Elementary, My Dear Celestia
In the time that I had been flatmates with my friend, Sheerclaw Hones, I had come to expect, nah, anticipate the most strangest of visitors in our humble drawing room. From the poorest of wretches to the wealthiest of kings, all came like pilgrims on religious quest. They would sit in the stuffed easy chair and fidget and squirm while my friend filled his pipe with fine suet. They would only speak when he allowed them too and not a moment sooner. Out in the regular world they might be the masters of finance or politics, but in our flat they were no better than some urchin that didn't have two bits to rub together.
Such was the case when I awoke that fine summer’s day. Leodon was as splendid as ever: the fog was thick, the sunlight weak, the smell of soot filled the lungs, and the streets were full pasty-hided griffins. Nothing beat Leodon in summer time.
Hones was seated in his favorite chair, a newspaper gripped in his talons as he puffed away on his morning pipe. I settled down to enjoy a fine breakfast of sausage and poppy seed muffins, having no need to greet Hones. He would speak when it was necessary and trying to force him to do so any earlier than needed would be foolish.
"Tell me, what do you know of ponies?"
Hones did not waste time on pleasantries and I had long gotten use to him broaching subjects like this in lieu of a 'hello'. He had once told me that his great mind could only be troubled with so many things and common manners simply did not win out when compared to other such learned areas such as the analysis of cigar ashes or differing paw sizes and how that might relate to a griffin's tendency to commit larceny.
"Not much, I confess," I admitted. "They live across the sea and come in three different forms-"
"The winged pegasus, which lacks our strength by makes up for it in speed,” Hones stated, cutting me off. “The terrains or 'earth pony' as they are rather vulgarly called, who are seen as the weakest of the three breeds even though they have the greatest strength, endurance and lifespan of all ponies; and the unicorns, who wield natural magic through their horn and tend to try and emulate our cultured ways… and fail. Each, of course, has their own place in the web of crime that so inflicts the populace of this world; the pegasi are prone to petty theft such as bag snatching, the terrains tend to lean towards intimidation and racketeering, and the unicorns are skilled safe crackers."
"Yes, of course," I mumbled, trying to decide which sausage patty I would like to devour first.
"Now tell me, Watcher, what if I were to tell you that existed a creature the possessed the gifts of all three of their species? The wings of the pegasus, the horn of a unicorn, and the strength and durability of a terrain? Would you think I was mad?"
I scoffed. “Hardly, old man, hardly. I would inform you that such a being has been known for quite some time," I stated with a slight smile, pleased that, for once, I was on the same wavelength as my friend. "You describe an alicorn."
"Indeed," Hones commented, puffing on his pipe and sending great clouds of smoke up into the air. He steepled his talons together and continued. "There are three known in existence: Princesses Celestia, Luna and Mi Amora Cadenza. Much like our own Great Griffin, each is an immortal and charged with one key function in keeping this world spinning: the movement of the sun and the moon and the development of love." Hones shot me a coy smile. "They are also related to many other immortal rulers, including the recently returned capricorn king and his Highness."
"Quite right," I stated, finally selecting a patty and nibbling it to nonexistence. "I am surprised you know of the return of Lord Tydal… normally such matters are beneath you.”
“Ah, but you fail to see how they would be anything but. With the return of Lord Tydal comes the return of his entire race. Think about it, Watcher… an entirely new face of intelligent creatures, with their own culture and gifts and methods. They are a warrior race from a lost area and it would be foolish of me not to pay attention. Capricorns, from what I have been able to find out, lean towards murder and would make fine mercenaries if they weren’t so independent.”
“I follow, I follow,” I begged off. “Tell me, Hones, why exactly the sudden interest in ponies?"
There was a knock on the door.
"Because the Princesses will be her in ten seconds."
The God Squad
Episode 30: Elementary, my dear Celestia
Cadence looked around the drawing room in confusion. "Huh, it's weird we went from first person narration to third. Thank the Creator for the Title Card."
"She's doing it again," Luna hissed as they entered the sitting room of 221B Baker Street.
"Yeah, sorry about that," Shining said with a grimace, "on the boat ride here she was reading some strange book..."
~Three Days Earlier~
Cadence opened the book she had bought at the gift shop in Tydal's Keep (hey, the capricorns have to make their bits somehow!) and grinned as the enchantments kicked in. Unlike most books, this one was designed to produce a voice that would read the text for any that opened up.
"Breaking the Fourth Wall for Dummies, by Wall Breaker the 4th," the book stated. "As read by Pinkie Pie... hey, that's me! Cool, isnit it? You are hearing my voice and I’m not there… unless I am there, but I don’t know if I am… Pinkie, are you there? Helllooooooo!!!! Anyway, Chapter 1: It is time for the scene to switch back to 221B Baker Street."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice," Fuzzy Thinker said, walking over to the couch that the detective gestured too and settling down. Tydal busied himself with looking over the collection of jackknives the detective kept while Shining, Cadence, Celestia and Luna gathered around Fuzzy.
"I believe introductions are in order," the detective’s companion stated. "I am Jaunty Watcher and this is my friend, Mr. Sheerclaw Hones."
Fuzzy nodded. "Of course. May I present-"
Hones waved him off. "No need for that, your majesty. It is quite clear who is gathered here."
"I suppose our faces are pretty recognizable," Luna said.
"I have never seen a picture of any of you, save your Highness," he tilted his head in respect towards Fuzzy, "but it does not take a detective to figure out who you are. There are only three alicorns in existence and from your cutie marks it is easy to confirm which is which. As for Lord Tydal…”
“I’m the biggest damn capricorn in the world,” the sea god grunted.
“Quite. Much harder to point out that you all stopped by a bake shop after arriving into port this morning and happened upon his Highness by accident. Also Princess Mi Amora only recently purchased the sunglasses that are sitting upon her face, and there was an altercation that has resulted in your captain of the guard here, who I confess to not know the name of, to be worried that Lord Tydal will attempt to kill us. Worry not, Captain, Lord Tydal is only sizing us up to determine our threat levels."
The gods blinked in surprise.
"How... how did you guess all that?" Celestia said in surprise.
"I never GUESS, Princess," Hones said with a dismissive snort. "I deduce."
Luna frowned. "Actually, I think you mean induce -"
"I can tell you went to the bake shop by the dab of chocolate frosting that is still present on Princess Celestia's upper lip." The sun goddess blushed and quickly wiped it away. "I look at each of you and see a sheen of salt residue on your coats; you would not have received this had you flown so obviously you took a boat. A capricorn would obviously have this, but a princess? No… and the presence of a unicorn shows that this would only be logical because none of you could have flown the entire way from Equestria with him on your back. The fact that the residue is still on your coats points to the fact that you only just arrived, as they first thing any self respecting princess would do would be take a shower."
"That is correct," Luna stated. "But what about us meeting Fuzzy unexpectedly? He could have met us on the dock."
"Doubtful," Hones stated with a dismissive wave. "Why would you go to a bake shop and get treats if you knew you would be coming here and we, like all noble griffins, would provide food for you?” At that moment, Hones’ landlady (‘not your housekeeper’) Mrs. Housekeeper arrived with a tray of biscuits. “No, you arrived, stopped for a quick snack, then went to a sunglasses shop to purchase a new pair for Princess Mi Amora where Lord Tydal engaged in a fight, then ran into his Highness."
"How do you know about the sunglasses and the fight?" Luna asked. "Also, you have yet to deduce anything... you are still inducing-"
Celestia frowned. “Actually, I think he might be deducing, if you-“
"The sunglasses are Griffish in make. Look at the lens... clearly not tinted enough for somepony traveling from Equestria, home of the sun goddesses. No, it is clear Princess Mi Amora realized her current pair were too dark and bought a new pair, as can be seen by the fact that the tan line around her eyes is in a different shape than the glasses she currently wears."
"Right, except I did't buy ‘em, gov’nor, I flirted with ta clerk and showed some flank and he gave me them for free, too rightly!"
"That's true," Shining said, his instincts warring between annoyance that his wife practically whored herself for sunglasses... and the joy that he didn't have to pay for them. "And Tydal's little fight with the shopkeep?"
"He is a capricorn... when have they ever managed to go 30 minutes without starting a fight."
"Got me there," Tydal admitted.
"His choice to not attack myself or Watcher is simple to deduce-"
"Induce," Luna complained.
"-one need only read his body language. Lord Tydal is in, for lack of a better word, 'analyze mode’, NOT 'search and destroy'." Hones took a few puffs of his pipe. "Now then, why don't you tell me why you have all come to see me."
Fuzzy cleared his throat and laid out the facts: a week ago he had sent a letter and a customary after-dinner owl to Hairy Grabber, a young griff prophesized to defeat Modly Warts (Tydal, Shining and Hones scoffed at this). However, Hairy had never responded and when Fuzzy had sent representatives to check in on the boy, they had discovered that his home had been ransacked and the young griff was missing.
Hones nodded his head, eyes closed as he pondered the case before him. Cadence, wiggling in her chair (she had to use the potty and thought it would be rude to leave without permission from their host), finally shouted. "GET ON WITH IT!"
"Yes, get on with it!" Tydal snapped.
"Get on with it!" Tim the Enchanter grumbled, popping his head into the flat.
"GET ON WITH IT!" all the extras from Monty Python's The Holy Grail bellowed.
Hones gave them a sour look but did as asked. "There are certain elements of your case that are of interest, even if it is, on the whole, rather pedestrian."
"I like it when pedestrians put things on my hole," Cadence stated (though it was a bit forced as she still needed to go potty).
"Quite," Hones said before continuing. "I will be happy to take your case."
"At a discount," Celestia stated.
"Excuse me?" Hones said in surprise.
"Well, you did just say that the case was rather pedestrian, so it only makes sense that you would give us a discounted rate, as it does not meet the level of your normal cases."
Hones turned several different shades of purple.
Celestia leaned forward, a sly smile forming on her lips. "That is, of course, unless you want to admit that you were wrong... of course, in that case, you’d need to lower your rates anyway, as I would be concerned about paying a griff that could get such a fact wrong so easily."
"...well played," Hones grumbled before standing up, grabbing his inverse and deerstalker. "Come along, Watcher, the game is apaw!"
"Don't you mean 'ahoof?'" Luna asked.
Hones, Fuzzy and Watcher shared a look, before grumbling about 'Equestrians'.
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I am going to come right out and say it: I am a giant fan of Sherlock Holmes.
I have read all the stories (and save for the novels, everything at least twice), as well as the Seven Per-Cent Solution (one of the best non-Doyle Sherlock stories) and even the hard to find Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street (the 'biography' of Holmes).
So yeah, I am a fan.
Get on with Yet?
Man, it's been so long I've forgotten. What did they set out to accomplish again?
2024673 shoving a hoof up Chrysalis's ass
Man, you got that opening so perfect, it's untrue. Well done!
I liked it, especially Celestia being able to squeeze the discount out of Hones.
Left out the 'e' in 'here'
There was one other thing, but I can't remember what it was right now
Other than that, I didn't spot anything, great job
Ah yes can't have a British parody without Sherlock Holmes now can we?
Celestia
Sheerclaw Hones, OTP. I can just see them talking circles around one another for hours on end, and loving every second of it. "At last, an intellect to rival my own."
I've never read nor seen anything Sherlock Holmes.
Also I don't know how he normally is but in this fic he's annoying me.
2024811 *puffs pipe* Quite the contrary, my dear Kailandi! Given that princesses are, generally speaking, of the female persuasion, a princess would by definition indeed be "her". Still shoddy grammar, though.
The correct title is Monty Python and The Holy Grail.
----------
Will the cast be taunted by the Prench? Will they be attacked by griffins wielding fresh fruit? Will they learn how not to be seen? All this and more not necessarily guaranteed to show up later in The God Squad. Stay tuned.
I think that this is the second coolest thing that could happen in the story. (Holmes is AWESOME!)
But what would be even cooler? Zorro somehow squeezing his way into this.
Huge fan of Zorro.
Really enjoying your take on the Griffins as we now add Sherlock Homes into this.
You never cease to amuse me.
Have the Mane 6 as a present.
"Aluminumentry, my were-Datsun."
The editing needs work.
"Equestrians" (hmph)
Quite right Mr. Hones.
Also Luna, it is deduction (but only for Hones/Holmes), the theory and hypothesis are already formed when it comes to Hones thus to the observer it would seem like induction but in reality given who Hones is, it is deduction. Nice little tidbit there on whether what Holmes does is induction or deduction.
Love it!
"Because the Princesses will be her in ten seconds." Minor quibble but it breaks the flow a bit.
As a philosophy nerd I greatly appreciate the point about induction and deduction
I haven't read any Sherlock Holmes in awhile, but from what I can remember your Hones an Watcher are pretty dead-on when compared to Holmes and Watson. I could almost believe I'm reading actual Sherlock Holmes... ya know, if it weren't for the Griffons and Ponies and murderous Capricorns.
2025311
*Shines monocle* Ah, right you are, good sir
Best cold opening ever.
Haha, I had to look up the definitions of inductive and deductive reasoning, and I think Luna has a good chance of being right.
Oh God, I can't even begin to express my delight for this chapter. It's amazing on so many levels...
First, the cold opening, exactly like a Sherlock Holmes episode, simply to get the new character more 'life'.
Then, the book on breaking the fourth wall. Especially funny since it being a book it had to be read by Twilight Sparkle and in a newer episode she just
brakes the fourth wall!
Then the typical Sherlock Holmes way of analyzing people (and still struggling with the gods nonetheless).
The clever joke about the difference between deduce and induce. 2029515 wasn't the only one who had to look that one up.
Nuff said.
Ok, ok. These little things simply make your story even funnier and more likeable (is that even a word?) because you keep on getting surprised by them, when you are reading the chapter for the plot (either one) or the bigger jokes and you just stumble over these between great jokes.
The shoutout-joke to Monthy Python. Get on with it! (At this rate I'm seriously waiting for the dirty fork, the lumberjack song or self defence against fruit. Or do you surprise with the fish-slap dance, 2024647?)
Celestia tricking Hones into a discount (by her usual shenanigan-inducing ways).
And the 'simple fact' of your characters being in-charakter and still too funny for their own good.
You have high expectations riding on you but
Oh and
...yeah, I 'recently' found youtube reactions and short statements and can't stop using them.
Love how they out wit Hones at the end...
2029880
I always forget which logic goes in what direction, general to specific or specific to general. Also, the opening seemed to mirror the writing style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The Cigar ash references the first story of Holmes and Watson; where Holmes is able to correctly identify what cigar a suspect smoked while waiting for someone by examining the ash.
2028519
I liked the last one better, I mean come on it's Liam Neeson.
The way you make the gods act made me think of this
Meh, Batmane's a better detective.
I wish i could take Celestia with me when i go to buy my next car.
2025228
that's actually how he is most of the time (especially in the modern take on him)
Damn........this griff is GGGGGGOOOOOODDDDDD!!!!!
Shit, this was an amazing chapter, loved it
"GET ON WITH IT!"... you always know how to make the best references... *sigh*
it's stories like this that make me forget why i got on the computer in the first place. (in a good way)
keep up the good work. looking forward to more
I don't like this Hones, he reminds me of Excalibur from Soul Eater.
trust me, you don't wanna know.
2358277 static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100220204533/souleater/images/2/2b/Excalibur_Reaction.jpg
Sweet madre I hate that guy.
Glad to find a fellow Sherlock Holmes fan in you Defender. I think I like Griffish Watson and Holmes.
2024647 And your love of the two is obvious, considering how in-character they are.
This is hilariously accurate.
Of course it's crime related, you do know your Sherlock well.
Indeed. I like how Watson is competant here, or, Watcher really, it's sad many incarnations of him are useless when in the original books, it's not that he's bad, it's just that Sherlock is much better.
Oh he is good! This reminds me of those late nights in bed, reading Sherlock Holmes.
Cadence! The 4th wall is bad enough as it is!
Quite.
Well deduced, Mr Hones.
Indeed.
Mi AmorE, Mr Hones. And once again, correct.
Of course.
Poor Shining.
He's got you there.
HEH!
Sherclaw is good, but Celestia is better.
Too true.
More griffies, always good!
Every time I see the chapter title after the cold open, I imagine the title slamming onto the screen suddenly with a single, sharp musical note, where it lays slightly askew. Then, after a moment, something destructive happens to clear it away for the first scene (eg., the screen cracks and breaks like broken glass), different every time.