Zoinks
"I can't wait for ya ta meet my family!" Applebloom said happily, leading her new friend towards her house. She was practically cantering along the road, humming happily to herself. "I know they are going to love you!"
"Of course they will," Bland Bloodsucker said dully, his pasty white flank sparkling in the sunlight. His eyes, which were glazed over like he'd one too many hits to the head, stared forward. The only thing that had any sense of life was his poofy brown mane (which had way too much hair gel in it, the tosser). "I just hope they are serving the food I requested."
"Blood pudding, as requested!" Applebloom said happily. "So, you're from Trottingham, right?"
"Yes... Trottingham," Bland said, staring at Applebloom's neck intently (or, atleast, intently for him… rocks had harder stares than Bland… and better personalities).
"Well, here we are!" Applebloom proclaimed in glee, opening the door to the farmhouse. "Come on in."
Bland stepped over the threshold, his fangs itching for some delicious crimson blood. And he got it... courtesy of Applejack bucking him right in the mouth.
"Applebloom, lock the door!" AJ stated coolly, her lasso already tightening around Bland's legs, the pale pony twitching as he lay on the hardwood.
"Got it, sis!" Applebloom said, her mood going from happy to stone-cold in a flash. She hurried to the door, locking it up tight before trotting over the Bland and kicking him in the flank and leaving a dent in his cutie mark (it too was boring… it was a circle… nothing fancy, just a circle).
"So..." Bland coughed, eyes glowing red, "you figured out I am a vampire."
"First off, ya ain’t a vampire. Don’t know of a vamp that glitters in the sun like a fairy. I don’t know what ya are but even if ya were a bloodsucker I wouldn’t rightly care," Applejack said simply.
“You wouldn’t?” Bland said in surprise.
“Boy, this be Ponyville! One of my best friends is a witch with a dragon familiar! We gots a Time Lord married to our mailmare! I’m pretty sure Colgate is buildin’ one of them Frankenstein monsters in her basement.”
“Fraunc-en-steen!” Applebloom complained. “It’s pronounced Fraunc-en-steen!”
"Shoot, Granny Smith's been a werewolf for 30 years... supernatural don't bother us."
"Dang right!" Granny Smith said from her chair before promptly falling asleep.
"Then... then why are you attacking me?" Bland whined (and even his whine was boring!).
"Cuss you're a-hundred years old and Bloom is a minor. We don't take to kindly to perverts round in these parts. When they do show up, we like to play a little game called ‘Perv Ball’. It be like hoofball only we use your head as the ball." Applejack stepped aside, revealing a giant red stallion right behind her, the earth pony putting on a pair of spiked horseshoes. "Ain't that right, big brother?"
"Eeyup!" Mac said, rearing back.
WHAM!
The God Squad
Episode 8: Zoinks
"So, what do you think we should do?" Celestia asked, wandering around her old home. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad looking (back then they hadn't been able to afford any maids so the dirt and cobwebs had been there even before they had abandoned it). A touch of paint and it would be rather nice. Oh, she wouldn’t trade the castle for anything… but perhaps it would be nice to have a little summer home for her to get away from the court and do her jazzercise.
"If it is a solution that we must woo..." Zecora paused, pulling out a rhyming dictionary from her mane and leafing through it, muttering to herself before she finally found the page she was looking for, "...then we must search out a clue!" She nodded happily and stuffed the book back into her mane (Pinkie Pie had taught her such a trick at the Ponyville Community Center).
Celestia walked over towards the throne. "Let's see..." Her horn glowed and she began to toss out an assortment of objects that had been hidden behind the throne: a bloody horseshoe (if the shoe don't fit, you must aquit), a jar full of ears, a book entitled 'If I Was Guilty, Here's How I Would Do It' and a map with spots marked on it that were labeled 'Best Places to Hide a Body'. "Well, we are searching for a ghost, and ghosts wouldn't need any of this since they are ectoplasm."
"All that evidence is truly a con," Zecora pulled out a bottle of rum she'd hidden in her mane, "so let's sit down and get our drink on."
"I like the way you think, little niece," Celestia said, popping the cork and taking a swig. “So, how is Aslan doing?”
“Mother still finds him first rate, last I heard they were on a 3rd date.”
~MC~MC~MC~
"So... how is married life?" Tydal asked as he and Shining walked down Luna's old wing of the castle. The capricorn, having reached his quota of Shining insults for the hour, decided it was time for some small talk.
"Pretty good... we're still in the honeymoon phase,” Shining stated, glancing at a suit of armor.
"Meh, I always hated that term... makes it sound like your wife will turn into a shrew after a few months. Everyone knows that only happens to the monkeys of Howler Island." Tydal poked his head into a room but only found it full of anime magazines. "You know, you'd think after a 1,500 years the author of One Piece would be closer to finishing his story..." Tydal muttered, remembering when the first issue had come out.
"You know, I always forget you are married," Shining said, examining a portrait of Celestia ('why do they keep painting her with pink hair?'). "Any advice?"
Tydal smiled. "Merida and I make sure to keep things fresh and new."
"This isn't going to be sexual, is it?" Shining asked. When Tydal raised an eyebrow the unicorn shrugged, blushing slightly. "Sorry... Cadence kinda rubs off on me..."
"Of course," Tydal said with a smirk. "No Shining, not sexual. We do little things... take vacations, visit new restaurants, try out new ways to murder our enemies, pick a new hobby… this year we are collecting interesting leaves."
"Right... I forgot Queen Merida is a capricorn too... of course she would like violence."
"She wasn't always, you know," Tydal stated.
“Wasn’t always what?”
“A capricorn.”
"Really?" Shining said in surprise. "I always assumed..."
Tydal shook his head, the two of them hanging a left and entering the royal kitchen. The space, where once the greatest of Equestrian chefs had crafted the finest meals, was in total disrepair. "It was all the talk back in the day; I was returning from a meeting with the Dragons of the Diamond Shores-“
“And by that you mean you were violently attacking them.”
“Pretty much. Anyway, I was about a 6 hours swim away from my Keep when I was caught in a vortex. When I awoke I was in a strange world and my body changed into a strange new form.”
"And what was that?" Shining said, opening a cupboard and finding nothing but dust (in cans, of course, labeled ‘Auntie Dirt’s Old Fashioned Dust: Now with grit!’).
"The natives of that world called themselves 'humans'. They had no weapons and had to make their own... not my bowl of ale but they do have their uses. One has to admire a species that can rise to be the only dominate force on their world." Tydal smirked. “And they were very creative when it came to killing.”
Finding nothing, the two of them made their way back out into the hall. "I traveled their lands for nearly a week before I ran into a fierce princess."
“Love at first sight?” Shining asked.
“She tried to shoot an arrow through my throat.”
“Charming,” Shining muttered, not all that surprised that, for a capricorn, love would come from near death (‘near’ being the key word; back before their stone sleep it had been known that never had one capricorn killed another… mainly because there were too many other things to brutally slaughter).
“Indeed. I deserved it, of course. I was trying to steal her coin bag. Plus I was naked and in the human world that is frowned upon.” Tydal began to laugh as he remembered his future wife, then a barely a woman of 20, screaming and cursing as a naked 6’2” man came running at her trying to steal her money. “Now that was a fight… if only you could have seen it, Shining…”
“No thanks,” Shining stated.
“Your loss.” The sea god smiled fondly as he remembered his courtship of the proud and tough woman. "We fought and screamed and loved and screamed some more. In the end, when my older sister and brother, The Lady of Zebrica and the Great Griffon, found a way to return me to this world my Merida came with me. I returned to my capricorn form and my Merida was also blessed to become one of my kind. I took my beloved to my Mother, who granted her the gift of immortality and made her the goddess of the sea floor, with all the powers and abilities that are granted to a capricorn deity." Tydal, even in that dark and spooky place, couldn’t help but smile as the memories flowed over him. “Coral and Misty were born a few years later… it would take another 200 years before Celestia and Luna were plopped on my doorstep and my 5 jewels were all under the protection of my keep…”
Shining blinked in surprise. "The Creator can do that? Make a mortal immortal?"
"Indeed. I was going to suggest such a thing to you, Shining, once we finished this quest for the changelings. It has been a while since Mother and I chatted and I would not mind in the slightest taking you to see her and getting you your wings."
The captain was surprised by that and his face clearly showed it. "I would have thought you'd want to see me die." Actually, Shining had thought that Tydal would smother him with a pillow (which is why he’d had all pillows chained to the mattresses).
"You might annoy me, Shining Armor, but you are now family. I have only truly attempted to kill one of my relations... and Discord brought that on himself." Tydal’s mood darkened as he thought of his eldest brother and the pain the draconequus had caused. Realizing that he was grinding his teeth together in frustration, the lord of the Mareatine shook himself free of his anger. "Besides, my Mother tended to make more sisters for me than brothers... when I find a bit of testosterone I refuse to let it slip away."
"Wow... thanks," Shining said softly.
"You're welcome and by the way the Headless Horse has been following us for 5 minutes."
"WHAT?!?!" Shining turned around and nearly leapt 5 feet in the air when he realized that the Headless Horse was indeed right behind them. The ghost appeared solid enough and Shining wouldn't have thought much of the pony if it weren't for his lack of a head and the green glow that seemed to surround his pale emerald hide.
"Hello Bob!" Tydal said cheerfully, tail wagging like a happy puppy as he took a step towards the moaning specter. "I'm going chop you up again. Terribly sorry if that is a bother."
Shining grabbed Tydal with his magic and began to drag the oceanic king away from phantom. "We need to go, now!"
"But I want to fight him!" Tydal complained.
"It's a ghost! You can't fight a ghost!"
"Says you! Let me at 'im! Let me at 'im!" Tydal struggled against Shining's grip. "Tadadadada! Tydal Power!"
"No! No Tydal Power!" Shining snapped, managing to drag the sea god back into the kitchen and lock the door before the Headless Horse could step in. The phantom let out a wailing scream and began to chase them.
"...I hope my mother makes you the god of erectile dysfunction!"
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Sometimes I like to play against expectations. I have Tydal and Shining together... they are going to bicker and fight and get into hilarious situations, right?
No... they have a conversation about being married and what it is like, as well as a bit more about Tydal and his backstory.
Then, just as you are settled in for that, I veer left and have the headless horse show up and Tydal is suddenly scrappy doo.
If it's a ghost couldn't just walk through the door
"...I hope my mother makes you the god of erectile dysfunction!"
*shudders…*
Scooby Doo references. Scooby Doo references everywhere!
And I like that.
Ah. As I suspected. As well as being an OC, Tydal is a Scrappy
So, you've just written in a Brave crossover. Are there any more film or TV crossovers you want to work in? Is spike the distant descendant of Toothless of Berk? Was "Mother" actually Sailor Cosmos?
Oh GOD yes
Scrappy Power! God, that kid/pup was annoying. He was like RD, except he literally had absolutely nothing going for him. At least Dash is the first to pull off a Sonic Rainboom, and is an Element.
Ah well. On the chapter itself, it was nice.
LOVING all the allusions here! I was wondering earlier about the name "Merida"... and then you flat-out hit us with that little tidbit. "Zoinks" is right!
Also, there's one teensy typo- not just in this chapter, but in the story description. It's not "a 1000" or "a 1,500". It's either "1000", "a thousand", or "one thousand".
This is awesomeness!
Now then, to be serious...
If you ever put this on hiatus or cancel it I will find you and inject flecks of rusty metal of varying sizes into your bloodstream and watch you die of tetanus as you writhe in agony.
(Just kidding. The remark on the creativity of human killing made me come up with that. Though I will be very displeased if you put this on hiatus or cancel it.)
an adventure fic involving the royal celestial sisters? awesome...... however, what deters me away is this: You made Celestia into a jerk in this, (or as i assume since this is clearly a Luna favoring fic), and i am not fond of the portrails on Candence. I am not very fond of Anti-Celestiaisum, and that there was a god squad fic would've been cool, if it were done like this:
Celestia: The calm, collected leader.
Luna: Co-leader.
Candence: The romantic type.
Shining Armor: (You got that one right).
this fic would've been a fave if it wasn't for the possability of Celestia being obnoxious in this, and such things is NOT in her nature. otherwise, i could've given this a look, even fav. sorry, i am not fond of making Celestia look like a tool.
1527544>>1527542>>1527397
I AGREE WITH ALL OF YOU. THIS CHAPTER KICKS RECTUM.
...eeyup.
1527723
I prefer replacing insulin with dr. pepper or hooking up an IV with minute flecks of sodium in it.
I like that bit at the beginning with Bland Bloodsucker. If only that's how the Twilight series was written that way...
The bit with the Apples kind of stole the show for me but I enjoyed the chapter over all. Keep being hilarious.
1527770
Yeah. Of course there's also the classic air bubble.
1527955
nah, that's too quick, leads to a heart attack almost immediately. the sodium causes their blood to boil :3
Oh god Tydal is scrappy...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
The twilight part was great as was Tydal as scrappy doo
1527743
Try reading it. You might be surprised. Pro-Luna doesn't mean anti-Celestia, either. Personally, I think all of them are somewhat flawed. (And keep in mind that these interpretations started in another fic; reading that might give you an idea of the kind of world it's taking place in.)
And if Tydal is Scrappy, what's that make the rest of them? We already have Shining Snacks..
1528432
Yes, they do. That's the joke.
1528578
Luna is Fred (the leader and always coming up with crazy plans that don't work)
Celestia here is Daphne (the most attractive of them)
Cadence is Velma (as well be seen soon enough...)
Shining is Scooby (Shining Snacks)
Zecora is Shaggy only because that is the only role left...
and Tydal is Scrappy.
1528593
Does this mean you ship Velma and Scooby? Iiiiinteresting ...
The opening was great, and Tydal as Scrappy, interesting hope to see this play out some more. Interesting story on how Tydal met his wife though it`s not surprising that it involves violence of some sort.
1528618 Are you crazy he doesn't necessarily ship them just because Shining Armor and Cadence represent them in this fic.
That was... unexpectedly touching between Tydal and Shining.
The opening bit with the Apples was great, I love the description of Twilight as a witch with a dragon familiar.
1529273
'.
I'm enjoying the fic, so I can't really say with a straight face that I'm sane, but the comment there was more just joking around. Hence the '
1529273
'.
I'm enjoying the fic, so I can't really say with a straight face that I'm sane, but the comment there was more just joking around. Hence the '
1528593
Should probably point out that Shaggy was known to eat Scooby snacks too, but yeah, the snacks being called SHINING snacks does kinda hammer in the Scooby roll for Shiney.
Ack! Books are not entitled... they're titled. Being "entitled" means you're deserving of something, not that you're called something. (Sorry, I normally hate being the guy who nitpicks grammar, but the misuse of the word "entitled" is a pet peeve and drives me absolutely insane. I love your work though, so I'll spare you my full insane rant...)
OK, grammar freak-out over.
Yet another awesome chapter. I had to read the introduction a second time before I could go on; it just completely made my day. Poor Tydal being associated with Scrappy Doo, though... At least Tydal brings something to the table, whereas Scrappy was just annoying.
Looking forward to Chapter 9!
>>>"I like the way you think, little niece," Celestia said, popping the cork and taking a swig. “So, how is Aslan doing?”
“Mother still finds him first rate, last I heard they were on a 3rd date.”>>>
Zebra goddess and giant lion... dats hot!
>>>"This isn't going to be sexual, is it?" Shining asked. When Tydal raised an eyebrow the unicorn shrugged, blushing slightly. "Sorry... Cadence kinda rubs off on me...">>>
I'll bet she does! Hint, hint, wink wink, nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more!
1527723 *Alondro smiles a sinister smile* Ho ho! A creative one with revenge! I like that! Though I would have gone with a tack coated with hepatitis C on a seat. Much longer duration of suffering, and no vaccine. Still, not bad! We can use one like you in the Army of Chaos...
1528983>>1529518
I wanted to play against what you would expect with those two and have Tydal and Shining have a nice, honest conversation. Tydal truly does care about Shining and see him as family, but he also enjoys mocking him.
Queen Merida and Lord Tydal have such an interesting love story, from their first meeting to how they rule. Tydal is utterly in love with her... he will never look at another. In "How Do You Shoot a Gun with Hooves" I added a small scene where Tydal, when he first approaches her, bows and declares her his queen... he humbles himself before her because of his love for her.
1530207>>1530031
Shining get's Scooby because he pulls the Scrappy away from danger.
"We'll, here we are!" Applebloom proclaimed in glee, opening the door to the farmhouse. "Come on it." Should be "Well" and "in."
"Yes... Trottingham," Bland said, staring at Applebloom's neck intently (or, atleast, intently for him… rocks had harder stares than Bland… and better personalities). Should be spaced: "at least".
It be like hoofball only we use you’re head as the ball.". Wrong form of you're... Instead of "it be", maybe you should go with "it's".
Plus I was naked and in human world that is frowned upon.” In "the human world", please.
"We fought and screamed and loved and screamed so more. Should be "screamed some more.
"Hello Bob!" Tydal said cheerfully; tail wagging like a happy puppy as he took a step towards the moaning specter. The semicolon should be a comma.
Sorry for nitpicking! I love this story so so much. Considering Amber Apple and How Do You Shoot a Gun With Hooves play into this, I should probably read them, because I've already read Scootaloo.
1534726
Don't apologize. Always glad to fix mistakes.
GOD DAMN, I LOVE THIS FIC!!!
This is the perfect blend of humor, violence, Scooby Doo, haert and charm.
The beginning made me laugh. "Ponyville: we love and tolerate anything and everything, except pedophiles." Yeah, you do realize that the Twilight series is just bad fan fiction that got published.
The other part I really enjoyed was Tydal not continuing to hate on Shining and then the capricorn finishes it by turning into Scrappy Doo.
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Words fail me.
“Fraunc-en-steen!” Applebloom complained. “It’s pronounced Fraunc-en-steen!”
I face palmed at the Young Frankenstein reference.
GOD OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!
I loved Scrappy, he was one of my favorites and I love the way Zecora thinks.
Ah.....got to love being a God
The Twilight shit had me laughing.
FACTUAL ERROR DETECTED!!
Shouldn't that be closer to at least hundred years or more, given that (in her youth) she was instrumental in the Founding of Ponieville, hundreds of years ago?; yet the werewolf idea would explain how she was able to live so long, assuming ponies normally don't live for hundreds of years. Also, it would make more logical sense if it was a Timberwolf that bit Granny in her youth, making her the weretimberwolf.
Great story so far; continuing to read.
why is he still alive?
That opening scene was the BEST. Seriously, it needs to be expanded upon; it could make an entire story of its own.
I love their no-nonsense attitude about weird things, just what those things DO.
Humans can be very creative when it comes to murder, can't they?
>>She nodded happily and stuffed the book back into her mane (Pinkie Pie had taught her such a trick at the Ponyville Community Center)<<
I need this lesson. I carry so much crap around.
>>"Meh, I always hated that term... makes it sound like your wife will turn into a shrew after a few months. Everyone knows that only happens to the monkeys of Howler Island." Tydal poked his head into a room but only found it full of anime magazines. "You know, you'd think after a 1,500 years the author of One Piece would be closer to finishing his story..." Tydal muttered, remembering when the first issue had come out.<<
Some authors.
As for that cold open, well, the only thing I can do is clap slowly and respectfully in awe of your skill.
The rest of the chapter is good, with Tydal and Shining stealing the show with heartwarming. A good chapter, but I've come to expect little else from you, Defender2.222 times 10 to the 3rd power.
Goddammit Nappa.
Oh tyey are GOOD.
Wait what?
Nice!
Wait what?
Heh,.
It's OK.
Oh?
What, really?
Oh yeah.
That'd be a yes.
Agreed.
Seriously? That's, actually pretty nice of him.
Good to see Discord's actions are taken seriously, despite this being mainly a comedy fic. And he does make a good point.
NO! WE DO NOT DO THAT TYDAL!
Oh god the implications.
Dunno, Shining strikes me more like the god of tossers.