BigMacintosh1
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why the downvotes? this was good.
4274078 people like to troll and don't like gay love.
4274109
it's normally not something I immediately flock to, but I enjoy it from time to time. and this was good.
4274110 awww shucks it ain't that good just wait when I update it tomorrow.
4274116
I'll be looking forward to it.
4274116 *hugs*missed u brother
4275393 *hugs * missed you too buddy I'm back and ready to write heart felt stories and finish even my crappiest ones too!!
4274078
4274109
I'd like to answer this. While it is extremely unfair that you've been getting a lot of downvotes with no actual feedback, the truth of the matter is that it doesn't boil down to simple homophobia. The story as a lot of very glaring problems with it.
The first things to mention are basic mechanical issues. There are places where you forget to capitalize words, or make errors with homophones ("your" and "you're" are two different words, to say nothing of the difference between "right" and "write"). Simply put, this story needs proofreading and editing, and it needs it badly. I'm not going to nitpick the mechanics, but instead I'm going to focus on the concepts.
Now, stepping back for a minute, there's an immediate problem that comes to mind any time you want to ship Shining Armor with someone: he's married in canon. Some stories, particularly a lot of clopfics, just kinda ignore it by having him cheating on her or simply not mentioning her at all or with some other handwave so that the porn can happen and nobody really cares about implications or whatnot; if they did they simply wouldn't read it, or at least wouldn't admit to reading it and thus wouldn't comment.
This, however, seems to be going for a more serious story, so this does become a problem. As it is, your answer to this question is to open up with Shining Armor throwing a fit over how he isn't happy with his marriage and making his wife sign a divorce. The concept that he's not comfortable with their relationship and the whole immortality thing could have been an okay idea if you spent time exploring it, but as it is, it really looks like you just tried to get it quickly out of the way so you could get on with the shipping. The problem is this makes Shining Armor look like a complete and utter douche. He just says to Cadance "I want a divorce" and starts yelling at her. From all indications, this is the first he's mentioned it, and rather than just honestly telling her about his insecurities or making an effort to make their relationship work from there, he's just "Nope, we're getting a divorce and fuck you for being busy." If I'm supposed to sympathize with Shining Armor, the story is off to a poor start.
The problem here is that, for the sake of your shipfic, you've decided to undo established canon in a way that just comes off as ugly and mean-spirited, and you're essentially dumping on the character who's "in the way," this being Cadance. This is not helped by the description blurb indicating that she is going to remain in the story as an antagonist to cause problems for the Shining Armor/Big Macintosh pairing. This instantly brings to mind what is a very common and very distasteful shipping practice that happens in a lot of fandoms; the author wants to do a particular ship, but that doesn't work with established canon because one or more members of the ship is already paired with someone else. So the character who's "in the way" is often shooed out of the way. At best this often involves an amicable breakup, and in worse (and regrettably much more common) circumstances this tends to involve the character being vilified. If you spend any time on TVTropes you might be aware of the term "Ron the Death Eater," named after the trend in Harry Potter fanfics of turning Ronald Weasley into a domestic abuser or other kind of bad guy, often for the sake of pairing Hermione up with Harry.
And then there are other problems with character behaving in ways that really don't make much sense. When Shining Armor arrives at the library and tells Twilight about his divorce, she doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction to finding that two ponies that she cares about have gotten a divorce. Instead, her reaction is "Woo-hoo! Let's get you on a rebound!" And then Shining Armor makes a homophobic remark about Big Macintosh despite there being no indication whatsoever that he's gay. This also kinda plays into the "douchebag" problem. I guess you're going to go for a sort of "he's in the closet" deal, so that's a little less of a problem (but still a problem because Shining Armor, from his comic and tv show appearances, is a fairly likable character). But then Big Macintosh decides that the best course of action is to send him anonymous love letter. I don't really think that's a good train of logic for him to be following. I'd think that in his case it'd make more sense to, like, talk to Twilight, and maybe force a sit down and talk session or something.
And he writes him the letter because he thinks he's "courteous and kind," despite making homophobic slurs and generally acting like a douchebag?
Nobody really feels in-character. Big Macintosh tends to be a fairly reserved character in most of his canon appearances, and here he starts spilling when Shining takes Applejack out on a date. I'd expect him to be more sheepish and embarrassed. And in general, when I read his dialogue I don't hear his voice in my head. Shining Armor, as I've mentioned already, comes off as a douchebag, and generally characters don't really behave in ways that make a lot of sense. Like, Twilight hears Shining Armor making a bunch of homophobic remarks and doesn't say something like, "well, what about your gay porn mags"?
Pacing is also pretty wonky. You don't divide things into scenes, which makes for really abrupt scene breaks when we go from Twilight and Shining Armor at the library to Big Macintosh back on the farm, or from Big Macintosh and Twilight to Shining Armor and Applejack. You need either scene breaks or a better transition.
What you really need is an editor/prereader (or a few) to help you iron these things out. The problem isn't that you're writing a gay shipfic, the problem is that your prose is lacking and you're not handling the characters or their relationships very well.
These are not insurmountable problems, but you're going to need to take care in order to write them. When writing how a character reacts to someone or makes an action, ask yourself "does it make sense for this character to be doing this, given the context? Does this sound like something this character would say? Is this happening because it's what the character would do or is it happening because I need to move the plot in the direction I want it to?" And seriously, you need to proofread these.
Hopefully I've been able to shed some light on this.
4275656 *tears up clinging to you*good
4276737 Thank you your criticism was very good but your forgetting something.... oh I'd say about ten or twelve more chapters I'm gonna write. Oh that's right those haven't been put on here yet oh and also if you read closely and saw the foreshadowing we are certainly not done with cadence why else would she be in the character description? To be honest with you pal you criticize before you even get to the meat of the story and get to the more important events. Also I do know my story lacks editing thrust I would like to see you try and type it on a phone and get everything grammatically correct. Office 365 sucks to use on a phone and don't tell me you haven't made a single or a few mistakes in your life. Finally down to the knitty gritty. If the story isn't finished or at least half way through don't criticize because you don't know the plot and you certainly can't even find the foreshadowing so really you discredited yourself.Dare you tenure this because if I'm right and I am right the was a certain pink object flying off am I correct or am I correct? Now who has pink for their coat color that CAN FLY? Hmmmmm who could it be... can't be pinkie cause she doesn't have wings and also she isn't going to break the laws of physics till chapter 8..... hmmmm can't be chrysalis she isn't even in this story... and twilight is purple... and spike is purple and green and has no wings... not fluttershy... or rainbow dash oh who in equestria could it be.... celestia is white.... Luna is Navy blue..... hmmmm who could it be.... oh who cares its not like the character is in the list of characters or anything cause clearly someone who can read and said they read the story and is nitpicking about grammer clearly needs to open his eyes!!! You think writing is all about grimmer and the mechanics but it is not. It is about giving the reader something entertaining to read!!! Of course you could see the foreshadowing because you couldn't enjoy the story cause you were too busy knit picking. That is the problem with you people you knit pick but never ever do you read the story for fun. I'm sort of sorry for you that your too engrossed in looking for mechanics instead of enjoying and picking up on the foreshadowing.
4277735
They guy had some good things to say, no need to be mad at him about it. He did bring up some good points to the table. The pacing of the story does seem a little off, as well as the characters themselves. I don't even want to see more of Shining Armor if this is all he has to offer.
Obviously this story isn't even close to being finished so i'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt. I shall be waiting for the
that you shall be doing before I give a more "rebust" review like
4276737 . But so far, this isn't a story that I would want to follow any time soon.
Also, they say a good writer doesn't respond to his critics. Being sarcastic just makes you look like you can't take reasonable feedback. Plus,
, Isn't helping your case.
4277907 yeah I kinda made an ass of myself its just my computer is down for the count so everything I write on a phone with my thick fingers sucks so yeah not my luck this week. But I did say thank you for the good criticism so I did not just write it off and her right the pacing is off and all but the criticism that deep and not even noticing the foreshadowing pissed me off.
4277735 I am dreadfully sorry about your condition, I would call a doctor, too see just how bad the damage is
All I see is a large amount of poor syntax, punctuation, capitalization, and logical fallacies.
Also, I don't know if anyone has mentioned this. YOUR CHARACTERS ARE OOC AS SATAN'S HOT DEMON GEL
4286879 um what are ooc and why are they hot like satans demon gel?
4296424 Your characters are Out Of Character, they are like Satan's Lubrication, you'd expect it to make the buttsecks less painful, but instead it just makes it burn even worse.
4296449 Hehe well you'll find out why hint shining in the closet and Mac is acting weird because of something else
4297023
You didn't catch my point, so ill make this really fuckin obvious to you.
YOUR CHARACTERS ARE NOT ACTING LIKE THE CHARACTERS IN THE SHOW YOU ABOMINABLE TWIT!
4297086 ugh for the love of Celestia of course not cause its all getting tied together in chapter 3 & 4 when i get my computer fixed you will find out why!!! and when i get my computer back ill fix the grammar cause my phone sucks at letting me edit!! Celestia geez doesnt anyone read my comments at all?!!
Stop using celestia like an actual exclamation.