• Member Since 31st Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 29th, 2017

-Twilight


T
Source

In the year 2040 humans have exerted their scientific and intellectual abilities beyond what anyone would have believed centuries ago. Humans have discovered Magic, albeit An artificially powered magic. Humans now use "Wands" powered by a gem, found in the mining station on the face of the moon.
But they'res a catch.

A human planet wide rebellious group. the MPR (Magic Purification Republic) will stop at nothing to make sure this "Impurity to humanity" these "Witches" are Cleansed.

At the same time, On the other side of the Horsehead Nebula. two humans, one a witch and the other a MPR thug end up on a mysterious planet after a magical discharge

Will these humans surpass their difference and return to they're planet with knowledge to end the war. or will anger and prejudice end both them and the land they're in?

Hiatus because of this

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 12 )

here is some criticism, *gasp* your punctuation isn't very good and whats with the and you need to get a spell checker. that's all. Here's some complements, the story is turning out well, you have a conflict set up that's good, and you have Lyra actually having a hand *hoof* in it. :derpytongue2:

I like it but since their called witches do guys get the power to occasionally or just girls?

2471108

I personally don't care for the difference between
witches and wizards by gender.

so, witch applies for male and females of magic :twilightsheepish:

Up to read this later today, in class now, but I wanted to mention one thing. You have a dark Hatsune Miku as your cover, so unless it involves her, you miiight wanna change it up a little. Good luck though and looking forward to read it. :twilightsmile:

After-read:

Same stance as Dundredo with spelling and grammar. Plenty of things you can fix if you just look over it a bit more carefully and have a spell-check handy, whether it's in a program like Word or a browser with a spell-check already in it like in Google Docs or Chrome which I use (total bias XD).

Otherwise, I liked the plot, and depending on how much stuff you take from Little Witch, you probably want to include the Crossover tag somewhere. Same with the Miku thing, but by the looks of it she won't be involved. By the cover art, I mean it might be a little bit misleading for people that know of the Vocaloid fandom, just letting ya know.

Hoping to see improvement and remember to have fun with it.

2471467

The magic concept from little witch is ALL im gonna use, simply because its logical and sensible.
I suppose if I change the art i have to change the title as well.
but i suppose if its misleading I should change it
wasn't really thinking on that one :twilightblush:

Well, that was fast. Second chapter already and it looks pretty good plot-wise.

That ; thing is called a semi-colon. It's basically a sentence connector. Like if you were to put: "He ran as fast as Rainbow Dash. She wouldn't see him coming." You'd put a semi-colon instead of a period to compress two shorter sentences into one more impressive longer one. Don't get too carried away with it though. :yay:

It's good to keep your formatting consistent as well. Like if you italicize his thoughts once, they should be italicized throughout the story as well. Along with that, keep your paragraphs organized. Mainly, make sure the readers know if there's another character speaking. I'll try to show you what I mean.

{The pony cocks her head, confusion clearly visible on her face.
"What Is that? is that some sort of super alien ray gun" she sudden gasps with a hoof over her mouth.
"Are you here to suck our brains out through bendy straws?!?" she shouts. Now it was your turn to be confused.
"WHAT? bendy straws? brain sucking? what am I to you? an alien? Last time I checked your still a talking pony! you shouldn't be doing that!" you snap.}

First line is good. Second and third line should be combined a bit like this:
"What is that? Is that some sort of super alien ray gun?" she suddenly gasps with a hoof over her mouth. "Are you here to suck our brains out through bendy straws?!" she rose to a shout.

Then combine the last bit of that line onto the fourth line:
Now it was your turn to be confused. "What?! Bendy straws? Brain sucking? What am I to you, an alien?! Last time I checked, you're still a talking pony! You shouldn't be doing that!" you snap.

Another thing I just realized is that you have to make sure you stick with your format. Since the story is 2nd-person view style (with "you" being the main character), you'll have to put in a bit more effort into actually enabling the reader to imagine themselves in the story. Fixing up the grammatical errors should help greatly with that, but also put in a few more senses, like smelling, feeling, hearing, that type of thing.

I've probably missed a few things here and there but they'll most likely be covered upon with more critique from another commenter. I'll just add in one last thing. With a good couple of grammar lessons, a sharp eye, and a helpful reader that points out a small mistake here or there, you won't need an editor to take care of all those small errors. It's best to give your story a few extra looks in case you spot something that you would have missed otherwise. It'd be good to fix up your first chapter as well after you finish editing these. First impressions are important; I learned that the hard way.:derpytongue2:

Anyway, that's enough stuff to look over for now, so I hope I helped and I'll keep this story in my favorites so I can check up on it to see how you're doing. Enjoy your writing! :twilightsmile:

I normally avoid first/second person fics, but this one looks promising.

Finally found it, I just want to say. with the wand Its not much of a actually wand you would see in like harry potter or something like that, no . Its somewhat like the sonic screwdriver from doctor who.

Its metal and its hm..... Just look at this
waterhawkcreations.com/images/red%20coral%20crystal%20wand%20276.jpg

Its something like that

check out my Blog post

Dear Princess Celestia (and readers)

This story chapter was a handful to finish, why? I don't know! it just was over all of the others. and to add more to it.
I have a whole bunch of other stories that need to be updated too! !
Please give me management advice

Your faithful student -Twilight Sparkle (author) :twilightoops:

"Well when can i be used again?" Lyra says.

uh... you might want to do something about that

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