Discord's Beginning

Source

She was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen in my life. And I had an appreciation for beauty...

Based on the video Discord's Beginnings by tac0pwnage
Original Comic by CosmicUnicorn

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 10 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 10
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Mr Afro Pony

Mr Afro Pony #1 · Dec 11th, 2012 · · · First Encounters ·

Very first Fanfic, hope you guys like it.

Mr Afro Pony

Mr Afro Pony #2 · Dec 11th, 2012 · · · First Encounters ·

Oh BTW more shall come soon

Dunsparce

Dunsparce #3 · Dec 11th, 2012 · · · First Encounters ·

Wall of text, man. Make that HUGE paragraph in the middle smaller, for it's easy on the eyes. When a new character is talking, always make a new paragraph. Also, admittedly I still have a problem with this, but sentence length is short. The sentences are choppy and to the point. While to the point sentences are good sometimes, a whole huge paragraph filled with them is maddening to the eyes. Make your sentences longer and more fluent. This is by no means bad, just some editing is needed. I hope this helped a bit!

Regidar

Regidar #4 · Dec 11th, 2012 · 1 · · First Encounters ·

I came.

Mr Afro Pony

Mr Afro Pony #5 · Dec 11th, 2012 · · · First Encounters ·

1782644 Thanks, it is nice to have some kid of help with these things

DerpyMuffins15

DerpyMuffins15 #6 · Dec 24th, 2012 · · · Ladon ·

It's not hard to gain readers if you know the right people.

Eclipsestorm4

Eclipsestorm4 #7 · Jan 19th, 2013 · · · Ladon ·

Cool story, update soon please.

6ix

6ix #8 · Jul 10th, 2013 · · · First Encounters ·

your paragraphes still need to be broken down more. A paragraph should consist of one idea or subject.
for example your first paragraph has two subject. his existence in the forest and him seeing celestia for the first time. That one can be split in two. after you do so i would add more detail or emotion to the two. the story feels a little flat.
good luck

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