The Good, The Bad and the Alicorn
“Brother, this is truly a great idea!” Flim said as they stood in line at the Canterlot Patent Office.
“Indeed, Brother!” Flam said, stroking his mustache. “We were quite foolish to be challenging ponies like that, what with the angry mobs and the chances for us to be struck by enraged farmers who were insulted by our kind offers.”
“Plus gas is rather expensive and our nice little wagon only gets 2 miles to the gallon.”
Flam nodded, his magic wrapped firmly around the packet of papers the two of them had brought. “Why waste time operating the The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 when we can just get it patented and sell it to the farmers for a large profit?”
Flim grinned as he thought of all the money that would soon be flowing into their hats. “And if we make sure it breaks down after every few seasons we’ll be able to make money hand over fist by selling replacement parts.” Neither of the brothers questioned what a hand or a fist was and why the phrase wasn’t ‘hoof over hoof’.
“And don’t forget the idea Trixie came up with at the Enemies of Harmony Anonymous meeting!” Flam stated. “We wait 6 months then roll out The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 7000 and get all the ponies lining up again to buy what is basically the same product but with new apps!”
Apps, of course, stood for Apple Producing Procedures.
"Ah, that was a very good summary of your backstory!" Wall Breaker (who was going to get his new line of wing guards patented) said.
"Why, what do you mean?" Flim asked.
"Well, you already know why you are here and discussed all of this many times... so the only reason you would say what you just said moments ago is because you need to let the readers know what is going on."
“Next,” a heavy set cerulean earth pony said dryly, motioning for the two stallions to step forward and NOT ask Wall breaker what the heck he was talking about. “Name?”
“Well, I am Flim!”
“And I am Flam!”
“And we are the Flim Flam Brothers!”
“Flip and Spam, alright. And why ya here today sirs?”
The brothers blinked, not sure how to deal with the clearly bored mare that was manning the counter. “Uh… my brother and I are here because we want a film a patent on our The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.”
“Our The?” The clerk (Mrs. Bureaucracy) asked in confusion.
“That’s its name… The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. The is part of the name.” Flim took off his hat and placed it against his chest. “It would be a dishonor to call such an amazing machine anything but its full name. Isn’t that right brother?”
“That’s right brother!”
“…uh huh. You need to go upstairs and get form E and then come back here.”
The brothers shared a look before turning towards Mrs. Buracaucracy and flashing her twin smiles. “Now then, my dear lady…” Flam said happily, using the smoothest of smooth talk, “…we’ve been waiting for hours to get to this window. Is there any way we could just have you give us a form E so we could save some time?”
“Are you trying to charm a low-level government worker?”
Flim ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. “Yeah… I don’t think we thought that one through. Well brother, it looks like we are in trouble.”
“Indeed, and when we both are in trouble, you know it gets doubled.”
“That’s something we all know,” Flim began to sing.
“So we must go!” Flam declared, before he found his mouth clamped shut by Mrs. Bureaucracy.
“… singing in a government building… you’ll need Form 15 G and have it signed Record Keeper on the 5th floor…”
The God Squad
Episode 13: The Good, The Bad, and the Alicorn
“Well, we are almost there. Just another half mile away from APPPLELOOSA! and we’ll be at Pinprick’s Landing!”
Luna glared at the cowpony. “We are trying to be stealthy, Braeburn… could you not scream out the name of your town every time you open your mouth?”
“Ok, I won’t mention APPPPLELOOOOOSA! again!”
Shining Armor rolled his eyes and adjusted his hat. “Why did we bring him again?”
“He knows the way,” Celestia said.
“He’ll make a good living shield,” Tydal stated at the same time.
“He’s pretty to look at and I like staring at pretty things,” Cadence announced, taking a good long leer at Braeburn’s flank. “Shining, can we do one of those Freebie Cheater lists?”
“Forget I asked,” Shining grumbled. He trotted forward till he was matching Luna step for step. “What is the plan, Princess? How are we going to deal with this Thunder Thighs?”
Luna smirked. “I’ve come up with a plan.”
“…so we are doomed.”
“Why does everypony get so scared when I say I have a plan?”
“Maybe because we all have decent memories?” Celestia stated. “You must admit, little sister, that your plans rarely work.”
“My plans always work, just not how you would expect.”
“Or you would expect,” Tydal groused, his horns glowing as he used his magic to pull his hat down just a bit more. Even thought the sun had nearly set the capricorn still felt like a piece of tuna sitting in a fry pan with only a slab of butter to keep him company. He'd lost alot of his natural fluids fighting the raiders and what little was in his canteen was not helping. “Remember the incident with the cake?”
“Do not bring that up!” Luna screeched.
“What cake?” Cadence asked.
“Well, my dear sisters were raised by myself and Merida after our mother dumped them on me so she could go work on her tan. Celestia was a filly and Luna was quite a trouble-causing foal-“
“Tydal… do not say another word!” the lunar princess shouted, wheeling around and jabbing her hoof into the capricorn’s chest. “I mean it! You say one word and I will…”
“You’ll what?” the sea god said with a smirk.
“I’ll… I’ll… I’ll make sure the moon always shines in your eyes when you try and sleep!” She leaned forward, and whispered, “And I’ll tell everypony in Equestria about your teddy bear.”
“You leave Tydal Jr. out of this,” Tydal snapped. “And besides, you gave him to me on ‘Big Brother Who Raises Me’ Day!”
“I still think you made that holiday up.”
“You mean ‘Big Brother Who Raised Me’ Day isn’t real?” Shining asked sadly, thinking of all the gifts Twilight had gotten him. “No… no I refuse to believe that!”
Luna gave her big brother the most sickeningly sweet smile she could. “Tydal… if you say one more word I will tell Coral you want to play dress up.”
The lord of the capricorns shuddered as he thought of going to another one of his fully grown daughter’s tea parties and having to wear makeup and a dress. “Fine… not funny foal stories from me.”
Luna nodded in satisfaction.
“Luna was about 10 months old,” Celestia said, smiling as she saw the horrified look slowly blossom on her sister’s face. “Merida had just made a seafoam cake and my dear baby sister decided she wanted a piece, even though we’d been told not to.”
“TIA!” Luna squealed.
“You didn’t say I couldn’t tell it,” Celestia said politely, before continuing. “She toddled away when none of us were looking and… well, when we came into the dining room we found little Lulu’s head stuck in the cake with her tiny legs thrashing about! There was frosting all over the floor and walls…”
“I will skin you alive and use your hide as a blanket!” Luna screamed, chasing after her giggling sister.
“These our are rulers,” Shining muttered.
Tydal shook his head. “They are nearly 1,800 years old and they still act like children.” He watched the two sisters race about the desert and couldn’t help but smile; it was clear to all those that saw him that he cared for the two as if they were his own kids. They practically were; he’d raised them and taught them and been there through scrapped knees and break hearts. He had been their only father and his loss had broken them… and his return had freed them.
“1800?” Braeburn whispered.
The capricorn smirked. “That’s nothing. I’m pushing 4000.”
Braeburn let out a long whistle. “You must have one fancy plastic surgeon. Listen, I’ve been meaning to get some work done on my flank-“
“As have I,” Thunder Thighs said. The massive buffalo stepped out from behind a rock formation, smirking slightly. One glance at her thick and powerful thighs showed that she had been properly named. “Nice of all of you to drop in…”
The group suddenly realized that while Luna and Celestia had been fighting Thunder Thighs’ new team of stallions had managed to sneak up on them and had them surrounded.
“I can take’em,” Tydal stated.
“Yes, but the rest of us will die while you do so,” Shining grunted.
“That is a risk I am willing to take.”
Luna huffed, letting go of Celestia (she’d managed to wrap her foreleg around her sister’s neck and had been giving her a noogie when the ambush had occurred) and stepping forward. “Let me try…” The lunar princess cleared her throat. “Miss Thunder Thighs… I understand why you are attacking APPPPLELOOOOSA! and why-“ Luna blinked in horror. “APPPLEOOOOSA! APPPPLELOOOOOOSA! By the Creator, now I’m doing it!”
Cadence began to splash the contents of her canteen on Luna’s face. “The power of crust compels you! The power of crust compels you!”
“Stop that!” Luna complained, licking her lips (even as Tydal stared at the wasted liquid and wept). “Wait… Cadence, are you drinking vodka?”
“…maybe?”
Thunder Thighs tapped her hoof on the ground. “Uh… could you maybe pay attention to me? I am kinda holding you captive.”
“Oh… sorry.” Luna cleared her throat. “As I said, I understand why you hate the settlers; after spending just the day with them I want to kill them too. Heck, you want to eat Braeburn? You can have him, free of charge.”
“I bet I’d make a TAAAASSSSTY stew!” the brain-addled stallion said happily.
Thunder Thighs shook her head. “Sorry, I’m on the Atkins Diet.”
“Well… I still understand why you hate the settlers. But you have to realize… you lost. You were the inferior species and we ponies kicked your hides.”
Shining’s jaw dropped. Tydal began to bang his head against a rock. Celestia could only gasp at the sheer stupidity/racism of Luna’s comments. Cadence was taking a shot from her flask.
“But I’ll make you a deal!” Luna said happily, her horn glowing. “Which mountain is most sacred to you?” Thunder Thighs pointed to one to their right and Luna focused her magic on it. Within moments, the faces of Celestia, Starswirl the Bearded, Tydal, and herself appeared carved out of the rock. “There… we made your sacred mountain a tourist attraction!”
“…boil them in oil!” Thunder Thighs roared.
“Well, this certainly feels like one of your plans!” Tydal snapped as the stallions began to drag out a pot of oil.
“Wait… what if we name our baseball team after you? The Canterlot Buffalo! We could slap your face on our hats!”
“Hurry it up with that oil!” Thunder Thighs shouted.
“Do you mind if I try before we find out if immortality carries over to being deep fried?” Celestia asked. When Luna nodded her consent (it took a few extra seconds as Luna was currently being breaded by several of Thunder’s boys. “Thunder Thighs, why do you want to destroy Appleloosa? I thought the buffalo had a peace deal with them.”
“Destroy what place?” Thunder asked.
Celestia sighed. “APPPPLELOOOOSA!”
“Oh, that.” Thunder Thighs, for being the head of a terrorist group that was attacking an innocent town, was rather polite and she happily sat down next to the deities (and Shining and Braeburn) and politely laid out her long tale of woe. “I was bored.”
Ok, it wasn’t that long…
“That’s your reason?” Shining complained. “You’re bored?”
“Indeed,” Thunder Thighs said. “There is nothing to do here… so I decided to become a criminal. Rather fun, too! I have minions… say hi, minions!”
“Hi minions!” the stallions called out.
“Aren’t they cute?” Thunder squealed.
“Charming,” Tydal grumbled as he was covered in batter.
Thunder didn’t notice the sarcasm. “I spend my days plotting out my evil schemes and thinking about how I’ll turn APPPPLELOOSA into a parking lot for my new casino,” Luna coughed ‘stereotypical’ at that, “and making strange bets with ponies.”
“Strange bets, you say?” Celestia said. “Would you… care to make one with us now?”
Thunder Thighs quickly waved off her men, who were already grabbing a giggling Cadence (who was into food play) and preparing to toss her into the oil (which wasn’t hot but would make her coat all slick and greasy. “What kind of bet?”
Celestia pointed her horn at the beat up wagon Thunder’s minions had used to bring in the oil. “I bet you the fate of Appleloosa that my family and I can get that cart to Manehatten in under 2 days… with no magic or flight.”
“Well… that is very interesting…” Thunder said (she apparently had a bigger gambling problem than Cadence). “And… if you lose?”
“You get the town and can eat Braeburn,” Celestia said smugly. “And Luna will shave her head.”
“What?!?” Luna screamed.
“Deal!” Thunder Thighs said. “Boys, release them!”
Luna glared at her sister as the white alicorn walked over to the cart and began to prep it. “Are you insane? I could care less about the town or Breaburn, no offense…”
“None taken, Miss Nightdancer!” Braeburn said happily.
“…but my mane is my main thing. Get it, it’s a joke. I’d laugh at my joke but this is serious!”
Celestia rolled her eyes as she began to check over the straps, slipping them onto her back. “Relax… we will be able to win with ease!”
Meanwhile, out of ear shot, one of the minions walked up the Thunder Thighs. “You want to give them a chance or resort to cheating like usual.”
“Cheating.”
“Works for us.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.052 seconds
Total duration
915 users online
199,577 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Not much to discuss in this chapter... I love the idea that, at one time, Celestia and Luna were just children getting into trouble and Tydal has an entire catalog of baby stories he can toss out to embarrass them.
Hahahaahahaha!
Well then waited for the embarrassing Luna story, was not disappointed, seriously this story makes me lols
I hope you realize what you've gotten your family into Celestia, not to mention I don't think Twilight would be pleased to hear you let Applejack's cousin become buffalo food!
Oh well I guess you must be really confident you'll win.
I think they were missing the point: Thunder Thighs is the pay-mistress - kill her and her mercenaries will home. Nice, easy and no mess. Over to you, Tydal.
1. hook Cadence up to cart
2. tell her there is an orgy in APPLELOOSA
3. hop in cart
4.win bet
5. ???
6. Profit
So I assume 60's spiderman is going to crack open the 4th wall any minute now
1588037 now your thinking with portals
Oh, lord...Luna is Zap Branigan now.
I almost fell out of my chair at
I can say without a doubt. I Fucking Lol'd
Now this needs DuckTales refs!
Okay, all I'm doing is laughing through this whole chapter. Nice little story on Luna when she was younger and hopefully more stories about her and Celestia from Tydal.
...
This is a Brave crossover(technically)? (I just saw the movie last weekend shut up)
That...kinda makes sense.
Anyway, I noticed a loophole. They said they wouldn't move the cart with magic or fly it anywhere. But, that doesn't mean they can't use magic to remove obstacles from it's path. Ya know, fallen bridges, rockslides, that sort of thing.
Also, I do kinda like the idea that having Tydal back is making Celestia and Luna act like foals again. It's kind of cute.
What cured him of his case of being encased in stone? Supersoft?
The fact that Shining and Twilight apparently celebrate a holiday called Big Brother Who Raised Me day says a lot about their relationship with their parents...
1588293
Also they said nothing about taking it back to Appaloosa and just sticking it on a train to Manehattan. After all, trains aren't magic nor do they fly.
One question. Did you mean 'loss' instead of 'lose'?
goddammit didn't realize it said Manehattan
1588293
Tydal was turned to stone by Celestia and Luna to save his life. In 'How Do You Shoot A Gun With Hooves' (a castle/pony crossover) it is revealed that Tydal battled Discord to buy Celestia and Luna time to use the elements. Because of the wounds, Celestia used a gargoyle spell known as The Stone Spell, which would allow Tydal to heal from his wounds. It took 1,500 years, but in the end he was healed and broke out of the stone.
1590412
I'm seriously(not really) thinking of writing a Brave fanfic based on this now.
You lot are thinking Brave. I'm thinking of a different movie. But which pony is the Bandit, and who will we see as Buford T Justice?
1591833 you were not the only one ^^, I loved that movie
.
Poor Celestia, this bet is a nice chance and was that a Team Rocket refence? I love the Flim and Flam brothers, also Enemies of Harmony Anonymous meeting THIS has to be made into a fic
I find it hard to picture Luna with out her hair............
... Luna, do you want to die, or have you just been taking extra strength stupid pills recently?
The fact that they always end badly?
I'd complain about how Poke The Poodleish this is, but, aggravating Tydal is generally a bad move.
Poor guy.
Wow. Mortals cannot comprehend the sheer stupidity of this.
Of course.
Hahah, still hilarious. Gonna keep reading. Can't wait until they get to the griffon lands.
Judy one thing, it's 'couldn't care less', not 'could care less'.
Chapter proves why Luna truly is best pony.