I know it is not finished but I would like some criticism to help my work and get this story on track.

Space your paragraphs, bro.

>.>
well pagins is no problem but....don't say penis. say cock

Hm... one protip; show don't tell.

To give you an example (it's a bit gorry, i know).

plain version. He shot the pony twise in the head killing the mare instantly.

Pro version. The loud bang from his revolver rippled through the air on the same time as the gun kicked violantly throwing him slightly off aim. A second bang followed closely. The shot wasn't necesary, it was more to make sure the mare really was dead. And dead she really was. She had given up her life before she had hit the ground.

Trust me, it makes reading a LOT more interresting. A pluss is that you also get a longer story, which looks good

Space your paragraphs and use more description. Otherwise pretty good.
applejack.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/135181870937.gif

Not bad over all a few spelling mistakes but pretty good
P.s maybe you can read my story called my day in ponyville

thanks for the advice most of you except one who i have no clue what redigar is?

BigMacintosh1

Then Caramel slowly applied pressure to Macintosh's wonderful ass giving it a feel and a slap making the gentile giant moan and whinny with excitement

making the gentile giant moan and whinny

the gentile giant

So relieved that Big Mac's not Jewish, or else so much of my previous clopping would be sin. WHEW.

Thank you I had typed this up on my IPod so auto correct must have picked a different word.
Thank you for noticing.

BigMacintosh1

This is Great. I enjoyed reading this.

Poor apple bloom

AppleBlooms face was drenched in the semen

Not sure if gusta.

bitch please,

The only thing that can turn men lustful and gay is Gaurrus Vakarian

He's the only man that makes chuck Norris himself question his sexuality