After falling asleep in a park you (Phil) recall from your childhood during a drunken wander, you find yourself amongst the land of Equestria; the land of ponies, peace, harmony, friendship and where the female to male ratio is 10:1 (and that's an understatement). You then spend your time finding out how you ended up in Equestria, all the while having fun, making friends, maybe even finding love finally. Oh, and who's to say you won't be a complete arsehole about the whole situation? However, with you and your sub conscience at your arsenal, who can really stop you from being one? A simple man in a magical land with pegasi, unicorns and earth bound ponies with the strength of a freight train, things will surely end up fine, right?
A second person story if you haven't realised by now.
Hey if its not too much to ask could you post constructive criticism in the comments so i can improve in future. If you don't wanna be constructive however, a simple video posting of the TF2 Spy saying "You suck." is enough for me.
I was tempted to read this story, but the text is thick like concrete, a bit of space between some sentences can make the text easier to read.
Could be written better, but an okay beginning to a story that could be quite awesome.
Other than splitting the text up a bit, I approve!
Alright. So spacing (done in future chapters because tampering has gotten the better of my nerves) and ill think about plot construction. Thanks
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Worked on the spacing a bit but there's nothing I could do about the opening paragraph. It's all a mASSive mess and it's also very irrelevant/irrelephant that it stay stuck together like that.
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Tell me how I can improve, I went over it a bit but I'm shooting blanks without gunpowder... And other key components to an actual bullet.
New chapter out. Please enjoy and give me feedback of possible. I always revisit old work and update it if i don't like it/feedback
I wouldn't be wasting those batteries in the mp3 player. Electricity may be hard to come by in Equestria!
As for the story, I didn't notice any grammatical errors whilst reading through, which is good :)
Look forward to the next chapter, and good luck writing it.
A ton better than most of the FICs I write, good work!
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don't worry i got it sorted.... Oh fuck no i don't!!!! Don't worry though i got ot under control and thanks you kindly
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Really? You write good stories too though.
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Oh yeah, this fic is at least ten times better in my opinion.
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oh you stahp you're making me blush.
Nice work so far.
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thanks for that. Now i have motivation to wrote another chapter.
That my friends is chapter 2. I will try to put another chapter out next week but keep in mind i also have exams for the next four weeks, followed by a two week vacation. So don't expect too much from me. The usual constructive criticism if you have it and please tell me if you enjoy it. Or like it whatever.
epic win much?
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thanks it means alot to me.
Amazing as usual, can't wait for more.
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oh please. You're making me blush.
1458870 please do!
HAHAHA! Trollestia Strikes!
Nice. Like I said, can't go wrong with the Beatles. Keep on writing my friend, and have a good day.
Hahahah, Phil Werrell, Will Ferrell. I see what you did there.
Also, I really like the discussions with his brain.
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Damn, you've found the beginning inspiration to the novel. "Stranger than Fiction" is a pretty good movie though...
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Thanks. I actually didn't expect that whilst writing.
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You too Aevus. Beatles five ever.
Run Foo run like the wind!
HAHAAH! Nice chapter again good sir!
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Hey we can buff out those scratches don't worry.
Im glad you enjoy my novel, therefore smiles for the children.
Ah, sexual innuendo. Never gets old.
I like that you used Colgate, I don't think she gets enough recognition. I hope she comes back into the story later.
(P.S I think you mean sapient beings, not sentient beings)
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Sentient in reference to all things living rather than just him because:
1. He/"You" has/have a big ego (He/"You" don't... yet... maybe... I'm not that progressed to make a decision)
2. I can't find where it is because I'm actually a bat.
And as for Colgate, although I agree strongly on her lack of usage (probably one of my favourite background ponies) I'm not to decide whether or not she makes a comeback (possible sexual innuendo).... What the hell am I saying? I'm the author.
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Sapience does not simply mean humans. Only humans in real life have sapience. It means "ability to apply knowledge or experience or understanding or common sense and insight". So pretty much anything that has complex speech and thinking such as humans and in this case, ponies and griffins and the like.
Also, it is near the end when he is talking about the children. I believe it was his brain who said it.
Plus, regarding Colgate, I see that romance tag on this story. Sexual innuendo indeed! I may be wrong but that's what it seems to me.
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This also shows I actually am a bat due to my inability to see that because hypersonic noise waves don't work on my phone... Except telling me how close it is.
And regarding Colgate I've got something nice and juicy planned out if I make it that far but I'll have to ask Phil. (It's all onions to me)
CHAPTER! Now that it's finally here, maybe I should release the three chapters of Fortepiano that I wrote?
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Haha, I know Mr. Aevus it's been far too long for this story update and I do apologize.
Not just to you but to everyone who has thus so far enjoyed this novel. It.... It brings tears to my eyes you know?
So, what did you think about this chapter eh?
(Oh my GOODNESS Forte Piano chapters, kiss me right now.)
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Yea should be out in the next few days. *Kisses*
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Mmmmm, das duh stahff.
Seems to me you're a MITE over-exaggerating some aspects of the characters - like making Rainbow Dash incredibly stupid and unable to listen when someone tells her something. Still... interesting, so far.
Good story. Even though the only thing that got me reading it in the first place was a probably unintentional Mentally Advanced Series reference in the description. ('Female to male ratio of 10:1', Episode 9, time 5:05-5:08 (Is it weird that I know that?)) Can't wait for more.
hahahahahaha haha haha
I may be able to help with your chat box problem. The first question is what are you trying to achieve with this fic, what is your goal with this story? After I know that, I can probably help with how you want to write this story. Because at the moment, the thing that is needed most now is the story to be focused on something.
Great story! You should really consider continuing this!
cuz, you know, it's a good story.