about an assignment due Thursday this week.
4455993
We shall make ourselves scarce, and do it when we are available only. There is no rush to get this out there. The longer we sit on it, the better it will turn out due to not crowding our already tight ship.
4456005
Yeah!
4456005
4456007
The conglomerate may strike slowly, but it will hit the mark.
4456335
Lol, you make us sound like the borg! I always found the idea of being assimilated creepy.
4456554
Yes?
4457094
My story? So I'm told.
4457490
It was a little caustic for me to read, but I didn't think he really ripped me to shreds. Or are you referring to the review as a whole?
4457866
Well, what can I say? He apparently thought it was something everyone considering reading it should hear. And by the number of downvotes it got and all the comments from people who applauded the others, perhaps my ass needed a little tanning.
4457957
I failed to see the relevance of that video to my previous remark.