Smokey and the Luna
Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire...
"I'll tell ya, sometimes I hate my name."
Clean Mug looked at his old friend, passing him another ice cold cider. While most of the crystal ponies were depressed, Clean Mug and a few of his friends had learned that alcohol could fix that right up (nothing cures depression like a depressant!). "Come on now, don't be like that. I think you have a great name!"
"Ha! You wouldn't think it so great if you had to live with all the confusion."
"I'll admit, it might lead to... some issues."
"Some issues?" the other stallion complained. "My name is Rim Job."
"Right... as in you create custom rims for chariots. Spinners, jeweled ones... they are some of the best in the empire." Rimmy gave Clean Mug a sour look. "Alright, so some perverts keep getting confused... I think you are making too big of a deal of it."
"Too big of a deal?!? I have minators calling me up wanting to know if I'll work the shaft! I try and explain that the only shaft I work is a drive shaft and the only lube I use is for the bearings but-"
"WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Clean Mug and Rimmy turned, staring at the shadowy figure that had entered the Prancing Human Tavern. Darkness seemed to cling to the stranger's form, save for the blood red horn on his head and his piercing green eyes (which were most likely that color because of contacts). They both stared at the newcomer before slowly turning away and continuing their conversation.
Needless to say, the newcomer was not happy as such disregard.
"How dare you turn your backs on me? Do you know who I am?"
"Unless you are the delivery man with my pretzels... no, I don't care," Clean Mug said.
"I am King Sombra!" the dark unicorn declared, stepping forward so they could see his blood red horn and mighty armor. His wicked eyes looked upon them, hungrily trying to suck in their souls. "I have returned to the Crystal Empire and-"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Uh... what are you doing?" Sombra said, staring at the two stallions, who were at that moment rolling on the bar floor, laughing it up.
"Look at you!" Clean Mug giggled. "You look like an anime villain!"
"No, no!" Rimmy exclaimed. "Power Rangers!"
Clean Mug blinked. "Who?"
"...sigh... the Super Sentai. Friggin' weaboo."
"Hey! You should be cowering before me!" Sombra exclaimed. "I am the lord of shadows! Master of darkness."
Clean Mug slowly rose back up and trotted back behind the bar (he'd laughed so hard he'd fallen over it) and began to inspect his glassware. "Listen, I am sure you thought it was cute to dress up in your little Halloween costume and try to play evil monster but this is Equestria, mate, and that just won't cut it."
Sombra gnashed his teeth together in frustration. "I am the dark king! Ruler of darkness-"
"Nightmare Moon, buddy." Rimmy got back on his stool. "Seriously, darkness is so two years ago. I mean, it got surpassed by eternal sunshine and even that is cliche now."
"Then there was eternal twilight but that just led to sparkly vampires."
The dark king took a step forward, his horn glowing like a roman candle. "I tell you this: if you do not before me I will bring chaos to these lands-"
"Discord."
"No, chaos."
Rimmy shook his head. "No, I mean Discord. As in the spirit of disorder and the god of chaos. The elements of harmony beat him a year ago."
"Now there was an interesting looking villain," Clean Mug said.
"Wait, how do you know all this if the Crystal Empire was gone for a thousand years?" Sombra asked.
"I'm pen pals with The Doctor," Clean Mug said.
"Oh." Sombra considered his options. "What if I brainwash all of you and feed-"
"Chrysalis."
"Son of a wolf!" Sombra exclaimed.
"Listen, I am trying to run a bar here... if you aren't going to get anything to drink..."
Sombra walked over and pulled out some bits. "Oh, sorry! Here, I'll take a mug of cider... and get one for you and your friend."
"Thanks!" Rimmy said.
Sombra nodded, taking out his Notebook of Evil (patent pending). "Let's see... what if I create a great cloud that covers the sun and-"
"Dragon did it and the Element of Harmony mare-slapped him out of the country."
"Shoot." Sombra began to hoof through his notes. "Uh... what if I kidnap a pony and make her look for jewels-" He saw the looks the two stallions were givin him and the king frowned. "Right... oh! I have it! I'll frame a beloved TV clown! I'll rob a Quik-E-Mart dressed as him-"
"Simpsons did it."
"AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"
The God Squad
Episode 14: Smokey and the Luna
"So... we are just going to abandon the town, right?" Luna asked her sister. The two of them were hitched to the wagon, pulling it along the desert. Tydal was lying huddled under a blanket in the bed of the wagon, panting as the sun beat down on him. Every other pony was walking near by, doing little better than the capricorn in the heat.
"Of course not... we have to help them!" Celestia said.
"Why?" Luna asked.
"Because we are good, divine rulers."
"...pull the other one."
"Ok, fine!" Celestia grunted, the wagon creaking behind them as they made their way up a small hill. "Sheriff Silver Star took out insurance on the stupid town and if it is destroyed I have to pay up. It's my own fault, really, for declaring that I would run that insurance firm and then banishing all other firms from the country."
"And we also don't want to townfolks hurt, right?" Shining said.
"Screw them!" Luna exclaimed (Cadence flashed a huge grin, only for Shining to touch her shoulder and shake his head no). "They are all inbred morons! If I could find a pot big enough to shove them all in I would!" She turned to Braeburn. "Some offense."
"Don't you mean no offense?"
Luna shrugged.
"Could we kindly move faster?" Tydal groused. "I would like to not die if that is possible!"
"Aw, does the sea god hate the sand?" Shining teased.
"When we get to the Mareatine I am going to hold you under until the bubbles stop!" Tydal roared, before curling up tighter and pulling the blanket over more of his crispy body.
"Big sister... how do you hope to win this bet? We are obviously fast enough to pull the cart but we are princesses so we won't do it."
Celestia smiled at Luna, patting her on the head. "Don't worry, little sister... we are going to get a friend to help."
"And who is that?" Luna said, worry coloring her words (Celestia tended to have weird friends... like dragons or monsters or Twilight Sparkle).
"Hey there baby," a stallion said, emerging from a trap door in the desert (which was more expensive to install than one would think). "Did someone mention sex on legs?"
"No, no one said my name," Cadence said innocently.
Celestia undid the hitch and walked over to the stallion He was a dark blue and had a big, dark mustache that covered most of his face below his nose; he wore a big brown cowboy hat and a red jacket over his frame. There was a cocky air about him and it seemed that every step he took was full of swagger. The only thing marring the image were the stuffed frog and snowman that sat on his back.
"It is good to see you, Bandit," Celestia said happily, giving him a hug.
"Good ta see ya too, Celli baby," The Bandit gave Luna a long leer, prancing over to her. "Well, hello." Luna's horn flared and she blasted him with a Pepper Spray Spell. The bandit merely laughed and wiped his eyes. "You get sprayed as much as I do and it no longer hurts ya. I'm actually starting to enjoy it." The Bandit looked over the group, eyebrow raised. "Now then, Celli... what is it you want from me? Can't imagine you are here for a friendly chat or a booty call."
"No and maybe later," Celestia said. "I've got myself in a bit of a jam. I've made a bet with a local gangster, Thunder Thighs, that my family and I could get this cart to Manehattan. We need the best driver we can get leading the way."
"And baby, you came to the right place. I assume you will pay me."
"You assume wrong," Tydal grumbled from under the blanket.
"Your quilt has an attitude problem."
Shining shook his head. "You have no idea."
"Come on now... you know the deal... you want The Bandit to help you, ya got to pay him his fair share."
"We'll give you Braeburn," Luna said casually.
"We will?" Cadence said in surprise.
"Not like any of us want him."
Shining nodded. "That's true."
"Yup," Celestia said.
"Who are you calling a quilt?" Tydal snapped.
The Bandit slowly walked around the confused Braeburn, opening his mouth to check him for disease and inspecting is flank. "Well... she is a masculine filly but I'll take her."
"I'm not a-" Braeburn never got to finish, as Luna used her magic to seal his mouth shut.
"Now then, let's get the heck to Manehattan!"
~A Day Later...~
"And I rode on a wagon with a horse with no name, I sure do wish it would rain!" Cadence sang.
"Please... make her stop," Luna whimpered (it was well known that the moon goddess preferred smooth jazz).
"In the desert... I can't remember the horse's name... so I call him Wiggles so he won't complain...."
The captain of the guard stared at his wife. "Cadence, sweetie... my name is Shining Armor, not Wiggles."
"Lalala! La! Lalalala!" Cadence belted out, a mute Braeburn (Luna still had sealed his mouth shut and only let him eat when the Bandit wasn't around) humming along happily.
"Well, it's official, she's suffering from heat stroke," Luna complained.
"Tydal isn't faring any better," Celestia said.
"How can you tell?" Shining asked.
"YOUR MOTHER POLISHES HORNS IN TARTARUS!" Tydal screamed, his dark eyes flashing with rage before he fell back down, stroking the wagon and murmuring about water, his scaled tail flopping against the wood panels.
"Just a feeling," Celestia said dryly. "We need to get to Manehattan now before Cadence goes nuts and Tydal-"
"-goes more nuts?" Shining offered.
"Pretty much. It will take more than this too kill him but it is still cruel to leave him out in the sun like this."
"Maybe you should stop shining the sun so brilliantly then," Luna said in a huff.
"Daisy... Daisy... give me your answer true!" Cadence sang happily.
"My sun provides life!"
"Tell that to our brother!"
"Better than your moon... at least I don't inspire lame werewolves and emo vampires!"
"No, you just make them sparkle!"
Tydal began to squirm. "I will never let a clam marry my daughter!" Celestia and Luna held him down, waiting for the fit to pass. "Water... please give me water... Shining, I'll do anything for water... I'll suck your-"
"Bandit!" Shining Armor called out in a panic. "We need to go faster, now!"
"Going as fast as I can!" the rogue stallion called out. "Taking some shortcuts too. We should be out of the desert a hour."
Shining nodded, turning back to his wife who was staring at her hoofs and giggling. "Cadence... sweetie... hold on, ok?"
"Shiny..." Cadence said sweetly. "I will suck your-"
"You stay away from my gerbil, you harlot!" Tydal screamed, trying to attack Cadence by headbutting her hooves. Braeburn watched the entire thing while humming the theme to SHAFT (can you dig it?).
"Can this trip get any worse?" Luna said. Her eyes widened the moment she said the words, realizing she had just brought upon the dreaded and cliched 'Can this get any worse' curse upon them.
They didn't have to wait long. A bolt of magical energy ripped through the air, nearly striking Celestia and leaving a crater in the desert floor. Luna, Celestia, Shining and Braeburn turned to see a golden stallion in a brown sherrif's uniform chasing after them at full gallop, his horn blazing with fire.
"Who the hay is that?" Shining called out over the wind that whipped about them.
"Just an old friend!" Bandit called out. "I bet Thunder Thighs sent him after us. Name is Butane T. Justice... he loves nothing more than catching criminals and burning them alive."
"Why is he chasing us?" Shining asked. "None of us-oh by the Creator you're a criminal, aren't you?"
"My name is The Bandit... of course I am a criminal!"
"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when the come for you?" Cadence sang.
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For those that are wondering, The God Squad takes place between the events of Season 2 and 3. Thus, why Sombra (I just can't take him seriously, I'm sorry) can appear. I do plan after the end of Season 1 of The God Squad to do a few chapters that bridge the events of this story with Season 3 and then bridge out to Season 2 of TGS. I already have the first story planned, where it is revealed Luna was grumpy in the Crystal Empire story because she is busy trying to keep Tydal (a rage filled creature that should never be let anywhere near the Crystal Heart) away, as he wants to go visit Shining Armor and Cadence.
1597700
Don't worry, nobody else can take Sombra seriously either.
The only thing Sombra has going for him is an awesome home security system.
Poor anime-like Sombra
1597700 I don't think anyone can take Sombra seriously. The fandom took gak more seriously than Sombra.
1597784
Maybe once he gets over the bad case of 'being shattered and turned to crystal' he can start a home security firm.
"Hi, I'm King Sombra! Are you tired of burglars coming in and stealing your crystal hearts? Well, with the Sombra Home Defense system, those fears will be a thing of the past!"
damnit, now i gotta go rewatch smokey and the bandit again .. for the bazillionth time .. good show ..
1597800
Indeed. Whats fascinating is that within the first 24 hours, there was already an entire Drawfriend comprised solely of Chrysalis. Sombra, who we KNEW what he looked like before hand, has zip. He's kinda lame, in all honesty.
1597814
"Tired of those hero types trying to steal your artifacts that you keep hidden in your fortress of evil? I recommend stairs. Lots and lots of stairs. And if stairs aren't your thing, try this door! And not just any door, but a door to your worst nightmares! How much am I charging for this door you may ask? 200 bits? 300 bits? Well, I'm practically giving it away for just twelve easy payments of 100 bits plus shipping and handling!!!!! (and your undying slavery)."
A stuffed frog and snowman?
I see what you did there.
I'm waiting for the day where a character in any sort of media says, after tons of bad luck, "This day won't get any better..." and then it does.
I'll wait for Smokey and the Luna 3: Smokey is the Luna.
1597724 I didn't understand why they couldn't just use a giant vaccuum cleaner to suck him up. Or why Celestia didn't just smite him with holy magic. Ah well, at least we know dark magic exists in Equestria now.
1598068
Because! Er...
He's a villain that Twilight can reasonably beat without the Elements of Harmony! Gotta give her some kind of assignment.
(Seriously, did Celestia and Luna even have to try to beat Sombra when they "fought" him? It seemed liked defeating him was an hours work. 59 minutes and 55 seconds to reach him, 5 seconds to blast him with one spell and you're done.)
I would not be surprised if Diamond Dogs could beat Sombra.
1598092
Thus why there will be Cyrstal Empire Part 3: Electric Boogaloo where it is revealed Celestia and Luna were busy distracting Tydal, as they knew putting a capricorn anywhere near the Crystal Heart would... well, it would be very bad.
...Y'know, for somewhere that's supposedly an idyllic paradise, Equestria certainly has a rather high instance of world-threatening villains.
HEY hey hey... Luna loves metal
Whoever thinks that any random pony would make a better villain than Sombra say "Aye".
My vote? Aye!
Whoever thinks that Sombra is the best villain ever needs to get out more.
1597800 what the hay is gak anyway?
No worries, mate. Sombra is the most lacking villain ever which is a real shame as that's one of the things I've really liked about the show so far, was that it had some pretty nasty and threatening villains. King Smog, Lord of Smoke Generators, was the wimpiest so far. That stupid hissing voice didn't help either. Also it's a shame he stayed in that retarded smoke form so much, his body design was actually pretty neat.
1598224 I think Sombra doesn't get enough respect, he was a mixture of all 3 previous villians combining their strengths, he didn't even have to get involved and he came perhaps the closest to actually succeding, if Twilight didn't have Spike to help her she would have still thought Celestia was going to make her leave Equestria.
Poor Sombra, good design, creepy atmoshphere, and one hell of a home security system. And in the end, he gets taken down by a baby dragon and a semi-conscience Cadance. My theory is this, he wasn't his natural self, so he wasn't at 100% of his full power, so what we saw was just about 10 - 20% of what he can actually do. Or, I'm at least looking on the bright side.
1598587
My theory is that due to his speech impediment he wasn't able to explain that he was coming to the Empire in order to deactivate the security system and give Twilight the Crystal Heart.
Poor Mush Mouth Sombra.
1598605
Or that. 
King Sombra WOULD have been a boss villain... The episode was too focused on Twilight's test rather than his evil plot. Coolest-looking bad guy=Least amount of screen time.
Anyway, great chapter! No mistakes that I saw.
In all seriousness, I genuinely thought that Sombra had a great design, but not enough light was shed on him. Coupled with the fact that he speaks in a zombie-like manner kinda makes him too shallow to become a great interest. The traps and the memory blocking were the only things I thought that he really had going for him. Thinking back on it, if he managed to destroy the book with the history, then he would have actually won.
I thought that somepony OTHER than the mane six (Cadence and
) saving the day was a great twist.
Does anyone know Sombra's number? I wanna get a security system from him
1598092 Their tactic would probably consist if beating to death with his own crystals. And then stealing them.
7 sentences. I made it seven whole sentences into the intro before losing it completely. That's gotta be some kind of record...
And on a note unrelated to the story: I find myself wondering if Sombra will turn out to be a recurring thing this season: He's back after 1,000 years, and now his dark influence effects stuff, yadda yadda yadda, until the point when we get Villain Showdown 2: The Rematch at the end of the season. Even the most nameless antagonists of the past two seasons got more story and screentime then Sombra; I find it hard to believe he's that much of a throw-away villain.
You forgot to mention Kamen Rider for villains that King Sombra looked like he could fit in with. Heck, I think he would fit in as a unicorn phantom in KR Wizard. He does have that whole despair thing going too, so that helps.
Here's a (silly) theory on why he didn't get more screen time and other good stuff: he was given a budget for acting in the show. He spent most of it on special effects and security in the castle, along with bribing the director so that he would be guaranteed to be in reach of his goal. He didn't hire any script writers or voice tutors, and had to come up with his lines and voice on his own.
Strangely, though it made him less engaging, I am of the opinion that Sombra's ambiguous nature and limited back story may have been intentional on the part of the writers. They can only get away with so much spookyness on a kids show after all but they want to appeal to the wider fandom so why not adopt the "less is more approach"? It has been used in several horror movies (such as the first Alien movie) to great effect.
What is more, this makes him prime fanfic character material. Here is a (unicorn socerer/demon/monster?) with a mastery of (dark magics/evil crystal spells/transmogrification?) who conquered a psychoemotively magical empire and enslaved its sparkly ponies in order to (gain control of the rest of Equestria/cast an epic dark spell/corrupt the crystal heart/steal the crystal ponies souls/make a new Twilight movie) but was defeated by the princesses. Upon (banishment/imprisonment/forced dormancy?) he cast an evil spell that caused the empire to vanish (how?) but later returned (why?) around the same time a new alicorn who seems to have been made from the job comes on the scene. He also comes back but is defeated by the good vibes (why?) and is now (dead/weak but alive/undead/rocking out?) and intent on (making amends/using dark crystals to control the hearts of pony kind/raising an army of Deathless Shadow Fiends/stopping the pidgeon).
Point is you can write almost anything you like about the guy and you don't even have to go against established cannon (as there is so little of it).
Also I fear that Shining Armour is being consigned to the position of Two Dimensional Straight Stallion.
I was kind'a more hoping that one of the squad would start showing Burt Reynolds tendencies, myself, but oh well. At least I called what this chapter would be going to.
And come on, tell me you can't imagine Shining Armour in that moustache.
Enjoyed the opening but the rest of the chapter was good as well.
1598911
Agreed. Celestia and Luna were also talking about Twilight being ready for her destiny or somesuch, so it sounds like this season may have an actual story arc.
Sombra should've made this as an entrance
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc1utx5CET1rcj3xeo1_1280.png
While saying "no one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!"
poor sombra; for some reason he reminds me of rodney dangerfield
he gets no respect
The PERFECT reaction to good ol' Somby! Poor guy barely got ANY lines, has the cheesiest design yet, and then gets all asploded.
1597700 Yeah, he was the first officially mentally-retarded villain. I mean, come on, he could barely grunt out, "GRRAAUUUGH... CRRRRYSTALLLLL!!" every now and then.
*Note: Dark Powers make you retarded. And I mean REALLY retarded. Not merely Forrest Gump-level, but all the way to Teletubbies-are-too-complicated-for-yer-brain-level! IT IS CANON NOW!!
Have I ever mentioned how glorious your madness is?
I think you might run rings around even Discord.
1599078 Despondent at his loss to the usually useless comic relief character, Spike (He got beaten by Spike. Ultimate humiliation.) King Sombra quit the evil villain gig and got a job and White Castle, where he found the love of his life, a 300-lb 45-year old West Virginian chain smokin', whiskey-swillin' woman named Dora Lee Jean McHiggensworth who opens bottles with her single upper bicuspid, nicknamed Chopper.
Turns out, she too hated the goodie-goodie ponies. It was a match made on Jerry Springer.
1598587 Only 10-20% of his maximum power, eh?
Well then, this must be him at 100%! Or is it more like 85?
images.wikia.com/yuyuhakusho/images/4/47/Toguro_120.JPG
1601968 I'm not talking about apperance, but more so the effect of his power. If he were at 100%, then Cadence's magic wouldn't have stood a chance. That, and it didn't help that he was technically previously weakened by being turned into shadow. Or at least that's my theory.
1602053 I know that! I'm being silly dammit! *smacks your with a banana creme pie!*
1602053
Or Sombra and the Crystal ponies just plain are cream puffs. They are... the canadians of Equestria.
"Oh, I was aboot to take over your land, eh, and I was wondering if that would be ok."
1602191 *licks face* Mmmm, tasty. XD That, or Sombra is like that, but then he'd take almost three seasons just to charge up, and he'd be screaming even more than what he already was!
1602365
The...the Canadians of...okay, that is my head cannon now.
Speaking of which, is season 3 on youtube yet?
Anyway, this chapter seemed unusually short. It was fun though. I'd ask what Cadence was going to suck Shinning's (unmentioned) for, but I think that question is it's own answer.
Oh, and I loved Celestia's casual, "Maybe later" to the offer of a booty call.
Also, I reallly want to read a Twilight/Braeburn fic. I read something in some fic where Twilights reaction to him was, "yowaza" and I immedietly loved the idea of them together.
you missed a letter!
This episode's quotes that broke my ribs and mind are:
"Then there was eternal twilight but that just led to sparkly vampires." <---Seriously guise? Still a good one though
"Better than your moon... at least I don't inspire lame werewolves and emo vampires!"
"No, you just make them sparkle!" <--- *SLAP* ENOUGH! Still broke my ribs...
"You see I've been through the dessert with a horse with no name..." <--- My favourite K-DST song. If you dig what I mean.
Lala-la-lalala, lala-la, la-la!
After 3 days,
In the dessert sun,
My skin began to turn red,
DAMMIT! Now I can't get this song outta my head!!! DAMN YOU! But I love the story and all the refferences.
I lost it when I read this "My name is Rim Job."
And very nice Cop ending, also......can a God even die? Hmmm......NEXT!!!!!!!!
1597956 I call the door that leads to your worst fear the Nightmare Realm, cool huh?
1598128 Very good point, three Gods, an evil king unicorn and a bunch of some what evil animals, pretty dark if you ask me