What do you do if you like someone? You tell them and hope for the best. What if they like someone else? Well, then I am sorry but this is just not going to end well at all.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 27th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 12th, 2017
auramane
On 03/02/2014, at 21:52, Cryosite wrote: > Jack, I want you to know I appreciate you. You're a beautiful person and I wish more people were like you.
auramane
Joined 27th Jun, 2013 ·
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I can see the story and get the point of it, but there are grammar mistakes, a lot of them. Also I think it would be better if it wasn't a one-shot story, but instead have multiple chapters. This sort of topic is better known if there are several chapters involving how Applejack reacts to Rainbow Dash asking out Twilight. When Rainbow Dash finds out about Applejack, etc. It's not the best or the worst, it's a good first story btw! This was enjoyable to read.
3000478 Thanks for the comment. I will probably look around and edit this story at some point. I do have other chapters planned, probably ten or so. Also thanks for the fav. The first thing I saw when this was let through was one view and one dislike so I was not very hopeful. Thanks for the support.
3000586 Don't mention it, you might want to start looking for editors, they save your life sometimes.
3000591 know anyone or should I just pawn it off to one of those editing groups?
3005253 Hmm... I'm an editor, but I don't edit much anymore after an incident, as for groups, I wouldn't do that. I would choose someone you trust, maybe start a blog with this story attached and see if anyone is looking to help. Then see who you like and who you don't. If you like the person who is looking to edit, then choose them/those people. Anyways, good luck!
3015543 What's weird? Applejack's photo or Grimdark?
Needs some work, but no real problems. Grammar and pacing need a lot of work. Spend more time on things, you seemed to just glance over most of it, and the next point came and went just as fast.
Not bad for a first writing, could be vastly improved though.
what is loss?
baby don't hurt me
don't hurt me
im going to hell
ooo this looks interesting. a twidash from AJs viewpoint could be pretty dang fun to see. And who knows, maybe if we end up lucky it could be an AppleTwiDash as well!
3155846
Wow... I was just humming that to myself as I was skimming the comments!
3155846
No more.
3156377
I'm guessing you didn't get an editor yet, cause I see some "(')s missing. Also, take your time, there's no rush.
Not like I'm going to murder you if there is no chapters soon...
Anyways, a bit rushed, but overall it's doing good.
Suck it Skeeter!
3155996 Those are called AppleDashLight I believe.
Very good start. Will follow this. Just... work on the punctuation? Please? For me?
...
Thank you.
3156784 I'll try. Just for you. ;D
As other people have said, there are a few grammar errors and pacing issues I noticed throughout the first chapter here. I would recommend finding an editor/proofreader or two to help you go through this and catch grammar/pacing issues. A good place to start would probably be the editor's group or even asking around the TwiDash group for some help.
The premise itself is solid. Though maybe the description should have been left a little more ambiguous to keep the readers guessing since you've told us that Rainbow is gonna end up with Twilight and Applejack's just gotta have to deal (or it becomes an AppleDashLight, which is also a win).
I'll stick around to read more for this line alone.
EDIT: Suck it Skeeter
3156984 Yes I was rather proud when I came up with that.
Will someone please tell me what the skeeter thing is about. I know who he is but what's my story got to do with him?
Your "problems" at writing seemed to be the same like mine. Exept for the "english grammar" part (`cause I write in german
)
I write also slow and not regulary. But it doesn´t mean, that it's bad because of this.
Even the story is a little rushed at some points, it´s a nice one. Interesting idea to write a TwiDash-Story with AJ's POV. I´m sensing a lot of trouble coming up.
Some scenes could be further developed, 'cause sometimes there are quick mood changes. But keep up with the good work, and there is no need to hurry.
... Those damn clowns, always shooting water from that stupid little flower...
I can work on grammar and maybe reword a few sentences here and there if you'd like. Just, don't expect anything spectacular, PM me if you want me to edit, though I already have a lot on my plate so I'd probably be delayed a couple days for every chapter.
3156784>>3156984
Guys. Guys.
Don't make me take action. Keep it to the stories made by users of that chat, ok?
Thanks.
Sorry about that.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3170556 Oh fiiine. If you insist.
3227068 Yeah... I'm very slow. Also lazy
. Also just got a job as a prereader in the Over Extensive Editors group so I have been helping someone else write their story instead of mine 
. Still go check out The Lunar Samurai's story solar eclipse. I am helping with the sequel and he actually has less views than me, so go forth minions. New chapter sometime next week. Hoping for 3000 words. Oh well here goes 
.
Finally~!
It is.
It.
IS!
assets.diylol.com/hfs/42d/383/30e/resized/gomez-addams-meme-generator-i-m-feeling-much-better-now-841d26.jpg
Damn it Meme, Y U GRAMMAR ERROR!3274218 Does that mean it is better, or too much dialogue?
3274958 The story is getting much better. Much more interesting
in a factin my opinion, than the first couple chapters. This shows that your writing ability is getting better. Good job!So the story was of to a rough start in the beginning, but it improved a lot.
The setting for the story is interesting, Twidash fic through AJ's eyes.
Now to some stuff:
A) All chapters need cleaning up. Lots of punctuation mistakes (mostly too many or too less commas).
B) There are also some grammar mistakes. Just throw it at some proofreader's face, he'll fix then problem A) and B).
C) You change reappearing things like names sometimes. (Like BigIntosh and later Big Macintosh)
D) This is mainly just personal opinions and taste, so:
D.1) In chapter 3 you mention the Philharmonica Family and right after Lyra's family. Mention Lyra's family as well by the family name, due to it bieng on the same level as Philharmonica. I hope you see my point.
D.2) and this is something, every writer will tell you something different. Try to add more spaces with lines, it gives the story more structure and makes it easier to read, in MY OPINION.
I gotta say I really liked this chapter.
From AJ forcing Dash to talk to Twilight, Twilight offering to act so Dash wouldn't have to say whatever she "wanted" to say, and then Twilight trying to process it all.
Finally got around to reading this, although I should of read this sooner.
Anyway, this story has a nice premise going for it, and I find it very interesting. I've never seen quite a story layered like this before, with AJ on the outside with Twidash potentially happening in the thick of things.
I'll patiently be waiting for the next installment for this story. Take your time Jack, I'm sure it'll be good when you get it out.
P.S. If you'd like some help for pre-reading this story I'd be happy to help. I'm not a pre-reader on a regular basis, but I've done it before. Besides, you're helping me, it's the least I could do.
Just got into thiz today, and read the whole thing, I think you did very well for not having a proofreader. As stated above this does need a bit of work, ut I cant say anything, im never gonna use an editor. Can't wait for the update! Take your time though. Rushing is bad, trust me