What is loss?

by auramane

Confusion

Big Mac wandered down the stairs wondering where Applejack had run off to. She had taken a long while to get to sleep last night. He'd felt sure that she would sleep for hours. He'd felt bad about leaving her, but farm work still had to be done. Her hair ties were gone from her room which meant she had probably gone out to Ponyville or somewhere, but there was no sign of her having had breakfast and Applejack was not one to miss meals.
He absentmindedly wandered through the kitchen, fixing himself something to eat and wondering where she could have gone. He looked out of the window thoughtfully. She's probably just gone out with her friends or something, he told himself. She probably just woke up late, saw that everyone was gone and left.
He looked down at his plate feeling slightly lost. She had always come to him with her problems, and Mac liked to think of himself as the model big brother, always open, always willing to help. He wasn't used to her hiding things from him. He just hoped that she would open up to him soon.

"Come on Rainbow" Applejack grunted as she pushed rainbow towards the door of the library. "Ah thought you said you was gonna do this today.”
“I am”, she yelped. “Just gimme a few minutes. Why are you in such a hurry anyway?”
“Because if I give you enough time to think about this then you’ll start to have second thoughts.”
“Applejack, you gotta have more faith in me than that.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “You say that”, she grunted, “while yer tryin’ to fly away and Ah’m holdin’ you to the ground and pushing you to the library.”
“Hey I need time to think.”
“Rainbow, before this we were standing in the middle of town for half an hour letting you ‘think’. You said you were ready. Isn’t this the reason you wanted me here anyway, to make you do it?”
Rainbow stopped pushing and sighed “yeah…”
“Come on sugarcube, ya just gotta go in there and do it. Ah know yer nervous but really it would just be better to get it over with.”
Rainbow took a deep breath. “Alright AJ, if you’re sure.”
Well it’d have to be better than what I got myself into, wouldn’t it, she groused to herself.

Applejack shook her head. Ah am goin’ insane. She looked up at Rainbow.
“Uh… Aj, you okay? You seemed to be kinda zoned out there.”
“Yeah… Just thinkin’.” She smiled half-heartedly.
“AJ, come on, I’m the one who's meant to be nervous here.”
“You are nervous Rainbow. I can almost see you shaking.”
“Yeah well maybe I am, but still, you aren’t meant to be nervous at all”
“Ah never said Ah was nervous.”
“Well stop looking so nervous. It’s not so good for my confidence right now.”
“Yeah OK… speaking of which, why haven’t you gone inside yet. We’ve been standing outside for a while now. The other ponies are starting to stare.”
Rainbow dash nodded and opened her mouth as if to speak, when suddenly a blinding magenta light flashed around them both.
They materialised a little bit off the ground in Twilight’s library. Inexplicably, they remained in the air comically flailing for a second or two before plummeting to the ground.
Applejack groaned. “Ow… Twilight could ya please not do that? We were about to come in anyway.”
“Sorry, but you were standing out there for a while and I also saw Rainbow trying to run away, so I thought I should get you in so you could make her talk to me about whatever she doesn’t want to.”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack both looking at each other blushed.
“Uh, well Twilight, Ah think Ah should just leave Rainbow here and she can talk about her… uh… her thing.” She disentangled herself from Rainbow Dash’s body, pointedly ignoring Rainbow’s pleading eyes. ‘Help me’, they seemed to say. “Now Twilight, Rainbow here has something she need to tell you, so don’t let her go until she does. Ah’m staying out front until Rainbow says what she needs to.
“Okay”, said Twilight uncertainly.
“So uh… yeah, Ah’m gonna wait outside.” Applejack quickly trotted out and shut the door behind her.”

Rainbow and Twilight stood opposite each other, Rainbow blushing and looking at the floor and Twilight with her head cocked inquisitively, smiling.
"Uhh..."
Twilight laughed. "Oh come on Rainbow, you can talk to me. Just because I'm a princess now everyone's been really uptight around me. It was kind of funny at first but frankly now it's just boring. You, Applejack and Pinkie Pie are the only ones who’ve gotten over it. Rarity still won’t stop treating me like a princess and Fluttershy seems to be terrified of me. You and Applejack just got over it really quickly and Pinkie Pie… well, she’s Pinkie Pie.”
Rainbow’s face cracked into a grin. “Yeah, I don’t think she’ll ever change.”
“Well?”, prompted Twilight, happy to see Rainbow smiling again. “What is so horrible that you can’t tell me?”
Rainbow looked down, scratching the back of her neck and starting to blush again. “Hopefully you won’t think it’s too bad” she mumbled.
Now Twilight was concerned. “Come on Rainbow, is it really that bad? What did you do?”
“Why do you automatically assume I did something?”
“Well what else could it possibly be?”
“Uhh…”
Twilight sighed. “Rainbow, why does Applejack want you to talk to me, and why don’t you want me to find out about it. You say you didn’t do anything. Fine. Please just tell me what’s wrong.”
“Um… It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Come on Rainbow, it can’t be that bad. If it was really that bad Applejack wouldn’t be making you talk to me about it.
“Uhh… yeah, maybe.”
“Well, come on, hurry up.”
“Uhh… well, I… umm… kinda… umm…”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “If you really don’t want to you don’t have to. I could just pretend you told me. So, how should I react?”
“Huh?”
“Come on, tell me how I should react to your news. I’ll just shout a bit and fume for a few days. Then Applejack will think you told me whatever it is.”
Rainbow blushed an even deeper shade of red. Shaking her head, she said “I don’t think that’ll work.”
“Oh come on, I’ve gotten much better at acting. I had to take lessons with Cadence after I nearly exploded during a meeting with the Canterlot council. Stuck up, annoying, ungrateful...” Her voice turned into quiet grumblings.
“Nah, I mean I have no idea how you’d react.”
“Well, then I guess you’ll just have to tell me.”
“Okay… Just give me a minute.”
Rainbow walked glumly over to the opposite side of the library. She sat herself down in front of a wall with Twilight watching her worriedly.
Come on Rainbow. Its just the mare of your dreams, you can act normally around her. Just tell her. It’s not that hard. She took a deep breath and grabbed a quick not-so-furtive look over her shoulder.
Twilight was looking at her with concern in her eyes. Damn it. Now she thinks I did something really bad. Rainbow took a deep breath.
"Uhh... well, the thing is I kinda, umm... I... Ikindofhaveacrushonyou", she said, exhaling through the whole second half of her sentence.
Twilight blinked. "Sorry what did you say? I didn't quite get that."
Rainbow groaned and buried her head in her hooves. "I said, I... I kind of have a crush on you.” She closed her eyes. When she didn’t hear anything, she looked up to see Twilight with a bemused look on her face.
“Come on Rainbow, good joke, but you really have to tell me what it is. Now I’m really curious.”
“Uhh… I wasn’t joking…”
“Rainbow, come on. You could at least try to come up with something more likely. I mean, why would you want to be with me? I’m an ‘egghead’, remember? We’re almost complete opposites.”
“That doesn’t mean this was a joke…”
“Hmm.”
“Yeah.”
“Wow… you were being serious weren’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Uhh…”
“Yeah.”
“Well… Uhh… I don’t know what to say.”
They both stood in awkward silence, Twilight staring at Rainbow, Rainbow hiding behind her hooves. After what seemed like hours, Rainbow snuck a look at Twilight. Her face was screwed in that cute way it did when she was trying (and failing) to come up with the answer to a problem.
“Well, I guess i’m gonna go now”, she sighed getting up shakily. Twilight still seemed to be speechless, looking off into space. Rainbow’s last shred of hope was torn away when Twilight didn’t react. Sighing, she walked over to the door. She opened the door and was just about to step outside when a familiar magenta aura wrapped around her for the second time that day. "Huh?" Was all she had time to say before she disappeared.
With a pop, she again appeared a few centimetres above the ground. Again she flailed as she fell to the ground except this time, instead of falling onto a hard wooden floor, she fell onto a soft patch of grass. Rainbow looked around, disorientated after her second teleport that day.
With a flash and a pop Twilight appeared in front of her looking very confused.
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“Why me?”
“What d’ya mean?”
“I mean you like me. You. Like. Me,” said Twilight, gesturing wildly between Rainbow and herself. “Why me?” said Twilight as she started to pace. She paused for a second, thinking. “I mean,” she continued, still pacing, “you’re a fit, athletic pony, probably going to become a member of the Wonderbolts at some point and I’m just an introverted bookworm.”
“Uhh…” was all that Rainbow said, racking her brains to come up with a reason that would satisfy the librarian princess. “I don’t really know why… It just seemed to hit me a few days ago. You probably noticed how I was spending way more time with you than normal.”
Twilight, who had stopped pacing at this point, nodded at Rainbow still looking confused.
“Yeah, well, uhh… I did too and I was wondering why I didn’t really want to spend time with anypony else and why I didn’t seem to mind being bored when you went into lecture mode or anything. So I was thinking and then it just hit me. I… I had a, umm, crush on you,” she said, her voice trailing off almost to a whisper at the end.
“And, ahh, is that why you stopped coming around a few days ago?” asked Twilight, looking down as she shuffled her hooves around in the soft grass.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow, blushing furiously.
“Uhh… Rainbow?”
“Yeah, I know that I didn’t answer your question. I don’t really know why. I just realized that I liked spending time with you more than anypony else and then it hit me. After that I just kind of, uhh, avoided you, trying to figure this out.”
“But… but, but, but it doesn’t make sense!” She was almost shouting and gesticulating wildly with her hooves and wings. “Nopony’s ever liked me like that! I mean yeah, there were all those stupid suitors who came up to canterlot trying to ‘marry into royalty’ but no-one’s ever really, properly liked me like that.”
“You had stallions hitting on you in Canterlot!?”
“Mares too,” sighed Twilight. “Most of the Canterlot Nobility is only concerned with money and power. There are a few families like the Philharmonica family or Lyra's family, they’re pretty nice but the rest don't care at all for other ponies." Her mouth curled up into a grin. “One of the reasons that I almost lost it at that council meeting is that one of the stallions on the council was hitting on me for the whole time. He was awful.”
“Hmph!” snorted Rainbow. “Well, no matter how bad he was he could not be anywhere near as bad as the amazing Rainbow Dash.”
Twilight stifled a giggle with a hoof to her mouth as Rainbow’s expression changed from one of confidence to one of absolute and utter horror.
“No! I… I didn’t… Thats not… Graaah!” Rainbow’s face turned bright red.
“Well Rainbow, this has been quite the confession.” giggled Twilight.
“Urrgh… Damn it!” moaned Rainbow. “I think I’m gonna go hide now.”
“Rainbow come on, it wasn’t that bad.”
“I literally said exactly the opposite of what I meant to say and it made me sound stupid, I think it’s pretty bad.” Rainbow’s lips turned up in a small grin. “Besides acting stupid probably loses a lot more points with you than with anypony else, ya know, with you being a genius and everything.”
“Hey, I’m not that bad,” said Twilight defensively.
“Come on Twi,” said Rainbow, her confident smirk returning. “We all see you rolling your eyes whenever you have to explain something to someone. It’s really funny when it’s not me.” Her grin faltered. “It’s usually me though…”
Twilight opened her mouth as if to speak, before she flushed bright red as she realised that rainbow was right.
“Come on Rainbow, you know I don’t mean it like that… You’re just more…”
“Stupid?”
“No! You’re just curious.”
“Pfft,” snorted Rainbow. “Well thanks for being so nice, you know, with letting me down gently and all but-”
“W-what do you mean!?”
“You know, shooting me down but being really nice about it because you don't like hurting anypony and that’s one of the things I like about you and I’m gonna stop talking now,” babbled Rainbow. “Bye-bye gotta go now see ya.” She took of and started flying in the general direction of Ponyville.
“Hey, wait, Rainbow, don’t go. I never said no!”
Suddenly, in a blur of colour, Rainbow was back in front of her, eyes wide and hopeful. “Does that mean yes? Does it?”
“Uhh… I don’t know.”
Rainbow Dash’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Wuh? Uhh… I don’t get it.”
“I… I just need to think for a while. I don’t know… I haven’t really been processing this very well.” She tapped her hoof against the ground nervously. “I’ve been diverting the subject and I’m sorry but… I just don’t know how to react.”
Rainbow blinked. “So, you’re not saying no… but you’re not saying yes. What does that mean?”
“I-it means… I don’t know what it means. I just need some time to think.” Twilight groaned and put her head in a hoof. “I’m… I’m sorry but I can’t answer you at the moment.”
“Okay… So, will, uhh, will I go now?” asked Rainbow, disappointment creeping back into her eyes.
“Arrgh,” moaned Twilight. “Why is this so hard!?” Twilight got up and started to pace again. “I feel like anything I say is gonna make this worse.”
“Twilight, have you been listening to me talk? I don’t think you could really make it much worse.”
Twilight slowed down but remained pacing. An awkward silence descended on them. After a few uncomfortable minutes, Rainbow Dash got up with a sigh.
“Well, I’m gonna go home and try to forget that I did this.” With that she started flapping forlornly, all of her usual energy and enthusiasm for flying gone. She flew slowly, flapping towards Ponyville with a heavy heart.

Twilight wondered whether or not to call after her before deciding not to. What would she say? She watched as Rainbow flew off in the general direction of Ponyville. As soon as she was safely out of earshot, she collapsed to the ground groaning.
“Urgh.” Why me? Why did she have to crush on me? I don’t know what to do. Do I like Rainbow Dash? I don’t know! She’s my friend. I’ve never thought about any of them that way. I’ve never thought about anypony that way. Do I even like mares? I’m not sure. I never really bothered to try and figure that out…
“Arrgh.” Okay I have to go home. Things will be clearer when I’ve had some time to think. Okay, let’s go. She stood up, horn glowing and teleported.
She reappeared inside the library with an angry Applejack looking at her.
“Missy, what have you done?”
“Huh?”
“Did ya say no?”
Is she hopeful? “No I didn’t.”
Applejack’s ears seemed to droop slightly. “So, ya said yes?”
“Not exactly”
“What does that mean?” asked Applejack with a confused look on her face.
“I… I don’t know. I didn’t know how to react, so I just kinda told her that I would have to think about it.”
“uhh-huh… Yeah well, she didn’t seem to take it so well.”
“What!?”
“Well she flew up to her house a few seconds before you teleported here, and, uhh… she seemed to be, ya know, crying.”
“WHAT!?”
“W-well, ya know, she was flying quickly so I couldn’t really see her very well and uhh, ya know, I, uhh, definitely didn’t hear her crying or anything.”
“Applejack, you really are a terrible liar,” groaned Twilight as she slid down onto her carpet. “What do I do? I don’t know what to say to her! I came back here to think, and now I’m just even more confused.”
Applejack sighed. “Well, Ah know you didn’t mean to hurt her. Ah’ll just go home now and leave you to think. Just… just be careful with her. She’s more delicate than she lets on. With that applejack backed out of the library, closing the door.
Twilight stayed slumped on the floor in the middle of the library for a long time, thinking, however even when Spike came back in the evening the answer was no clearer. What do I do? she thought. How do I fix this?