• Member Since 6th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 15th, 2014

Hoarse


Comments ( 38 )

...So I hear mars is nice this time of year

Foalcon? Yes, please.

O
O #4 · Apr 14th, 2013 · · ·

FoalCon aside, (I'm not a fan. But you did warn for it,) I'm downvoting because:

1) You keep switching tenses.
2) You wrote first person, but Scootaloo's internal vocabulary makes her narration way out of character.
3) Most importantly, learn some anatomy. The only things in sex with a female that involve the urethra are some very specific fetishes, and no one's tongue is going inside of it.

2426513 Yea. Some of the wording *is* off-putting and some things don't make sense, but I'll still give an upvote. Especially since so few try to write foalcon.

I would have loved to proof read this, but maybe next time. :twilightsmile:

Edit: Suggestion: Have characters' thoughts as italics, in their own paragraphs. It helps guide the reader.

2426513 O, I respect you opinion, especially since I know how well you yourself can write.

Let me explain some things.

The narrative was experimental. If you noticed, the POV in dialogue (and the description after) was in first person, while the description on the superficial, outside of dialogue lines was past-tense. This was meant to be uniform, but considering I don't have an editor, and I myself, experimenting, I'd imagine there were some errors.

I do have a grasp on the tenses, having written for 12 years, and I'd invite you to take a look at my first fic, which is uniform present tense, if you do not believe me.

The jarring independent clauses that reflected what scootaloo was experiencing, were experimental as well.

Secondly, and aside from the question as to why you would read a fic that you would normally not enjoy, I've taken note of the incorrect anatomy, and will be changing that.

I messed up there, yes.

I'd encourage you to stick around for future stories of mine, as I'm always open to receiving criticism.

Thank you for the read.

PS: 'The narrative was experimental. If you noticed, the POV in dialogue (and the description after) was in first person, while the description on the superficial, outside of dialogue lines was past-tense.'

I stand corrected. I had originally planned this, but then I changed my mind and decided to put as much as I could into present tense. This would be why I had inconsistancys. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Comment posted by Hoarse deleted Apr 15th, 2013
Comment posted by Hoarse deleted Apr 15th, 2013
O

2426800
I'm gonna guess some of those experiments didn't work that well. There are so many people out there who don't know present tense, and don't understand first person narration, that playing around with those can be a risky game, especially in something like clop stories that have a bad reputation for writing already.

As for why I was reading it, I recently joined "Bronies Against Foalcon/Underaged Porn Stories" to talk about reasons they should be allowed to exist on the site. To that end, and being a fan of aged-up ScootaDash, I decided to take a look at this one to see how good/bad it was. I wouldn't have commented or rated, but the anatomy fail was the kicker. Guys writing f/f clop need to do their research. :ajsmug:

I'll retract the thumbs down, but a lack of green thumb remains for the failed experiments and because I'd rather encourage age-play than foalcon. (Never mind, can't do that. Have a green thumb, but my comment stands.) But I will keep an eye out for other stuff you do.

Why am I submitting myself to this?
Hoarse, if this makes me emotionally upset, I will find you and cut off your penis.

>It’s my pee-hole. It’s swollen and it smells weird.
Got my circumciser. On the way.

2426945 you guessed right. But what kind of a writer would I be if I was not adventurous?

I think when you said this

playing around with those can be a risky game, especially in something like clop stories that have a bad reputation for writing already.

, you were absolutely right.

However, the comment before that... were you hinting to the fact that you think I did not grasp first person present tense? Did you read my other story and draw this conclusion, or am I just confused?

I'm actually very surprised you joined a group like that, as you write some pretty radical stuff. I've been fascinated by how you got me hooked onto Dirty Little Filly and the Riding Pony, even though the fetishes you covered in those I never really enjoyed. I've yet to find a writer like you, and I find it funny that you had originally visited this story on a crusade to burn all underage clop.

But this story has a happy ending, no? You removed the down-vote so thank you. I'll stop pestering you now.

2426333 Haha! that picture was what influenced me to write this little segment in the story

Sweet Celestia! She smelt so good!

I like that picture, funny you brought it to my attention.

2427242 I'm.... disturbed

2426312. Indeed good sir. Glad I could please ya.

2427384 ...Really?That picture inspired you? THAT EXACT PICTURE?

What the Holy Fuck are the Odds.

O

2427384

were you hinting to the fact that you think I did not grasp first person present tense?

I was just referring to the fact that when I first read this story I was like, "Oh boy, this guy is a mess." I had no background on you at the time, and I have read stories by other authors who totally don't understand first person, or present tense (I had an amusing email exchange with one once.)

I haven't read your other story, but judging by your comments I totally trust that you get it. But that isn't a good first impression to give.

I'm actually very surprised you joined a group like that, as you write some pretty radical stuff.

if you glance at the forum there, you'll see that I wasn't arguing for banning foalcon. I was actually arguing that it has its places and uses (I'm a big fan of Applejinx, who has some foal-on-foal stuff in his novels) and that even if bad foalcon looks like pedophilia, one would end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater. . . as it were. :twilightblush:

I do write extreme stuff, on purpose, as a way to show how consent can allow for extreme kinks that aren't illegal/creepy. (Not that foalcon is illegal, and it shouldn't be, but the behaviors modeled in it are and should be.) I know from experience that there are probably a lot of young people out there discovering kinks for the first time through ponies, and I try to be a voice saying ". . .and here's how you can try it at home!"

In terms of other clop writers, I can't recommend Applejinx highly enough. Yes, his series is long, but there's clop almost every chapter, and over time he's written almost every fetish I can name.

I'm sorry for taking up your comments section with this conversation. But feel free to reply or PM me, I always have time to talk.

The final version turned out quite nicely Hoarse. Good job! :twilightsheepish:

2427264 Check out his final version. He cleaned it up nicely.

2428811 I came, I read. I upvoted.

Guess you found me, eh? you ruthless bird. Gonna have to be more secretive with future publications.

Don't like. Vocab is fubar, Rainbow Dash sounds like Max Hardcore narrating a Year-8 sex-ed vid, Scootaloo sounds stupid. The sex is gross, not perversely titilating like Darf's stuff but just enough to go 'ehhhhh.' It entirely lacks the sleazy charm of say, RagingSemi's Soft Candy.

2429689 Mind specifying exactly what parts made you say some of those things. Your diction makes me feel as though your just trolling...

I prefer, if your actually here to give critique, that you at least point out things that I can work off of.

I think the whole thing felt extremely awkward. I cringed multiple times. Rainbow Dash seemed rather out of character, both her and Scootaloo didn't have the charm they usually have in the show and the fanfictions that really grasp the essence of their character. Even though experimental, it did keep changing tenses, which sort of through me off. :trollestia:

I'm completely fine with Foalcon like this, because both parties are willing and they have an adorable relationship anyway... Plus they're both mares. In clopfics including Bic Mac x Applebloom/Sweetie Belle for example, I feel their interactions aren't as meaningful nor do they have a heart-warming bond, I mean it could be there but it's never really shown. :unsuresweetie:

It was written rather fluently though, I found it quite entertaining, not many fanfictions actually entertain me nowadays.

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: :pinkiesmile:

3.5 Pinkie's out of 5! Well done c:

2430689 thank you for the constructive feedback!

Yes, this is the first time I attempted a scootadash fic. I've taken note about how you mentioned the out-of character issue, and I'll strive to impalement that in any future submission.

Again, thank you.

2431025

Erhm... Actually, looking back at what I've just commented... I was a little too harsh. It is a good fanfiction but I just felt it needed a little more charm that pulls the readers in. More character quirks, a little bit of humor perhaps, a reference or two. ScootaDash is a ship that I find most do struggle with because it's such a... B'AAAWWWE THE FEELS... sort of pairing that if not done correctly can just fall flat, ya know whutah' mean?

Anyway, you should definitely start writing more of dat couple. It so fun... We need more ScootaDash in the world. :twistnerd:

2430900

Mmmmgaww, it's just all so... Gahk, right? :pinkiesick: Especially if it's incest to boot.... BUT... I have some questionable fetishes and at this point, I accept fucking everything, I just don't really steer towards the stuff that I'm not exactly partial to. Sexual deviancy nowadays doesn't exist, if you think about it. Atleast not on the internet, eh? :yay:

Also... I thank you for watching me. I was a little concerned when I saw 'VENGEFUL SPIRIT IS WATCHING YOU'... Like oh, shi-- BOOM... Shit...

2431078 If I took offence of your prior comment, I would of told you.

You did fine, and it was nice of you to add some positive mentions closer to the end of your original comment.

No worries.

Besides, In comparison to EQD Pre-readers, your original comment was as stroll in the park.

PS: I see you made a friend. Everything happens for a reason, no?

And I'm back, sorry it took so long hoarse.

Good story, better than your last one. The buildup had a story, and a believable one at that. Characterization was better, but I found Rainbow Dash slightly lacking for some reason, but not to the extent that Twilight was in 101. Scoots was great. Couple spelling errors, nothing major. Dunno what everyone else was talking about on the perspective swapping, it read just fine to me.
Keep it up man, a definite improvement, you're on a roll now.

2440020 good day, Oblivion.

Glad you could make it! I was wondering where you were at.

Well, more is indefinably on the way, so I hope to see you again soon!

Awesome.
(the next morning)
Sweetie Belle: Hey, Scootaloo.... uh, why do you smell like that?
Apple Bloom: Yeah, Ah was wonderin' 'bout that too. Whatcha been doin' ?
Scootaloo: I can show you if you want. :scootangel:
:applecry: :unsuresweetie:

2480778 Spoilers....

Well, that was...fun. Great little story there. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep up the fantastic writing!

I’d of gone

Correct grammar is "I'd have gone"

I forget to breath.

I forgot to breathe*.

Breath is a singular noun, not a verb. You could say "I forgot to take several breaths" or something like that, but if you're using the action form, it's "I forgot to breathe".

I don't know if this is been addressed or not, but after the break in the first section of the story you should've written "Scootaloo" so we would know that the story continues from her POV. It wasn't until I got to the line "I dearly wished that she was my mother." that I realized this fact.

How is it that most ScootaDash clopfics manage to be really adorable?

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