BigMacintosh1
Joined 4th Dec, 2012 ·
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I know it is not finished but I would like some criticism to help my work and get this story on track.
Space your paragraphs, bro.
>.>
well pagins is no problem but....don't say penis. say cock
Hm... one protip; show don't tell.
To give you an example (it's a bit gorry, i know).
plain version. He shot the pony twise in the head killing the mare instantly.
Pro version. The loud bang from his revolver rippled through the air on the same time as the gun kicked violantly throwing him slightly off aim. A second bang followed closely. The shot wasn't necesary, it was more to make sure the mare really was dead. And dead she really was. She had given up her life before she had hit the ground.
Trust me, it makes reading a LOT more interresting. A pluss is that you also get a longer story, which looks good
Space your paragraphs and use more description. Otherwise pretty good.
applejack.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/135181870937.gif
Not bad over all a few spelling mistakes but pretty good
P.s maybe you can read my story called my day in ponyville
thanks for the advice most of you except one who i have no clue what redigar is?
BigMacintosh1
Then Caramel slowly applied pressure to Macintosh's wonderful ass giving it a feel and a slap making the gentile giant moan and whinny with excitement
making the gentile giant moan and whinny
the gentile giant
So relieved that Big Mac's not Jewish, or else so much of my previous clopping would be sin. WHEW.
Thank you I had typed this up on my IPod so auto correct must have picked a different word.
Thank you for noticing.
BigMacintosh1
Sorry I won't have time to do that for the next couple of weeks I have finals to study for.
This is Great. I enjoyed reading this.
Poor apple bloom
2717820 oh thanks I guess this is one of my horrible stories.
Well reading from start to finish...I gotta say the story's writing and execution is rough but not so much I could not grasp what it was you were trying to present. All in all, I like the story and the setting it tries to convey. I'd suggest you try re-writing it at a later date, it is good enough Big Mac that I'd say it deserves not only another chance, but a chance when you feel you can bring out the best in it.
Ignore the negative responses and views, no writer starts off as a epic success, we all must work our way to what we want; sharing the stories we see in our own mind's eye with others who we hope will enjoy them.
Keep going, keep writing, keep imagining
2856567 to be honest this was my first story ever and well i kinda think i could have done better but thank you if you want to read my best so far i would recommend the story of lancer and stronghold but yes eventually when i get used to writing better things i will tear this story apart and fix everything i promise but right now i am trying to get through some rough patches but yes i will gladly strip this down and repair it later thank you for favoriting it.
i i love this sooo much heheh i am mad at the apple family
...but yeah hehehe nice ending 
great work on this story I loved it keep up the great work
AppleBlooms face was drenched in the semen
Not sure if gusta.
3622717 it was meant to be comic relief and also a friend said it would be funny at the time. mostly i think sex should be clean unless desired to be dirty or if your a horse.... i kinda go for the dirty sex cause well it gives you time to spend in the shower with each other later.... if they want to that is im not pushy...
not my best story anyway...
bitchplease,The only thing that can turn men lustful and gay is Gaurrus Vakarian
He's the only man that makes chuck Norris himself question his sexuality