1. Member Since 7th Feb, 2013
  2. offline for 193w, 6d

I'm that one kid that made the infamous fanfic and gets called an asshole because other people are hypocrites.

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Theater Critic, an online movie reviewer, finds a portal and goes inside. There, he finds out he is the Seventh Element of Harmony, the Element of time! With the help of his friends, Babs seed, plus the mane 6, they try to get Wind to fit in!

A classic bad story that will be riffed in the future...

First Published
23rd Mar 2013
Last Modified
7th Apr 2013
Comment posted by Minimoog Voyager deleted at 5:58pm on the 29th of August, 2013
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Comment posted by Chaotic Discord deleted at 10:11pm on the 23rd of March, 2013

Hi there! I'm Scriblestick the Chill, here to offer some friendly writing tips! Let's dive right in, shall we? :pinkiehappy:

-First Impressions-

This is the part where I look at your cover image, story description, and tags and tell you what would draw me in or turn me away.

Is your OC named "Theater Critic" or "WindWaker"? You have both in the description, so that's a bit confusing. Also, I strongly advise against giving your OC your username. It's a big red self-insertion flag, and most people aren't interested in reading other people's raw fantasies. It doesn't help that the cover image looks very similar to your profile picture.

While on the subject, there are two things about your cover image that might turn readers off. First, he's red and black, a color scheme that's been really over-used and is generally associated with poor character development. Second, it's done in a pony generator, which is also associated with poor writing. I'm not saying either of these things is true in your case (I haven't read the story yet), but these are associations you should be aware of.

On the bright side, he's not an alicorn, so that's a plus.

While on the subject of associations, let's talk about the 7th element thing. It's been done before,  usually poorly, so again, that's a preconception you're fighting against. Also, short chapters are also associated with weak writing, so I recommend making them longer (1,000 words seems to be a good minimum).

You might be wondering why I'm spending so much time on stuff that's not the actual story. As this section's title implies, these things are what give potential readers their first impression of your story. If they don't like what they see, they'll pass on your story for something else.

-The Story-

This is where I talk about... well, the story. In this case, I'll take it one chapter at a time.

Chapter 1

"Do you know if he's an Alicorn like Twilight Sparkle?"  

"Yes. He is just a pegasus now."

So... he's going to become an alicorn? Oh boy.

On another note, wouldn't it make more sense for Celestia to say something like, "He will be," instead of just "Yes" and then contradict herself in the very next sentence?

But on to more pressing matters. It doesn't bother me so much that the scene with Celestia and Luna is so short, but the rest is really rushed. Your character (Theater Critic?) has unexplained connections to Doctor Who, and everyone is just way too chill about a magic portal and time lord appearing in their back yard and the fact that their brother/son is leaving them forever. Their reactions read like something I'd find in a children's book, which isn't a bad thing, but considering the profanity, I don't think that's what you're going for.

Overall, things just kind of happen in this chapter. There's a portal and a time lord and he goes to Equestria and finds Babs. (And somehow becomes instant best friends with her? Real friendships take a bit longer than that.)

Chapter 2

"You must be the element of Time." Celestia said.

"Eeyup." I said.

Um... what?

What's the element of time? What does that mean for Critic? How does he just know that, and why is he completely unfazed?

"You know, I don't have a problem with Celestia or Luna." Babs said.

Who said she did?

"Yeah. We are here." I said. We saw a giant tree with windows and a door.

Wait wait wait. So they go from Celestia's throne room in Canterlot to Twilight's library in Ponyville in four lines of dialogue? We may not know exactly how far apart the two places are, but it's far enough that characters travel there by train.

Also, did he get turned into a pony at some point? Or was he always a pony, just in a different dimension? Or is he still human?

All that aside, what your story really needs is description and detail. This not only lets the reader know where the characters are but can also be used to tell us things about them. Describe actions as well, since this allows you to move characters from one place to another while carrying on a conversation. More details will help immensely with your pacing and keep readers from getting lost. It'll also help us learn things about your character, which is essential if readers are going to care about him.

Chapter 3

"When I got the Elements of Harmony, I found an extra one."

When? Not when she found them in Everfree. Not when Discord hid them in her book. When Celestia gave them to her in "Keep Calm and Flutter On?" Maybe, but then where was it before then?

"Well, no crap, Fluttershy!" The white unicorn said.

Because Rarity says "no crap" all the time. It's a very ladylike expression.

Also, why does the BOOMING VOICE OF POWER say he'll be an alicorn and then turn him into a pegasus?

The romance between Windwaker and Twilight really starts to show.

:facehoof:

Remember when I said how weird it was that Critic/WindWaker became instant best friends? This is ten times weirder. Romance does not happen in so short a time. They barely know each other. Heck, I barely know WindWaker, and I've been following him for about 2,000 words.

-Final Thoughts-

I don't mean to sound discouraging with all this. All writers start somewhere, and if this is your start, great. Keep in mind that feedback is a writer's lifeblood. It helps us recognize our weaknesses (we all have them) and make them stronger.

I truly wish you the best of luck moving forward, and I hope my comments can help you write even better in the future.

Cheers! :twilightsmile:

~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer

Comment posted by No One Ever deleted at 10:10pm on the 23rd of March, 2013
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Comment posted by Theater Critic deleted at 10:12pm on the 23rd of March, 2013

I think all the hate comments are gone. Good. :fluttershysad:

Deleting comments? Not cool. :ajbemused:

>>2308304

Stop. Deleting. Comments.

The delete feature should only be used on comments like "faggot ur story is horible"

You deleted those comments, yet not ones like Alpha_AiE's "I think I died a little in the inside."

I was trying to help you...

And you completly ignored every word I said.

>>2308326

Oh really? Well good day to you sir! Have fun trying to get people to like you!

>>2308326

Congratulations. You just shot yourself in the foot. With a shotgun.

>>2308326 Some people were trying to help. :ajbemused:

You, sir, need better writing skills. THAT'S WHAT. :flutterrage:

>>2308315 Not sure what to make of that.

Congratz. You just got 40 comments, and about 38 of them weren't positive.

I'll just put the review back then, In summary.

Story is loaded with plot holes enough to form a tunnel to china.

Doctor shows up for no reason. The people are unrealistic dicks, no-one looks at a portal to an alternate universe and thinks "pony crap", they think "holy crap, alternate universes are real'. There is no way the character should know he's gonna go Equestria or on a quest with the doctor.  The characters all act horrendously out of character. The pace moves like Speedy Gonzalas on crack. And finally, the main character is a dull blank slate that we know jack about.

Read a book, Dean Koontz, Lovecraft, Stephen King, etc.Hell, read Twilight if it helps.

>>2308368 Likes: 6 :facehoof:

Dislikes: 31

Well. That sums up this story.

>>2308326

Congratulations. You just made yourself look like a total idiot by deleting comments that were less than positive. You know, it still notes in the comments section "Comment posted by x deleted by x at x time on x date." It makes it pretty obvious that you just want to make yourself look good and have been deleting critical responses--seeing as your story has almost all dislikes.

Good day to you, good sir. I hope you enjoy playing in your little self-delusional sandbox-bubble.

>>2308383 Couldn't have said it better myself.

It's quite funny, actually. If it didn't show that message after a comment was deleted, with all those dislikes, it would look like nobody even cared to comment on here.

How does this story even have likes? :facehoof:

Summary:

Edgy teen finds a portal, and somehow knows where it leads. He walks in and ends up in Equestria. He becomes an Alicorn and has instant shipping with Twilight.

>>2308414

I'm not sure, especially considering he deleted a comment posted by Art Inspired, one  of the more popular writers here a fimfiction.

>>2308431 Wow. That's pretty harsh. :applejackunsure:

I'm sure the people who like this are being held hostage by him.

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