Canterlot. The city of the alicorns, of the elite, of the powerful… of the rich snobs that would cry if they had to face a quarter of the things a normal pony shrugged off. At Lemonseed’s Bistro, two such ponies were sitting down to a nice meal.
"I must say, when I got the invitation to dine for free at this restaurant, I was not expecting the food to be so exquisite!"
Jet Set's wife, Upper Crust, nodded her head in agreement. "The oat soup is simply divine, my dear. I swear, it alone could be a full meal!"
"Yes... you can really taste the multitude of flavors every time you take a sip." Jet Set took another sip, savoring the mouthful.
Upper Crust frowned, looking down at her spoon. "Really? I would say it is a well made broth but I do not taste a multitude of flavors."
"How can you not?" Jet Set exclaimed, wondering if his wife’s pallet was truly weaker than he had thought. "Why, I get a woody texture, along with a touch of sweet grass and a melody of rose pedals and olive leaves!"
"I taste none of that," Upper Crust complained. "All I taste is almonds..."
Jet Set frowned but before he could question his wife's pallet the waiter arrived, refilling their glasses. "Sir, might I ask that you pass my thanks along to your employer for the free meal. I will gladly return here as a paying customer."
"I will pass along your praise but I can not give your thanks."
"Beg pardon?"
"I am afraid that we are not the one paying for the meal." The waiter passed over a slip of paper. "Your benefactor refused to give his name and would only provide this when we asked for a title."
Jet Set opened the slip and found, of all things, the mark of the Assassins' Brotherhood. "Upper Crust, what do you make of... my dear?"
Upper Crust's eyes had rolled back in her head and bloody foam gurgled from her lips. A girlish scream ripped through the air (coming from waiter) and all turned as Upper Crust slumped down, her face coming to rest in her arsenic soup.
"I know you are dying but please, darling, do so with a bit more dignity! We are in public!" Jet Set complained.
From high upon a rooftop, Angel the Bunny, aka Angelo Bunnitore de Ponyville watched on, nose twitching before he disappeared into the shadows.
The God Squad
Episode 15: Cannonball Shark Jumping
"You know, I made a list of ways I'd like to die!" Shining held on tight to the trembling wagon as Bandit took a sharp turn and nearly sent the entire structuring flipping side over side. "I mean, I wanted to just be prepared, you know?"
"Prepared for what?" Celestia shouted over the rumble of the wagon wheels.
"You know... if Death gave me a chance to pick my fate. I would hate to be put on the spot if the Reaper suddenly appeared and told me to choose my method of expiration."
"You honestly think that would happen?" Luna called out, ducking just as a blast of magic came flying at her.
"I never thought I would be married to a nympho princess! Life has a way of surprising you." Shining glanced over at his heat stroke-infected bride, who was currently singing the Zebrica national anthem. "I had a lot of good deaths on my list... dying from too much sex-"
"Considering who you are married too that is a good possibility," Luna groused, turning to fire a blast of magic at Butane T. Justice, the crazy lawstallion that was on their tails.
"Or being crushed under yummy chocolate or being mauled by sexed up supermodels... but being shot by a crazy unicorn while trying to restrain a delirious capricorn doesn't even come close to cracking the Top 10!" Shining reached down, slamming his hooves on Tydal's tail before the thrashing capricorn could cut his leg off.
"Shows how much you know about Equestria! This was one of the main causes of death a thousand years ago." Celestia quickly threw up a shield, just managing to intercept several of Justice's shots. "I think it went heart disease, the trots, Tydal/Luna not getting enough sleep and this."
"I think I was higher up than the trots," Luna complained.
"Weed! Weed and gay marriage as far as the eye can see!" Tydal called out before trembling and sobbing like a foal. The capricorn was suffering worse from the heat than all of them, having lapsed into a semi-lucid state due to the lack of water and the intense blaze.
"We really need to get to a lake or something," Shining muttered, checking his empty canteen for the 15th time and confirming it was still out of water (he was still hoping the bottled water fairy was real and she would magically make so H2O appear).
"We are about 2 miles out!" Bandit called out. "As long as nothing bad happens-"
"Jinx! I call jinx!" Luna called out quickly, praying she could head off the bad luck.
"STAMPEDE!" Braeburn (who'd managed to finally pry his mouth open after Luna had sealed it shut) called out from the front of the wagon, pointing ahead of them. The princesses and the royal guardsman looked out along the desert and saw, to their horror, that a stampede of stallions being led by Thunder Thighs was fast approaching them. "Oh, why didn't we bring some pies to throw at them?"
"For the last time pies are not weapons!" Luna shouted. “They are tasty treats that are enjoyed by the young and old! Stop suggesting we use them as weapons!”
“…what about donuts?”
Luna grabbed Braeburn and began to wiggle him in the air. “Here you go, Mr. Justice! A nice juicy target!”
The Bandit managed to skid to a stop, the wagon just barely missing him, and the princesses hurried down. Shining erected (heehee… erected) a shield around them just as Justice came charging towards them and Thunder Thighs’ gang stopped a few short yards away.
“What the hay is going on here?” Celestia complained, tapping her horn against the forcefield. “You said we had two days to get to Manehattan… it hasn’t even been 24 hours!”
Thunder Thighs shrugged. “Well, originally I was just going to cheat. That’s why I told Butane here about the Bandit, since I knew you would go to him for help.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“… I don’t know! The point is, I realized that making bets like that is stupid. So, I decided just to kill all of you and be done with it.”
“That is surprisingly smart,” Luna stated.
“Stop complimenting the gangster,” Shining hissed.
“Now then… please drop your shield and I will make your death quick and painless.”
Braeburn laughed. “I’m afraid you’re the one that is going to get a painful death-“
“Don’t say it,” Luna moaned.
“-via pies! APPPPPLELOOOOSA! ASSEMBLE!”
From seemingly out of no where the entire population of Appleloosa suddenly (and conveniently) appeared to the right of Thunder Thighs’ group, armed to the teeth with pies (but ironically they weren’t using their teeth to eat the pies… and by ironic I mean the Alanis Moressette way and not the real ironic). The townsfolk readied their weapons, each flaky crust filled with death (and apples).
“Miss Sunny Days and I knew that something like this might happen, so we decided to have the townsfolk follow and ambush ya at your own ambush!” Braeburn bragged.
Celestia shrugged. “What can I say… I like to scheme.”
“Well… looks like we have a good ol’ fashion standoff!” Bandit said, rolling his shoulders and preparing for battle.
“Yes… this could go on for hours,” Justice declared, the two sides staring down each other. "And hours and hours-"
“No…” Tydal moaned, slowly rising up, his eyes blood red as his fury burst forth. “No… NOOOOOO!!!" Magic violently burst from his horns, forcing everyone to back away. "I need water… I need water now and you will not deny me!” He threw back his head and everyone was blinded by a blast of blue-green light. When it cleared, the two sides found a third group had arrived: the entire capricorn royal guard, being led by Princesses Coral and Misty.
“Daddy!” Coral giggled bouncing over to the bubble her father was in. “Huh… you look all dry and crunchy. Can I nibble on your leg, it looks yummy!”
“Are you ok, dad?” Misty (the more sane and rational of the twins) asked in concern.
“No…" Tydal leaned against the forccefield, stroking it. "Daddy needs you to do him a big-kid favor… I want you to violently murder everypony here, harvest the water from their bodies and let me drink it.”
Coral blinked. “… okie dokey!”
“You heard the king! Leave no survivors!” Misty called out as the capricorn army turned and faced down Thunder Thighs horde and the townsfolk. The capricorns began to bellow, their tails thrashing as they readied themselves for a bloodbath.
“Time to show you how we do this, APPPPPLELOOOSA! Style!” Braeburn declared, holding a pie in each hoof and daring somepony to come at him.
“HOLD IT!” Shining Armor called out, forming more bubbles around the three armies. “Don’t you all see what is happening here? Things have gotten way too insane and silly! There is no way this can continue! If it does I fear for reality itself!” Everypony, buffalo and capricorn sadly looked away, chastised (and disappointed they wouldn't get a fight). Shining, sensing that he was being listened to, continued. “Now then… I think if we all sit down and have a rational discussion-“
He never got to finish, as at that moment the TARDIS landed beside him and Twilight burst out in a full panic. “Shiny, Princess Celestia, I need your help!”
“Twiley, what the-“
“The dalek empire found out about Rollypolly and now they want to take him back!” Rollypolly, the dalek Twilight had adopted (a long story…) hurried out of the TARDIS alongside a befuddled Doctor and rolled over to the unicorn, who gave it a hug. “I need your help fighting them off! I am not giving up my baby!”
“My faithful student,” Celestia said, “I would love to help but sometimes you must fight your own battles. Also, I am in the middle of a war between three armies so I am a touch busy.”
“Oh,” Twilight said, finally realizing that they weren’t alone. “Uh… could you all maybe wait and solve my problem first?”
“Ego much?” Luna muttered.
Thunder Thighs shrugged. “I guess so. Do any of you mind if we wait on our war while they settle her's?” The capricorns and the townsfolk shrugged. “Well then, I guess we can-“
“That is the one!” a high pitched voice squealed. Everypony turned (yet again) and watched as a battalion of daleks landed on the OTHER side of Luna and her group. The lead dalek, who was wearing an apron and had a blonde wig on her metal shell, pointed her eyestalk at Twilight. “That is the purple hussy that stole my baby!”
“Rollypolly staying with Mama Sparkle!” the baby dalek squealed.
“That’s right! You’ll have to come through me and these other three armies who I am going to force to fight my battle!” Twilight shouted, her horn flashing as she removed Shining's shields. She moved to stand in front of her baby and lit up her horn (which isn’t as naught as it sounds).
“Wait, so we are fighting together now?” Thunder Thighs asked Misty as their two sides joined the townsfolk in facing down the dalek empire.
“Looks like it.”
“Did none of you listen to anything I said?” Shining complained.
“NO!” everyone else shouted before charging at each other, screaming bloody murder. There were lasers and pies and fish tails and there was even a shark riding on a pony, throwing nets at anything that moved. Misty was riding on one of the daleks while Coral was dancing about the battlefield, blasting aliens. Thunder Thighs and Braeburn were back to back countering attacks while Twilight had somehow ended up on top of the wagon, using Butane’s limp body as a club to beat back the daleks that were trying to swarm her. Luna was summoning bats to attack anything that annoyed her and Celestia had donned armor that made her look like Nightmare Moon, calling upon the rays of the sun to ‘destroy the metal thingies’. Tydal was on the ground licking at any puddle of blood he could find, desperate for water. The Bandit, for his part, was over on the side with the Appleloosa school mare, asking her to go get some coffee with him after the fight.
Shining lowered his head in defeat. “You know what? I give up! I’m going to bash my head against the ground till I put myself in a coma. Enjoy being insane.” The stallion lay on his belly, raising his head up to begin the smashing. He never got started as he spotted in the sky, of all things, Scootaloo, who was leading a band of birds towards the battle.
“Sing the song of battle and let the war be joined!” the filly cried out.
Scootaloo’s Army
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
“The Eagles are coming!” Cadence shouted happily, waving a trident in the air. Shining just stared at the madness (which was epic and would take 10,000 words to describe...) before he just sighed and began to strike his head against the ground over and over.
Scootaloo's Army
Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel california
Any time of year, you can find it here
~MC~MC~MC~
“Shining… Shining!”
Shining Armor groaned, blinking as he tried to clear his vision. It took him a few minutes to realize he was in a hospital bed, his forehead bandaged up tightly and a heart monitor attached to his left foreleg.
“He’s awake!” Cadence called out and Shining found himself surrounded by Luna, Celestia, and Tydal. “Oh honey, we were so worried about you after you hit your head like that!”
“Wait…hit my head?” He smiled in relief. “You mean all of that was a dream?”
“All of what was a dream?” Luna asked, confused.
“The war between the capricorns and that buffalo and the daleks…”
Celestia laughed. “Oh… no, that really did happen.”
Shining’s smile fell. “What?”
“It really happened… t’was a glorious battle!” Tydal was sipping on a red smoothie held tightly by his magic, nearly moaning in delight as he got his fluid levels back up to their proper levels.
“You mean we really fought in a battle with 5 armies?” Shining asked.
“Who’s this ‘we’ you speak of?” Luna asked in annoyance. “We all fought… you smashed your head into the ground like a wuss.”
Cadence nodded happily. “Yeah… it escalated pretty quickly. I killed a dalek with a trident!”
“You know, you might want to lay low for a while… I think you are wanted for murder on 12 different planets,” Luna said.
“Oh, leave her be! I’m glad she did that; if she hadn’t that dalek would have gotten me!” Celestia nuzzled the pink alicorn. “You saved my flank back there.”
“You saved my flank earlier!” Cadence stated solemnly.
Shining’s head felt like it was going to burst.
“By the way, before you ask… yes, this smoothie is red for the exact reasons you are thinking,” Tydal said with a smirk before going back to his drink. “And by that I mean it is made of blood.”
Shining rolled his eyes. “Yup… not a dream at all.”
Sometimes I just like going all out. Sometimes I just like throwing cation to the wind and having the crazy run wild.
This really did feel like a callback to The Many Secret Origins, what with Rollypolly, the head bashing and everything else. I had a kick figuring out the different armies and how the battle would just get nuttier and nuttier. And yeah, the Hobbit and Anchorman played a big party in this.
Love the reference to current events. Never thought Tydal would be conservative though.
wow the doctor and the Hobbit. never thought i would see it
The story image is labeling Celestia as a schemer... now according to The Joker, that would make her pathetic, are you calling Celestia pathetic?
... Haha! Twilight finally gave in to the madness!
Shining Armor is going to die of a aneurysm at this rate though!
Damn where was batmane and spidermare in all of this
Oh MAR GEERDDDDD A Hobbit fan I see. Aww shit that was epic I read the book but to see it ponyfied makes it waay better (Well not way better but just as cool)
There is no words to how that battle would be to sell it lik more epics than all the lord of the ring battles rolled in to one with a splash of doctor so here have this there I think that sums it uP
1609458 - He needs to just give in and enjoy the 'ride' with Cadence.
1609576 He would but he's afraid he'll die from too much of it.
1609576 He would but he's afraid he'll die from too much of it.
Also guess what this story has made the Feature Box.
The eagls are comming.
Since when can Scootaloo fly though?
And when it comes down to sheer lunacy...yeah, I guess you did kinda jump the shark. Knowing you you'll top it eventually though.
modernvespa.com/pix/uploads/anchorman_well_that_escalated_quickly_966.jpg
1609352
My thoughts on what's happening in this story...
I'm impressed that you can manage writing both a dark and serious story that is The Abundance as well as the laugh out loud comedy that is The God Squad
Well, that happened. Now what?
The five army war was great, now I interested in where they might head next since we finally meet some of Tydal`s family so are they visiting his home next.
I think this was probably one of the best chapters of any story I have ever read. I cried from laughing so much. I- I even breezed past all the grammatical errors without getting an aneurism. And I'm a grammar nazi.
...but seriously, you should get somebody to look over this chapter. I'd do it if I didn't already have so many other people to edit for.
EDIT: I just can't stress enough how much I liked this chapter. Especially that part with the eagles- honest, I almost fell out of my chair.
I'm not sure what just happened but I'm fairly sure that it was awesome.
-Normal chapter-
-2 armies- Ooh, looks interesti-
-3rd army appears- Sweet! lets see them get out of-
-Twilight and daleks appear- ... What the-
-Scootaloo and army appears-
...
when I read trident i immediatly thought "wait is there going to be an Anchorman reference."
then it gets to the end and yup there it was
best chapter yet
...wat
This just keeps getting better and better.
Goddamnit author
I know this is a comedy, but this is just plain ridiculous
1610711 Wait... That, is what got you? Not the army of eagles led by Scootaloo, not Shining Armors plans for death, not Tydal's ranting, not the baby dalek? Dude, you need to sort out your priorities.
ALL OF THE LAUGHS.
You going all out on a chapter is hilarious. Of course, you can only have an amazing chapter by having slightly less amazing chapters to compare it to, but still!
That is all.
They never told him that Celestia really just nuked the place and that the smoothie was made from an annoying salesman.
I am dissapoint. There wasn't enough armies
In other news. I feel bad for Shining
*Discord pops up in the middle of the battle!* And now little ponies, it's time for a never ending empire of chao- *he blinks as a Dalek in a wig with an inner city Big Momma accent flies by in hot pursuit of Twilight Sparkle who is screaming that she'll never give up Rolly Polly, buffalo and ponies throw pies every which way, Cadance decides to try necrophilia with the dead, and Tydal sucks out blood from various creatures.
*Discord blinks again* You know what, fuck this shit. *he vanishes and goes to the USA to mess with politics*
1610799
Priorities!?
In this story!?
Fuck that shit.......but yes all that other stuff did make me laugh
I lost it and started facedesking at "The Eagles are coming!"
Wow, it hurt to read this chapter. I like zanyness, but when it's measured out in the right proportion. This chapters tries to do too much in too short of words and basically comes off more as obnoxious than anything else.
1612940
Your opinion which, lucky for me, most do not share. Hopefully you'll like what is coming next.
It seems that craziness runs in the blood/blood equivalent of just about everything in Equestria. With that in mind, I voice this one complaint: This chapter needs more randomness.
For this story, I just have one little hope that shall be summed up in a picture.
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2012/137/0/6/cadance_loves_tiaras_by_egophiliac-d504xhf.png
So ... when will Luna realise that she now has a ... a ... grandson? Granddaughter? Granddalek?
"Far Over the Misty Mountains Cold,
To Dungeons Deep and Caverns Old,
The Pines were Roaring on The Heights,
The Winds were Moaning in the Night,
The Fire was Red, it Flaming Spread,
The Trees Like Torches Blazed with Light."
hopefully rollypolly stays with twilight
looks like twi lost her sanity from the secret origins of scootaloo
I laughed like a hyena at that. My cat looked extremely upset at me for a moment, and then went back to sleeping.
I think he prefers The Beatles.
When we got to the 3 armies declaring peace, I started to sense where you were going with that. When the TARDIS showed up I WTF'd, then from there the WTFness increased exponentially, then Scootaloo showed up and I knew where that was going.
Silly Luna and her wacky adventures... I wish I could thumb this up again.
Re the intro. I don't know if anyone else has already said this, but it's Cyanide that tastes of almonds, not arsenic
Rollypolly is my favorite character. So cute! Loving the story so far, keep up the good work!
This episode's quotes that broke my ribs & mind are:
"(and by ironic I mean the Alanis Moressette way and not the real ironic)"
*Hummms* Now isn't it ironic?
Don't you think?
It's like raaaaiiiiiieeeen on your wedding day!
...
...
...
Wat?
"He never got to finish, as at that moment the TARDIS landed beside him and[...]"
Guise, seriously, guise. WTF?!
“The Eagles are coming!”
author... I love you for your music sense.
That one made me burst out laughing... At 03:29 AM... Good heavens, luckily I'm home alone. For now.
“You know, you might want to lay low for a while… I think you are wanted for murder on 12 different planets,” Luna said.
This one actually made me go WTF-mode... But yeah, I like your sense of humor.
1611783
It's 3:30 in the morning. I can't breathe because that comment was way too hilarious for the average human mind to comprehend. Less insane minds than mine would've been destroyed. Be lucky you aren't wanted for manslaughter as a result of that comment!!!
Thanks a lot! Now a have to take a breathing session BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING THE WHOLE TIME!
EASE UP ON THE JOKES OR YOU'RE GUNNA KILL SOMEONE!
*ahem*
but in all seriousness, that was possibly the funniest thing i have read. EVER.
Cadance is best princess. Proven fact.
Recently finished to hobbit I c ur reference
2085653 QFT
Now, as for favorite lines in this chapter:
Ohmaigawd I LOVE THIS SONG! Also, I'm now laughing at the mental image of Scootaloo leading an army of thousands of (literal) eagles into battle (you'd think eagles would be too haughty to follow a mere chicken)
To those 12 planets that currently want to arrest Cadence for murder: Fuck you. Fuck you all. Arrest her, and it'll be the worst miscarriage of justice I have ever witnessed in my 20-something years, and I have seen far too much bullshit copyright bullying in my lifetime as is. Not to mention football stars getting acquitted for the murder they clearly committed based off of ONE FUCKING GLOVE that probably belonged to their gardener or something.
...Err, sorry, got a little carried away there...
I swear to the Gods this has to be the most random chapter I ever read in my life....though with Scootaloo coming out of no where it was very awesome
A Doctor, Hobbit and Anchorman references rolled into one along with material for drama/soap opera, for the sake of comedy, eh.