Con Job
"Well well well... look at the Blank Flanks!" Diamond Tiara taunted, a sneer on her lips and a song in her heart (but it was the song 'Friday' so even the song was horrible and wrong). Beside her, her hetreo-lifemate Silver Spoon (the filly and not the show that had Ricky Schroeder and the guy that played Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) was sticking out her tongue and mocking the Cutie Mark Crusaders who were, at that moment, trying to decide which bank to rob to get their 'Super Villain' cutie mark.
"Ya, we get it," Applebloom said in a bored tone. "We have blank flanks. And when we don't you'll make fun of us for not being rich or for the way we talk or for Sweetie Belle's learning disability."
"My what now?" Sweetie asked, confused.
The others ignored the unicorn. "Yeah, we will!" Diamond Tiara said with malicious glee. "You three are worthless and I am the best! There is no one better than me! I am rich, powerful, and I have a cutie mark and if you don't have one then you are scum."
"So, I guess that makes me scum." Diamond and Silver slowly turned around and found themselves staring at a pair of legs. Slowly craning their heads out, the two let out squeaks when they finally locked eyes with Princess Misty, daughter of Tydal, Princess of the capricorns and goddess of bays (who was in Ponyville to ask why her father was still traveling around with his family instead of being at home doing his godly duties). Misty was the exact opposite of her sister: she was stern, tough as nails, and her hair was always straight.
If Coral was the Pinkie Pie of the capricorns, Misty was the Pinkamena.
"I mean, I must be scum, since I have a blank flank too," Misty said coolly, leaning down till her nose bumped into Diamond Tiara's. "Right?"
"Uh...uh... Silver Spoon?"
"...no habla ponyesse."
Before Diamond Tiara could comment on her friend playing Brutus to her Caesar (... it's a reference to a Shakespeare play, you uneducated cretin!), Misty flipped the pink filly onto her tail. "You ever wanted to see the moon?"
"No," Tiara whimpered.
"Too bad," Misty said, before launching the rich snob into outer orbit. "Enjoy the fall back down, bitch!"
"...did she just kill Diamond Tiara?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Who cares? We're free! We're finally free!" Scootaloo and Applebloom began to dance around in glee.
The God Squad
Episode 23: Con Job
"Evil... villainous... monster. These are the words we think of when we think of the things we think about thinking when it comes to wicked thinkers," Plotdump said gravely.
Shining shook his head. "Tydal, permission to kill me."
"Denied... if I have to suffer so do you."
"Tonight, at Grease E. Gus' Pizza Palace, we are proud to have the greatest evil mastermind seen in Equestria since Puppy Raper the Mad. I give you.... Nightmare Moon."
The cult members began to cheer, waving signs and blowing on noise makers.
"We love you Nightmare Moon!"
"You are our evil mistress!"
"I'm the cousin of the stallion that likes yelling thing!"
Celestia hung her head. "Maybe if I focus really hard I can burn out the piece of my brain that feels pain."
Plotdump turned his attention towards Luna. "There are so many questions that must be asked. So many pondering thoughts that... race through my brain when it comes to you. But I think the most important is... who... is Nightmare Moon?"
Luna blinked. "Uh... I am."
The crowd waited exactly 15 seconds before bursting into wild cheers and applause.
"That is the truth of the matter, isn't it?" Plotdump said, pressing his hooves together and watching Luna with a creepy, intense stare; it was the kind of stare a man might direct at Justin Bieber before realizing he was a boy and not a lesbian with a short haircut. "That is the sign of a truly self-confident mare... that she is who SHE is. Truly breath-taking and only further proof that none of us are worthy of breathing the air you fire out of your rump."
"... what the hay is wrong with all of you?" Luna exclaimed.
"Indeed... what is wrong with us?" Plotdump turned to the cultists. "What... is wrong with all of us? If we could solve this, then we could achieve,perhaps, 1/5th of the wonderfulness that is Nightmare Moon."
"Which is about 1/19th the wonderfulness of me," Celestia muttered.
Cadence suddenly smiled. "Oh... I get it... we are at a comic book convention based around Nightmare Moon!" She turned to Shining. "I just got it."
"Good for you, sweetie... go back to thinking up new sexual positions," her husband said. Cadence gave him a grim salute, her face hard and determined.
"Now then... let us take a few questions from the audience," Plotdump said. "Yes, you sir."
The mare blinked. "Uh, I'm female."
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure," the mare said. "Unless Nightmare wants me to be male." She turned pleading eyes towards Luna. "Do you? Just say the word and I will attempt to grow a penis right now!" The mare squatted down, her face contorted as she began to grunt and hiss.
"Stay a mare! Stay a mare!" Luna exclaimed in horror.
The cultist nodded pleasantly. "Thank you. Now then... my name is Pickle Jar and I am a long time listener, first time caller."
"Huh?" Tydal said. "What do you mean, caller?"
Pickle Jar ignored the capricorn. "I love you and I love your show....mareship. Your showmareship."
"Thanks... I think," Luna said.
"My question is: does your mane taste like grape jam?"
The four deities and Shining just stared at her.
"Or is it blueberry?" Pickle asked.
"What... the... (censored)?" Luna stated.
"Please forgive her, oh most wonderful bringer of death," the cult leader said quickly. "She's an Asshole."
"That isn't a nice thing to say," Cadence said sadly. "She asked a silly question, yet, but you shouldn't-"
"No, I mean her name is literally Asshole. Pickle Jar Asshole. She is a member of the Asshole family."
"There is an Asshole family?" Shining said in surprise.
Tydal nodded. "Of course... their lineage traces back to Sir Filthy Asshole, who fought in the Battle of Muddy Water."
"I am suddenly aroused and I don't know why," Cadence said, squirming in her chair.
"You're always aroused," Celestia gently reminded her.
"Oh yeah."
Luna, directed her attention on Pickle. "You are really an Asshole?"
"And proud of it!"
"And so am I!" a stallion proclaimed. "Mr. Fatty Asshole, at your service."
Shining frowned. "Just how many Assholes are in this cult anyway?"
"YO!!" Nearly 2/3rds of the cult said, waving their hoof in the air.
"I knew it! We're surrounded by Assholes!" Tydal declared.
At that moment, a messenger pony trotted in. He looked around before spotting the deities on stage and trotted over to them. "Certified letter for the cast of The God Squad."
"I'll sign for it," Celestia said, applying her Jockey Handycock (named for Jockey Handycock, the famous statespony who signed the Declaration of Feelin' Fine) to the form.
"What does it say?" Cadence asked, leaning in towards her sister/aunt as Celestia ripped open the envelope.
"We're being sued by Mel Brooks for stealing his joke!" Celestia complained.
Luna snatched the letter away. "This is Iron Will excrement!” When the others blinked, she said "Bull plop."
"Ah."
"How much is he suing us for?" Shining asked. Celestia passed over the letter, causing the stallion to let out a long whistle. "Frau Blücher!"
Every pony in the building neighed in protest.
“Great, nice going Shining, now we are going to get sued again!” Luna complained.
"Excuse me," one of the cult members said, standing up. "I have a question."
"Go right ahead, good sir," Plotdump said.
The cult member cleared his throat. "My name is Stickin Damud and I want to complain about all of this! I mean... look at all of you. None of you are acting like you should, you keep breaking the fourth wall and then act like it didn't happen, you keep ripping off Doctor Who and Scooby Doo and other things that rhyme with 'blue'... it's just not funny!"
"Well, it is a little funny..." Luna said weakly.
"No, it really isn't it," Stickin said with a grunt. "I mean, just look at the five of you. First off we have the stupid OC-"
"Hey!" Tydal shouted, Shining moving to restrain him. "I have a PhD in biology, you jerk!"
"-who is crammed down our throats way too much! I hate OCs and they shouldn't exist. Then we have Princess Luna!" he turned to Luna, not caring in the slightest that she looked like Nightmare Moon at the moment. "I mean, you are ignoring everything about yourself. You act like you miss being Nightmare Moon and you behave like some jock in a fraternity-"
Luna let out a burp and crushed a can of beer against her head. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention, bro."
"And just listen to you! You talk with a royal Canterlot voice, not like a normal pony." Stickin turned his nerdy rage on Cadence. "And then there is the whore."
"Ooooooh! That's me, right?" Cadence said happily.
"...enough said. Cadence is suppose to be kind and sweet... not a slut."
"I'm like Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, except I put out," Cadence stated calmly.
"Now see here," Celestia said, not liking the insults being tossed at her family. "I will not stand-"
"You are not Princess Celestia. Celestia is either a troll, a child molester or perfect to the point of being sickening. That is my head cannon and how dare you be anything but that!"
The four gods began to glow with rage.
"Uh... maybe you should stop right now," Shining said with a weak smile. "You bring up some great points but I am sure we can discuss them in a sane and rational-"
"You are the only one in character, Shining Armor," Stickin said with a smug smile. "You suck normally and you SUCK now."
Against all logic, Shining's mane burst into blue flames and godly energy began to pour from his horn as he leapt up into the air, glaring down at the cultists. Even Tydal was shocked and took a step back as Shining landed, death glowing in his eyes.
"Spare no one," he said coldly.
~2 hours Later...~
The four deities, once more in their normal, 1% forms, looked at the rubble that had been the cult’s hideout.
“Wow,” Luna murmured. “That escalated quickly.”
“I’m surprised Shining is the one that snapped,” Celestia muttered. "Who had today in the betting pool?"
Luna raised her hoof and the others, with a grumble, paid up.
Cadence patted her husband’s mane, which was still smoking. “I don’t think the fire damaged too much of your scalp, sweetie. Still, you might want to wear some fancy hats until this bald spot grows back in.”
“So… we are all in agreement, right?” Tydal asked. “We blame this on the gypsies.”
“Yup,” Shining said.
“…weren’t we originally on this trip to find the changelings?” Luna asked.
“A very good question! One that might be answered next time on-“
“One survived!” Luna shouted.
“GET HIM!” Tydal roared, grabbing a 2x4.
“Uh oh.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.046 seconds
Total duration
1,029 users online
1,804,531 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Thus ends the Cult of the Moon. They will not be missed.
We haven't seen the last of the 10% god forms, or Shining bursting into flames.
Now then, two quick announcements: First, The God Squad will be going on Christmas break. The reason for this is that I am currently getting ready to publish another story in the Scootaverse (which includes The Many Origins of Scootaloo and The God Squad). It will be a Christmas/Hearths Warming Eve story entitled "Happy Hearths Warming, Twilight Sparkle!" and parody all those wonderful Christmas movies. Discover the true meaning of Hearths Warming... wait, they already did that on the show... well, discover how the true meaning gets corrupted by gift giving, decorating contests and the general insanity of the holidays.
The fic will star the Mane 6 but feature guest appears by many of the characters from the two previous stories.
Once Christmas comes and goes, The God Squad will return with all new episodes. The gang will head on a world tour: the capricorn nation, Great Griffian, and Zebrica will all be visited.
Oh... and the changelings are coming....
i knew it, i'm surrounded by SPACEBALLS ... more plz
"No, I mean her name is literally Asshole. Pickle Jar Asshole. She is a member of the Asshole family."
Spaceballs anyone?
Welp, Shining is definitely related to Twilight, no doubt about that.
Your Shining Armor evolved into Rapidash!
Alt. Title: The OC Squad Starring Oceanic Creature Tydal featuring Celestia, Shining Armour, Cadence and maybe Luna
LET THIS BE A LESSON TO EVERYONE POSTING BELOW ME. MURDER SOLVES EVERYTHING
Wait, if Twilight is Luna and Discord's daughter, does that mean that she has the whole 1%, 10% forms as well?
I was wondering if becoming a Ponyta was genetic. I guess the Sparkle family does have some Pokemon in them.
...It all makes sense now...
Is Plotdump voiced by Rod Sterling? I can't help but hear everything he says in Rod Sterling's voice.
Also, the cold openings are slightly confusing. The concept must have been invented in... The Twilight Zone.
1724897
That would make Shining Armor a shiny Ponyta/Rapidash...
Wait...
OH GOD
THE PUN, IT BURNS
Spare noone... I like the way Shining thinks.
Wait, didn't it say somewhere in the last story that the Mane 6 will become princesses in this universe? Doesn't that mean all of them will be goddesses, and therefore have 10% forms?
Pinkie with a 10% form scares me
There were NO references to amazing movies in this chapter...
TOOOOTALLY NONE AT ALL...
Shining finally snapping was awesome and really proves he is related to Twilight, we now have another flaming pony.
sweetie belle kinda of reminds me of tucker (rvb)
sweetie starts out kinda stupid but gets smarter as the series goes on to the point shes the one coming up with the plans for the cmc
I guess that means Misty is related to Mr. Popo.
1724851 Sounds like a cross between "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and the 2000 live action movie verision of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas".
1724851 WHAT ABOUT SADDLE ARABIA?
is it sad that diamond being thrown into space was my favorite part
seems godly tantrum fire form of doom henshien is a sparkle family trait.
my lungs can't handle this level of funny!
Fanart! Fanart now!
Bloody hell
Somehow you even get in a Spaceballs ref
I'm curious if in your silly cannon we will be seeing S. Armor getting more god power rubbed off on him. He went all god of war in this chapter after all.
1725018 Of course. What are you, a Pollock?
1726039 What makes you think that?
Still Stickin did have some good points. I mean it does get pretty damn annoying when a character remains OOC constantly. I mean at that point I'd rather just see an OC then just dragging the characters through the actions until they have nothing in common with what they were originally.
But I thought Coral was the murderously happy one, where Misty was murderous but with poise.
Possibly want "things" at the end there.
Great to see that there are others out there that still appreciate good comedy movies. And for those of you who don't know...
[youtube=PNcDI_uBGUo]
[youtube=hs5j8uUR2nc]
Sure she didn't mean Sarah Jessica Parker?
Cause Luna is the best, I think we can all agree on that. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
Tydal knows what a good weapon is, sturdy and strong, and very likely to leave splinters in whoever you hit. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png
Can't believe no one caught this obvious reference.
1727930 Oh no reason, and I'm not just saying that because Tydal is watching me.
(Or am I?!)
More assholes! (and the rest of the video is good too)
Will the Hearth's Warming Eve story be more like a Hearth's Warning Eve story? Only one letter separates the two, you know.
1727698
And now I suddenly have the idea that godliness is like an STD that Cadence gives Shining.
So Shining achieved Super Unicornayan 2 before Twilight Sparkle! I haven't been this surprised since Gohon was revealed to be the most powerful fighter in DBZ: Cell Saga!
And just like Gohon, he achieved it thought a mixture of blind rage and misery!
1729795 And how much of Canterlot? And not Twilight?
Seriosuly, banging siblings is like the economy version of banging flexible, possibly underage, D-cupped, virgin, Japanese schoolgirl twins: how could Cadence say no?
1729795 I'm liking this idea! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png
That's how you know he is related to Twilight.
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSCIUUMndLzIWAlHEMEa4ueFMvInG7GWY8MHn1Rp3nQrtPQeCv-hd6wCejI-w
Super Sayien Shining is best pony.
1729795
Godhood as an STD.
.
.
.
ALL MY YES! //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
1780956
The difference is cosmetic. Believe me, if you've owned a cat, you'll know that they are pretty sure that they're divine in nature.
1725400
This is what she looks like: encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbPrzlC2YSuPP3ljJqKOS4T8AcNzQ6rbO77V-IqDaR8-7g3FOI
But with Pink hair, of course.
1726206 No.
My reactions through the scene with DT:
1834286 that was probably my favorite cold opening
1833964
A. Gentlemen
B. What I wrote when I was under the effects of lack of sleep (still got that!), caffiene, and adhd, creating a state as close to drunk as I'm willing to ever get, causing a slightly more vehement reaction than normal. However, I also tend to react violently to things like the yesyesyes twilight pic you had (you gotta admit, it looks kinda retarded, with her damn muzzle almost falling off, her jaw being non-existent, and her legs bent really fucking weirdly), all of the Rarity emotes, and these sorts of things.
aaawwww man! don't kill HIM off! kill off Tydal!
Tydal: hey!
-oh crap! i'll be back if i survive.
SOMEPONY GET ME MY SPEAR!!!!!!!
"Too bad," Misty said, before launching the rich snob into outer orbit. "Enjoy the fall back down, bitch!"
Not a refference, but still made me laugh.
I am a long time listener, first time caller."
Chatterbox, gta3 refference?
"I knew it! We're surrounded by Assholes!" Tydal declared.
LOL @ 5am. still, I'm home alone.
Wow,” Luna murmured. “That escalated quickly.”
Erhmagherd!!! burgundy refference!
The part with Diamond made me laugh so hard but my favoitire part is this: "You are the only one in character, Shining Armor," Stickin said with a smug smile. "You suck normally and you SUCK now." I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!
