They Say Cages are Low in Calories
“Auntie, I need to talk to you!”
Prince Blueblood burst into his aunt’s court, expecting to find her there; Celestia was always there, going over some scrolls (he didn’t know why Celestia didn’t fix the Spam Filter on her Scroll-Mail to block all those pesky ‘Twilight Sparkle’ letters). But instead of finding Celestia standing near her throne, all that greeted him was an empty chair and several guards playing poker (using the royal throne to hold their chip dip).
“What… what is going on here?” he stammered in shock. “I need to talk to my dear Aunt Celestia about my idea to outlaw all forms of bridge.”
“The game or the structure?” a guard known as Sure Step asked (not all the names of the guards were jokes).
“Both. So where is she?”
“Celestia went to go get cupcakes. Said she might be gone for a while,” Wall Breaker said simply. “Raise 3.”
Blueblood just stood there, his brain racing. “Wait a minute… so Princess Celestia isn’t here?” The guards shook their heads. “And neither is my Aunt Luna?” Again, a shake of heads. “And what of Princess Cadence?”
“Gone… or trapped in a pantry again. Either way, she isn’t around. I call.”
“So… that would mean that… I am in charge!” Blueblood puffed out his chest in utter pride and delight. “I am the ruler of Equestria!”
“I’m not sure it works that way…” a guard (Corporal Logic Point) stated.
“I’m pretty sure it does!” Blueblood said, already planning on having his cutie mark plastered on everything in sight.
Wall Breaker grinned. “Wow, now this will lead to comedic moments that the audience will love to read about!”
Blueblood just stared at the guard, trying to make sense of what he had said. “You know what, I don’t care because I am the Prince and I am now in charge.” Blueblood cleared his throat. “I decree that mares are no longer allowed to be lesbians if they are fat.”
“Why would you-“
“I HAVE SPOKEN!”
The God Squad
Episode 3: They Say Cages are Low in Calories…
Meanwhile, back at the plot…
Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Shining Armor and Tydal stepped into Sugarcube Corner and found it was business as usual: Bon Bon was trying to keep Lyra from cutting off Spike's hands and grafting them to her forelegs; Snowflake was celebrating his recovery from the trots (unfortunately he would come down with the unicorn flu that evening...which was weird because he was a pegasus); Pound and Pumpkin Cake were defying all logic when it came to babies while being ignored by their parents; Thunderlane was grilling Rose Bud on some filly named Scoota-something; Carrot Top was trying to explain that she wasn't 'That Carrot Top' and thus hadn’t brought a bag of props with her.
Oh, and Tiny the Bear was lumbering by with a basket full of scones on top of his head.
"Thank you!" Pinkie said happily, accepting the treats and shooing the bear back into the kitchen. "Now then, what can I get you?"
"We all have a desire for cupcakes, Miss Pie," Celestia said simply.
"Okie Dokie!" Pinkie's arms stretched all the way to the counter, which would have been amazing except she was standing only a foot away from the counter (not everything she does has to defy physics, you know!). "There you go, a dozen cupcakes!"
"Thank you," Luna said, grabbing her cupcake and smashing it all over her neck and chest. "Oh noes! I’ma so clumsy!" she said in a dumb-dumb voice.
Tydal turned to stare at his sister, only for the moon goddess to use her magic to grab two cupcakes and slam them into his eyes. “By the tide, Luna!”
"oooooo!" Pinkie said darkly. "Someone broke a Pinkie Promise!"
“Talk about eye candy!” Cadence said, nibbling on her treat.
“Honey…no,” Shining said, shaking his head. “We’re not doing that.”
"We are such clumsy eaters!" Luna tittered, dragging a raging Tydal towards the door. "Come on, let's go clean up." Under her breath, she added, "And then we can go hunt some changelings."
“You better let me commit a lot of bloodshed for this!” he snarled.
They were 3 feet from the door before Mrs. Cake stopped them. “Where do you think you are going?” the baker asked, a smile on her lips and a promise of swift death glittering in her eyes. Even Tydal took a step back in horror at the murderous intent in the plump pony’s eyes (though he couldn’t be sure it was really there, what with the frosting dropping down his eyelids). “You haven’t paid your bill.”
“We need to clean up-“ Luna began gesturing towards the frosting that coated their bodies, only to be silenced.
“And I will happily point you towards the spa…but first…my money.” The way she said it had Luna instantly thinking of a Neigh Jersey bookie putting the screws to gambler who was 5 weeks overdue.
Tydal leaned towards the moon goddess, hissing, “Ponies have gotten a lot more forceful since I last came to Equestria.”
“A lot of things change in 1,500 years,” Luna said.
“But what remains the same is paying me,” Mrs. Cake said, butting into the conversation with a dark smile.
“Shining…I mean Wet Blanket…please pay the deranged baker so I can go wash this frosting off!” Luna commanded sweetly (though in her mind, a little Nightmare Moon was bludgeoning a mini Mrs. Cake with a croquet mallet… in fact, the more she thought about it, the more Luna considered using her magic to make a Whack-A-Cake game).
“Uh…how am I suppose to pay her, ‘Nightdancer’…I don’t have any bits.” Shining gestured towards his back to show her his lack of saddle bags.
“Say what now?” Luna exclaimed, eyes wide as she turned to stare at the captain of the guard. “What do you mean you don’t have any bits!?”
“When was I supposed to grab them, exactly? You four were dragging me out of the castle so quick I didn’t even have a chance to grab my rape whistle!”
“…little sister?” Luna asked weakly.
“Oh no, fresh out of bits…I am the irresponsible one, big sister,” Celestia said with a slight smile, nibbling on another cupcake they couldn’t pay for.
“Cadence?” Luna held up her hoof before Cadence could even speak. “Nope, never mind…I forgot who I was talking to.”
When Mrs. Cake glanced over at Cadence, the princess meekly looked at her hooves, shifting in her seat. “I have a gambling problem.”
Luna laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her head with her right hoof. “Ok…let’s see here… uh… we would gladly pay you Tuesday for a cupcake today?”
Mrs. Cake merely stared at them, backing Tydal and Luna towards the rest of their party, before reaching over and, with the pull of a lever, sent a large cage crashing down on top of them. The other patrons, who were use to such actions by the Cakes, simply continued eating their meals, not paying the slightest attention to the now trapped party of five.
“How did we not notice that?” Shining questioned, looking up at where the cage had been hanging.
“I noticed it but I thought it was a go-go cage,” Cadence said. “Can I still dance in it?” Cadence began to run her hooves through her hair, murmuring slightly.
“Maybe later,” Celestia said dryly.
“You can’t do this!” Luna shouted, shaking the bars in frustration. “Attica! Attica!”
“You were going to dine and dash!” Mrs. Cake snapped. “Now I must deal with you in the proper way.”
Cadence joined her aunt in rattling the bars of the cage. “Please, somepony help us! My ‘proper way’ and hers are sure to be different… unless hers also involves whips!” The other patrons, however, merely glanced away, not wanting to face the wrath of the gossipy baker when she was worked up into a lather.
“This was going so well!” Luna wailed. “And now we are doomed! DOOOOOOOOMED!”
“Why are you panicking?” Tydal asked dully, studying the bars intently.
“Why aren’t you?” Luna snapped.
“Because I am the only one of you that has ever been in a cell before,” Tydal commented, slowly moving along the length of the cage. “And you are failing to take into account two things, dear Luna.”
“And those are?”
Tydal rolled his eyes, leaning in to whisper to them, “Collectively, we control the sun, the moon, the stars, the sea, and love. We are gods, sisters, and I doubt one pudgy baker can kill us.”
“What about Killer Treats, the slayer of gods? She was a baker who used her mighty rolling pin to punish the gods,” Cadence asked him quietly, fear in her eyes as she remembered the legend of the god slayer.
Celestia shook her head. “Cadence, that was just a story I made up to keep you from stealing cookies!”
“And even then, I doubt anypony would honestly name their child Killer Treat,” the capricorn complained (forgetting that ponies, for the most part, loved to give their kids horrible names). “Second, are you 4 forgetting who we are? The mare has imprisoned the rulers of Equestria…all we need to do is take off these glasses and reveal ourselves! It will be fun; she will be glaring at us only to realize what she’s done, then fall to her belly and beg for mercy… which we won’t give… then the bloodshed shall begin…”
“We can’t do that,” Celestia said firmly.
“And why not?” Tydal asked.
“We wanted to get our cupcakes like normal ponies…we will act as such until we are back in Canterlot.”
The others stared at her, waiting for the punchline.
“Are…are you serious?” Shining Armor hissed. “We LITTERALLY have a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card and you don’t want to use it because of your honor?”
“Indeed. In fact I officially declare-“ the others moaned, knowing that ‘officially declaring’ something made it law, thus meaning they were screwed, “-that we cannot use our royal standing or our godly abilities to get out of this mess.”
“…Celestia, that is the dumbest thing you have ever done,” Tydal grunted.
“I agree,” Shining said, before a look of horror flashed across his face. “Oh no…Lord Tydal and I agree on something!”
The capricorn shared Shining’s terrified look. “I know, Shining…I’m scared too.” The stallion and the capricorn hugged each other close, trembling in fear.
“Ooooh, group hugs!” Cadence squealed, joining in on the huggy-action.
“Get a room you three,” Luna groused.
“We’d love to but your sister won’t let us escape,” Shining complained.
“Cadence, stop grinding into my hip like that!” Tydal shouted.
“Mmmmmmm,” Cadence moaned, eyes shut and tongue hanging out.
“We can escape easily, just not with our powers or titles,” Celestia said calmly.
Luna raised an eyebrow. “And how do we do that?”
Celestia leaned down and bit through a bar, chewing on it. “The cage is made of bread dough.” Celestia made a face as she moved the mouthful around. “Potato bread, if I am not mistaken.”
“Stop that!” Mrs. Cake screamed in horror as Celestia made a hole big enough for them all to get through. “Please, stop!” She began to cry as she saw the damage done to her cage. “Oh…this will cost me so much in repairs!”
“Why do you have a cage made of bread anyway?” Luna asked.
“It helps me catch people who don’t pay their bill! I need that money to pay for cages made of dough!”
Luna frowned, trying to do the math. “So…if you didn’t have the cage of dough…you wouldn’t need to worry about getting pony’s money if they didn’t have the bits…and if you didn’t need to collect the money you wouldn’t need a cage…” She shook her head, feeling as if she had gone 5 rounds with a manticore. “Ow…ow ow ow! I think my brain is trying to crawl its way out of my head!”
“Welcome to every minute of my life,” Shining stated, crawling out of the cage, Cadence still clinging to him (Tydal had managed to extract himself from the strange hug 3 minutes ago).
Celestia gently lowered her head to nuzzle the sobbing baker. “Mrs. Cake, it is clear you are in need of help.”
“I know the number to a good psychologist.” Luna blinked as she considered her words. “Ok, maybe not a good psychologist since he had failed to help me and I am pretty sure he is dead, since it was a 1000 years ago…”
“I meant financial help. Not only do we not have the bits for the cupcakes, I ate part of your bread cage.”
“A cage that is not needed!” Luna called out, though she was ignored.
“Thus, I, Pr….I mean Sunny Skies…proclaim that my family and I will help you.”
“And how will you do that?” Mrs. Cake asked.
~A Hour Later~
Luna glowered in annoyance. “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner,” she ground out from behind the register, wearing a chef’s hat and an apron. The name tag she wore happily proclaimed ‘Hi, my name is NIGHTDANCER’. “What can I get for you today?”
“Do you sell quills?” Spike asked innocently.
“Ugh…” Luna ground out.
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Thunderlane does not understand what he's gotten himself into.
What does Rosebud believe? That Scootaloo is Ed Wood?
Meanwhile, in Tydal's meditation room, the statue of Discord is silent as always. However, there seems to be a voice saying: "How ever did they win the war?"
I suggest that one of our 'heroes' 'phone Twilight and ask her to spot them some bits until the end of the week. You'd be surprised how often the royals bummed stuff off of the Mane 6 (and even occasionally the Cutie Mark Crusaders) because they'd used up their royal stipend a few days early. Luna actually still owes 2,000 bits to Rainbow Dash after everyone's favourite cyan speedster put up bail for Luna after the disaster of last Nightmare Night. Celestia still has to return Fluttershy's copy of 'Animal Husbandry for the Handless' and we won't go into the number of public indecency fines that Twilight has paid on Cadence's behalf.
Part of the fun of The God Squad is how the five leads interact with each other. They obviously care about each other in some way or form but like all good families their are complex undertones. I wanted there to be glimpses of underlying issues, such as all of them realizing that Celestia 'decreeing' something is a VERY bad thing. I also enjoy taking characters that didn't get alot of development in the show and giving them more depth. For example, I love the idea that Cadence has a gambling problem.
And, of course, there is the insanity that is Equestria.
You wrote the Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo? Well, damn... this might turn out to be quite fun then (ignoring the out of place MS quality oc pony in that lot ^^;) I'll give this a shot!
I here by am asking if I may borrow 4th Wall Breaker in any D&D game I run. It will be just perfect.
Thunderlane, noooooooo!
/mourns Thunderlane
Good chapter, but really a cage made from bread dough and Mrs. Cake sounding like she is trying to extract money from them. Oh well Equestria and its residents are insane.
1467963
Go right ahead.
1467867
Not sure what you mean and don't really care. Tydal is used because I wanted another male figure to interact with Shining and I wanted a character with a short fuse and a violent streak.
Those guards are the best guards ever!
And I just love it that cadance makes everything into a overkilled sexual innuendo
1468212 Well, not caring and all, I was stating that the portrait of said OC clashed in the picture. Not talking about what he'll be doing in a story so don't take it as a "OC MS PONY NO BELONG IN STORY
" and more of my nit-picky fashionista side wishing for a better mesh of colors among the portraits. (you can even see the unsteady lines of the horns added to a pony creator pony, just saying)
Apologies if flanks were hurt in my last comment
1468300
Ah. No problems then. Yes, that is an older picture of Tydal... when I update the image later on, there will be a cleaner version with the entire cast together.
For those interested, here is what Tydal looks like (after one can only assume a complaint made by Shining Armor):
i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/Tydal.jpg
A normal capricorn (non-royal) has stub horns, is smaller, they have no beards and their tails are shorter.
That is all.
Tydal and Shining being scared because they agreed on something and hug each other out of fear. And then Cadence joined in the hug. I guess this proves one thing: OCs are very huggable.
Say, do you think we'll see any of Wall Breaker IV in the comments?
1468543
Wall Breaker will appear throughout the story as I go back and see what is happening in Canterlot... since the rulers of Equestria are gone, others are going to fill the void...
*Brings Wall Breaker along. He looks confused* "Why am I here?" *points to comment above* "Well what do they wish me to say?" *shurgs* "Very well then. You, yes you whom asked for my input. All I can say is with Blueblood trying to take over expect some rather odd...what?" *Murmuring* "Well why didn't you say so?" *More murmuring* "Fine fine."
((that is all I got))
1468606
The Pony Sutra is a famous book in Equestria that teaches of the many different sexual positions two or more lovers can assume.
Prince Blueblood is in charge?!
We're all doomed! 
ARGH!
" Spike asked Innocent."
InnocentLY
Please, go through the story and look for little things like this! I'm not trying to be mean, I just freaking love this story and it needs a bit more polish to really shine!
First of God Squad is published already?
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw352_8959%20-%20twilight_sparkle%20yes.png dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4877-19a.jpg
Too bad I have too many things I'm my plate right now, but I'm definitely going to eventually get to this.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7655-13429595205781.jpg
Pinkie....Promise.
1468541
G1 optimus
1469156
And as I have told people in all my stories, just let me know and I will correct the tiny mistakes. Simple as that.
Defy
Broke*, and what Pinkie Promise? Just a regular promise, right, because of the lack of Rage-y Pie?
Your guards are hilarious (though Wall Breaker has to be my favorite.
*Insert 'lol' face here*
1468388
And the tail thing is supposedly really sharp?
1468388 I saw him as bipedal, with scales on the lower half and a blade-like tail
Once again, I love that Cadance
!
But wait, what's the point of making up the name "Hot Lovin" for her if the ponies aren't gonna use it? I was looking forward to everypony calling her that!
AWWWWWW Celstia, no royal titles? Why you got to be a troll
And HA! Cupcakes, funny as buck. Bread cage, now THAT'S gold. Ahhh......onto the next one. Spike's funny as hell
Damn it Blueblood you'll ruin everything:twilightangry2
1467665
No, I think that Scootaloo is the true apprentice of Emperor Palpatine.
1467684 Is this a story on its own? Because, if not, it needs to be.
i dont even....WHAT?
>>Blueblood just stood there, his brain racing. “Wait a minute… so Princess Celestia isn’t here?” The guards shook their heads. “And neither is my Aunt Luna?” Again, a shake of heads. “And what of Princess Cadence?”
<<
“Gone… or trapped in a pantry again. Either way, she isn’t around. I call.”
“So… that would mean that… I am in charge!” Blueblood puffed out his chest in utter pride and delight. “I am the ruler of Equestria!”
“I’m not sure it works that way…” a guard (Corporal Logic Point) stated.
“I’m pretty sure it does!” Blueblood said, already planning on having his cutie mark plastered on everything in sight.
Wall Breaker grinned. “Wow, now this will lead to comedic moments that the audience will love to read about!”
Blueblood just stared at the guard, trying to make sense of what he had said. “You know what, I don’t care because I am the Prince and I am now in charge.” Blueblood cleared his throat. “I decree that mares are no longer allowed to be lesbians if they are fat.”
“Why would you-“
“I HAVE SPOKEN!”
I'm surprised he didn't ban skinny lesbians if their skinny... So he could get hot mares.
But now, I can take over Equestria AND maim/kill Blueblood... I HAVE SPOKEN!!!
The Royal Guard. Official Motto: "We're a joke, but our names aren't!"
FIW FTW!
Both. OK then.
Agreed.
Come again?
You have got to be kidding me.
Literally one has one T. And sadly, yes.
Your Cadance is officially my favourite character.
Check Cadance's hot pocket!