"And so it came to pass that the God Squad completed their mission, though not in the matter that any had expected. For Luna, Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor had believed they were heading for an epic battle between themselves and the changelings... yet in the end the battle was little more than Tydal giving a spanking to their 'long lost' sister, the goddess of drama, Chrysalis. Lord Tydal explained that Chrysalis had not meant to harm any of them during her attempt to create ChangelingHive: Equestria, and after many hours of debate and some hot coco, got all sides to agree, begrudgingly, to let bygones be bygones.
"After spending several days at the hive, riding the rides and watching Chrysalis perform her one changeling show ‘The Thorax Monologues’, the fivesome bid Chrysalis and the changelings goodbye and made their way home. Unlike their trip to the hive, this one offered little adventure and, after two weeks, they arrived on the shores of Equestria.
"Some might say that their journey was over... but those ponies would be wrong.... the squad had a lot of livin’ to do, and as I always say to white folks when they seek folksie advice… ya either get busy livin’ or get-"
"Who the hay are you?"
"My name is Morgan Freeman... who are you?"
"I am Plot Dump, the narrator, and you are stealing my job. Leave this story at once!"
"Alright then, no need to be pushy. I'll just go stop Kevin Spacey with the help of Brad Pitt. Oh, hi Cate!”
“Hello Morgan. And hello, strange talking pony… I am Cate Blanchett… I was told there was a narrator’s job that needed filling?”
The God Squad
Episode 36: There and Back Again
"Canterlot... it is a sight for sore eyes."
Luna rolled her eyes (which were not sore in the slightest). "I honestly don’t see what is so great about it. It is a big castle on the side of a mountain... it looks like a huge zit. A zit on the face of Mt. Equestria."
"It is grand and beautiful," Celestia argued.
Luna huffed. "I don't see why we can't move back to our old castle."
"You mean the one in the middle of the evil forest that we half destroyed trying to catch that ghost and whose other half was destroyed when you were all dark and evil?" Shining used his magic to wipe his brow. Truth be told, he was glad to be home and to put all their adventures behind him. He had only gone along in the first place because he feared what would happen to the princesses (and Cadence had forced him to go) and now that they were nearing the end he finally felt his stress levels returning to normal.
"Captain Armor?"
"Yes Princess Luna?"
"Shut up."
Cadence happily skipped along the trail leading up into the city. "I can't wait to get back and get settled! I am going to get a tofu burger at McDonalds, then I am going to check out the book store to see if the new Daring Do is in, then I will visit Ye Olde Sex Toy Shoppe..."
Celestia leaned towards her sister as Cadence happily babbled on about what flavor of edible panties she would buy. "We need to get her to Dr. Nick 'n Cut and get her back on her medications." Luna nodded in agreement.
Tydal, his gift bags from the Changeling Hive slung on his back, stared at Canterlot like a condemned pony heading to the gallows. "Couldn't we just skip the boring city full of boring rich ponies? Please? It can be my birthday present. You girls owe me about 1,500 of them, so you might as well start now."
"It won't be that bad," Celestia said, trying to soothe him. “We are still trying to get ponies use to the capricorns returning and having you in Canterlot is helping them see you aren’t that bad.”
“Well, except for all the noble ponies you keep injuring,” Shining commented.
“It isn’t that bad though,” Celestia said. “Maybe you’ll enjoy it this time!”
"I'd rather skin myself and roll around in a pit of salt then put up with another one of your parties full of brown-nosing kissflanks!" Tydal's tail swished in agitations. "I swear, if I see one snobby pony I am going to slit his-"
"Permission denied," Shining stated calmly.
"AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!" Tydal roared, taking his anger out on a tree (luckily, that tree was an escaped pedophile which had inappropriately touched several acorns, so he did the world a favor). "I hate this city and I hate that castle and I hate that-" Tydal tilted his head in confusion, "-statue of a lazy eye pegasus sitting on a bed of skulls?"
The others blinked, finally noticing the giant statue of Derpy, the Dark Queen of Evil.
"Huh... that's new," Luna said.
~4 Days and One Not-So-Epic-So-We-Are-Skipping-It Adventure Later...~
Everything was back to normal.
Well, as normal as things were in a land full of talking ponies, water-bending capricorns, and seminar-teaching minotaurs.
Derpy had happily handed over the throne and the crown to ‘Granny Tia’ and left with Mary Sue (who had received plenty of hugs from Tydal, who was a tad over-protective of his fellow OC). Blueblood had been commuted to an asylum for a few weeks, and Angel Bunny had disappeared when it was clear that killing Blueblood would actually make life easier for him. Princess Celestia had settled back into her daily duty, Luna continued her research in her lab, Shining Armor took command of the guard again, Tydal (to his annoyance) was back on his ‘goodwill tour’, and Cadence had been to the doctor and gotten her meds doubled.
Yes, things were back to normal… so the appearance of the Crystal Empire threw a wrench into things.
“So… we are sure this isn’t a trick, right?”
Celestia sighed for what felt like the fifteenth time. “Yes, Shining Armor, it isn’t a trick.”
“You are sure, right?” Shining asked. “I mean, it seems a little weird and I don’t want to end up dead or something because you thought this was really the Crystal Empire and instead it was one big trap designed to kill ponies-“
“SHE SAID IT WASN’T A TRAP!” Luna roared.
Shining blinked. “Uh… ok, fine. Sorry.”
“Ignore her,” Celestia said gently. “It is her time of the month.”
“I thought ponies had one time out of the year,” Shining stated.
"Huh?"
Shining blushed. "You know... they go into heat once a year..."
“Where did you hear that?” Celestia said in confusion.
“Sex ed class.”
“I really need to update their text books,” Celestia complained as Luna grabbed a gallon of ice cream and ate it while crying. “Anyhoo… so we now have a bunch of Crystal Ponies that need to be dealt with and I want you two to do the job.”
“Of course, Princess,” Cadence said.
“…really?” Shining asked, staring at his wife. “No other comment?”
“What do you mean?” Cadence asked.
“I mean… no question about if it is a blow job or a hoof job? No saying you prefer threesomes to twosomes? No jokes about being able to bang a new race?”
“Why would I say that?” Cadence said, confused.
Shining just stared at her before shrugging. “Alright, I guess…” Cadence took out a bottle and popped a few more pills. “Princess, we would be honored to help the Crystal Ponies.”
“Thank you, Shining Armor. I also plan to send Twilight Sparkle and her friends to help you.”
Cadence frowned. “Princess… why do you always send Shining’s sister to do things instead of doing them yourself?”
“BECAUSE WE RULE AND YOU SUCK!” Luna screamed, chucking her ice cream at Cadence’s head. “Oh… oh no… my ice cream!” Luna sobbed.
Celestia grabbed another bucket of the frozen dessert and thrust it into her sister’s forelegs. “Well, normally it is because I have a convoluted plan that involves using her like a pawn on giant chess board. But when it comes to the Crystal Empire, we have a very good reason… we are sort-of… kind of… banned… for life.”
“Why?” Shining asked.
“Well, the Crystal Ponies respond to emotions and… we were raising by Tydal, so…”
~Many, Many, Many years ago…~
There was a peaceful empire called Crystal… where shiny ponies lived in harmony… their coat sparkled like diamonds… it wasn’t at all gaudy, you see…
“AAAAARRRGG!” Tydal roared, Crystal Ponies running in a panic as the sea god let out war cries. They scurried as he chased after them, foaming at the mouth and eyes blazing with fury.
And all at once the trouble started… a violent menace from the sea… like a swarm of locust he descended… his goal to make the ponies flee!
“Again, again!” a filly Celestia cheered, her baby sister babbling in delight as Tydal reared up, preparing to scare another pony.
“AAARRRRGGGGG!” Tydal bellowed, sticking his tongue out and wiggling his ears. Luna, who was perched on his back, squealed and wiggled in delight, her diapered bottom bouncing up and down.
“Yay!”Celestia exclaimed, trotting around Tydal’s hooves as she watched the Crystal Ponies flee in terror.
~The Present, The Next Day…~
Tydal was bored.
He had ditched the ‘good will’ tour he’d been forced upon; he hadn’t minded visiting the orphanage (giving the director a large chest of gold and promising more… kids were always his weakness) or the farmer’s market (though some of the ponies had reacted badly when he ate a chicken... feathers and all), but when they had reached a cocktail luncheon with Jet Set and Upper Crust he had quickly made a snide remake and leapt into a fountain, using the water to teleport back to the castle.
The problem was that there was no one to hang around with. Shining and Cadence had already left to go to the Crystal Empire (which Celestia had forbidden him to go near… much to his frustration; she knew he could care less about being banned and didn't want him 'scaring those poor, hockey loving, Bryan Adams listening, beer guzzling Crystal Ponies'). Speaking of the sun princess, she had been busy plotting something involving Twilight Sparkle. He’d normally go have fun with Luna but for some reason she had snapped at him and told him to leave her alone, calling him every dirty name in the book when he didn't answer quick enough if her crown made her look fat. The capricorn king had sadly left with his tail between his legs before teleporting away (missing Luna’s crestfallen look and rush to find him and tearfully apologize) before he’d made his way north out of Canterlot, deciding to explore the country and see how it had changed after 1,500 years.
Of course, gazing upon this new world only made him feel old. He looked upon cities and remembered the forests that use to be there. He stared at mighty rivers and watched, depressed, as gambling river boats (boat for gambling and not boats THAT gambled) tugged by. Life had passed him by and he was coming to the sad conclusion that, other than his subjects, everyone had built a life without him. Celestia and Luna were rulers now… fine ones, yes… but they didn’t really need him anymore. The trip had been fun but it was clear that the novelty of having their big brother back was gone and Celestia and Luna saw him only as a bother.
And how long till his own daughters and wife felt the same way? Coral and Misty would one day marry and have families of their own (assuming they ever got tired of mooching off of him)… and Merida, his beloved wife, she already did so much without him… half the reason he was on this stupid trip to Canterlot was because she had told him to leave so she could work on important things… every pony was kicking him away…
~Meanwhile, in Tydal’s Keep~
“Why did we kick daddy out again?” Coral asked.
“Because you know he gets sick when he smells paint fumes and I want to surprise him by redoing our bedroom!” Merida said happily as she and the girls set to work. "He is going to be so excited when he sees this!"
~MC~MC~MC~
“Graba grog ah!”
Tydal blinked, staring at the strange creature before him. He hadn’t even realized that he wasn’t alone, so lost he was in his depression, until he had almost run into the strange being. The weird animal had a long red horn on its head, wore funny armor, and growled like it had gargled rocks.
“Grabag!” the beast (otherwise known as King Sombra, the dark king of the Crystal Ponies) shouted at him.
“Aw, isn’t that cute, you think you’re sentient!’
“Gragoo gra ga!” Sombra shouted, firing a blast of magic at the capricorn king.
“Are you trying to kill me?” Tydal said, as if he were talking to a baby. “Yes you were, yes you were!” Sombra raced at him but Tydal merely laughed and picked up the smaller being. “You are a funny looking doggy… hmmm, no collar… you have an owner? Do you boy?” Sombra grunted something and Tydal patted his head. “You want to be my pet, buddy? I always wanted to have a dog… well, I have a dogfish, but not a dog.”
“Gragoo!” Sombra yelled.
“Come on,” Tydal cooed. “We can go to the park and play and then commit bloodshed!”
“Gra?” Sombra questioned, interest piqued.
“That’s right… we’ll murder ponies and dance in their blood! It will be so much fun!”
“Grahga grup!” Sombra said happily, nodding his head and trotting along with Tydal as they continued north.
“I’m gonna call ya Wiggles!” Tydal told his new doggie.
Poor King Sombra... he is getting more characterization being Tydal's doggie than the show ever gave him.
This begins the final arc of The God Squad: Season One. We are going to cover some major plot points in FiM Season 3 and find out what Tydal, Luna, Celestia, Shining and Cadence were doing. This also will explain why the characters acted the way they did... now we know where Tydal was, why Luna was so grumpy, why Cadence wasn't asking the Mane 6 to have an orgy, and why Shining was so tired. Oh, and we will find out what REALLY happened when Sombra attacked the Empire.
EDIT: And I just realized we've gone this many chapters and I have yet to mention how to pronounce Tydal's name. It isn't Ti-dal, like I am sure most think it is. His name is pronounced Tie-del.
What is Celestia scheming for poor Twilight?
Buwhahahahaha, this chapter just had me laughing far too much. I fear I am using the last of my oxygen to write this.
Anyways I love King Sombra being unable to talk, my favourite 'meme' about him, since lets face it the show would probably give him full lines if he had about 30 seconds worth of screen time himself.
And medicated Cadance seems like fun.
And the Royal Sisters, they are still great.
So want to see more. Give me more. MOAR!
2143271Seriously? I always thought is was pronounced Ty-dal, you know, like a Tidal Wave
2143357
Right, which is why I pronounce it Tie-del... Tidal just doesn't feel right for him, and I like the slight latin accent the name takes on when pronounced like that.
Of course, feel free to continue reading it as Tidal
how can tydra think a pony like sombra is a dog? im not going to ask never mind
You don't know how much I wish Tydal was canon...
Admittedly he would probably be toned down a touch... War god of the sea not really in keeping with the show's ideal, unless he were a villain.
2143327 Medicated Cadence = Medicadence.
this is the best Sombra yet
2143377 I know, it would be frickin' awesome
2143377
But then he wouldn't be a good OC, just some boring not OC.
2143379
Cadicated? Medenated? Cadicatence?
King Sombrero as a pup?
...I like this idea
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3048-AllMyBits.gif
dang, i always liked how cadence was Nymphomatic...
hmmm...
if you need me, i'll be impersonating her phycyatrist and getting her off the medication. Or, spiking her Medication with Viraga, Whichever comes first.
Really cracked up at that part
Sombra the dog.... just odd but should be interesting. I actual miss the crazier Cadance, the medicated one is too calm for this story.
2143271 WHY Would you spell it with an a if it's supposed to be an e sound?
Cadence on medication? Well that explains it.
2143297
To turn her into an alicorn of course
2143271
Your too late man, my headcanon is already formed xD, But Nice chapter, will you make a new story for S2 or just simply continiue posting in this one?
2143544
Why do we put a K in front of Knife if it is pronounced Nife?
2143588
I plan to ask the readers what they would prefer, but I am thinking of doing it as a new story, so you can read a complete season from start to finish.
2143692
You know what I'd like to see? A side story of Tydal trying to find a new rival nation for his kingdom to wage war with.
2143692 Yeah I think another story would be more easier, It's a bit sad we don't have slut cadence anymore though xD
Wiggles, formerly known as King Sombra, Dark Lord of the Crystal Empire
I bucking died when Tydal met Sombra, that's funny as shit! Ah, you are a fucking God when it comes to humor bro, this is amzing. I loved it, can't wait for the second one. Poor Luna and damn, I loved it when Derpy was ruler, she will always be Dark Queen in my mind
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/326/9/3/doggy_sombra__by_incinerater-d5lukr7.png
Found this AFTER I wrote the chapter... seems I wasn't the only one to have this idea...
Oh man, Cadence is back on her meds?! I'm gonna miss the insane nympho Cadence!
Though reading some of the comments, it seems I'm not the only one!
2143485 Allow me to join you in your evil plot! Actually, I might do better sneaking into Cadence's bedroom and replacing the pills with aphrodisiacs at night than impersonating her doctor or whatever you said; I make a better burglar than an actor TBH.
2144566K.
i used an entire comment box to say 'k', and comment about it. ha
2143271
I can't believe it's taken you this many chapters, plus all the chapters in the other stories he's a part of, to tell us that. at this point the head cannon is so stuck on it being Ti-dal that youd need a brain washing device to get people to start calling him Tie-del.
Oh crap, Sombra the dog meets Tydal... This can only end well!
2143412 What do you mean? Of course he'd still be an Oceanic Creature.
Wait what? She kidnapped Cadence and gave her ptsd, she mind raped shining, attacked Celestia and led a full on invasion. Thats a lot to forgive.
Good chapter, though I'd have liked more wrapping up the Changeling plot I understand you're anxious to move on to the next season.
2144566
I actually like the change to Cadence. The Nymphomania is funny but predictable and makes her a one dimensional character. Its also dark when you remember its a result of serious trauma. I quite like the idea of seeing sane responsible Cadence being badass for a bit. Also nice to see a plot where medication is actually effective for once.
GOD SQUAD SEASON 2!
2143570
Can't wait to see Luna's reaction.
2146220
Well Chrysalis is the Goddes of Drama.
2146220 I see your point, but I actually kinda liked the PTSD bit. To me, it gave her insanity and nymphomania a more serious, sad angle, thus making it more interesting and enjoyable than it would've otherwise been, if that makes sense. Though thinking about it, at the same time it means that if Cadence is recovering, that's a good thing and we should be happy for her. But I don't know, Cadence's insanity and nymphomania were perhaps the most enjoyable parts of this series, least to me they were. Every new chapter I was looking forward to what crazy, perverted things would come out of (or enter, heh heh) her mouth.
If you don't come up with some of the funniest stuff for Sombra, I'm going to be very disappointed...
Hmmm, so Chrysalis is the goddess of drama, huh? That just made me imagine that if "Friendship is Dragons" and "One Piece: Grand Line 3.5" do another crossover, they could do an arc where they try to get DM (former Killer Game Master supreme) to play a character who fits the setting, so she comes up with pretty pink princess Cadance, only to have her turn out to be a shapeshifting bug monster that drains the love from her victims... to the surprise of absolutely no one in the GL3.5 group, but just imagine the reactions of the FiD group.
Was I the only one that caught the Family Guy reference there? There was a peaceful empire called Crystal… where shiny ponies lived in harmony… their coat sparkled like diamonds… it wasn’t at all gaudy, you see… And all at once the trouble started… a violent menace from the sea… like a swarm of locust he descended… his goal to make the ponies flee!
There was a peaceful town called Quahog
Where people lived in harmony
They never had no kind of trouble
There was no hint of misery
Then all at once the trouble started
A pack of murderers and thieves
Like swarms of locusts they descended
Their aim to make the townfolk bleed
Just curious
2154245
Actually, Family Guy and I are both referencing the same thing: Blazing Saddles, one of the best spoofs ever.
2154315 Oh my it's been a while since I've seen that movie...I must've forgot, considering I saw that episode of FG today
So, the crystal ponies are Canadian, eh?
Makes sense. The world is safe if the Candians are happy.
I've enjoyed this fic thus far and I hope you keep up the good work.
2154315
I will say that Blazing Saddles is hilarious, but no Spaceballs?
2146220 Agree with you on the second count. As for the first, keep in mind we are talking about Tydal. He is utterly loyal to his family, but that normally laudable virtue seems to warp his judgement tremendously.
Troll.
Indeed.
Riight.
Ah.
Methinks this won't end well.
2143271
I always pronounced it Tie-dal, as in a tidal wave if that helps.
Nice Shanking of the Shaw redemption reference Red.
Who's a good Tyrant, you are, why yes you are!