Introduction
Listen up! Ah won't tell you this again, so yah better pay attention! Let me ask yah a question! Do you like stories about three fillies and colts trying to find their cutie marks? If not, GET OUT! As for the rest of us, ah think ya'll will enjoy it. First of all, let me tell a little something about myself, my two friends, and the origin of the legendary groups known as The Cutie Mark Crusaders, and the Manehattan Cutie mark Crusaders, it's branch group.
Mah name is Babs Seed. Ah come from a long line of fighters. Yah know that channel on TV that has those cheesy fights between two wrestlers? Well, ah came from that. My father was Hard Seed. He was the legendary champion of the PWE, Pony Wrestling Entertainment. Until one day, some nopony came in and actually beat Hard Seed! People started hatin' Hard Seed cause' he got beat by such a dimwit! That dimwit was Unicron, (Ah know, a really stupid name.) the strongest Unicorn in all of Manehattan! (Ah'm pretty sure he cheated by the way.) So after the fight, mah dad hid from the world, and kept low. He quit the PWE because ponies made fun of him a lot. Then he became a clerk at a grocery store, which was the place he met mah mom at.
Mah mom's Peach Cobbler. She knew about the loss of Hard, and felt sorry. They became friends, best friends, in love, and before you knew it, married. They had "you know what" and soon, they had a filly. Me. Mah dad wanted to name me Bad Seed, but he was drinking water, so they thought he meant Babs Seed. So they named me Babs Seed, though I would've preferred Bad Seed. (Though Ah heard Babs is short for Barbra. Barbra Seed? No thanks.)
Elementary school was a breeze. Ah didn't get bullied, so dat was good. There were plenty of blank flanks in the school. But middle school was dah worst place a blank flank could go to! Almost everypony had their cutie marks, and most of dem were complete jerks. They made fun of me, and soon, Ah had enough. So Ah bought a train ticket, with mah Dad's permission, and spent the next week at Ponyville, a dinky old town where dah 6 Elements are. I met mah favorite cousin Apple Bloom, and mah big bro, Windwaker. (We met at another visit to Ponyville.)
Apple Bloom wanted to recruit me to The Cutie Mark Crusaders! And I thought dat was a good idea, but at dah time, Ah was shy. Like, really shy. (The Flutter kind of Shy. BUH DUM TSS!) Ah guess Ah was scared of being a blank flank. Apple Bloom and two other CMCs took me to see their "float", a giant pumpkin. (Why? Do something cool like a pear!) Ah thought it was a giant orange! And two others thought dat too. They were two jerks named Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They were so rude, their plan of me joining their side ACTUALLY WORKED!
Day after day, we teased and bullied them. But we didn't know they had a plan. They planned to SINK ME IN DAH RIVER! They built a new float, a golden apple, after I destroyed the other one, and they put a trap in the float. I stole dah float, and rode it, not knowing the trap the CMCs placed. But, after a change of heart, Ah guess, they pushed me off dah float, saving my life. I eventually joined the CMCs, making it dah fourth member.
When Ah returned to Manehattan, ponies kept on bullyin' me, but thanks to my new confidence, Ah just ignored dem. Then, Ah found out, most of the time, bullies don't target groups, so Ah decided Ah should make a group! The Manehattan Cutie Mark Crusaders!
Frost was one of mah best friends. (Ah kind of secretly like-like him but don't tell nopony, or your face will be on dah milk carton.) He had a light blue coat, and a blueish silverish mane. He was bullied a lot, like me. So one day, Ah asked him if he wanted to join the MCMC. He said, "Sure. But only if you let my other blank flank friend in as well."
And that leads up to the final member of the MCMC. Butterscotch. She has a white coat with green hair. Ah'm no fashion expert, but even a dummy would say doze colors don't match. Despite her looks, she is a pretty nice filly. And ah think she has the hots for Frost as well. Oh, dah irony, whatever dat meant.
So, one day, we ran out of ideas for finding our cutie marks, so we posted dis thingy on FIMfiction to get ideas from you! Then, after we are done, we post our adventures that you requested in chapters and publish dem on dis story.
It can be anything yah want. Bunny fishing, skydiving, acting, whatevah! So, get busy in dah comments!
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Here are the rules:
1. You must post a comment in the comments section for your idea to be featured. I will name the people who requested the idea. You can't PM me, it has to be in the comments.
2. No rule 34. But kissing is acceptable.
3. No pointless or negative feedback in the comments. I will delete them, regardless of what you say, if its not allowed. An Example is "You suck" without some constructive criticism. I will accept constructive criticism.
4. Don't ask where Windwaker came from. He will be explained in a later chapter.
5. No flame wars WHATSOEVER! I don't want this to be like my last story, The Element of Time.
6. No swearing in the comments. I would like this to be as clean as possible!
7. Like I said in 3, Constructive Critisiscm is allowed. I don't mine that.
8. No advertising your other Fanfics. I hate that.
Post away, and I might might put your idea in a chapter and mention you for it. Have fun, and stay pony my friends.
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MCMC detectives!
Taxi drivers
Food vendors
Bar Tenders
CMCM Latin translators...
I'm drunk, I have an excuse
Quick question. Are we allowed to talk to Babs directly? Because I'd like to know how she knows who Fluttershy is.
Not a bad premise for a choose-your-own-adventure story. You do a good job of capturing Babs' voice and mannerisms, so seeing everything from her perspective should be interesting. The backstory of her father being a wrestler is a bit, odd (she is part of the Apple family, after all), and I'm kinda confused as to why she pictured Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon as evil masterminds who wanted her to join their side, or how it was their rudeness that swayed her. Otherwise, you've fleshed her out quite nicely.
Another minor point is that Butterscotch is the name for the Rule 63 version of Fluttershy, but again, that's minor.
Also, you might want to consider finding an editor. Upon rereading, I noticed a few pretty glaring mistakes.
All in all, great premise, good presentation, and Babs, I request that your first exploit shall be (pause for dramatic effect)...
Cutie Mark Crusaders Pastry Chefs! Yay!
MCMC stunt ponies.
Think of the slapstick!
Pretty good. But let me just point some things out:
You capitalized "Ah" for no reason.
"Windwaker" should be "Wind Waker." That way it looks like a regular pony's name.
And one final thing:
Good luck with that.
MCMC Monster slayers.
wow. i think this is a going to be a good story
i think they should do MCMC newspaper sellers. (Extra! Extra! Read all about it!)
MANEHATTAN CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CANDY MAKERS YAY!!!
Ha Ha! Ideas!
MCMC Civil Servants! - In an attempt to clean up the streets of Manehatten the MCMC band together and make it their mission to keep their city clean. But will they go too far when they find the trash goes all the way to the Mayor's office?
MCMC Pony Express! - The MCMC start up a package delivery service which earns them money, local fame and enemies. When they attempt to deliver a package to the spooky mansion on the hill things take a turn for the worse.
MCMC Brewers! - Every year the Apple family makes and sells their famous Apple Cider which is known all over Equestria as being the best. Babs wants to set up a similar thing here in Manehatten but Manehattenites want something more sophisticated which leads the MCMC to look into making and selling alcohol
I must say I'm impressed. This is a huge improvement from your last story. It's not perfect, but good nonetheless. I had a few problems on how you portrayed Babs Seed though. I was wondering how she knew who the Mane 6 were and about the elements. She never met them and the elements are supposed to be a secret. Also, there were some spelling and grammar errors, but I assume whoever the editor for this story is will fix that.
Other than that, it was quite good and I will follow it. But I don't really have any ideas for the story, so I can't help you there.
Kinda meh on this right now but there's not much to go on.
You've earned a watch to see where this goes.
Wow. Thank you all for the likes! You are all so wonderful!
2562294
I don't exactly know. You can ask questions, if that's what you're talking about.
And I DO have an editor. I think it was ThaumicSlime.
2562870
Thanks for the feedback!
She knows about the Mane 6 because Wind and Apple Bloom told Babs.
Btw, expect some shipping in the next chapters.
Internet: UGH! GROAN!
Good shipping.
Internet: Oh, ok
2562584
Your idea will be in the next chapter.
2563205
OMGOMGOMG
Thats amazing!
You also should have mentioned what these other two MCMC members are. We don't know if they're Unicorn, Pegasus, or Earth Pony?
So, good concept here. I like stories about finding cutie marks as much as the next guy. This has a real meta feel to it too. Let me see if I can come up with something for everypony to do...
What if the Manehatten Branch tried to earn their cutie marks in being gangsters? Imagine the drama as little fillies attempt to start a crime empire, despite their size. I think fimfiction will be shocked and appalled by this new brand of story ideas.
2563145 Hmm. Well, let me rephrase the question a bit.
If I were to ask Babs a question here in the comments, would she respond?
2563976
I could do that.
2563492
Frost is a unicorn, and Butterscotch and Babs are earth ponies.
2563514
Uh, no. They would NEVER do that.
You know what I was thinking? MCMC doing that thing the CMC did in Showstoppers and sing! And also, one of the ponies wou-
Oops. Almost spoiled the story. So, what do you think? MCMC showstoppers?
I thought Babs had a York accent, not a southern one....
2564650
Um, Me and my editor try to stay the accent New Yorkish
2562210
no
maybe
no
2562294
After Newspaper sellers, Pastry Chefs will be next.
Also, Babs might be answering some questions at the end of a chapter. So, ask away??
2575954
Why? Is there a particular reason?
2576063
There is no taxis an MLP. Well, there is SOME. But, still, they are too young.
Same for bar tenders.
But food vendors? I could see it!
Hi there! Scribblestick the Chill here with my helpful writing tips. Let's get started, shall we?
Starting both these sentences with "so" bugs me. I'd get rid of the second one. It's a small thing, but for me, it would make your summary better.
I think you could ease up on the exclamation points a bit. They're more effective when used sparingly.
To me, this is a childish way to broach the subject, as if the narrator want to talk about sex but is to shy to actually say the word. This would work with a shy narrator, like Fluttershy, but it seems weird for strong-willed Babs. I think starting with "Soon, they had a filly." would work better for her voice.
(Or maybe it just reminds me of "My Immortal."
)
I do like Babs' narrative voice, though. It helps make the exposition more palatable.
No one refers to them as the Elements in the show, so it always seems weird to me when characters in a fanfic do.
Why is he in Ponyville and not Manehattan?
Careful with all caps.
Didn't she agree to do that at the end of "Bad Apple" before returning home?
Should be "mind."
Overall, it's an interesting idea. I've only seen one other story like this (based on reader input) on Fimfic. This is entirely exposition, but Babs' voice makes it more interesting to read, so good job with that.
That said, it was a lot of exposition, and I think it would be better to show off your storytelling abilities so we get a sense of how well you can handle suggestions.
Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
2585696
Thanks for the feedback!
Though, the second chapter will be released tonight so you can review THAT.
The first chapter isn't really an actual chapter. Like you said, pure exposition.