The Manehattan Cutie Mark Crusaders want their cutie marks really bad! So you, the audience, pick what you want them to do! So join Babs Seed, Butterscotch, and Frost, as they go on fantastic adventures!
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 8th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 7th, 2013
Theater Critic
I'm that one kid that made the infamous fanfic and gets called an asshole because other people are hypocrites.
Theater Critic
Joined 8th Feb, 2013 ·
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MCMC detectives!
Taxi drivers
Food vendors
Bar Tenders
CMCM Latin translators...
I'm drunk, I have an excuse
Quick question. Are we allowed to talk to Babs directly? Because I'd like to know how she knows who Fluttershy is.
Not a bad premise for a choose-your-own-adventure story. You do a good job of capturing Babs' voice and mannerisms, so seeing everything from her perspective should be interesting. The backstory of her father being a wrestler is a bit, odd (she is part of the Apple family, after all), and I'm kinda confused as to why she pictured Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon as evil masterminds who wanted her to join their side, or how it was their rudeness that swayed her. Otherwise, you've fleshed her out quite nicely.
Another minor point is that Butterscotch is the name for the Rule 63 version of Fluttershy, but again, that's minor.
Also, you might want to consider finding an editor. Upon rereading, I noticed a few pretty glaring mistakes.
All in all, great premise, good presentation, and Babs, I request that your first exploit shall be (pause for dramatic effect)...
Cutie Mark Crusaders Pastry Chefs! Yay!
MCMC stunt ponies.
Think of the slapstick!
Pretty good. But let me just point some things out:
You capitalized "Ah" for no reason.
"Windwaker" should be "Wind Waker." That way it looks like a regular pony's name.
And one final thing:
Good luck with that.
MCMC Monster slayers.
wow. i think this is a going to be a good story
i think they should do MCMC newspaper sellers. (Extra! Extra! Read all about it!)
MANEHATTAN CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CANDY MAKERS YAY!!!
Ha Ha! Ideas!
MCMC Civil Servants! - In an attempt to clean up the streets of Manehatten the MCMC band together and make it their mission to keep their city clean. But will they go too far when they find the trash goes all the way to the Mayor's office?
MCMC Pony Express! - The MCMC start up a package delivery service which earns them money, local fame and enemies. When they attempt to deliver a package to the spooky mansion on the hill things take a turn for the worse.
MCMC Brewers! - Every year the Apple family makes and sells their famous Apple Cider which is known all over Equestria as being the best. Babs wants to set up a similar thing here in Manehatten but Manehattenites want something more sophisticated which leads the MCMC to look into making and selling alcohol
I must say I'm impressed. This is a huge improvement from your last story. It's not perfect, but good nonetheless. I had a few problems on how you portrayed Babs Seed though. I was wondering how she knew who the Mane 6 were and about the elements. She never met them and the elements are supposed to be a secret. Also, there were some spelling and grammar errors, but I assume whoever the editor for this story is will fix that.
Other than that, it was quite good and I will follow it. But I don't really have any ideas for the story, so I can't help you there.
Kinda meh on this right now but there's not much to go on.
You've earned a watch to see where this goes.
Wow. Thank you all for the likes! You are all so wonderful!
2562294
I don't exactly know. You can ask questions, if that's what you're talking about.
And I DO have an editor. I think it was ThaumicSlime.
2562870
Thanks for the feedback!
She knows about the Mane 6 because Wind and Apple Bloom told Babs.
Btw, expect some shipping in the next chapters.
Internet: UGH! GROAN!
Good shipping.
Internet: Oh, ok
2562584
Your idea will be in the next chapter.
2563205
OMGOMGOMG
Thats amazing!
You also should have mentioned what these other two MCMC members are. We don't know if they're Unicorn, Pegasus, or Earth Pony?
So, good concept here. I like stories about finding cutie marks as much as the next guy. This has a real meta feel to it too. Let me see if I can come up with something for everypony to do...
What if the Manehatten Branch tried to earn their cutie marks in being gangsters? Imagine the drama as little fillies attempt to start a crime empire, despite their size. I think fimfiction will be shocked and appalled by this new brand of story ideas.
2563145 Hmm. Well, let me rephrase the question a bit.
If I were to ask Babs a question here in the comments, would she respond?
2563976
I could do that.
2563492
Frost is a unicorn, and Butterscotch and Babs are earth ponies.
2563514
Uh, no. They would NEVER do that.
You know what I was thinking? MCMC doing that thing the CMC did in Showstoppers and sing! And also, one of the ponies wou-
Oops. Almost spoiled the story. So, what do you think? MCMC showstoppers?
I thought Babs had a York accent, not a southern one....
2564650
Um, Me and my editor try to stay the accent New Yorkish
2562210
no
maybe
no
2562294
After Newspaper sellers, Pastry Chefs will be next.
Also, Babs might be answering some questions at the end of a chapter. So, ask away??
2575954
Why? Is there a particular reason?
2576063
There is no taxis an MLP. Well, there is SOME. But, still, they are too young.
Same for bar tenders.
But food vendors? I could see it!
Hi there! Scribblestick the Chill here with my helpful writing tips. Let's get started, shall we?
Starting both these sentences with "so" bugs me. I'd get rid of the second one. It's a small thing, but for me, it would make your summary better.
I think you could ease up on the exclamation points a bit. They're more effective when used sparingly.
To me, this is a childish way to broach the subject, as if the narrator want to talk about sex but is to shy to actually say the word. This would work with a shy narrator, like Fluttershy, but it seems weird for strong-willed Babs. I think starting with "Soon, they had a filly." would work better for her voice.
(Or maybe it just reminds me of "My Immortal."
)
I do like Babs' narrative voice, though. It helps make the exposition more palatable.
No one refers to them as the Elements in the show, so it always seems weird to me when characters in a fanfic do.
Why is he in Ponyville and not Manehattan?
Careful with all caps.
Didn't she agree to do that at the end of "Bad Apple" before returning home?
Should be "mind."
Overall, it's an interesting idea. I've only seen one other story like this (based on reader input) on Fimfic. This is entirely exposition, but Babs' voice makes it more interesting to read, so good job with that.
That said, it was a lot of exposition, and I think it would be better to show off your storytelling abilities so we get a sense of how well you can handle suggestions.
Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
2585696
Thanks for the feedback!
Though, the second chapter will be released tonight so you can review THAT.
The first chapter isn't really an actual chapter. Like you said, pure exposition.
Nice job. I laughed a lot when diamond tiara got slugged!
2587444
I was bracing for negative comments, but that one comment you posted let down me Shield to give you a hug!
Thanks for the feedback!
2587453
Yay!
Alright. The problem is that you don't put much detail and description into these chapters.
And you really shouldn't have incorporated Wind Waker in this fic. The Tardis was way too much, and if you keep using him this is gonna turn into Element of Time.
2587468
THERE'S the negative comments! (JK.)
Thanks for the feedback!
I'll keep Wind in less chapters.
Mmmm, wonderful concept. I rather like this.
MANEHATTEN CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PASTRY MAKERS YAY!
2587586
That was already mentioned by this pony: 2562294
Why do you want pastries?
2587468 Pretty much what this guy said. You need more descriptions. Show; Don't Tell is the name of the game around here. Also, I'd probably edit the Tardis out altogether and just make Wind Waker a regular pony. I'll admit, I know nothing about this Element of Time story, but if you're trying to make this separate from that, the best thing you can do is not reference it at all.
Furthermore, what's Babs doing in Ponyville? Or if she's not in Ponyville, what are Featherweight and Diamond Tiara doing in Manehattan? Babs, you mind telling us where you are right now? We kinda want to know.
While I'm at it, Babs, you didn't need to give us the visual aid of your pupils dilating. We can form the mental image ourselves just fine.
2587617
One answer for that question about location:
Lack of continuity...
2587628 So, basically this entire story takes place in Plotholeistan.
...
That's, not good. At all. I'm sorry; it just isn't.
Take it from me, Babs. You do not want to end up in Plotholeistan. Get your flank out of there ASAP and properly establish where you are. It'll help you in the long run, trust me.
2587678
Dabuck is Plotholeistan?
Plot hole istan. That isn't funny. IT'S HILARIOUS!
2587687 Basically it means the story takes place in a plothole. That's the best I could gather from your Lack of Continuity answer to my location question.
2587701
I actually quite like this. A lot, in fact. But make sure to listen to the comments below.
I will admit it's not bad.
However, doNOT ask me to be an editor if you won't edit anything! I told you plenty of corrections, not just the one you didn't agree on. (I still think the TARDIS is.completely irrelevant though.)
Seriosuly, though. Don't waste my time asking for corrections if you're not even going to use them.
2592999
Eh?
I already have an editor, ThaumicSlime.
And aren't you the pony who will add detail to the story?
Oksy, I honestly don't know what my title is. Editor, Reviser, Deatiler,.I don't care.
The point is, you PMed me asking to fix this up. I gave you pointers on what to fix up, and you didn't do ANYTHING. If you're not actually going to use my corrections and add in anything, then don't even bother asking me to do anything.