Michael is a human who just lives his life. Will his life change when he just shows up in the world of Equestria? Will he be able to adapt to the ponies that inhabit the area and to be the only human living on this world. Will he want to return home?
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*ahem*
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Nope.
Hmm... Dunsparce senses some... familiar things. He can't but his drill tail on it, though.
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cut the "This is my first fanfic" part from your description....it's a troll magnet
1715462Says the person who has Lyra USC king a banana
1717214 Try clearing your catch or refreshing. It's been back to my old avatar for almost a week now.
i like this i find it interesting please write more
I really like this story so far. Keep up the good work.
“Our species is technology advanced.” (Proper grammar is "Technologically", not technology) I reply.
Everyone in the room was looking at me funny. Each pony started asking questions on what technology was.
"Do you not know how to speak Equestrian?" Twilight Sparkle responded
Everyone in the room was looking at me funny. Each pony started asking questions on what technology was.
Really, ponies don't know science? I thought Twilight loved science. Fix the loopholes in the story and this story will have the potential to be god-like.
“Earth.” I reply. “Our planet is the fifth largest of the eight planets we have in our solar system. Earth is also nicknamed ‘the Blue Planet’. Earth is also the third planet away from the sun. We have one moon that orbits our planet while Earth orbits the sun. We have about seven million humans populating the planet.”
First of all it's billion, second of all fix the loopholes. Look underneath the underneath. I like the knowledge you use but, please for the love of god fix the loopholes. What about our orbiting with the planet? ( I know Twilight asks him later about this but, how can HE know that they are gasping at the number of humans? If anything you should only explain that they are gasping not what they are supposedly gasping about. You only create more loopholes by doing that.) They don't have that. You have them being exasperated about the human being able to talk but, you have no explanation for how they accept him so fast. Even if they don't take him seriously because of his injuries, you should still explain that in the story. So once again, fix the loopholes and grammar and you will have a great story.
Wowieyouarereallytallyouknow?Idon'tthinkI'veeverseenanyoneastallasyouinmylife.WellexceptprincessCelestia.OhandNightmareMoon.MaybeprincessLunatoo,butonlyifyouaretalkingaboutnightmarenight,becausewhenIfirstsawhershewasn'tastallassheisnow . . .” she was interrupted by a blue hoof being shoved into her mouth to shut her up.
Why don't you just explain that pinkie pie is talking incredibly fast instead of mashing the words together in an almost unreadable fashion? Use all sensory details when adding detail sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. Add all of them when explaining instead of trying to mash words together. It only puts difficulty on the reader. Only because I know Pinkie Pies personality, that I'm able to assume she is speed talking. Anyone who reads this that doesn't know her (however unlikely) will have no idea what the fuck you are doing, and assume you are a uneducated dumbass who doesn't know how to use the space-bar.
“Lovely names.” The girls blushed slightly at my comment. “My name is Michael. Michael Scott, but you can just call me Mike, and I am a Homo Sapien or Human for short.”
The girls blush at my comment. First of all they are ponies. Second of all what kind of backwards slut blushes at a simple compliment. The easy going of the girls blushing means that they already see you as a potential male to date. Meaning the usual logic behind not trusting a strange creature is ignored. The girls blushing at saying lovely names only serves to drag them through the ground. That or it makes you look like a horny teenager that is eager too eager to fuck them. It is the small details that matter in a story. I like how you talked about the details of the story breaking the flow of dialogue but, the way it was done could be vastly improved.
Lastly, no one cares about the music you hot-linked in the story. The music that is quoted tit of tat is boring and stupid. It would be better if you just gave the name of the song and artist him were playing instead, and instead of copying the music you imagined. Instead you wrote about the details that happened around you instead of filling the space with music that people already know about.
“So, you want to know what technology is.” I ask.
They nod in response.
Seriously though, there aren't neanderthals they are ponies... PONIES HAVE SCIENCE! they just rely on magic and that causes them to lack in science when compared to humans... They know what technology is...... *GOSH*
“Another disadvantage is animals. Animals are killed every year on the roads. We call this Roadkill. I know it’s sad, but a lot of people take injured animals to an animal hospital is that were to happen.” I say.
“T-that’s horrible!” Fluttershy says in a very upset tone. She looks very sad now.
Tip of advice. Instead of just stating whatever character is feeling. You could present the information in a manner that would let you conclude that. Instead of saying Fluttershy is upset and sad, like you did. You could instead explain that by stating how she looks and the tone she is taking in her voice.
Example. ("T-that's horrible!" Fluttershy stated as her eyes dilated and her wings snapped back into her body. Her quivering body indicated the obvious distress she was feeling at the moment.)
“Anyway, transportation is a huge contributor to air pollution, or unhealthy air, in most nations........."
Transportation isn't the huge contributor to air pollution. Misrepresentation of information causes even more loopholes in your story. If you want to know the truth, the truth is that cooperation refinery factories cause the majority of air pollution. Cars have a VERY, VERY small part in air pollution. Toxic dumping and factory pollution are the main causes. I forgot the actual statistic (so please look it up) but, the a year of car pollution is equivalent o a single minute of the pollution a single factory exhibits. (Why are they surprised by cars? Didn't Flim and Flam have a similar contraption that was powered by magic? So shouldn't they be more impressed with engines running off of fossil fuels?)
Here is some knowledge for you to digest. America used to have a much more extensive and cheaper source of transportation. THE RAILS LINES. I forgot the group was called as it evades me, but basically it was the coalition of 3 companies. Firestone, Ford, and Esso. They convinced 55 cities that rail lines would be better operated by private cooperation's because government run programs are inefficient, so they bought the rail lines. They later tore up and destroyed them. They costed tax payer's trillions when replacing the rail system with a bus system. (Houston TX, can't host the Olympics because of the inadequate transportation, if we still had the rails there this wouldn't be a problem.) Each company was only fined $5,000 dollars on conspiracy and fraud in 1947 and Ford was only fined $1 with a year of probation. These monopoly's are still present in today's America. Cooperation's OWN America with political contributions.
I explained them about Google, Wikipedia, YouTube, Facebook, and a few other famous social network sites. (Google, Youtube, and Facebook all thank you for spreading word of them.)
Cooperation's like free advertising. Remember the day when Youtube didn't have advertisements on it? Yeah, it wasn't a cooperation then.
I give this a 6/10... This could easily be a 7/10 if you fix the loop holes.... This could be a 8/10 if you fix the grammar and add more details... You could be even higher if you thought outside the box.. If you invented a new line of reasoning instead. ( Twilight messed up a spell and brought me here.) A person had to come up with that, get cracking on a new idea, buddy.
I know, I'm giving you a lot of shit. But, I only give advice to people who's stories I generally enjoy. I do enjoy this story, this has the potential to be legendary. Please keep up the good work.
I can hear the door creak open, and the sounds of hoofsteps coming in to my room. I turn around to see Twilight walk in, but as soon as she saw me she had a small blush come across her muzzle.
“What’s with the blush, Twilight?” I ask to the blushing unicorn.
“…Umm… it’s just you are not wearing a shirt; and well…” she stutters words as she tries to come up with a sentence.
Ponies walk around naked all the time, why is she feeling antsy about him being shirtless. FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA think of the ponies culture and fix the loopholes man.
I look down to see I am not wearing a shirt. I am quite muscular, I usually go to the gym and lift weights, run, and exercise to keep myself in shape. Might as well tease her a bit. “You like what you see, Twilight?”
Again you're coming off WAY to strong. You sound like a horny teenager that wants to fuck a pony, instead of a confused and awkward human that unexpectedly finds love outside his species when he WASN'T planning on it. It almost seems like this human wanted to come to Equestria just to fuck ponies. (you're coming on to strong, back off the romance should be surprising and unexpected.)
cool.
1767833 I appreciate the advice, I'll get these in mind. I don't mind being corrected, the advice will just help me get a better idea at what I am about to write.
good story
, can't wait for next chapter.
ok, a few issues.
You make a big point about him having his backpack (how extremely convenient) but don't give any indication as to what happened to his car or how he and his backpack got there without it. If you want him to be equipped with his things, just have the whole freaking bashed up car go there.
An EASY way to fix this issue is you can have him drive into a fog and suddenly slam into a tree. Then when he leaves the car, he realizes there is no road anywhere around him and isn't sure how the car even got there. He could then go into the car to get his things while trying to backtrack to where the road might be.
I wont go into the argument about how difficult it is to 'hide' a 40 cal pistol in a backpack even ignoring the extra box of ammo. I will also not go into the argument about what kind of idiot keeps a pistol in their backpack without something covering the trigger or how much more of an idiot goes 'gangsta' and does the same thing when shoving a loaded chambered pistol into their belt/pants. Even a cheap 'uncle mikes' holster would keep the trigger covered as well as hold retention so the thing doesn't come popping out when you walk.
Instead I will ask this... You made a huge point about the fact that he had a pistol with him, and then completely forgot about it in the next chapter. What happened to it? why isn't he at all concerned where it went? Is it off somewhere having tea with Twilights knife from 'The Literary Appeal'?
He asks Twilight for his stuff, checks that his computer is there and then completely skips the unaccounted for deadly weapon. I suppose if he is enough of an idiot to ignore basic handgun safety (such as using a holster) he is also dumb enough to go 'I seem to have misplaced my firearm... oh well'.
And speaking of the computer... why isn't he worried about the battery dying on him?
Other points...
Medical practices are fairly universal. If someone is brought into a hospital unconscious, the medical staff are going to take the victims clothes off to check for any injuries. It would be rather stupid to fix a head-wound just to have a patient bleed to death from another wound because you didn't want to take their pants off.
They also would want to wash him to prevent infection. It is rather hard to wash someone with clothes on.
They are also likely to keep them overnight for observation after they regain consciousness to ensure there aren't any other lingering issues. It would be very poor medical practice to go "oh, you have been unconscious with a large head wound for a couple days, but as you are awake now you can check out whenever you like".
That is of course ignoring the fact that he is a 'new' species and they would DEFINITELY want to form some type of baseline records in the event of a future accident.
Why are the girls having their excited 'it could be a new species' chat in his room TWO DAYS after finding him? I would think they would have the initial 'rush' of discovery out of their systems by then.
The doctors would likely have also cleared up the whole 'what gender is it' thing long before then.
1798931 I see your point, I'll start making corrections and improvements when I have the spare time. I appreciate the advice, good sir/madam
I am liking this story. I can't wait for more!
When you updating this?
Another really good chapter. Lets hope that the gala turns out alright.
Well, shoot! I was re-typing Chapter 3 when the power went out!
Some idiot crashed into a pole, causing a power outage throughout the whole area I live in. To add to that, I was never given the chance to save so now I have to retype the chapter... again.
Chapter 3 should be up again in a few days. I apologize for the delay.
When will you be updating this?
Any chance of a date for a new chapter?
2042886
As of right now, no.
My monitor recently crashed on me and I have to get a new one. School has been difficult with me lately too, with mid-terms and other tests.
Once I get a new monitor I guarantee I will get right back working on the story.
On a completely unrelated topic: iPods are a pain to type with...
2042947 Hehe yeah they are.
No worries then man, good to see that you are still alive!
He was just lucky not to throw up after being teleported.
Classic HiE story with a lot of loopholes and things making no senses, just like NotABrony and FicCritic says.
It's not bad, but all these errors and nonsenses rub me in the wrong sense to make the story enjoyable for me.
2324177
Now that I reread the story myself, I agree with you.
The way I was pretty much writing this was like this: I wrote what came to mind.
I never gave the story much thought. I think of something, then I write it, and post it.
I might just reconsider, rewrite the whole thing, and actually give it some thought first before posting.
But first I have to prepare for some major tests coming up in a week or two.
Thank you for your opinion though, I appreciate it.
- W
Well, at least he wont completely become a vegetarian. Though Celestia was being very harsh about not allowing him to hunt.
lets see here... woke up in a new place after crashing... check.
area im moving through has obvious hostile feel to it... check.
creatures that have no earthly buisness for existing... check.
what the hell? did i end up in silent hill or something! lol
man those Final Exams must be one hell of a dozy
It's always something when having a drinking challenge all of a sudden.
Fluttershy... you literally live right next to the everfree!
1767833
Do (or did) you know the definition of 'loophole' when you commented this?
I guess your dead then, right?
That's sad, I was looking forward to more chapters :(
"Mike what?"
"Mike Hawk"