• Published 24th Jan 2013
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My New Life in Equestria: Helping Has Its Ups and Downs - HAZESHIFT

Waking up in a tree usually doesn't mean its gonna be a good day...today on the other hand I find it to be the opposite...at least in the short run as i find myself in a world of ponies

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Chapter 19: Surely you can’t be serious? I am serious and don’t call me Shirley…

Chapter 19: Surely you can’t be serious? I am serious and don’t call me Shirley…

“Is something the matter Dan?” Luna was the only one who had stopped moving at my outburst.

“Oh no not really; it’s a nice day, I got this cool new armor, oh and apparently I’M FIGHTING YOUR SISTER!!!” my stress levels were high.

“Yes it something that happens to all new guards; although we expect you to put on more of a show” despite my yelling Luna saw nothing wrong with it.

“Well first off how can you be okay with it? I mean your girls are immortal, you’ve fought many more dangerous things than me, and you can probably take a lot more pain…I guess I just answered my own freaking question there didn’t I?” I said putting my face in my hands.

“Yes you did but not completely you forgot a couple of things.”

“Oh I did? Then enlighten me please” I said giving the princess a deadpanned looked and raising one eyebrow.

“Well for one; you can’t use magic and you’re going up against a deity who uses magic to move a huge nuclear fusion reactor through space. Second we are immortal Alicorns who have lived thousands of years…”

“And one thousand which you spent on the moon.” I said interrupting Luna just to be a smart ass.

“Yes and regardless of that fact Tia and I have still learned and mastered plenty of different kinds of fighting styles. Where as I am assuming that you know…” she paused to let me fill in the blank.

“The basics of a couple of things…” I learned how to throw a decent punch, give a kick, some basic grappling from wrestling and jujitsu but that was about all. I was a jack of all trades and a poor one at that.

“And last but not least Dan; While you may be dreading this fight I can Assure you that Tia is looking forward to it with more excitement than I have seen her gave many things over the past few months…Dan do you know what normally happens when a pony who is new to the guard goes through this?”

“No but I’m assuming the phrase “piss myself” goes through their mind.”

“It may but Dan when other ponies speak to us how do they normally say it?”

“Most likely Princess Luna or Princess Celestia.” I wondered where she was taking this.

“And when somepony sees us what do you think they think of first?”

“Of you and your sister as princesses…oh.” The gears started turning in my head.

“And because of old tales and how my sister and I look what do you think a guards first thought would be when told that he is going to be fighting one of the princesses?”

“I get your point Luna; you don’t want this to be like other times where new ponies threw away their chance to fight a being who already outclasses them.”

“Well most ponies don’t throw their chance away. They just try to rush headlong with no plan thinking that they could end the fight either winning or losing it. Besides what the worst thing that could happen?”

“On the off chance I somehow “win”” I said doing air quotes.

“Oh sure let’s go with that” Luna said chuckling, obviously trying to hide her laughter which wasn’t going very well.

“Celestia’s a sore loser and she sends me to the moon?”

“Oh well don’t worry if she does I’m sure that I can get her to bring you back within a week.” Luna tried joking.

“Luna I can’t breathe in space…”

“Oh well…” She had run out of things to say as we finally came upon the entrance to the arena.

“But don’t worry I get what your saying…I just hope Celestia knows her limits and how to use them on me.” I said solemnly.

“Don’t worry about it we have great medical care here; we patched you up fine after the factory didn’t we? I’m sure even if your torn in half you’ll be fine.” apparently the princess of the night had one more joke to which I gave a very sad face to.

We walked in and began to hear chanting, cheering, and screaming coming out of one end of the hallway we had walked into. After a fairly short walk we came out into a circular arena like the coliseum in Rome but smaller. The princess and I stood on the middle ring that went around and there were seats that went lower until there was a sharp dip into the ring where Princess Celestia was waiting to fight with me.

I guess she had gotten a bit of a warm up; I could see a bit of sweat on her; she was also not wearing her royal regalia. She looked up as the crowd signaled my arrival. Our eyes met and we kind of had one of the silent conversations where our eye said everything.

After we had finished I headed towards what could only be described as “certain pain and doom”. I didn’t try to see if there was some stair or anything. I simply started walking down the path of the lower seat. About halfway down I broke into a run. At the end there was a railing which I grabbed and pushed myself over. I actually built a little more speed than intended so I decided to try to be flashy for a second; with the speed I had I was able to make myself spin completely around once. After that I decided on a simple pose; I hit the ground with one foot, one knee, and one fist. I choose the iron man pose; one fist to the ground while kneeling also while my other arm was waving slightly in the air.

I guess the ponies hadn’t gotten anything like that from other new recruits because the crowd loved it. Even Celestia was smirking at me for my little show.

“Hmm I guess you’re more athletic than I thought Dan?”

“Well it’s a shame to disappoint but a lot of that was luck and me praying not to land on my face.” I joked.

Celestia chuckled a bit before speaking to me again. “OK then shall we set some ground rules?”

“I’d thought you never ask. My only concern is you using magic that will shave years off my life span.”

“Oh Dan I would never do that; just some simple telekinesis, magic beams, teleporting. Nothing I wouldn’t expect some unicorns here not to know.”

“Oh ok then…other than that any specific hitting rules?” I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t accidently hit the princess where the sun don’t shine…and vice versa cause getting bucked by any type of equine in the balls just hurts.

“Oh well I am going to put simple shield spell on both of us that will more or less protect or skin from blows and contact. The pain and force will still be felt but it will make sure no marks are left.”

“Just like a bag of oranges.” I muttered.

“What was that Dan?”

“Oh nothing.” I’m kinda glad she didn’t hear that.

Afterwards I was given a brief period to stretch. I tried to mimic somewhat how Bruce Lee stretched; making sure to get the blood flowing through all of my body. I could feel the eyes of everypony on me; I hadn’t really shown anything that could be considered my “violent nature” since I got here to Equestria. I just hoped that I wouldn’t give a bad impression somehow. Looking up into the crowd I saw where my squad was sitting; I couldn’t tell if they were cheering for me; or for me to get my ass handed to me. The princess and I shook before each going to one end of the ring. My mind raced to create any kind of strategies I could use. Hopefully I could come up with some kind of plan.

Upon reaching the wall I simply put my hands on and leaned on it; saying a silent prayer to any kind of deity that would listen. Unfortunately before I could get a reply Luna spoke up over the crowd.

“Attention Everypony!!! If everyone participating in today’s match is ready I believe it is time we get under way. Will the fighters please make their way to their spots and get ready?” She said in a loud enough voice even though at her words everyone turned silent.

Celestia and I made our way to the center to where there were two markers to designate where we should stand; and there was still a nice amount of distance between us. I took up a simple stance; I turned my body sideways to give a smaller target, I had one hand out in front of me with the other slightly behind it and closer to my body, I used one foot as an anchor behind me and pointed the other towards my opponent. Celestia on the other hand didn’t really move; or at least I couldn’t tell. Maybe Alicorn had a way of making very small movements.

“Are the fighters ready?” Luna’s voice came from above; neither Celestia nor I looked at her. Celestia gave a polite nod the way she always did. And when I could feel the eyes on me waiting for me to say something I said “Helmet on.” And watched as the helmet covered my view and all the electronics inside light up; and then nodded. It was then that Luna raised her hoof into the air and spoke.

“THEN…BEGIN!!!” she said bringing her hoof down.

Now from what Luna had told me about previous times is that most ponies just gave a kamikaze charge hoping to get it over with quickly for the “princess’s sake”. I decided not to go with that approach.

I stood in my stance as still as a statue facing my opponent. Celestia had a smile on her face; I think she was glad I decided not to rush anything. She stood as still as I did for awhile watching me.

“Well thank you for not being so hasty like the others Dan. I had hoped you would take the opportunity to…slow down and enjoy our fight…” she kept a slight smile on her face and started to walk around the arena slowly; I kept still thinking that she could attack at any second.

“You know it has been awhile since I had a challenging fight. I can guess that my sister has filled you in that usually when a new guard has to fight me they end up charging me.” She stepped around in a semi circle never crossing to my side. “But did she tell you what I do to those guards that keep trying that tactic?” She asked stopping her walk to admire the wall for some reason.

“No…she did not.” My voice sounded like I didn’t even have my helmet up.

“Well I’m looking right at my last “masterpiece” if you will. What do you think about it?”

I decided to take a chance and looked. And if people could see through my visor they would see that my eyes bugged out; and the reason for that was because I saw that the wall we were staring at had an imprint of a pony in it. Like someone had magically slammed somepony so hard that they imprinted in the wall.

I had never thought that I could be so engrossed of seeing something that could only take place in a cartoon world. I guess it also lulled me into a false sense of security too; because in all that amazement I barely registered the small amount of white that entered my peripheral vision. With whatever pure reflex I had I managed to turn my head to see that Celestia was in mid charge and about to collide with me. My first thought was to jump straight back but I quickly considered that she might use magic if I did.

I managed to jump to the side avoiding the blow from Celestia. I wanted to counter attack but I was shocked because she pulled of what I had wanted to do to her.

“Well I seem to have caught you buy surprise Dan.” She said as I turned to face her.

“I’m surprised because I wanted to try it on you.” I hope my voice sounded calm and not how nervous that attack made me.

“Oh really? Well now that someone has made the first move; don’t you think we should give this our all then?” she had a coy smile on; it was like facing down a female assassin who knew how good she was.

“Ladies first.”

“Oh how chivalrous of you. But you are going to regret that.” She was smiling for the first half of that sentence. And then she put on a serious face. Her horn also lit up and she began to fire magic beams at me. I wasn’t lucky enough to dodge the first one. It felt like getting hit with the force of a cannonball. I flew backwards off my feet and collided with a wall. I guess she hadn’t used as much force as with other ponies because this time I wasn’t fully imprinted in the wall.

I heard a nice “ooh” sound come from most of the crowd; they knew as well as I did that what just happened hurt like a bitch.

Everything stopped for a few seconds as my wrenched my body from its little hole, shelf, imprint whatever you want to call it; and simply slid to the floor for a second.

“My my that’s not the end of you is it Dan?” I managed to look up and see Celestia smiling again; she was seriously fighting with me but still had the attitude and aura suggesting that she was playing with me.

“I’m fine.” I said getting up and stretching really quickly. I reached down and stretched to my toes to male sure my back was still in one piece. I stood back up at full height I didn’t take a stance or anything I just stood there waiting for what ever was going to happen next.

“Well…shall we try that again?” I asked putting on the same kind of smile she had. Not waiting for a reply I ran forward trying to close the now pretty big gap between us. Celestia reacted accordingly as she charged her horn and started firing at me again. This time however I was slightly more prepared. I swerved in between the first few couple of shots and jumped over another. After that shot I was almost within range; but she managed to get a shot off that was headed right for me. With whatever luck I had I managed to only have it graze my gauntlet as I put it to my helmet for protection.

After that I was finally within a legs reach of the princess. I planted my left foot on the ground and swung my right foot out wide. I by the look o Celestia’s face I could tell that she wasn’t expecting any type of swinging punch or kick. I had guessed as much seeing as how I had never seen a pony make any kind of punch besides a straight jab. It only took a few seconds but it seemed like forever as my kick collided with her. She moved sideways with the force of my kick; I was kinda dumbstruck for a second thinking to myself “Holy crap I actually hit her!!!” but snapped back to normal thinking “Ok got to follow this up correctly.” After the kick I rushed towards her again; in response she reared on her back legs possibly trying to crush me to incapacitate me.

Luckily I knew the easiest way to counter that; I kept moving forward until to close for her move to be affected. I turned slowly and threw my shoulder into her underside keeping her in her up right position. I moved back slightly and threw some quick punches to her body so she would start moving backwards. Noticing that she was leaning backwards slightly I figured I had enough time to try something ballsy. Spinning under her hooves an around her wings I managed to get behind Celestia who still hadn’t reacted to anything I had done yet.

Now I was behind here facing back to back thinking that I might have the strength to pull it off. I bent backwards and wrapped my arms around Celestia. I never knew exactly how much she weighed before this but I could tell that she had probably eaten a little too much cake. I took a bit more strength but I was able to start lifting here from my position. From there I managed to swing her over my head in somewhat of an inverted power bomb. I flung her down with all the strength I had only to hear a familiar popping noise as I attempted to throw her to the ground.

She teleported out of my grip and reappeared in front of me. “Well Dan that was certainly impressive Dan. Now it’s my turn to retaliate.” I didn’t even have time to say anything she seized my whole body in a telekinetic grip a flung me sideways a lot faster than when I was hit with her magic blasts. It was like being in a car crash; not just the throw itself but also when I hit the stone wall hard enough to bounce back to the center of the ring. That wasn’t the end of it though as I sailed through the air back to where I had started I was grabbed again a flung in the opposite direction. I was kind of glad I had my armor on other wise my body may have been reduced to a pulp. I hit a second wall and flew back and again Celestia grabbed me and I guess to complete the set threw me straight backwards this time.

So far from what I had seen the fight between my sister and Dan had been going along very smoothly and then Celestia’s true fighting nature leaked a little and she threw Dan into three walls. He hit the wall with great impact and got stuck in it; at least for awhile before it crumbled around him a bit and he fell face down to the ground. I watched as my sister stopped her magic and took in a few breaths to compose her self.

“Well my I guess that’s the end of that…” I heard her say since no pony has said anything since the fight started. ‘What did you think of the exhibition Luna?” my sister looked up to me in the stands. I looked her over; I could tell that Dan’s blows had hurt her; it wasn’t enough for a serious injury but painful none the less. And then I looked to Dan and was a bit surprised at what I saw.

Putting on a small smirk I answered her “I think you should turn around and finish it Tia.” She was confused at what I meant until she did turn around. Dan was on one knee and still trying to fully get up.

“Well Dan I am surprised to see you standing.” My sister said as he got to his feet. “Although I am not sure if we should continue.” For awhile Dan just stood there breathing not saying a word; I don’t know if it was because he was thinking or simply trying to stay conscious.

“Armor…gauntlets only.” Were the first words he spoke after a minute. His helmet and chest piece disappeared with magic and he was left there standing with his gauntlets.

“Dan I think you have proven your capabilities well enough.” My sister said to him; if he was going to fight without his armor he could get hurt more than he intended.

“Tia Tia Tia…” his words sounded laborious as he was still breathing hard. “You of all ponies should know that’s not how a fight works. It’s not done until one side can’t stand anymore.” He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. I could tell that calmed him down as he slowly opened his eye and said “And luckily I’m still standing.”

He charged again without any kind of tell. With a couple feet between Celestia and him he brought his right arm back and threw a punch. My sister was quick enough to set up a shield in front of her to block his attack. What she didn’t count on is that when his fist hit the shield he simply didn’t stop or attack the shield madly like a beast. He leaned in on his arm then pushed on it to spin himself around the shield. Using his momentum he brought back his left arm. Catching my sister by surprise he let out a warrior like scream as he threw his fist forward.

His fervor in his attacked surprised not only me but my sister as well. And out of instinct I saw her horn light up with a spell she shouldn’t use in a situation like this. But she used it before I could warn her and the next thing I knew Dan was swatted by gravity; six inches into the ground. And then the spell activated again and the ground collapsed in on him not once but twice more and he was practically buried underneath rock. I quickly got up and moved down into the ring to make sure that Dan wasn’t too badly hurt…and took make sure Tia paid those bits because we had a bet that Dan could get her to use more serious magic.

The Last thing I remember before blacking out was aiming a left hook at Celestia. Then there was a flash of light and I remember being face planted in the ground…three times I think; then came the sweet brace of unconsciousness…or death I’m not to sure.


What was that? Do I hear voices? I guess I’m not dead.


That sounded familiar I can’t really tell at this point.

“Dan…are you ok say something. Open an eye; something to make sure we don’t have to send you to the hospital so they can stick needles in you.”

“I’m up I’m up no need for needles.” I groaned as I cracked an eye open and saw Swift Gale looking at me with concern.

“Oh good you can open your eyes; now can you see?” she asked.

“I think so but I think it may be a little messed up; I see a pony who looks like my sergeant but doesn’t have her usual smug grin on.”

“Oh ha ha you idiot if you weren’t already in bed I’d hit you…so what do you remember…about the fight.”

“Well lets see…pain, a wall, getting a couple lucky shots in…more pain, more walls. And then I think I gave a cool little one liner and tried a heroic last charge…and the my face and body in the ground… then darkness.” I said to her.

“Anything else? I just have to make sure you don’t have a concussion or anything.”

“Hmm…oh yeah remind me to write a note to Celestia that she needs to lay off the cake. I mean I felt like I was going to hurt my back when I tried to lift her that one time. Seriously; talk about heavy.” I said trying to laugh but I still felt a bit of pain in my ribs.

“Oh it seems that you are alive and well Dan; and with how you like to joke. I guess that means your ready for another round?” I sat up to see the Celestia was sitting right in front of my bed back in the barracks. In fact most of the squad was crowding around my bed.

“Um no thanks Celestia you cheated; I think I will wait awhile before trying again thank you very much.” My comment was met with a hoof to the back of my head from Swift Gale.

“Dan don’t talk like that to the princess.” She said angrily before turning to Celestia. “I’m sorry princess we haven’t had time yet to whip him into shape I’m sure he didn’t…” she stopped after hearing Celestia chuckle.

“It is quite alright Sergeant Gale; Dan is a personal friend of mine and I understand his humor very well. And in times like this he is right to make a joke like that. He is right though I did cheat and I am sorry for that Dan maybe next time will be different. I am glad to see that you are fine and now I will return the palace; I do look forward to see how everything goes from now on.” She said before getting up. She gave everybody a good bye before heading to the door. Upon opening the door though she stopped and looked back to me. “Oh and Dan.” she said catching my attention. “Just remember if you make many more jokes about my weight or about my dessert eating habits…lets just say that next time you can find another Alicorn to perform a healing spell that fixes your eight broken ribs, fractured right arm, internal bleeding, lacerations, cuts, and bruises.” He tone was warm but you could see through past he smiling face to the fury of the sun that lay behind it.

As if on some kind of queue everyone in the barracks audibly gulped. And on that the princess left laughing to herself. After she did everypony visibly relaxed.

Swift who was still beside me was the first to break the silence. “So Dan who was…are you laughing?”

Sure enough my laughter had been building from the moment the door had closed and soon enough I couldn’t contain it and the barracks were filled with my laughter.

“What’s so funny Dan?” Swift asked hoping to get an answer.

“I got a chance to beat up Celestia at least in some way or shape or form…and she apologized to me!!!” I started laughing again before the realization sunk into everyone else’s mind and they started laughing. Sure enough soon we were all laughing.

Outside the barracks Celestia had concealed herself with magic to see what would go on right after. Not too much to her surprise Dan shook everything off with his trademark humor like he was prone to do with everything.

“Well at least it’s a step in the right direction for now. At least I didn’t have to tell him why I cast that spell; his visage as he came at me with that last blow was…something else. Humans sure are something different.” She said to herself before taking to the sky to fly back the palace and enjoy some nice dessert to counteract all the exercising she did today.

Author's Note:

well here's my first and definetly not the last fighting scene..and its probably what everyone was expecting an ass kicking
welp have at it if you think you can do better tell me and i will take advice
but beware in a fight i am DOWN RIGHT FIERCE...get it.....HADOUKEN!!!!!
for some reason i wanted to find a way to have Dan play the mortal kombat music but i couldn't make anything stick...oh well ONTO NEW THINGS AND BIGGER NUMBERS!!!!

oh btw i'm also trying to get some groups to review this story so i'll let you know how those turn out in the end....so cya in a week...and i was afraid this would be delayed(heh rhyming) because my dad and grandpa are in town for a couple of days

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