Chapter 11
My worst enemy...
Fanfic by Englishwitch
Chapter 11
The final bell of the day rang. The fillies and colts of Ponyville school raced out to the freedom of the fresh air and sunshine.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders ran in their group. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were much more willing to hang around with Apple Bloom now that she wasn’t attached to Diamond Tiara.
“What do ya say to a milkshake at Sugar Cube Corner?” Scootaloo suggested.
Apple Bloom licked her lips, “sounds great.”
Behind them, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon cantered along at a casual pace, trading their gossip and laughing at their own private jokes. Diamond stopped for a second as she passed the crusaders. Apple Bloom stopped and looked at her too. Scootaloo narrowed her eyes, her hackles raising, while Sweetie Belle’s ears flattened against her head.
“I guess I’ll see you back at the farm.” Diamond said to Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom nodded, “Yeah, see ya later.”
Diamond trotted off, Silver Spoon right behind her.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle shared looks of confusion. Diamond Tiara had passed them by without a single joke, insult or even a dirty glance. It was almost scary.
“C’mon, let’s get those milkshakes, I’m thinkin’ vanilla.”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed in a stunned silence. It was several seconds before Scootaloo broke the silence. “What the hay did you do to her?”
Apple Bloom looked confused. “Nuthin’.”
Scootaloo shook her head in disbelief. “No way Diamond is that nice, what happened?”
Apple Bloom laughed lightly. “Ah ain’t done nuthin, we just kinda came to an understandin’.”
Scootaloo continued to look doubtful. Finally Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, “Kay, but y’all gotta promise not to tell nopony, if Applejack or Filthy Rich found out we’d get in lotsa trouble.”
Both fillies nodded their heads. Apple Bloom didn’t consider it as binding as a Pinkie Promise, but it was good enough. “Okay, it started when Diamond broke her tooth. We di’nt go to the dentist, we went to the Everfree forest instead...”
...***...
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stared in awe across the table at Apple Bloom. Their milkshakes were temporarily forgotten.
“That was...awesome!” Scootaloo’s eyes were so wide they were almost popping out of her head. “So cool, I can’t believe you had such an awesome adventure with Diamond Tiara of all ponies.”
“It sounded scary.” Sweetie commented.
Apple Bloom shrugged. “It was when we was gettin’ chased. But after we fell down that pit all that mattered was gettin’ out again.”
Scootaloo was so excited she was almost bouncing on the spot. “C’mon, a death-defying chase though the Everfree forest, escaping from Timberwolves and gettin’ your worst enemy on your side,” she glanced down towards Apple Bloom’s back leg, “I can’t believe you didn’t get a cutie mark from that.”
“Never thought about it,” Apple Bloom glanced at her flank, “but what kinda cutie could all that have earned?”
“A running away cutie mark?” Sweetie Belle suggested.
“An escape cutie mark?” Scootaloo chimed in.
Apple Bloom laughed, “a running away from Timberwolves cutie mark?”
Scootaloo’s wings fluttered in her excitement, “having a Timberwolf on your flank would look so cool.”
Sweetie Belle sniffed deeply, “hey, anypony else smell burnt hair?”
“Apple Bloom!”
The three crusaders froze, turning slowly to the source of the yell. Applejack and Filthy Rich were fighting for position in the doorway, both wanting to be the first into Sugar Cube Corner. They pushed and shoved and growled insults to each other until, finally, Applejack shoved Filthy aside with one mighty push and jumped through the door before he could recover.
With Filthy in tow Applejack strode across the Sugarcube floor, her face tightened in anger. “Y’all in big trouble little lady.”
Apple Bloom shrank back slightly, a nervous smile on her face. “Hi Applejack,” she laughed nervously, “hi Mr Rich.”
“Apple Bloom,” he said coldly, barely giving her the smallest of nods, “where’s Diamond Tiara?” he looked around as though expecting to see his daughter somewhere in Sugar Cube Corner.
“She ain’t here, she went visitin’ Silver Spoon after school.” Apple Bloom didn’t like the look of annoyance that played over his face. She wondered if he’d hoped Diamond would be here, then both fillies could be yelled at and punished together.
The smell of burnt hair grew stronger, all three crusaders wrinkled their noses. Applejack seemed to know what their problem was, held up her hoof and the rope bound to it, the fur was singed and darkened by soot. It didn’t look serious, but it did look painful. The rope itself, however, was completely in tact. “Turns out dragon fire ain’t even good even against magic rope. Spike was more than obligin’. After he sent a letter to Twilight he tried to burn off the rope for us.”
“Spike’s runnin’ the library on his own?” Apple Bloom pressed.
Applejack nodded, “Someone needs to look after the place while Twilight is away -” Filthy gave her a sharp prod in the ribs with his hoof. Applejack stopped mid-sentence, her eyes narrowing, “don’t try and change the subject on me missy. You get yourself home, we’re gonna have a long talk ‘bout you and your behaviour.”
Apple Bloom’s ears flattened against her head.
POP
A colourful cloud of confetti rained down on them all, followed a second later by a pink blur of a frizzy mane popping up from under the table, appearing at Apple Bloom’s side. “Hey there!” Pinkie said with her usual enthusiastic smile. “I saw frownie faces. No frownie faces allowed at Sugar Cube Corner.” With lightning quick speed she placed cardboard party hats on every ponies head. “So I thought I’d come over here and fix that.”
Filthy Rich yanked the party hat of his head, tossing it to the ground without care. Pinkie didn’t seem to notice his disrespect of her party supplies. “If you don’t mind miss Pie, we’re trying to talk with Apple Bloom.”
Pinkie pouted, but there was a cheeky smile creeping into the corners of her lips, “aww c’mon, I just wanna see you smile.”
Applejack shook her head and took the party hat off the top of her stetson. “Not right now Pinkie, Apple Bloom’s in trouble.”
Pinkie giggled, “why, because of the tying you up prank?” she giggled and looked to Apple Bloom, “really good by the way,” then she turned her attention to Applejack, “C’mon AJ, you had Apple Bloom tied up and she managed to get you back with the same prank, that was really, really funny and no-pony got hurt.”
“You got it all wrong Pinkie,” Applejack assured her, “when I tied Apple Bloom to Diamond Tiara it was to get the two of ‘em to work together. What she did with me and Filthy t’weren’t helpful atall. It stopped both of us gettin’ work done and left us fightin’.” she snapped her mouth shut but it was too late, she had revealed the one thing she hadn’t wanted Apple Bloom to find out.
The filly looked at her with a mixture of surprise and amusement. “After all the talkin’ y’all did ‘bout gettin’ along you were fightin’ with Filthy Rich?”
“You don’t understand.” Filthy said harshly, “you interfered with our jobs, neither one of us could get any work done because of what you two did.”
“Filthy,” Applejack snapped at him, “Ah don’t like your tone. Y’all agreed to let me handle Apple Bloom and you could handle Diamond Tiara.” she looked at Apple Bloom for a second, but then turned back to Filthy as she decided she had more to say. “anyway, ah only couldn’t get my work done ‘cause you were fightin’ and complainin’ all the time. I was fine buckin’ trees ‘cept you were complainin ‘bout you precious store.”
Filthy Rich glared at Applejack, unblinking, “you know my business is precious, money from my business has been helping you pay your bills, we sell your apples, you think your little market stall and cider season brings in the money that keeps your farm going? HA! If it weren’t for y family your farm would’ve gone under a long time ago.”
Applejack’s eyes burned angrily, “You-”
“Oooh,” Pinkie popped up between them, he constant smile beamed like a spotlight upon them, “sounds like two ponies have got a bad case of the grumpy wumpies,” she giggled, “if you ask me you two could do with taking your own advice and learn to get along.”
Apple Bloom nodded in agreement, “yeah, you made it sound real important Diamond Tiara and me get along and here y’all are, fightin’ worse than me and her did.”
Pinkie appeared next to Apple Bloom, nodding along with the filly. “Smart little egg on this Apple’s head,” she tapped Apple Bloom’s head gently, “you get some flour, water and put her in the oven and you get yourself one smart Apple pie.”
“Stop encouragin’ her Pinkie. Apple Bloom it’s diff’rent for adults. it’s...” she glanced at Pinkie, then at the store and realised just how much of a crowd their loud discussion was beginning to attract. “we’ll talk ‘bout this at home. C’mon now.”
She found the party hat back on her head. “C’mon AJ, stay and have a cheer up and forgive Apple Bloom party. It’ll make you feel better.”
Filthy Rich tugged on the rope, “We’re not staying Pinkie,” he tried to move for the door, “Applejack, get your sister and let’s go.”
Applejack tugged back, pulling him to a halt, “I’ll go in my own time Filthy.” she growled angrily. She looked back at her friend, her sister and the two other crusaders, “Pinkie, we ain’t stayin’. Apple Bloom, home. Now. Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, sorry, but Apple Bloom is grounded until Twilight is able to come and get this rope off us.”
The three fillies and Pinkie, let out long awwww’s. Applejack was unfazed, she had been on the receiving end of Apple Bloom’s cute face far too often for it to have much power over her any more.
Filthy Rich pushed Applejack aside and glared at Apple Bloom. “She said, now!”
Apple Bloom sighed and looked at her friends, “guess we gotta wait a little longer before we go crusadin’ again.” she moved away from the table and followed Applejack and Filthy Rich. The adults barely noticed her presence anymore, they were too busy delving into a fresh argument.
“That what you call leavin’ me to handle Apple Bloom?” Applejack growled, “maybe I’ll show y’all how I can stay outta your business with Diamond Tiara.”
“You just try and interfere and-”
Apple Bloom tried to tune them out.
...***...
Something hard jabbed Apple Bloom in her side. She groaned quietly and rolled over. She was being dragged to reality but she wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep was good.
The hard thing jabbed her again. “Hey, c’mon, it’s time to get up.”
Apple Bloom forced her eyes to open. Diamond Tiara was awake, out of bed and looked like she was halfway though brushing her mane.
“I’m still asleep.” Apple Bloom muttered, “ain’t no way you’re up and about before me.”
Diamond smiled cockily, “well keep dreaming blank flank, because this dream up, ready and on her way to breakfast.” she stuck out her tongue before turning her attention back to her reflection. She moved her brush slowly through her mane as she counted, “56, 57, 58,”
Apple Bloom moved the pillow over her head in a vain attempt to shut out the noise of Diamond’s counting. It was a move all in vain, the noise seemed to be bypassing the feather down of the pillow and running straight into her ears. Finally she snapped, “Can you count in your head?”
Diamond threw her a look, “can you count?” she smirked at her own joke then put the brush down on the vanity. “as much as I’d like to continue this riveting conversation, I’m off to get something to eat before I have to start the slave labour, I mean, the chores.” she stuck her tongue at Apple Bloom again and trotted out of the room.
Apple Bloom groaned quietly and forced herself to sit up. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the back of her hoof she managed to make her way over to the vanity without bumping into anything. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, wondering where the dark marks that had settled under her eyes had come from.
When the duo of Applejack and Filthy Rich had tracked down Diamond Tiara they had taken both fillies home and had yelled up a storm. They still argued and bickered and seemed to be able to unite when it came to punishment.
After a long, and loud, lecture about what the two of them had done wrong Apple Bloom and Diamond had finally been grounded. They would only be allowed to leave the farmhouse to do chores and go to school. At all other times they were to stay indoors, preferably in their shared bedroom.
There had been no response from Twilight, so for the moment it seemed that she wouldn’t be rushing back to Ponyville to free Applejack and Filthy Rich. Most likely she would be arriving back in Ponyville at the end of the week; about three more days.
Apple Bloom grabbed her bow then hesitated, her eyes caught by Diamond Tiara’s hairbrush. She glanced to the door conspiratorially. Maybe just this once, not that she’d let Diamond Tiara know. It had left her mane feeling silkier and it had certainly been more cooperative and less knotted. She put the bow down and grabbed the brush. “1,2,3,”
...***...
The tension around the breakfast table could be cut with a knife. Applejack and Filthy Rich were doing their best to pretend the other didn’t exist. They were still angry at the fillies and wouldn’t talk to them. Big Mac, who was silent at the best of times, couldn’t think of anything to say that might even come close to being able to break the tension.
As near as the fillies could understand, Applejack and Filthy had spent a very awkward night sharing a bed, lying back to back, neither one able to move without disturbing the other.
After the rough night came the awkwardness of the morning routine. Apparently using the bathroom had been a major embarrassment to the both of them. Although Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara had to both stifle giggles at the thought of that. They were still young fillies and the embarrassment translated into humour for them. The only thing stopping them laughing out loud was the prospect of further punishments from furious family.
Breakfast was a much more humble affair than was usual in the Apple household. Neither Applejack nor Filthy Rich had contributed, they were unwilling to work together even on such simple tasks. The whole task had been left to Big Mac, who had produced long racks of toast with a selection of preserves and a large bowl of scrambled eggs.
Apple Bloom tried to keep herself as small and unobtrusive as possible as she entered the room. Applejack caught her in her gaze all the same. “nice of you to finally join us missy. Ah suggest y’all eat up quick, ‘cause you gots lots of chores to do before you leave for school.”
Apple Bloom hung her head as she took her place. “Yes Applejack.”
Applejack eyed her with suspicion. Even in her angry and sleep deprived state she noticed that Apple Bloom’s mane was different that usual today, shinier and fuller with no tangles. Almost like Diamond Tiara’s. “Maybe y’all can start with scrubbin’ out the cider barrels. All of ‘em.”
Apple Bloom dropped the piece of toast that had been halfway to her mouth, “but there’s, like, a hundred barrels, it’ll take forever.”
Applejack took a sip of coffee before replying, “then ah suggest y’all work quickly. You ain’t leavin’ the farm ‘till all the chores is done. If that makes y’all late for school you’ll have no pony but yourselfs to blame.”
Big Mac cleared his throat, “AJ, don’t y’all think-” the twin glares of Applejack and Filthy silenced him before he could get started.
“Big McIntosh,” Filthy said curtly, “when you get hog-tied to an annoying, stubborn mule you can contribute an opinion, but until then, leave the punishments to us.”
AJ turned on Filthy, “y’all callin’ be a stubborn mule now?”
Rich met her gaze, “it’s better than what I was really thinking. Lucky for you some ponies are too polite to use foul language in front of fillies.”
Applejack huffed, “now y’all implyin’ ah go cursin’ in front of fillies? Anythin’ else y’all wanna say Rich? Ah really wanna make sure you earn the busted nose I’m about to give ya.”
Filthy Rich gave her a derisive snort, “you just try it and I’ll-”
“Oh, SHUT UP!”
Big Mac reared himself up on his hind hooves as he bellowed down at them. At his full height his head brushed the ceiling. When he landed it was with a hard and heavy stomp that made the table shake. Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara hid underneath the table, huddled together; although they would deny that detail in the retelling.
Applejack and Filthy Rich stared in shock and more than a little fear at Mac, as though they had noticed for the first time just how large and strong he was. His bulk seemed magnified by his anger. “Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves, both of you,” he snapped the two adults, “you’re actin’ like a couple of spoiled foals. Throwin’ your little tantrums just ‘cause thing ain’t gone the way you wanted. What kinda example do y’all think your settin’ for Apple Bloom an’ Diamond Tiara? All y’all been tellin’ ‘em is that they hafta get along and work together, to learn to like each other and co-operate. Yet the second y’all are given the chance not jus’ to tell ‘em but to show ‘em how it’s done y’all end up fightin’ and bickerin’ worse than they did. If y’all ain’t ashamed of yourselves then I’m ashamed for you. ‘cos right now them two fillies is actin’ more like adults than the adults are.”
“Big Mac-”
“Don’t Big Mac me Applejack,” he snapped, “gettin’ tied up ain’t what you deserved, but it sure as hay is yella is what you need.” he took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “if y’all don’t learn to get along maybe I’ll give you two a night in the barn and see how you like it.”
His face suddenly appeared under the table and he looked at Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara with his usual gentile expression. “C’mon you two, how ‘bout we go get breakfast at the café today. We can leave these two foals to see if they can learn to behave.”
Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara were more than happy for an excuse to leave. They practically left clouds of dust behind them as they raced out the door.
Big McIntosh walked out with a gentle and slow pace. He didn’t look at the two ponies, nor said another word to them as he left.
Applejack lowered her head, hiding her eyes under the brim of her hat. Filthy Rich’s ears were flattened against his head. The awkward silence built up between them for almost a full minute and when they spoke, it was at the same time.
“I’m sorry.” twin blushes rose on their faces.
Filthy managed to jump in before Applejack could talk again. “No, Applejack, I’m sorry. You were right. Barnyard Bargains doesn’t need me in the office every day. It wasn’t right of me to try and drag you away from the farm and all the important work that you need to do around here. I should have helped you, not fought against you.”
Applejack adjusted her hat with a nudge of her hoof them shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. Not about Barnyard Bargains, I was right along on that,” they both managed a light laugh, “but ah said a lotta hurtful things Rich and none of ‘em were true. And ah shouldn’ta tried to force y’all into doin’ it my way all along. Your my neighbour, but more than that, your my friend. Your practic’ly fam’ly and ah shoulda made more of an effort to see things your way, hear you out and maybe even talk it over so we could reach a compromise.”
Rich smiled weakly, “well, how about we agree to forgive and forget? Wipe the slate clean? And work together until we get this rope off?”
Applejack returned the smile, “that’d be great Rich.”
Rich nodded, his smile growing stronger, “well, we’d better eat up, since Big Mac and the girls are gone, we’ve gotta pick up their slack.”
They laughed.
...***...
Slowly and nervously three ponies walked up the dirt road toward Sweet Apple Acres. Big McIntosh with Apple Bloom on one side and Diamond Tiara on the other.
Apple Bloom put a hoof behind her ear, “ah don’t hear no yellin’.”
“Nnope.”
Diamond Tiara looked at Apple Bloom, “can you hear anything through that frizzy mess you call a mane?” the insult was weak and half-hearted at best, both Big Mac and Apple Bloom could tell that. It was just Diamond’s way of coping with her worry.
“Better a frizzy mess than a white streak like ah gone premature grey.” Apple Bloom said with the same half-hearted tone. She was just as worried as Diamond was, perhaps more. When Applejack got really riled up she could make some pretty bad decisions on impulse. What if she and Filthy had argued until they started fighting? Applejack was pretty strong and Filthy Rich didn’t look like a weakling. She had sudden images in her mind of the two of them lying in the middle of the floor, unconscious and covered in bruises.
The house continued to be silent as they approached. The silence was more frightening than anything they could have heard.
As they reached the porch Big McIntosh stopped the two fillies, “y’all just wait a second,”
The two fillies waited without protest as Big Mac climbed onto the porch then nudged the door open with his hoof. A smile broke out on his face and he nodded to Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara, “Okay, y’all can come in.”
Inside Granny Smith was sitting at the table, sipping at a cup of tea, while Filthy Rich and Applejack were standing by the kitchen sink, working together to wash and dry the breakfast dishes. They smiled at the two little ponies as they entered.
“Well hay, there y’all are.” Applejack waved a hoof covered in soap suds, “we was beginnin’ to wonder if y’all had gone right to school.”
Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara gave each other a look. “You’re not mad? Diamond ventured.
Filthy Rich shook his head, “still a little annoyed,” he admitted, “but no darling, not angry. And not fighting anymore.”
“That’s right,” Applejack nodded along, “Fightin’ weren’t gettin’ us nowhere. We decided it was better to get along and work together until we could get the rope off.”
Both fillies stared. “Well how ‘bout that,” Apple Bloom said in disbelief, “they didn’t even need to fall into a hole to figure it out.”
Both adults stopped their dish cleaning and looked at the two ponies intensely, “a what now?” Applejack gave her younger sister an unblinking glare.
Granny Smith broke the tension, “hey, young ‘un,” she waved to Diamond Tiara, “lookie what Applejack and Filthy found in the carrot patch.” she tossed a shining object across the room. Diamond leapt into the air, snatching it in her mouth. She spat it into her hooves as she landed, her eyes widened and she put on a smile to match.
“My Tiara!” Quick as a flash she returned the shining headpiece to its rightful place atop her mane. She breathed a sigh of relief as the familiar and much missed weight settled onto her brow, “Thank you,” she giggled to Granny Smith. “Thank you, thank you,” she repeated to her father and Applejack.”
Applejack waved a hoof dismissively, “T’weren’t nothin’ sugarcube. That silly rabbit couldn’t run properly with it on his head anyhow. Dunno how he gave y’all the slip for so long.”
Apple Bloom gave her a deadpan expression, “maybe because we couldn’t chase ‘em properly when we was tied together.”
“We managed it,” Filthy Rich joked.
The jovial atmosphere was broken by sudden loud clang, clang, clang, echoing on the air. It was the school bell ringing to signal the start of the day.
“Aw heck!” AJ snapped, “y’all gonna be late. Quick, grab your lunches and run. Cut across the north field.”
The two fillies grabbed their saddlebags and yelled hurried goodbyes as they tore out of the door and across the yard into the orchard.
Applejack and Filthy Rich watched them go, both proud of their fillies. Not only for the lessons they’d learned about co-operation they had learnt, but what they had taught their elders in turn. A lesson the adults didn’t even know they’d needed teaching.
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Yay!
That's a much better ending.
It's not what they deserved but it's what they deserve? I think something's wrong with that sentence...
So that's the end.
2574629
Yea, that took me a minute to figure out too. Pretty sure it means that it isn't what they deserved when it first happened to them, but it is what they deserve now that they're acting the way they are.
2574629
thanks for pointin that out, fixed now
Very sweet ending! That Applejack can be quite stubborn, and Filthy thinks he's pretty important (well, he is, but still), but they came to see sense pretty quickly once Big Mac and the girls showed them just how childishly they were acting. Nice! And Diamond Tiara got her tiara back, of course.
Good end.
Though I can't help but feel like something is missing here.
I'm pretty satisfied with how this fic ended, congrats
You know you done bad when Big Mac gets mad at you.
Eeeyyup
because this filly is up, ready, and on her way to breakfast.
Filthy took off his hat.
their already irritated, caretakers.
[Optional]their respective, and very infuriated, caretakers before them[Optional] Just replace infuriated to whatever level of rage those two have.
You can cut out is yella and leave the rest as is, or just so people don't get so confused so much simply replace "but it sure as" to "but as sure as" and put a comma after "yella" (maybe add an "h" to some closer to yellow) and the scene will be a lot more comprehensible.
Also, you went from using "y'all" to "you" a lot during Big Mac's scenes. Breaks the consistency or at least confuses me with whether he is still aiming his sights at both of them or alternating between just AJ and Filth to just AJ on occasion.
This is all I'll put here for now. Normally I don't bother with a typo like of=off sorts, but it is pretty clear you were really eager to get this out there for us and possibly edit those later.
Going to continue the rest of the story so apologies if I don't follow up on more and previous things.
I suppose I'll toss in one last tiny nitpick anyways seeing how it is still grating on me now that I went this far, but when AB and DT dove under the table to huddle within each others' arms/forelegs. You said "but they'd *deny* that part in the retelling." where "they'd leave out that detail out in the retelling." or "they'd later agree to omit that part in the retelling" depending on the way you want to word it. Many forms work just fine, but the denying it part would imply if anyone mentioned that part to them that they'd deny it.
Well, that went beyond one simple sentence. BTW loved the morning after scene. AB really must of had a rough night of things to prevent her from getting enough sleep. Anxiety's a killer I tell ya. Also, much d'aww at the brushie scene <3
That was a pretty warm ending there. Nice and open ended too. After all, point was to get along and not so much getting the Rich family back home. That can already be implied with the fact Rich already mentioned when they'd be able to move back in during some earlier chapters.
Tied up a lot of stuff and AJ and Rich finally managed to learn their lesson and not be so foalish.
This was a great story. Thanks for adding a conclusion to it all. I think people can piece the rest from here.
What a turbulent little adventure we had here. It all worked out pretty darn good by the end of it all. Much
d'awws were had throughout.
2578905
can I hire you to be my proof reader?
I've enjoyed reading this story and I'm so glad you took the time to write it.
2581257 Flattered. That's usually a lot of work, but if serious, I guess it wouldn't hurt. I just try not to take in more than I can handle at a time.
I just stayed up until almost 2 in the morning, and I have work in 4 and a half hours... And you know what? I don't regret it, at least not really (i'm tired as high hell, but hey).
I'm thumbing this up and favoriting it.
Five out of Five Big Mac's for this story.
After her house burns down, Diamond and her dad move into Sweet Apple Acres. After arriving, Diamond is forced to adapt to the bucolic lifestyle of the Apple family, waking up at the rooster's crow and assisting in a hodgepodge of manual labor that results in mud on her hooves and a milk bucket on her head. Apple Bloom and Diamond bicker constantly, making the work all the more difficult. At school, Diamond denies all claims that she's living there and ends up humiliated for a time once the secret gets out. Then, through a moment of crisis, possibly involving the Everfree Forest and its indigenous creatures, Apple Bloom and Diamond come to better understand one another and realize they're not so different after all.
I drew up this mental story outline after reading the story description. I wanted to see how you went about spicing up the general "Rich Girl at the Farm" formula, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that the story quickly took on a flavor of its own without becoming an informal retelling of Cow Belles. One of the key elements I noted about this story is that Diamond learning to live on the farm isn't the true focus. The focus is on the conflict between Diamond and Apple Bloom, which means basic farm hijinks take backseat to verbal and physical disagreements. As the cover art would imply, the bickering between the two makes up the core of the story. It's a definite breath of fresh air to what my proposed outline had in mind.
I also find it interesting that you decided to take your own original spin on the characters of Diamond and Apple Bloom. Seeing as how they are your two main characters, taking alternate routes with their characterization is an interesting idea. Generally, when I see Apple Bloom and Diamond-centric stories, Apple Bloom is set up as the innocent martyr who can do no wrong, her only flaw being that her ocean of patience can't completely envelope the unforgivably villainous behemoth that is Diamond Tiara. However, the Apple Bloom of this story is set up to propose more of an actual rivalry between the two. She's spiteful, vengeful even, and has no qualms with insulting and attacking Diamond right back if she feels offended. She's also much less innocent and ignorant than one would imagine, having an in-depth knowledge of the Everfree Forest, Diamond Dogs, and proper methods of escaping deep pits. I could say she seems too skilled and well-rounded to still have no cutie mark, particularly given Diamond's characterization, but who really knows enough about those things to be sure?
When building a successful rivalry, it's all a matter of balance. One half has what the other lacks, one side excels in what the other fails in, and when it comes to their weapon of choice, both are roughly identical in skill. When the rivalry involves the have-not vs. the have, the trade-off is usually physical stamina and strength with proper grooming habits and social skills. The most common variety I've seen is more of a brain vs. brawn sort of clash with maybe some gymnastics and street smarts keeping things from being too one-dimensional. That being said, the rivalry between Apple Bloom and Diamond is partly balanced, but the talent pool does spill over in Apple Bloom's favor.
Diamond's characterization is that of your everyday daddy's girl. As is made perfectly clear, she's never worked a day in her life, and her ignorance of everyday mundanities could rival the mop she has trouble cleaning with. Since our story is told from an omnipresent third person perspective, we also see that Diamond's aggressive personality is a facade, serving as a defense mechanism against her fears and grievances. Still, she has the verbal prowess to keep up with Apple Bloom's insults, which of course fuels the rivalry and keeps it going strong.
However, therein lies the key balancing issue with this rivalry. Apple Bloom and Diamond have nearly identical skill when it comes to verbal arguments, but Apple Bloom trumps Diamond when hooves start flying. Therefore, in every battle they get into, Apple Bloom has the advantage and usually comes out the victor. Even in the cowshed, when the battle was primarily verbal, Apple Bloom overpowered Diamond completely, defeating her physically, mentally, and emotionally. When they were trapped in the pit, Apple Bloom pulled the weight in the mental and physical aspects of the escape. She even had to handle the morale aspect as well. On Diamond's side of the balancing act, she has superior grooming habits and is allegedly a faster learner, neither of which actually affect the rivalry so much as basic slice of life occurrences. Diamond could have been more level-headed, more assertive, more artistic, able to see things that Apple Bloom would gloss over, or maybe just better at whatever you decided her real talent should be, but Apple Bloom just seemed to either outrank Diamond or share the title with her in every category. Which one had the cutie mark again?
Now, that's not to say it's wrong of you to show bias toward Apple Bloom your story. Given the cover art, it's what I expected. The problem with it is the method that you used to present the story. Diamond isn't the antagonist of this story, and Apple Bloom isn't the protagonist. The two were presented to both be of gray morality, allowing the reader to peer into both of their minds and see what they are thinking. It even turned into a chained heat story, one of the most iconic rivalry tropes next to red oni blue oni. If it was really a black-and-white "Apple Bloom is better" type of story, Apple Bloom wouldn't have served as the source of conflict at times, and Diamond would have ended up solely receiving the punishment. That wasn't your intended message, though. The purpose of the story was to show a mutual growth and understanding of two characters that cannot stand one another.
Imagine a battle between a wizard and a knight. If the knight had no sword or armor and was allergic to magic, the wizard would have a very definite advantage. Imagine how interesting that rivalry would be. The AB/DT rivalry here seemed like the type of rivalry that intended to have no winner, but it does seem like Apple Bloom won if only for the simple fact that Diamond had very few moments I could call victories in comparison to Apple Bloom. Diamond was the defenseless knight of this story.
If I had to say what my favorite part of the story was, it would be Big McIntosh's speech to Applejack and Filthy. Effectiveness of the rivalry aside, the moral of practicing what you preach was a nice criticism of how characters in both fiction and real life, especially adults, see the misbehavior of others as an offense while seeing their own as an oversight. I thought Big Mac hit all the right points in his speech and really brought a real lesson out of Applejack's logically unsound idea of tying ponies together to solve problems.
If I had to pick a least favorite moment, it would probably be the visit to Zecora. Ignoring the additional bias toward Apple Bloom, I thought the scene itself was a bit circuitous. Zecora said she couldn't make any of her tooth medicine because she swore to Colgate she wouldn't. Then she makes some tooth medicine without any remorse or hesitation. It just seemed to me like the promise she made to Colgate only served to drag out the scene. I thought at first that Colgate would later show up to Sweet Apple Acres later to gripe about it and that would have been how Filthy and Applejack found out, but unfortunately, it just came across as a pointless plot point.
I could see the benefit of a round or two of editing. A few missing and incorrect words were here and there but nothing that made things difficult to read. You also had a small issue of overusing proper nouns. I'd suggest looking at a few guides like this one for reference: http://www.k12reader.com/proper-nouns/
To sum things up, I'd call this story french toast with powdered cinnamon on top. One side is a bit darker than the other, and I'd personally have preferred a different topping, but it's filling, and I didn't have any desires to drown it in syrup.
Make the most!
2731616
That has to be, not only the longest, but the best review I've ever gotten.
Even the criticism was a delight to read from start to finish
thank you for going to so much effort.
2736811
I'm glad to hear it. I hope this story was an educational experience for both of us.
This was quite the read, and the ending with Big Mac going full Gandalf on FR and AJ was quite enjoyable.
3065708
Sorry, don't speak southern, so I just pop it in where I think it goes.
so brace yourself there's a lot more "y'all" in the wrong place in the rest of the story.
3364353
Adoptive mother. I made it part of my faniverse.
I cover that in another fic Scootaloo's Mother
Pretty good story :D The resolution was perfect.
Well, that was pretty nice. I do kinda think it should have ended with the previous chapter, though. The irony of Filthy and AJ bickering after getting tied together would have made for a perfect ending, and aside from DT getting her tiara back (which feels like a plot point that got forgotten at some point) this one didn't really add much.
There's other stuff I could comment on but, eh, you did okay so I'll leave it at that.
4260535 That'd work, too.
Loved this story and couldn't get enough of it. I'm sad I got to the end already.
Well, time to check out your other stories.
Bravo, bravo - really nice story. I liked that DT and Applebloom while not really friend friends ended up with a mutual understanding and respect for one another. Yea, they both they're characters came across really well written. So kudos. Really enjoyed reading - really wish there was more :-)
that story pic needs to happen in the show if only accidentally
7644425 Touche
I was more expecting that Granny was going to hit AJ with a wooden spoon or something and tell her to have manners and not to pay with the young ones that they could not get together, it surprised me that it was Big Mac
This story was amazing.