//------------------------------// // Cannonball Shark Jumping // Story: The God Squad // by defender2222 //------------------------------// Canterlot. The city of the alicorns, of the elite, of the powerful… of the rich snobs that would cry if they had to face a quarter of the things a normal pony shrugged off. At Lemonseed’s Bistro, two such ponies were sitting down to a nice meal. "I must say, when I got the invitation to dine for free at this restaurant, I was not expecting the food to be so exquisite!" Jet Set's wife, Upper Crust, nodded her head in agreement. "The oat soup is simply divine, my dear. I swear, it alone could be a full meal!" "Yes... you can really taste the multitude of flavors every time you take a sip." Jet Set took another sip, savoring the mouthful. Upper Crust frowned, looking down at her spoon. "Really? I would say it is a well made broth but I do not taste a multitude of flavors." "How can you not?" Jet Set exclaimed, wondering if his wife’s pallet was truly weaker than he had thought. "Why, I get a woody texture, along with a touch of sweet grass and a melody of rose pedals and olive leaves!" "I taste none of that," Upper Crust complained. "All I taste is almonds..." Jet Set frowned but before he could question his wife's pallet the waiter arrived, refilling their glasses. "Sir, might I ask that you pass my thanks along to your employer for the free meal. I will gladly return here as a paying customer." "I will pass along your praise but I can not give your thanks." "Beg pardon?" "I am afraid that we are not the one paying for the meal." The waiter passed over a slip of paper. "Your benefactor refused to give his name and would only provide this when we asked for a title." Jet Set opened the slip and found, of all things, the mark of the Assassins' Brotherhood. "Upper Crust, what do you make of... my dear?" Upper Crust's eyes had rolled back in her head and bloody foam gurgled from her lips. A girlish scream ripped through the air (coming from waiter) and all turned as Upper Crust slumped down, her face coming to rest in her arsenic soup. "I know you are dying but please, darling, do so with a bit more dignity! We are in public!" Jet Set complained. From high upon a rooftop, Angel the Bunny, aka Angelo Bunnitore de Ponyville watched on, nose twitching before he disappeared into the shadows. The God Squad Episode 15: Cannonball Shark Jumping "You know, I made a list of ways I'd like to die!" Shining held on tight to the trembling wagon as Bandit took a sharp turn and nearly sent the entire structuring flipping side over side. "I mean, I wanted to just be prepared, you know?" "Prepared for what?" Celestia shouted over the rumble of the wagon wheels. "You know... if Death gave me a chance to pick my fate. I would hate to be put on the spot if the Reaper suddenly appeared and told me to choose my method of expiration." "You honestly think that would happen?" Luna called out, ducking just as a blast of magic came flying at her. "I never thought I would be married to a nympho princess! Life has a way of surprising you." Shining glanced over at his heat stroke-infected bride, who was currently singing the Zebrica national anthem. "I had a lot of good deaths on my list... dying from too much sex-" "Considering who you are married too that is a good possibility," Luna groused, turning to fire a blast of magic at Butane T. Justice, the crazy lawstallion that was on their tails. "Or being crushed under yummy chocolate or being mauled by sexed up supermodels... but being shot by a crazy unicorn while trying to restrain a delirious capricorn doesn't even come close to cracking the Top 10!" Shining reached down, slamming his hooves on Tydal's tail before the thrashing capricorn could cut his leg off. "Shows how much you know about Equestria! This was one of the main causes of death a thousand years ago." Celestia quickly threw up a shield, just managing to intercept several of Justice's shots. "I think it went heart disease, the trots, Tydal/Luna not getting enough sleep and this." "I think I was higher up than the trots," Luna complained. "Weed! Weed and gay marriage as far as the eye can see!" Tydal called out before trembling and sobbing like a foal. The capricorn was suffering worse from the heat than all of them, having lapsed into a semi-lucid state due to the lack of water and the intense blaze. "We really need to get to a lake or something," Shining muttered, checking his empty canteen for the 15th time and confirming it was still out of water (he was still hoping the bottled water fairy was real and she would magically make so H2O appear). "We are about 2 miles out!" Bandit called out. "As long as nothing bad happens-" "Jinx! I call jinx!" Luna called out quickly, praying she could head off the bad luck. "STAMPEDE!" Braeburn (who'd managed to finally pry his mouth open after Luna had sealed it shut) called out from the front of the wagon, pointing ahead of them. The princesses and the royal guardsman looked out along the desert and saw, to their horror, that a stampede of stallions being led by Thunder Thighs was fast approaching them. "Oh, why didn't we bring some pies to throw at them?" "For the last time pies are not weapons!" Luna shouted. “They are tasty treats that are enjoyed by the young and old! Stop suggesting we use them as weapons!” “…what about donuts?” Luna grabbed Braeburn and began to wiggle him in the air. “Here you go, Mr. Justice! A nice juicy target!” The Bandit managed to skid to a stop, the wagon just barely missing him, and the princesses hurried down. Shining erected (heehee… erected) a shield around them just as Justice came charging towards them and Thunder Thighs’ gang stopped a few short yards away. “What the hay is going on here?” Celestia complained, tapping her horn against the forcefield. “You said we had two days to get to Manehattan… it hasn’t even been 24 hours!” Thunder Thighs shrugged. “Well, originally I was just going to cheat. That’s why I told Butane here about the Bandit, since I knew you would go to him for help.” “How could you possibly know that?” “… I don’t know! The point is, I realized that making bets like that is stupid. So, I decided just to kill all of you and be done with it.” “That is surprisingly smart,” Luna stated. “Stop complimenting the gangster,” Shining hissed. “Now then… please drop your shield and I will make your death quick and painless.” Braeburn laughed. “I’m afraid you’re the one that is going to get a painful death-“ “Don’t say it,” Luna moaned. “-via pies! APPPPPLELOOOOSA! ASSEMBLE!” From seemingly out of no where the entire population of Appleloosa suddenly (and conveniently) appeared to the right of Thunder Thighs’ group, armed to the teeth with pies (but ironically they weren’t using their teeth to eat the pies… and by ironic I mean the Alanis Moressette way and not the real ironic). The townsfolk readied their weapons, each flaky crust filled with death (and apples). “Miss Sunny Days and I knew that something like this might happen, so we decided to have the townsfolk follow and ambush ya at your own ambush!” Braeburn bragged. Celestia shrugged. “What can I say… I like to scheme.” “Well… looks like we have a good ol’ fashion standoff!” Bandit said, rolling his shoulders and preparing for battle. “Yes… this could go on for hours,” Justice declared, the two sides staring down each other. "And hours and hours-" “No…” Tydal moaned, slowly rising up, his eyes blood red as his fury burst forth. “No… NOOOOOO!!!" Magic violently burst from his horns, forcing everyone to back away. "I need water… I need water now and you will not deny me!” He threw back his head and everyone was blinded by a blast of blue-green light. When it cleared, the two sides found a third group had arrived: the entire capricorn royal guard, being led by Princesses Coral and Misty. “Daddy!” Coral giggled bouncing over to the bubble her father was in. “Huh… you look all dry and crunchy. Can I nibble on your leg, it looks yummy!” “Are you ok, dad?” Misty (the more sane and rational of the twins) asked in concern. “No…" Tydal leaned against the forccefield, stroking it. "Daddy needs you to do him a big-kid favor… I want you to violently murder everypony here, harvest the water from their bodies and let me drink it.” Coral blinked. “… okie dokey!” “You heard the king! Leave no survivors!” Misty called out as the capricorn army turned and faced down Thunder Thighs horde and the townsfolk. The capricorns began to bellow, their tails thrashing as they readied themselves for a bloodbath. “Time to show you how we do this, APPPPPLELOOOSA! Style!” Braeburn declared, holding a pie in each hoof and daring somepony to come at him. “HOLD IT!” Shining Armor called out, forming more bubbles around the three armies. “Don’t you all see what is happening here? Things have gotten way too insane and silly! There is no way this can continue! If it does I fear for reality itself!” Everypony, buffalo and capricorn sadly looked away, chastised (and disappointed they wouldn't get a fight). Shining, sensing that he was being listened to, continued. “Now then… I think if we all sit down and have a rational discussion-“ He never got to finish, as at that moment the TARDIS landed beside him and Twilight burst out in a full panic. “Shiny, Princess Celestia, I need your help!” “Twiley, what the-“ “The dalek empire found out about Rollypolly and now they want to take him back!” Rollypolly, the dalek Twilight had adopted (a long story…) hurried out of the TARDIS alongside a befuddled Doctor and rolled over to the unicorn, who gave it a hug. “I need your help fighting them off! I am not giving up my baby!” “My faithful student,” Celestia said, “I would love to help but sometimes you must fight your own battles. Also, I am in the middle of a war between three armies so I am a touch busy.” “Oh,” Twilight said, finally realizing that they weren’t alone. “Uh… could you all maybe wait and solve my problem first?” “Ego much?” Luna muttered. Thunder Thighs shrugged. “I guess so. Do any of you mind if we wait on our war while they settle her's?” The capricorns and the townsfolk shrugged. “Well then, I guess we can-“ “That is the one!” a high pitched voice squealed. Everypony turned (yet again) and watched as a battalion of daleks landed on the OTHER side of Luna and her group. The lead dalek, who was wearing an apron and had a blonde wig on her metal shell, pointed her eyestalk at Twilight. “That is the purple hussy that stole my baby!” “Rollypolly staying with Mama Sparkle!” the baby dalek squealed. “That’s right! You’ll have to come through me and these other three armies who I am going to force to fight my battle!” Twilight shouted, her horn flashing as she removed Shining's shields. She moved to stand in front of her baby and lit up her horn (which isn’t as naught as it sounds). “Wait, so we are fighting together now?” Thunder Thighs asked Misty as their two sides joined the townsfolk in facing down the dalek empire. “Looks like it.” “Did none of you listen to anything I said?” Shining complained. “NO!” everyone else shouted before charging at each other, screaming bloody murder. There were lasers and pies and fish tails and there was even a shark riding on a pony, throwing nets at anything that moved. Misty was riding on one of the daleks while Coral was dancing about the battlefield, blasting aliens. Thunder Thighs and Braeburn were back to back countering attacks while Twilight had somehow ended up on top of the wagon, using Butane’s limp body as a club to beat back the daleks that were trying to swarm her. Luna was summoning bats to attack anything that annoyed her and Celestia had donned armor that made her look like Nightmare Moon, calling upon the rays of the sun to ‘destroy the metal thingies’. Tydal was on the ground licking at any puddle of blood he could find, desperate for water. The Bandit, for his part, was over on the side with the Appleloosa school mare, asking her to go get some coffee with him after the fight. Shining lowered his head in defeat. “You know what? I give up! I’m going to bash my head against the ground till I put myself in a coma. Enjoy being insane.” The stallion lay on his belly, raising his head up to begin the smashing. He never got started as he spotted in the sky, of all things, Scootaloo, who was leading a band of birds towards the battle. “Sing the song of battle and let the war be joined!” the filly cried out. Scootaloo’s Army On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim I had to stop for the night “The Eagles are coming!” Cadence shouted happily, waving a trident in the air. Shining just stared at the madness (which was epic and would take 10,000 words to describe...) before he just sighed and began to strike his head against the ground over and over. Scootaloo's Army Welcome to the hotel california Such a lovely place Such a lovely face Plenty of room at the hotel california Any time of year, you can find it here ~MC~MC~MC~ “Shining… Shining!” Shining Armor groaned, blinking as he tried to clear his vision. It took him a few minutes to realize he was in a hospital bed, his forehead bandaged up tightly and a heart monitor attached to his left foreleg. “He’s awake!” Cadence called out and Shining found himself surrounded by Luna, Celestia, and Tydal. “Oh honey, we were so worried about you after you hit your head like that!” “Wait…hit my head?” He smiled in relief. “You mean all of that was a dream?” “All of what was a dream?” Luna asked, confused. “The war between the capricorns and that buffalo and the daleks…” Celestia laughed. “Oh… no, that really did happen.” Shining’s smile fell. “What?” “It really happened… t’was a glorious battle!” Tydal was sipping on a red smoothie held tightly by his magic, nearly moaning in delight as he got his fluid levels back up to their proper levels. “You mean we really fought in a battle with 5 armies?” Shining asked. “Who’s this ‘we’ you speak of?” Luna asked in annoyance. “We all fought… you smashed your head into the ground like a wuss.” Cadence nodded happily. “Yeah… it escalated pretty quickly. I killed a dalek with a trident!” “You know, you might want to lay low for a while… I think you are wanted for murder on 12 different planets,” Luna said. “Oh, leave her be! I’m glad she did that; if she hadn’t that dalek would have gotten me!” Celestia nuzzled the pink alicorn. “You saved my flank back there.” “You saved my flank earlier!” Cadence stated solemnly. Shining’s head felt like it was going to burst. “By the way, before you ask… yes, this smoothie is red for the exact reasons you are thinking,” Tydal said with a smirk before going back to his drink. “And by that I mean it is made of blood.” Shining rolled his eyes. “Yup… not a dream at all.”