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When Diamond Tiara drinks an unusual drink, she grows into a giant and goes around stealing all of Ponyville's stuff. Can the Mane 6 and CMC stop her before she hoards everything?
This fic is unrelated to my previous work.
Special Thanks to: Posey, shoboni, darkabomination, Cosmic Afro, MrMinimii and Jetto for ideas and proofreading. And to khorme for letting me use his image as the cover image. (and for inspiring me with said image.)
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Loved it beginning to end
2895869 Thanks
(THOU ART –)
("Inside voice", Luna.)
( – a very silly pony indeed! Thy tale hath amused Us greatly!)
(Hmf. How come I always end up being the bad pony?)
('Cause ya are a bad pony, Diamond.)
(Oh, who asked you, blank flank?)
(Um... you did.)
(Hey, I don't have to stand here and be insulted, blank flank!)
(Well, Ah suppose y'all can stand over there an' be insulted if it'll make ya feel better...)
That was funny thank you for writing it.
How come I want to make an Ultra-man joke?
Hilariousness, was all over this piece.
I liked the bet Diamond Tiara's about her inner beauty coming out .
Congrats on getting in the Featured Box, Morningstar!
2896305 Thanks
My sides!!!
derpicdn.net/thumbs/800/600/2013/05/01/23_01_40_909_313829__UNOPT__safe_pinkie_pie_animated_pinkamena_diane_pie_laughing_artist_sirachanotsauce.gif
2896291 You're welcome.
God, Penny Worth lines were pure snarky gold.
Love the art!
2896933 Fixed
Obligatory:
I enjoyed reading this
Haha, yes
The butler, his name's Penny Worth? Like Alfred Pennyworth?! Wow nice reference there.
2897913 Thank you
I try my best.
Uh... does it say "A large giant" in the description?
2897264 So. Much. Win.
I loved this!
We need a sequel with Godzilla!
... With the only issue being he's unstoppable.
It occurs to me that Diamond continued to grow throughout this fic until they started applying the cure, which means her size was constantly changing. Does that mean she was 50-feet on average or 50-feet was the maximum height she attained in the story? Either way, she's not only giant, but this comical beverage has turned her into a pony-dragon hybrid, and Ponyville's naturally in danger. I think I see what you were going for here.
Poison joke was an excellent choice of explanation for her becoming giant. Given its first appearance, it doesn't appear to have any rules that determine what it can or cannot do to a pony, and since it was blended into a drink with some extra sugar added, it becomes even more plausible that the results would be catastrophic. Imagine if someone added liquid rainbow.
One nice little touch you had at the beginning was the fact that no one knew Diamond Tiara's name other than the CMC. While it's entirely likely that they would know her name given that Spike knew Snips and Snails's names by episode six, it says something about how much the Mane Six actually know and care about Diamond Tiara without anyone actually having to say anything about it.
Characterization in general was no problem that this story couldn't handle. Rainbow challenged Diamond just as she did to the dragon in Dragonshy and wholly believed that the Wonderbolts would solve the problem; Rarity cared about her sister and her boutique, paying additional attention to what was dirty even in times of crisis; Pinkie treated the entire thing like a game, never becoming serious outside of her losing her party cannon; Twilight was entirely preoccupied with finding a solution and protecting the citizens of Ponyville; Applejack used rope; Fluttershy had very little to say; Silver Spoon was worried about Diamond and disappeared from the story entirely; and the CMC were essentially the same pony with four different personalities. If we were playing a game of chess with this story, we wouldn't have any checkers or Monopoly irons on the board as substitutes. We've got all the pieces we need in the character department and are ready for instruction.
My favorite part and my least favorite part of this story is the climax. After they finally obtain the cure they need, they come up with a plan to lead Diamond to the lake with Twilight's crown and get her back to normal size. Using the rain, they see the cure has an effect, so they know they're not wasting their time as they lure her out to the "lake where Rainbow swims." All of them work together in a group effort to complete the objective, and all of them are willing to help to get it done. It's a type of victory that's very similar to Magic Duel in its execution, and without the "lying is okay" implication from that episode, it really works. The reason it's also my least favorite part of the story is because it's guilty of being "all according to plan." The Mane Six and CMC came up with the plan to lure Diamond to the lake with Twilight's crown, and then they did it. You spoiled the ending within your own story. When coming up with a plan, it needs to remain unexplained, be explained after the fact, or something needs to go awry that changes the plan. Otherwise, you're basically telling a laconic version of a story and then telling the detailed version of the story after we already know the ending.
If I were to say one thing about how to improve this story, it would be about character usage. You did a great job with all your characters, even the ones that contributed very little to the story. Unfortunately, there were a number of characters that fell into that category. Fluttershy, the CMC, and Silver Spoon struck me as the biggest offenders. It's not that I think they need to be removed from the story. It's just that if you were to remove them, not much about the story would change. Penny Worth was the only one needed to inform Twilight about the drink, Fluttershy only ever did anything useful along with someone else, and the CMC could have been replaced by just Apple Bloom and everything would have remained the same. Adding characters to a story is a lot like topping a pizza. You want to cover the whole pie, but you don't want to add too many or the toppings will overlap. If all four of the CMC are going to be there, make it important for there to be four of them rather than just one. If you intend to use Silver Spoon, make sure she does more than one of the background ponies unless her role in the story is to be comically useless. When deciding which characters to include in your story, make sure you give them something significant to do or the reader will wonder why they're there in the first place when they should be focused on the story.
I do have to wonder what exactly Filthy Rich was chastising Diamond and Penny Worth about. Unless the drink was illegal or something, it seems that both of them were victims of circumstance, especially due to Diamond being in a state of confusion after returning to normal size. Of course, that could have been an act, so who's to say? I do like how Flim and Flam are the true Big Bads of this story, and they can't even be held accountable for their actions thanks to their clever manipulation of the red tape. In fact, with the very ending of the story, they managed to come across as very powerful villains without even appearing in this story. That was nicely done on your part.
This line confused me. Did Diamond ever reach her maximum size? Did Zecora mean she had to turn full dragon, because I don't recall that ever happening either. It almost seemed more like Zecora was looking to rhyme rather than explaining what they needed to do.
You had a tendency to slip into present tense on occasion, which was probably the most common grammatical error I spotted. You also had a few instances of directly stating how characters were feeling:
It's a bit awkward when we know what characters are feeling because the narrator outright tells us, especially when we have a limited perspective. I'd suggest showing what characters are feeling through dialogue and body language. It's much more fun for a reader to solve a crossword puzzle themselves than to be told the answer.
The idea is good and the formula is structurally sound. We have the initial transformation which leads into the ensuing conflict and is ultimately resolved. The Flim Flam Brother involvement was the story's biggest surprise, and you had a good deal of clever lines to the point where I can definitely consider this a comedy. I'd call this story a giant marshmallow coated in drizzled chocolate. It's enticing, and it's got a good combination of flavor and texture, even though it is a bit fluffy. Definitely a good late-night snack.
Make the most!
that was one weird ass movie...
and suddenly Godzilla appeared at the edge of the ever free to defend his title of king of the monsters.
all joking aside I loved the story great work.
a cookie to anyone who gets the reference.
What's with all the one-sentence and two-sentence paragraphs? For me, all of those breaks (and the blank lines between the paragraphs) destroyed any flow the story may have had. That plus the overall wording of the story gave me an impression of a somewhat simplistic style. If you were trying to write a story aimed at kids, I think you nailed it. It just wasn't working for me, though...
2901638 Thanks, and I'll see what I can do about fixing my mistakes as well as giving Fluttershy and the CMC more screentime in the sequel fic.
2902051 There were constant scene and perspective shifts.
2901749 So you got the reference?
2902375
There were more breaks than shifts.
2902375 the movie with the disk world on top of 4 elephants, that are on top of a giant turtle/tortoise, and apparently the greatest mystery of the age is what the turtle/tortoise's sex is, right? (can't remember the name, just that the movie was WEIRD)
2902787
You were close. This was a reference to the Discworld books, (Granted I don't know if any of them were adapted into film)
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2901638 Okay I moved the lake plan thing to after Diamond Tiara's little bath, gave Fluttershy a bit more screen-time, and changed two of the "That Makes Me Feel Angry" problems you have pointed out. And Yes, Silver Spoon was meant to be useless (as befits her name).
2903784
Good job with the change to the plan. You took out all the redundancy and still made the dialogue seem believable, and Fluttershy's role is more significant than it was at the very least. The thing about the way you made Silver useless is that there's no punchline to it. She just disappears after a random point in the story when she's watching Diamond's rampage. It's a case of What Happened to the Mouse?, and since Silver's contributed nothing to the story anyway, only die hard Silver fans will probably notice her absence.
The CMC are still a horde rather than four separate characters, but you can look into improving on that for your sequel if that doesn't bother you.
2904495 Yeah, well they differences in character seem a bit more minuet. I'll see what I can do about their characterization in future fics (Including sequels for both this fic and My last story, The Path of Absolution - Punishment, thought now I;m not sure how I nailed the characterization on that fic) I'll see about changing Silver Spoon's role soon.
This is a good story and all and it could possibly be an episode. My biggest gripe though is that at the end, it should've been Diamond Tiara to be the one to rebuild the town, with some assistance from the Mane 6, Spike, and the CMC, not just get chewed out.
What does Z&R stand for?
3003720 dunno, just a small nod to the micro comics.
2909612 I know right?
Ballet class? This is one of the most hilarious stories I've ever read on this site!
There are a couple of typos that need editing. Meanwhile, well done!
Reminds me of the AWM's Episode attack of the 50 Foot Veronica
Might have looked something like this
Chev Chellios would be Pinky's gorilla
This fic was so full of win. It was hilarious!
I loved Babs's Ghost Buster Refrence
Hillarious from the begining to the end
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This story is 100% Diamond Cutters Approved!
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That line needs to be in the show at some point.