Cult It Out
"I don't understand why it is so difficult for you to follow my orders to the letter!"
Wall Breaker and Logic Point glanced at each other before looking at Prince Blueblood. "Uh, my Prince?" Logic Point said slowly, "I don't understand what the problem is. We have followed all of your orders to the letter."
"No, you have not! You have followed what I wrote down and what I have said but when i have changed my mind you have failed to adjust your actions!"
"You... want us to read your mind and figure out when you decide to change plans?"
"Yes!" Prince Blueblood exclaimed.
Wall Breaker turned his head to stare at the thin air. "This is what we would call being 'Too Stupid To Live'."
"What did you just say about me?" Blueblood shouted.
"I didn't say anything."
"Yes you did, I just heard you!" Blueblood exclaimed.
"I was talking to the audience, not you. You can't hear me when I talk to the audience... it is called a soliloquy. It's kinda my thing."
"Wait... so I am suppose to just ignore you if you turn your head and talk to the nothingness?"
"No. You ignore me when i am talking to the audience." Wall Breaker turned his head once more to prove his point. "I think he is also a bit of an idiot manchild."
"There, you did it again!" Blueblood shouted.
"Right, but you can't know what I said."
"I heard you," Blueblood said.
Logic Point sighed. "My prince, just let it go."
"No, I will not! I heard you call me an idiot manchild!"
Wall Breaker smiled and patted the unicorn on the head. "You only think you did but you didn't."
"I didn't?" Blueblood said, confused.
"Indeed. You can't hear me when I talk to the audience."
"Can... can I hear you right now?"
"Of course. It would be silly if you couldn't."
"THAT would be silly?" Logic Point complained. When the two nodded the guard rolled his eyes and stomped out of the room. "I am going to go hit my head against a wall until I no longer care."
Prince Blueblood and Wall Breaker stared off into space. "Clearly he is nuts," the two said, before glancing at each other and giving hooves up (which were like thumbs up but a lot more lame).
The God Squad
Episode 22: Cult It Out
"There it is... the Palace of the Moon!" the leader of the cult declared.
"Wow," Luna whispered, staring at the grand structure that stood in the distance. It looked absolutely gigantic, dominating the landscape and imposing its dark shadow upon all that saw it. The entire thing was made out of black granite (because it being made of polka dot granite would have been silly and impossible, since polka dot granite had become extinct 230 years ago) with towering towers (again, silly, because what else would towers do?) violet spikes (which were also violent) and a deep moat that threatened to consume all that dared to swim across it (much like Lindsey Lohan... ah, topical references). "Very, very impressive!"
"Thank you! We look forward to opening it up in the next 10 years."
"Say what now?" Luna said, brow furrowed.
"Well... the palace isn't ready, of course. We were established only 4 months ago so we haven't been able to get it built yet. But we started a Kickstarter account and are getting a lot of donations."
"Who is Kickstarter?" Tydal questioned.
Shining frowned as part of the capricorn's watery skin dripped on his shoulder. "So pony who helps get donations for inventors and different groups."
"Ah."
The leader of the cult walked over to the 'Palace' and, with a knock of his hoof, revealed it to be nothing more than a finely painted billboard. "Let me assure you though, oh most beautiful of fanged monsters, that our current residence will do you proud.
~10 Minutes Later...~
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Luna snarled at her sister. It was only the combined efforts of Tydal and Cadence that kept the moon goddess from tearing her cackling older sister to shreds. Celestia, for her part, was rolling on the ground, unable to contain her laughter. Parts of the floor caught on fire as Celestia rubbed her burning mane upon the ground. The cult members didn't seem to pay any attention, as they were scurrying about, wanting to put the final touches on their hideout.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL AND LEAVE THIS WORLD IN ETERNAL NIGHT!" Luna roared.
Shining hurried over, waving his hooves in front of Luna's face. "No no! No need for that!" He leapt over to Tydal and slammed a bucket he had found into the capricorn's back, gathering some water which he used in an attempt to put out the flames.
"Hey! That's my skin!" Tydal shouted. "You want water?" Lightning cracked in his eyes and everypony could feel the air becoming very moist. "I can give you water..."
"No floods either!" Shining pointed a hoof at a still snorting Celestia. "And no more fires! And Cadence, sweetie, stop pole dancing!"
"Sorry," Cadence said, disintegrating the pole she had created in the middle of the room.
"Now, I want all of you to take a breath!" When the gods blinked at him Shining jabbed his horn at them. "Unless you want little pink force field bubbles shoved up your rectums I would do as I ask!" He whipped around to a grinning Cadence. "And if you DO want want, sweetie, then you need to focus."
"...ok," the immortals said sullenly.
"That's better."
Celestia stood up, stomping out one of the small infernos she had started. "Shining Armor is right... we must try and contain ourselves. Our hormones are so much stronger in these forms-"
Cadence, for no reason whatsoever, began to sob. Her horn flashed and a gallon of ice cream appeared, which she began to shovel into her mouth while humming Sapphire Shores' latest hit about heartache.
"-so we need to focus and keep a hold of our senses." Her lips began to twitch. "Even if we are in an abandoned children's theme restaurant..."
"STOP MAKING FUN OF MY MINIONS!" Luna shouted, stopping her hoof.
"There is nothing funny about this," Tydal grunted, trotting over to one of the play areas. "This was clearly a place of great evil. Just look at this cage the foals were forced to sit in... they must have fought against these orbs, which were always threatening to suck them into the darkness."
"Tydal... that is a ball pit," Shining said.
"Truly one of the most horrible things I have ever seen."
"Oh great and powerful mistress of magic fair and foul!" the cult leader called out.
"Your boyfriend is back," Celestia cooed.
"He isn't my boyfriend! Stop picking on me!"
Shining glowered as the sisters bantered with each other. "Nightmare Moon was basically a teenager on a power trip... that explains so much and yet so little."
Luna gave her sister the cold shoulder, turning her dragoness-stare upon the leader of her minions. "Yes, moon slave?"
The cult leader moaned obscenely at the new nickname.
"Uh... moon slave? Please stop doing that... kinda creeping me out."
The cult leader nodded his head. "But of course, she who has the most hairiest of flanks. I merely came-"
Tydal gagged.
"-to tell you that we are ready for the main event. Please, come with me." The leader led the group past the arcade and the Whack-A-Discord (a fan favorite) and into the main dining room. Already much of the cult was seated at their tables with pizza and soda being consumed. Luna looked longingly at the food but had to bypass it, as she and the rest of her family was being led upstage, where a special table with microphones had been set up. "Take a seat!" the leader said happily.
Celestia sat down, only to whip her head around when one of the robotic figures still on the stage (this one in the shape of a giant sloth) powered on and turned towards her. "Hiya everypony!” the robot said, his accent like Applejack’s if she had been beaten in the head with a shovel as a child (and she may have been, who knows what Granny Smith liked to do for fun?). “My name is Grease E. Gus and welcome to my all-star review.”
Celestia slowly turned her head towards the robot. “Urge to kill rising...”
“Now then, I done heard that it was some little filly or colt’s birthday! Is it your birthday today?"
"No." Celestia said in annoyance, her eyes flashing crimson.
"Well, I am super excited to hear that, because I have a special birthday song for you! Would all ya’ll like to hear it?"
"No!" Celestia repeated.
"Alrighty! And a 1 and a 2 and a 1,2, 3, 4!" Tydal let out a yelp when an otter robot near him began to play the guitar while several other band members came to life and began to sing. "Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy-"
"I think the recording is skipping!" Shining shouted over the noise.
"No, this is the song!" the cult leader shouted. “Goes on for like twenty minutes before they get to the ‘birthday’ part!”
""Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy-"
"Permission to kill?" Tydal yelled over the unholy din.
"Granted!" Shining called out.
Celestia opened her mouth and let loose a blast of solar fire that burned Grease E. Gus to his wire frame. Tydal lashed out, his stone tail cutting the otter's head off. The air above Luna's head shimmered before several shooting stars appeared, unleashing their fury on the drummer. Cadence, for her part, took her empty ice cream container and smacked a sea cucumber robot until the music stopped.
The cult blinked before bursting into applause.
"See how they defeat the robots that have tormented us so? Is not Nightmare Moon and the Moonettes truly the best deities?"
"Moonettes?" Cadence asked.
"If you begin calling us that I will banish you back to that cold rock," Celestia growled.
It was Luna's turn to cackle. "Moonettes, Moonettes, Moonettes..."
Before the sisters could begin fighting again the cult leader cleared his throat and began to address the minions. "Now then, we have waited many weeks for this moment, but with the finding of Nightmare Moon, at long last we can begin... MOONCON 1002!"
"Moon what now?" Luna said.
"Mooncon... a convention dedicated to you, oh perfect evil monster!" the cult leader declared. "We are going to have several Q&As-"
"Uh, I don't know about this," Luna said.
"-and we will be looking at exclusive new flipbooks depicting your many adventures-"
"This sounds really nerdy," Tydal complained, before leaned down and taking a bite out of the robot otter.
"-and of course we will be showing the first images of the Nightmare Moon action figures-"
Shining's brow wrinkled. "Who would want a Nightmare Moon Action figure?"
"How many bits?" Luna said, suddenly liking all of this.
"-and of course there will be Artist Alley... which is in an actual alley!"
"Do they do tasteful nudes?" Cadence asked.
Celestia cleared her throat. "Just how long will Mooncon be?"
"Oh, just a week."
All of the gods (and Shining) let out a moan of protest.
"Will our heroes ever escape the Mooncon? Will they be able to resist the urge to murder innocent ponies? Will they ever get to Chrysalis? Find out next time!"
"And our special moderator for the Q&A is Plotdump the Narrator!" the cult leader said.
The gods (and Shining) moaned even louder.
Stats
Page generated in 0.044 seconds
Total duration
1,147 users online
2,417,086 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Just a quick update: after this arc, The God Squad will be taking a few weeks off. The reason is that we are going to jump ahead in time in the Scootaverse, all the way to December 1003, for a new holiday fic I am writing entitled 'Happy Hearths Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle!'. The story will be a parody of all those classic Christmas movies and feature the ponies learning the true meaning of Hearths Warming... wait, they already learned that... uh... ok, so they are going to learn how not to RUIN the holidays.
1712495
If there's a Hearth's Warming Eve, is there a Hearth's Warming Day?
Nice job man, I love how well you have
developed the story, you can tell that you're
getting better. Each chapter is better than the
last, and I'm proud to say that I can't wait to
see what you come up with next!
Eddie
This is better than Comic con I tell you what.
I like how Celestia turns into a bickering filly when in 10% formdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
And then as it turns out Chrysalis was a really big fan of NMM and showed up at mooncon only to be turned to vapor by Luna
1712525 Surprisingly, no.
Good chapter, though now I'm more interested in your upcoming Hearth's Warming story.
You go Shining Armor, show those gods that you're just as good as they are.
This whole thing is getting rather silly. I expect to see more silliness and for one of those NMM action figures to be mailed to me for free.
i foresee someone going insane by the end of this story
This is stupid.
Why can't I stop reading and enjoying this fic!
I could barely stop laughing at the "Happy happy happy Birthday" Song
Hey! Ball pits are no joke
Just ask the guys at jackass and they'll tell ya
>>>Wall Breaker turned his head to stare at the thin air. "This is what we would call being 'Too Stupid To Live'.">>>
HEYYY!!! I coined that term back in 1986 when I determined that I was the most evolved creature ever to emerge upon this planet and all other humans were 'too stupid to live'! My plans for your complete extermination are nearly complete, by the way!
>>>The leader led the group past the arcade and the Whack-A-Discord (a fan favorite)>>> Oh please tell me this story gets a "WHAM" chapter!
That was the best chapter in any story ever... Discord suffering unspeakable pain and mutilation... it was beautiful. *sniffles*
1714346 That would have to be Shining, because the rest of them are already insane.
1716893 so true
One minor issue: Shining says 'So pony who helps get donations for inventors and different groups.'; I think you meant 'Some'. Other than that ... nice.
And when you mention 'Happy Hearths Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle' will show how to not ruin the holidays ... do you mean we'll see how to avoid it by seeing every possible method of ruining that ponies, a dragon, and a confused Dalek can come up with?
I can just imagine Team Four Star's Alucard in pony form fitting perfectly in with the God Squad, making his own witty remarks, shooting the robot with this pistols, quadruple-tapping it, reloading his pistols, then quintuple-tapping it, and of course giving his patented annoyed ancient vampire god groans at the very end.
1717067
Yup
1712495
Wait a minute, not ruin the holidays? Why would anypony want to do that?
I stick with what I said before:
When all else fails, these guys don't.
COMPLETELY AMAZING STORY!!!
their initial "secret" base made me think of monty python and the holy grail- "its only a model" "Shhh!"
Tydal is best po-... capricorn!
THANKS for the amazing random humor, you write it quite well
1718543 Probably Shining's doing. And I bet he tries to "teach" them, but of course they fail horribly.
I'm starting to feel bad for poor Shining, not because he has to deal with 4 crazy gods, but because of his wife. Cadence isn't the mare he fell in love with, he's trapped in a marriage with someone who he doesn't even know anymore. Considering his love for her was strong enough to beat Celestia. The sad thing is that I think he's dealing with it in the same way that Cadence is dealing with her trauma; sex. Based on the end of her chapter in the last story, I think they're both just avoiding the problem and hoping it just goes away, but it won't just go away, not if they keep ignoring it
I wonder if Moonbase Alpha will make an appearance....
I really want to see a con called 'Mooncon' now...
"But we started a Kickstarter account and are getting a lot of donations."
You, kind author, are master at refferences!
I am the master of mind reading, and I declare that Twilight got her table killing skills from Shining
You know, if I were the cultists, I'd be scared considering there are 4 gods in front of them and one powerful mortal that could rip them apart by simple expanding a forcefield inside them or creating a forcefield around their heads so they can't breathe.
Tydal speaks the Truth! Destroy the ball-pit menace!
This shouldn't surprise you.
O, K then. Not sure how to react to that.
He is good!
I know.
That must be really scary to the average pony, seeing what is essentially the boogeymare turn her draconic eyes towards you.
Whack a Discord. Can I try?
That works.
Seeing such powerful beings act so childish is hilarious.
As did this brony.
Do they do tasteless nudes?
I was hoping Freddy Fozbear would show up.
Shining works hard... give him some applause people
... Coming to think of it, we never actually got a Nightmare Moon action figure, just a statue.