It has been my whole dream to go to Equestria and meet the Mane 6, but I never thought I would become one, let alone fall in love.
As I arrive to Equestria I start becoming more attached to the beings in this universe, living a new life and learning their way of life. But little did I know that with my arrival I had brought an evil from my world. Now its up to the Main 6 and me to stop this new threat, and protect my new love.
Authors Note: This is my first try at making a MLP:IM fic, so I would appreciate any comments, good or bad, it will help me a lot at making better chapters.
Chapters (15)
First person in equestria blahblahblah
you need to make your chapters much longer
1164110
'has been done and redone like a battered Vietnamese prostitute.'
That, sir, was amazing.
You need to make the chapters longer and more interesting. Not 5 words and chapter ended. And your plot...you need something new, like you wake up as Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy or even DISCORD!
In conclusion, go think up a fresh new idea and make your stories more longer and detailed.
1164408 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy_umad.png That wouldn't be a new idea at all...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy_umad.png
>prologe
>MLP:IM
>Random paragraph in the middle of a sentence
Errors in the description already, not looking good.
Sounds like a bland, redone self insert HiE. Again.
Falls in love with one of the mane 6? Now it sounds like mary sue territory, and given all the other factors, it probably is.
If you want people to read this story, I suggest changing some of this.
Let me explain this to you in a very understandable way:
Fuck. No.
Update Update Update
Peels here!
Aaah! Charger!!!!
You really need a pre-reader
1207855 Would you like to be one?
1207914
Sorry but no I have zero time because of school I'm sorry I would love to but school is more time taking then ever in middle school and again it would be a honor
1164471 Yeah, I was just saying, go make something new, not repeating stories, like a broken record player.
1207942 I just going to say this. If your good and ready to complain about somone`s work you should have a good story of your own.
1207942 To me it is like this the more you do it the better you get very simple who knows later on raybrony could be the best at fan-fics.
1319612 well like I said this is my first time trying this, so with time i might get better.
Exactly like my new and first fan fic "Harmony`s Disharmony".
Well this chapter is more of a filler, but it had to be done, I was not going to do the story and somehow being able to act as a pony and use magic without any reason. But I promisse to make the next chapter better.
In another, Im starting to have problems on writting the scenes in the story. Im good on the plot part for now, but I need help when describing the events or the characters, so if you want to help with the story please send me a PM.
Wingardium Leviosa!
1515842
why didn't I think of that?
1516021harry potter
Eh, not that bad. It's just that nothing interesting is happening, Try to add some conflict to the story to make it more appealing.
Lol fluttershy
Oh now this has taken a unique turn! A Nightmare gone Sentient as the agent of his arrival.
Time to fave this!
If you havent' found a pe-reader yet, I would advise running each chapter you have posted through a word processing program that has a spellchecker on it to weed out the typos, then go back and use the edit function at the top of each chapter here to replace them with the corrected versions.
At the least, I hear writers here just love using Googledocs.
1876992 I'm actually writing this in the actual website, find it easier to find than open Gdoc every time. But true, I have to go back and check every chapter to make adjustments. And thanks for the comment, makes me want to write the story even more.
Ok so the 2 pegazus, AND Rarity are after him? Boy that metamorphosis, or make him release some kind of "want it, need it" magic involuntary at all time or he just made a very, very, VERY good impression on them, the only thing missing is that now one of the princess has a crush in him too.
And I agree with you, I honestly, never expected that Shy will had being that forward…lets see how that wolf, ruin the moment, and consider Dash and Rarity, they will not give up so easy either.
Good chapter, I hope the next one don't take to long
Were you planning to make Fluttershy the love interest from the begging? or you originally were not sure of witch pony become his mare friend and Shy won in the end decision?
Well so far, the story is good, and its looks like Nightmare is ready to bite the princess, I can imagine an Idea as how (I will send you a private message to not spoil the surprise if I was correct.
P.S: Are you planning to do what other authors have done, and make a herb, starting with Shy?
1884046 I was originally planing to make my OC, fall for Pinkie
, but after much debate about having a balance of enjoyable moments and confict scenes, I found that Fluttershy was the best candidate 
. And what do you mean make a herb? 
First time I hear of that.
1884108
Its something some author do to make the OC, have more than one mare, basically said that horses and ponys are polygamy by nature, in herbs societies.
A herb is when a Stallion have more than one sexual partner and he is the leader, there is some kind of "Alfa mare" that determine if new mares join the herb, but you get the idea, some authors had explore this concept, to basically make the OC had a harem. I was curious if you were aiming, to do that by the actions of all the main 6, but you kind of answer my question with your question, thanks and sorry if it bother you
Yikes! When it rains, it pours! So it's not just Shy-shy considering him as dating material now that he's taken up the four-on-the-floor life.
Good thing Pinkie is already on the "No" list. Somepony would already have to be a wild party animal before they become a pony to keep up with Pinks.
As it is, Fluttershy is definitely an emotional iceburg! There's far more of her below the surface than what you see. Boy, will she be a hooffull!
Hm? I think Lightningace means "Herd" as presented IRL and in "Xenophilia" and "Xenophilia Notes"
While a stallion can fight to win a place in a herd IRL, its usually up to the mares whether he's in or out in the end. If the Lead mare accepts him, they all do. if she dont, they are going to keep him quite uncomfortable until he's ousted by a better stud.
I admit I am sorely tempted with my ponytale after reading "Xenophilia" and how flawless IRL Herd Psychology fits with canon, but it's hard to pull off without edging into Gary Stu territory.
and almost be as hard to keep up with as Pinkie Pie if you have her trust.
Its up to you, but I think your OC will be quite occupied with Fluttershy. I have a suspicion she's quite the closet freak as it is
more attach to the beings
more attach(ed) to the beings
also,
As I arrive to Equestria I start becoming more attach to the beings in this universe, living a new life and learning their way of life, but little did I know that with my arrival I had brought an evil from my own world, rather my own mind, and now its up to my and the Mane 6(the Main 6 and me) to stop this new threat, and protect my new love.
^That is one massive run on sentence put some periods in there.
First thing someone looks at is the summary.
1918988 Thanks for the info. As I said before English isn't my first language, I just hope I can make an enjoyable story.
Wait, if the creature feed of Nightmares, and the first time he manage to almost kill it, because it didn't feed of Equestria magic, those that mean that now he is vulnerable to dream magic or human magic again? And the elements only need to activated his inner magic again in other to harm him? Or they need to fusion human and Equestria magic to create a new and powerful beam to stop it once and for all?
Also…very interesting that even Luna has an eye for him, a little creapy that she watch him while he is sleep, but oh well, she is not familiar to the modern courting rituals.
P.S: Did you now understand my question about the idea of a herb? And if you do, are considering it?
1922835 Well he was made of human magic at first, but because it went to another realm, his magic source also change, depending of where he is he adapts to that places own magic and makes it it's own. And he feeds off dreams in general, being good or bad, but Nightmares are stronger for him as he was made from one, and also enjoys see other suffer from them.
And I do understand what you mean by herd, but I always picture the ponies from Equestria to have a social life customs more similar to the humans. Specially since in these story, Equestria is made from the dreams of all the humans on earth, so because it came from the minds of humans, that have a different type of social life from the equines of earth, it makes sense that the ponies share part of this thoughts as well.
Dude, shut up your making my head hurt from all your rambling.
You wouldn't
Hey, get back in the story, or I'll make it harder for you to get Shy to like you again.
Who has control over the story and what happens on it?
...
That's what I thought.
Very nice, a good way to star again the friendship with Fluttershy, for the reaction of Rarity and Dash I wonder if they will still will compete for his affection, well for now we know that they will stay closer to him to prevent he do another stupid move, je probable Dash will ever tell him that that is HER department
1958940 If you have pay attention the past few chapters, you would have notice that Dash felt ok with me liking Shy, and Rarity was all exicted with the idea of the two of us dating, so I guess the only one to sort out is Luna, that's gonna be hard to do. And I think the girls will try to do just that, but you know how we guys are, we do stupid things that could kill us.
1960205
sad but true, but most of the time we do it with only one thing on our head, protect our loves ones
Lets see, if you are putting the traps that were in the second episode then…the next trap will be Princess Luna trying to make Luis join his nightmare, or shadows off the main six appear, replace the original, while nobody is looking and then act o very hostile o very…touchy toward Luis and make him fear them
2016684 I kind of messed up as to where they end up each time, the next part is kind of like the cliff where Applejack saved Twilight from falling to her doom. And the thing about the girls being replace may not happen, but something similar; you will find out soon enough.
1. You may want to fix the spelling errors (missing letters).
2.
When did they get inside a building?
2062526 wow, and I checked it like three times, oh well thanks for pointing those errors out.
Another of these boring Bronies in Equestria self-insert Mary-sueish story ? Just no.
Great use of the princesses.
I can't wait for the next chapter or the chapter after that. It's going to be a fun read, if your going where I think your going with Twilight and her friends. 
If not, then it still will be a fun read. 
The "keep the doctor away" part is a reference to the saying "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"
2259574 What DO u think is going on...I HATE CLIFFHANGERS
Update?