• Member Since 30th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen 15 hours ago

Cloudhammer


I never make mistakes. I thought I'd made one once, but I was wrong.

T
Source

The world is young, cold, and lifeless. The Sun and the Moon aim to change that. But life isn't always as predictable as you think, and sometimes needs a guiding hoof. Or paw.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

Eleven moar words... just eleven moar...

First.
#YOLO


Edit:
Its good.

2029565

#YOPS

you only post Second:rainbowkiss:

2029614
I... I'm not first...
*clenches head in torment*

2029563
Oh I know, it was sooo close :rainbowlaugh:

Soooooo, to anyone else, thoughts on the story itself please?

I, for one, am impressed. Lots of great ideas that fit together very well. I had always thought of the "Diamond Dogs" seen in the show as a somewhat outcast gang, but having that be the true name and nature of their species is an interesting possibility, to say the least. I wasn't too sure about them being formed from timber wolves, but the line about the burning wood "compressing into dense bones" sold it for me, since diamonds are just heavily-compressed carbon. (I don't know if you did that on purpose or not, but it worked perfectly.)

All in all, 8/10. Definitely deserves to win more than my piece of silliness, that's for certain.

2031718
I did in fact, on my friend Aegis' suggestion. The part about them being born from the timber wolves was a spur of the moment thing (granted, the entire story was, but that's beside the point :rainbowlaugh:), but I think it worked. Sirius mainly needed a form to mold into his children, just like Celestia and Luna used the four-hooves as the base mold for the ponies. *blinks* Dang, this story has more origins than I thought it did :pinkiecrazy:

This is a different take on the Equestrian creation myth, and its focus on something other than the dominant species is a nice change of pace. Like Educated Guess, I was about to call shenanigans on the diamond dogs originally being timberwolves at first, but ... damn. Impressive.

I was pretty surprised at first when the 'first sin' of the species resulted in apotheosis for Sirius, but after hearing Celestia's reasoning it makes a bit more sense. (Though personally, I think she should've had a bit more inner conflict rather than just going to Luna for confirmation--nature or not, Sirius did kill one of their ponies.)

Huh. That was pretty solid. Nicely done.

2096285
Thanks :twilightsmile: Also, any idea when the results of the January contest go up? My family stopped letting me chew on their fingernails :rainbowwild::pinkiecrazy:

God, I love this. My only complaint is that the ending is abrupt; I think it could use a few more paragraphs of denouement. But the journey there is sublime.

hoofed grazers; while the forests swarmed with small, darting forms.

No semicolon. Just a comma.

though knew such a contest would be brutally short.

You accidentally a word.
*though she knew

Anywho, let's take a look at some of the issues I pointed out last time...
With regards to the plot:

My one complaint is that the creation of the world at the beginning was rushed.

Though I don't have the original for comparison purposes, my gut says this was a little better. Still felt rushed, but not as much as my memory tells me it was. Or I could be crazy and it might be exactly the same. If you happen to have the original, I could say for certain.

On to characterization:

Celestia and Luna seemed a bit flat.

They still seemed flat. My gut tells me nothing is all that different, either.

Mechanics:

The pacing seemed rushed in the beginning. I feel a few hundred words more would have fleshed things out rather nicely.

See what I said for plot.

World-building:

The origins of diamond dogs and timberwolves were neat, but as mentioned above, not great. I enjoyed them, yes, but they could have used some more detail here and there to make them that much better.

I think we got a little more information this time around, but again, a copy of the original would be incredibly useful. My memory isn't so great on the specifics.

So, yeah, in sum, I feel like it's gotten better, but the changes aren't noticeable enough for me to say for certain. If I had a copy of the original for comparison purposes, I could catch all the more subtle changes and then make a firmer decision on whether this did indeed improve.

2143744
Yeah, sorry. Don't have a copy of the original anymore :pinkiesad2:

2145244
Darn.

Well, I hoped that helped at least a little bit.

2145317
Somewhat, though I'm not really interested in expanding on Celestia/Luna (mainly because I felt like doing so not only would break the Jan contest rules, but also because I despise writing from the mindsets of my deities). Sirius was a bit of an exception, but I still don't like doing it.

Creation myth for the Diamond Dogs?
There should have been more butt sniffing and less poetry!
Nah, I'm just kidding, it's great. :raritywink:

It was a very interesting take on a mythological old Equestrian history, with particularly great pacing. I love this "Silmarillionesque" style, so of course I am a sucker for this story.

My only issue was with the ponies you introduced in opposition to Sirius. They build a feeling of a larger world, but they were ultimately pointless to the story.

Daaaaaaaaaaammmmmnnnn...

This is a hell of a origin story for the Diamond Dogs. It's really quite solid and, above all else, works well.

Not only that... The relation to the Timberwolves is a connection I could actually see being possible.

Very well done, chief.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Login or register to comment