• Member Since 21st Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Monday

BrianPony


E

Six months ago, Pinkie Pie received a special alarm clock with a note The note told her to set the clock for 8 AM on the morning exactly six months from that day. Who sent it, what does it do, what is it for, and then what happens after it goes off? The pony who always goes out of her way to celebrate every other pony is in for quite a surprise herself.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 48 )

Right off the bat, without even looking at the content, you should have paragraph breaks, it makes the whole thing look better. Also you have too many "was"s. It might be hard to completely remove but please clean up your "is am are was where been"s and other helping words. These words just fill up empty space in your story and don't say anything. Though specific sentences may sound nicer, cleaning those up will improve the overall quality of your story.:twilightsheepish:

Your story is pretty good!:twilightsmile: I liked your chacterization of pinkie and the whole alarm clock thing was oddly engaging. So far this fic doesn't seem to have much purpose, but it is a slice-of-life. I like it:yay:

So far I think it's pretty good :pinkiesmile: I'm interested to see how it continues.

Thank you for your feedback so far. Before I move forward, I plan to clean this chapter up. Thanks y'all!

1995761 When you say "paragraph breaks" what do you mean exactly? Please elaborate. Thanks. .

Please note that i have edited the chapter, to include more detail and improve flow. I described the clock more and altered it a little. I thought the clock better fit the MLP universe if it was an actual clock, instead of a an electronic device (which I inferred to before when it started beeping) - The clock rings at first instead of beeps.

I think I have progressed far enough in writing the 1st Chapter that I will begin composing the 2nd chapter. I'll come back to tidying things up with the 1st Chapter later (or if I feel I need to add a detail related to something later in the story as I am writing the rest).

Chapter Two is hot out of the imagination oven. Enjoy.

1996068

Okay. For example this paragraph starts without a paragraph break.

This paragraph does. Make sense?
What I did was I put three spaces at the beggining of the paragraph. It makes text look better.

2000350

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

Edited the first two chapters this morning to add paragraph breaks as per suggestion.

Chapter Three is now drafted. I will come back to clean things up after I am finished. Thanks to everyone who has Favorited the story so far.

The clock became an "after fought"?

The description of Spike is a little unnecessary. We watch the show; we know who he is.

Protip: edit BEFORE posting, otherwise you do things like calling Rainbow Dash male in the third and second paragraph from the bottom. (Either that, or you're missing an alt. universe tag.)

2009081

Oh crap. Sorry. I'll fix that.

2009065

I can definitely understand that. I am writing the story so that someone who has no idea what the show is doesn't get lost. Thanks for your input. It is very much appreciated.

I went through and edited everything so all three chapters are complete.

Chapter Four is finished. Hope y'all are liking it so far.

It's nice, although maybe things are happening a bit too fast.

Then again, considering that they have a limited amount of time, maybe it's fitting.

Anyway, I'm still curious to see how it all ends :pinkiesmile:

2024244

I understand what you mean. Thanks for hanging around. I hope you find it is worth it, even though it seems rushed. that's just because of the time frame being worked with.

I am already brainstorming my second story. Even though it is not connected with this story the events will happen afterwards (continuity will be uniform). It will be a lot more deep and won't be rushed because the story needs to come out right and have the right message. I am creating a character that would never be used for the show because the topic is delicate (considering the Derpy controversy). You have that to watch for in the coming weeks/months after this story finishes.

Chapter Five is now published. Please don't be afraid to let me know what you think so far, suggest corrections etc. The input is appreciated.

Only two more chapters left (I think).

Why didn't they get rainbow water from the rainbows at Dash's house?

2034393

I did not remember rainbows at Dash's house. Oops. Either way it is more exciting to get it from the factory.

Nice. The only thing, you forgot some quotation marks at some points.

If you allow me to point them out:

"Scootaloo, I know you can do it." said Spike (here)We all know you can do it. What would your hero Rainbow Dash do?" the dragon winked.

(here)That's okay Scoots." Pinkie assured her.

"...and that's how Equestrioa(a small typo) was made!(here)

"Didn't I tell you that rainbow water is super spicy hot, Scootaloo?" asked Pinkie Pie (here)I'm sorry if I didn't. I have some water in my saddlebag."

"Yea I did, Squirt.(here) Rainbow Dash looked at her protegé.

Other than this, I'd say it's quite good. :pinkiesmile: I didn't see any other mistakes.

2035656

Thank you very much for your help.

Chapter six is now completed and we're building towards the exciting climax Thanks to everyone for the feedback so far. It's been a big help. .

I'll be waiting for the ending. I'm really curious to see what happens :pinkiehappy:

Good ending, it made me smile :pinkiesmile:

Well, not bad for being your first fanfic. Keep writing, and good luck with your next stories :twilightsmile:

It was cute, i'll give you that and i hope to see some more great stories in the future, i also cant wait to see your stories once you get some experience (seeing how good your first one was :rainbowlaugh:). but in all seriousness, great work

2043964

Thanks. It might take awhile for my next story. I am going to work on creating a character but I want to get it just right before going on with it...creating my character I mean. The character I am creating I don't think has been tried before and I am using fan fiction because the actual show wouldn't use a character like I am creating.

1) The twitchy tail means that something is going to fall, not that something is going to explode. EDIT: Well, I suppose that the balloons ended up falling, but that was not the initial causal relationship that I saw.
2) Spike is not the only non-pony in Ponyville. We also have several cows, and at least two donkeys, even if we exclude all of the pets.
3) Ten bits for an apple is hugely overpriced. Check the first few minutes of season 2 episode 19 and you will find that pinkie goes crazy over the fact that three tomatoes cost two bits.
4) Assuming that you were meaning to quote the singing telegram, it is "Birthdays mean having fun with friends, not getting lots of stuff." This is not really that important, but the words are a little bit different that what you have.
5) Dash has a thing for ten seconds flat, rather than thirty.
6) Water does not cut spice; It spreads the spice around in ones mouth while temporarily cooling it.
7) Since it seems that you were introducing everything seemingly from scratch, you may want to include an explanation for why it needs to be a pegasus that collects the rainbow water. If someone needs main character descriptions, they are not going to know about the cloud-walking dynamic.
8) "Oh my gosh" said repeatedly is a Rainbow Dash thing. This one is not really all that important.
9) You may want to work on fixing some of the odd spacing in certain places. For example, the sentence, "' Oh, there's one more thing. We need a bottle of rainbow water from Cloudsdale. Do you have any ideas on how we can get up there , Fluttershy?' asked Spike," has two spacing issues. The last couple of sentences in "The Scavenger Hunt Begins" have a few issues with spacing, punctuation, capitalization, and depending on how hard core you are about numbering, use of the number "three."
10) Names given as a side note should be set of by commas, for example "What would your hero Rainbow Dash do?" should be "What would your hero, Rainbow Dash, do?"
11) Work on splitting up words that mean different things when compounded. For example, "Can I help in anyway?" should be "Can I help in any way?" and "ponies who put this altogether." should be "ponies who put this all together."

Other than all of that, good work. Sorry about the length of this comment, but I figured that it was worth really digging into. Also, congrats on getting Doom Pie as a follower.

Hello again, Doom Pie. It would appear that you discovered my cousin's work before I did. I find that somewhat surprising.

2082116

Thanks for your helpful input. It is very much appreciated!

2082116

Okay now that i have some sleep...a response.

First of all a big bro hoof to you. You definitely know your pony!

1. I realize the twitchy tail means something is going to fall. However there has not been an established Pinkie Sense reaction to an upcoming explosion. Or has there?

2. Very good point. Thanks for the reminder.

3. Yes, you're right. I'll change that.

4. I was definitely referring to the singing telegram.

5. Yeah I know about the ten seconds but I felt ten seconds was going to be too quick with other passengers in the balloon.

6. Very true. However this is also a cartoon world so rules of cartoon physics applies. Water is the cartoon heat quencher even though it doesn't work that way in real life.

8. Do you have any suggestions for an alternative for Pinkie to express in her hyperactive state?

No need to apologize. You definitely recognize that I want these works to come out right, even though this was a warm-up to the main event (so to speak).

2083781

As far as I know, there is no accepted sense for when something is going to explode. However, you may want to create one of your own. Other well known fanfictions such as "Fallout: Equestria," "Past Sins," and "On a Cross and Arrow" have done so. Of course, you could also default to sensing the falling balloons if you do not want to change anything. As for an alternative to "Oh my gosh," I cannot really think of anything. There is, in fact, no particular reason why she should not say that. Realistically, she would be more likely to say it because she has heard it from Dash. It is just one of those things that could look either like a mistake or realism depending on who is reading. I myself used a few instances of plot points that could initially sound like mistakes in "The Fall."

Also, hello again to you, jam_i_am.

2084597

Thanks for mentioning those stories. I want to read those before I continue. I don't plan on changing much in this story..except for a few minor edits...unless something in my stories down the line requires. Even if this story is unrelated to the overall things about to take place it is technically the launching pad of the upcoming series.

2084797

I see. Well, you might not want to read everything that I mentioned before going ahead. We are talking about a combined word count of close to 900,000 words, and that could hold you up for a while. If you want recommendations on what to read though, I can definitely help out there. I can also direct you to tons of recorded readings if that would be better than visually reading. That is one reason that I am surprised that Doom Pie is already here. He has been quite active in releasing audio versions of stories. I think that you would be particularly interested in some of the work released by Illya Leonov though. We can talk more about that later.

2084914

Good point. I want to have all my stories have audio versions ultimately.

Haha..well, Pinkie Pie getting a dose of her own surprise medicine. :pinkiehappy:

Oh, I love scavenger hunts! :yay: And Spike is going to be joining Pinkie Pie as well! :pinkiehappy: This is going to be fun! :raritywink:

Well, isn't that a coinky-dink. They needed a bluebird's feather and Fluttershy of a sudden was tending to a bluebird who lost a feather. Hmm. very good job with this story so far. :pinkiehappy:

2610124

It's been quite a while since someone read my story and commented. Thank you so much. I hope you like the rest of it. Now that I have read it again I realize it could use some work and I really haven't worked to hard on the next one either. I guess I've been busy reading everyone else's stories.

I am thankful that Skittles don't have the same effect as the rainbow water from Cloudsdale, lol.. :rainbowlaugh: a fun and cute chapter.:pinkiehappy:

Aww.. the surprise is about to happen! :pinkiehappy:

What a great way to end a scavenger hunt and terrific birthday. Pinkie Pie celebrating her birthday with all of her closest friends. And Spike got to be apart of it as well. :pinkiehappy:

2611207

I am so glad you liked it.

Speaking of Spike :moustache: Shouldn't he have have a special day with Toby too?

I'm referencing APoeticHeart's excellent story [url=A New Home]http://www.fimfiction.net/story/88624/a-new-home

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