• Member Since 28th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 10th, 2017

Venficus


E

Rainbow Dash has been crushing on Twilight for months, while Twilight remains oblivious. When Twilight starts changing for the worst, something's got to give. Will it be Twilight and her new Coltfriend? Or will Rainbow Dash decide she's had enough and leave? Please note that Night Shade was a random name pick. I didn't mean to steal anyone's OC.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 33 )

So many dislikes, but not a single comment on WHY or how to improve. Maybe it was a mistake to bother posting anything.

2289526
Never, ever regret posting your work. When I first started writing, I did the same thing, and it was a mistake. I'll be reading this as soon as I have some time, and from there I'll let you know. But never, ever doubt yourself. Give it a while, you just need the right people to find it.

First of all, I like the story.
Normally I comment on stories, cause I always say things the wrong way :rainbowlaugh:

While the storyline was nice and good, I just felt that some things went to fast or where left out.
One thing that I noticed was Dash's state. To me it wasn't that clear why she was feeling so hopeless and forgotten. I can't really place my finger on it thought but it felt... unfinished.

Something else that caught my eye was the ending. For me it felt.. to fast.
Twi's personality (at least the way I know it) isn't one for rash actions. Dumping Night Light and all the while accepting Dash as her marefriend while already talking about 'private' stuff? Dunno, feels fast.
I feel there was room for Twilight to think about it, seeing her mistakes and such. Maby even get angry at her coltfriend for calling Scoots a "brat".
Aside from that, I expected Dash to bolt off after her rant. Hide out, give her friends time to process it.

Anyway, I agree with Kodeake. Don't regret posting it.
It's not a bad story.

For what it's worth, I liked reading it.:twilightsmile:
And once again, I normally don't do this. So forgive me if I sound to harsh...
Also, I am in no way an expert in this. Just a brony with a new found interest/hobby in reading.

BUCK THE DISLIKES!!! This is f***ing cool! I mean: RD shoots Lightnings? Awesome!
Make more stuff like this!

2289526
And I'm back as promised. All in all, I can't telly ou why you have more dislikes then you do likes, because I found it pretty good. There are a fair amount of mistakes, but it's nowhere near illegible. The entire thing is good, if a bit rushed. The emotions or believable, but may develope a bit fast. This would do better as a full fic, with multiple chapters, but it can pass as a one shot. The only thing I really have a problem with is the ending, it kinda feels like you pulled it out of your ass. While something like this could happen, it most likely wouldn't happen instantly, it would still take a while, along with all the other feelings shown in the fic. Also, I love how you made the CMC and Spike the only ones to really notice it other then Rainbow, I know well enough that children are the most receptive and catch on the fastest to this kind of thing, and for the most part they know better then the adults (even if most of the time the adults won't admit it) and... sorry, went a bit off topic there, back to the review. I have to advise you go a little more indepth to Night Shade's character, while you do a good job showing some of it, there are other things I want to know about him. For example, as it is know I really don't know if I should hate him for all time or feel sorry for him, you just never really explained his motivation for doing the things he did.

All in all, I enjoyed, you get a fave from me. (Also, I would really hate to be Night Shade at the end...)

TWIDASH FOREVER! :rainbowdetermined2::heart::twilightsmile:

Well, I liked it. Close to my headcanon regarding pegasus magic as well.

2289898
dont worry i shall keep the BALANCE~!!:twilightoops:

2289898
Thank you for your time.
Yes, I will admit the end was a bit rushed., and rereading it after your review...It does seem a bit too hurried, and yes, that's something I need to work on. It's not so much the dislikes that annoy me, but the fact that I wasn't given a reason for them.

Well, okay, there is the fact that I had two dislikes before it showed any views, but I'm sure that'd annoy anyone.

I want to improve. I honestly want to improve to the point of writing amazing works of art like Growing Pains and A Bluebird's Song.
I want to be able to write like The Wizard of Words and those around his Caliber, but I can't if I don't have anyone to tell me how to improve.
So thank you for your honesty, and Next time, I'll try to make sure it doesn't seem as rushed.

Comment posted by Stormgnome deleted Mar 19th, 2013

2289743
Like I told Kodeake, After reading your comments, I can see what you mean.

Thank you as well for your time in helping a beginner learn the ropes. I haven't written anything in ages, and this was sorta a warm up for me. I'd like to say I had the imagination, but my motivation and skills are lacking and require a great deal of polish,
As for harsh, I don't think so. It sounded spot on, really.

Though Pinkie still baffles me.

Not sure how to write Pinkie....

2289934
Best of luck with your next fic, you have potential, practise up and you could very well see the featured box soon.

2289964 Writing Pinkie absolutely terrifies me :twilightoops: I don't really have any clear idea how to pull that off. And yes, I agree, trying to one day reach the caliber of TheWizardofWords is an admirable goal (he is one of the best authors on this website). I have not yet had a chance to read your story quite yet, but when I finish it I will do my best to give an in-depth review.

2289898 Why the flying fuck am I seeing you absolutely EVERYWHERE?!

This may come of as a bit harsh but all in all I agree with the above posts.
Good story, a little rushed.

And a few hopefully correct pointers:

Try adding a few descriptions of their surroundings, where they are who is present how they got there etc.
At the moment everything seems to take place in a somewhat empty void.

If you do that I think the pacing would improve.

Also try to make it a little clearer as to who is speaking.
(This may just be my preference)

“Wait, Rainbow! Listen…ahm sorry. I should have listened to you instead of just turning you away. Ah’ve been stupid, and it took mah little sister yellin’ at me to make me see just how stupid. Can you forgive me for bein’ a bad friend?” Applejack stepped forward, her face red with shame as she looked the hovering Pegasus in the eyes, hoping she could see the remorse in her eyes.

“Wait, Rainbow!" Applejack stepped forward, her face red with shame. "Listen…ahm sorry. I should have listened to you instead of just turning you away. Ah’ve been stupid, and it took mah little sister yellin’ at me to make me see just how stupid. Can you forgive me for bein’ a bad friend?”
She looked the hovering Pegasus in the eyes, hoping she could see the remorse in her eyes.

And also try cutting up longer dialogue lines like this one.

“That can’t be it, Rainbow. We’ve had disagreements in the past, but you’ve never reacted like this. We’re the Elements of Harmony, and even Discord couldn’t tear us apart. You’re the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow. Without you, we can’t go on. I wasn’t listening before, Rainbow, but I’m listening now. Why? Tell me how to fix this, Rainbow Dash!”

Try adding some action in it.

2290023
Me thinks one of us has a stalker... and to help decide who, may I mention I was here first.

(either that, or we both read practically every story added to the Twidash group)

2290035
Damn, I really have gotten rusty if I didn't notice that. Thanks for pointing it out. I've really let myself go when it comes to descriptions...
Like I said before, it's not harsh if you intend to help.

2290058 ...I suggest we solve this with a game of rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.

Okay to be fair you were here first but I was in class from 11-5 straight, so I never had a fair chance :derpytongue2: That, and I do read practically every story in the TwiDash group. I personally hope to one day see the feature box, unlikely as it is.

2290085
*spock*

Fair point.

2290119 Dammit I picked rock. You win this round, but I'll get you next time!

2290077
You are very much welcome.

2290058>>2290085
And you two, I don't comment much but pretty much everywhere I go, I see you two.:facehoof:
I think you are about 55/45 in Timaeus favour, as to whom is first to comment so I'm almost sure neither one of you is stalking the other, unless one of you is ready to confess.

2290133 *eyes shift nervously around room*

2289526

Wow, don't regret nothing, this is a great and amazing story, seriously, you describe very well the emotions and anger of Rainbow, and the Lighting was awesome, a really good expression of pegasus magic, no other autor have write something like that before, well none that I have readed, again fantastic story. You have my thumb up and fave, don't worry about the thumbs down, many even haven't finished to read.
Also a great development of the CMC :scootangel: and Spike :moustache:, glad you don't send him to nowhere like most of the Twidash stories.

The bad, a bit rushed, specialy in the end, like others comments have told you, but I deal with it.

TWIDASH :twilightsmile::heart::rainbowdetermined2: FOREVER (yes I copy, jejeje)

Okay, I finally had a chance to read the whole thing (sorry about the wait, shit went down and I had to deal with it). What the others have said is true. It is rushed towards the end. The main thing I would change in the future is flush out the conflict with Night Shade so we could all really see how detestable he is and make his punishment/defeat more...satisfying, I guess? Not that the teleporting him to a nearby star isn't a good enough punishment (also I rather enjoyed Twilight's explanation of "Buck Off," that was well done and made me laugh more than it should have). As Kodeake said, flushing out Night Shade would be an excellent idea. Maybe give some examples of the times when he was with Twilight that really made him such an arse? Like things he did that started to change Twilight for the worse, you know what I mean (I hope, it's really early where I am :twilightoops: ).

But all in all I don't think this deserves the number of dislikes it has. The concept was solid, the grammar was not by any means intolerable (being said from a guy who's Dad honoured in English in university), and you do a really, really good job of capturing emotion. Rainbow's tirade at the end there was incredible. You did an amazing job communicating her and Twilight's emotions, and for that I applaud you. Also the comments from the peanut gallery (i.e. Rarity, Applejack, etc) were quite entertaining. My favourite was "Twilight, I think your crazy is showing."

So, in conclusion, keep at it! Next time, don't rush the ending. Maybe get an editor who can help out with these things and make similar suggestions. I really think there's potential for you to go far. If you wanna talk about anything I just said, just lemme know.

I think I agree with a lot of the criticism. I thought the first two thirds were great. I thought that it seemed brutally honest.
It didn't really bother me not fleshing out night shade. I felt the brief descriptions like the annoyed look and other small things were enough to make me dislike him. So the conflict and everything was really good.
Unfortunately, like most have already said, the last third did feel as organic or real as the rest. Everything was fine up until kiss then it kinda lost its edge. It seemed generic.
Either way I really enjoyed this and hope I'm not too much of a broken record. Keep up the good work.

I have yet to find something else like this. This is definatley one of the best fics I've read. The idea was good, but the execution was amazing. Well plaid, sir. Nice touch with the letter. Awesomeness approved:rainbowdetermined2:. Twice.:rainbowdetermined2::heart::twilightsmile:

your crazy is showing xD

That damn friend zone:twilightangry2:
This reminded me when i teied to get out.:applecry::raritycry::raritydespair::fluttercry:

No i tried but it ended with heartbreak and getting told off by her sistrs and brother.:applecry:3070972

3071020 Damn sorry bro:ajsleepy: you'll find em one day though sugarcube. :ajsmug:

Ah the friend zone, how we all despise it. I liked this story; thank you for writing it.
I found a few word that were incorrectly capitalized. I would suggest refreshing your knowledge of capitalization rules. I'm not trying to criticize, just to make you a better writer :pinkiehappy:

Great job really nice story and really amazing great job. :D

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