It was a beautiful morning in Ponyville. The sun was rising on a brand new day. Rays of sunshine hit the grass and dew drops shone like diamonds. All was peaceful and quiet. In fact, it was more peaceful and quiet than usual. The air, typically filled with the chirping birds and chattering squirrels, rabbits, and other creatures, was silent.
Rays of bright sunshine began shining through the uppermost windows of Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville’s bakery, and into the room of a sleeping pink earth pony named, Pinkie Pie. On most mornings, the bubbly and cheerful (sometimes to a hyperactive fault) pony would already be up doing something like baking, or decorating for a party she had planned, but she lingered in bed.
If there was a picture in the dictionary by the definition for extrovert, Pinkie's picture would be it. She knew every pony in town and had made friends with them all. She made a habit to keep track of what everyone was up to. Whenever a celebration was called for, Pinkie Pie would go out of her way to make it special. Birthdays were her specialty and surprises were her trademark. No wonder her cutie mark consisted of three colorful balloons. Unlike most days,, there were no celebrations called for today. She didn't have anything planned or anything she had to do. So she decided to sleep in this morning..
Slowly, the rising sun brightened up her room and Pinkie’s eyes opened. She moved about like she was about to turn over for a few extra winks of sleep, but something dawned on her. Her "Pinkie Sense" was acting up again. Her tail began to twitch and her eyes opened wider and wider. A grin slowly turned into a growing smile. Her eyes now twinkled, like stars.
Almost as if by magic her alarm clock in the corner of her bedroom awoke A soft ringing noise began emitting from the clock. The sound grew in volume and intensity. The ringing quickly turned into a rattling noise. Then the rattle became a shake. Then the rumbling started. Pinkie Pie’s eyes were now fixated on the mysterious alarm clock. The clock had never acted like this before. The timepiece had sat quietly ticking since its mysterious arrival six months ago.
The clock arrived on the doorstep to Sugarcube Corner in a brown box addressed to Pinkie. No return address was written on the package. There were no signs of anyone that could have sent it. Other than the clock, nothing else was inside, except for a short note.
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Please set the alarm clock for 8:00 AM six months from today. Hope you enjoy it.
The note was signed "From No Pony In Particular." Pinkie set the shiny, over-sized timepiece on a table in a corner of her room after following the instructions (although it took a lot of winding). Multicolored jewels decorated the clock's side and Pinkie's cutie mark was etched on its face.
The clock soon became the town mystery. No pony had any idea where the timepiece came from, what it was for, or what the clock would do when it went off. This fact piqued Pinkie's curiosity and raised some suspicion. So she interrogated her closest friends a little more. Each of them swore a "Pinkie Promise" that they had no knowledge of the clock. Even Applejack swore the same, which ground Pinkie’s suspicions to a halt because AJ was the most honest pony in town. Months passed and the clock slowly became an afterthought. That is, until now.
Pinkie Pie, now anticipating the payoff, gasped with excitement, threw off the covers, and started jumping up and down on her bed. "It's finally time!" she squealed while she bounced Even while doing so, her eyes kept watching the alarm clock as the climax grew near.
Just as the rumbling grew to a crescendo, “BOOOOOM!” The alarm clock, as if by magic, literally exploded into a beautiful mess! The explosion rung around the room and traveled out the open window and could be heard all over Ponyville. Because the air was so quiet on this particular morning, the sound was heard even as far as the borders of The Everfree Forest!
Pinkie Pie gasped again as streamers and confetti, of all colors of the rainbow, flew in every direction. After that, balloons fell from the ceiling, and a banner unfurled saying “HAPPY BIRTHDAY PINKIE PIE!”
“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” exclaimed Pinkie jumping off the bed and giggling with glee. She started spinning around her room letting out a loud “Wheee!” in the process. Dizziness quickly succumbed her and she fell on her bed to catch her breath. Her pet baby alligator, Gummi sat quietly on the pillow, a streamer in his mouth, and looked at her like everything was normal.
“Wow, that’s the coolest thing that HAS EVER happened!” Pinkie said as if someone was listening. In her hyperactive state, the pony would often speak whatever was on her mind, even if no pony was around to listen.
"Oh my goodness," She giggled, "What a surprise. I can't believe I forgot my own Birthday again! Thank goodness I didn't go loco in the coco, like I did last year, right? I mean I was talking to rocks and bags of flour and all sorts of weird things and..."
Another noise interrupted Pinkie. It came from downstairs.. She heard it because the force of the alarm clock explosion had opened up her bedroom door (and destroyed the desk the clock had sat on). “KNOCK! KNOCK!”
“I’m coming!” said Pinkie after hearing the noise a second time. She bounced down the stairs wondering what else was going to happen on this special day. She reached the main level of Sugarcube Corner. Normally the kitchen would be a bustle of activity but no pony else seemed to be around, not even The Cake family who owned the bakery. No scents of yummy delights filled the room. The lights weren't even on. The only light was the bright sunshine coming through the front windows. Pinkie quickly reached the door and opened it. A familiar purple and green baby dragon stood outside.
Right off the bat, without even looking at the content, you should have paragraph breaks, it makes the whole thing look better. Also you have too many "was"s. It might be hard to completely remove but please clean up your "is am are was where been"s and other helping words. These words just fill up empty space in your story and don't say anything. Though specific sentences may sound nicer, cleaning those up will improve the overall quality of your story.
Your story is pretty good! I liked your chacterization of pinkie and the whole alarm clock thing was oddly engaging. So far this fic doesn't seem to have much purpose, but it is a slice-of-life. I like it
So far I think it's pretty good I'm interested to see how it continues.
Thank you for your feedback so far. Before I move forward, I plan to clean this chapter up. Thanks y'all!
1995761 When you say "paragraph breaks" what do you mean exactly? Please elaborate. Thanks. .
Please note that i have edited the chapter, to include more detail and improve flow. I described the clock more and altered it a little. I thought the clock better fit the MLP universe if it was an actual clock, instead of a an electronic device (which I inferred to before when it started beeping) - The clock rings at first instead of beeps.
I think I have progressed far enough in writing the 1st Chapter that I will begin composing the 2nd chapter. I'll come back to tidying things up with the 1st Chapter later (or if I feel I need to add a detail related to something later in the story as I am writing the rest).
The clock became an "after fought"?
1) The twitchy tail means that something is going to fall, not that something is going to explode. EDIT: Well, I suppose that the balloons ended up falling, but that was not the initial causal relationship that I saw.
2) Spike is not the only non-pony in Ponyville. We also have several cows, and at least two donkeys, even if we exclude all of the pets.
3) Ten bits for an apple is hugely overpriced. Check the first few minutes of season 2 episode 19 and you will find that pinkie goes crazy over the fact that three tomatoes cost two bits.
4) Assuming that you were meaning to quote the singing telegram, it is "Birthdays mean having fun with friends, not getting lots of stuff." This is not really that important, but the words are a little bit different that what you have.
5) Dash has a thing for ten seconds flat, rather than thirty.
6) Water does not cut spice; It spreads the spice around in ones mouth while temporarily cooling it.
7) Since it seems that you were introducing everything seemingly from scratch, you may want to include an explanation for why it needs to be a pegasus that collects the rainbow water. If someone needs main character descriptions, they are not going to know about the cloud-walking dynamic.
8) "Oh my gosh" said repeatedly is a Rainbow Dash thing. This one is not really all that important.
9) You may want to work on fixing some of the odd spacing in certain places. For example, the sentence, "' Oh, there's one more thing. We need a bottle of rainbow water from Cloudsdale. Do you have any ideas on how we can get up there , Fluttershy?' asked Spike," has two spacing issues. The last couple of sentences in "The Scavenger Hunt Begins" have a few issues with spacing, punctuation, capitalization, and depending on how hard core you are about numbering, use of the number "three."
10) Names given as a side note should be set of by commas, for example "What would your hero Rainbow Dash do?" should be "What would your hero, Rainbow Dash, do?"
11) Work on splitting up words that mean different things when compounded. For example, "Can I help in anyway?" should be "Can I help in any way?" and "ponies who put this altogether." should be "ponies who put this all together."
Other than all of that, good work. Sorry about the length of this comment, but I figured that it was worth really digging into. Also, congrats on getting Doom Pie as a follower.
Hello again, Doom Pie. It would appear that you discovered my cousin's work before I did. I find that somewhat surprising.
Haha..well, Pinkie Pie getting a dose of her own surprise medicine.